Thai Boyfriends

[smilia]

HI I have been reading the forum for a long time now and really enjoy it, a nice place for expat women in Thailand to come together............ as I think are experience here is much different then the men's as well as our challenges.

I have a question for the Farang women with Thai partners.

I have been in a relationship for almost a year now with a wonderful Thai man. He is kind and honest and responsible.etc...

However he is so quiet, especially when we eat. His English is good and he has many many farang friends who he has conversations with but with me the interatcion seems so limited.

I am get uipset because he will not even ask how my day was or what did I do, or what did I think of something. We are living together alraedy and he seems to think that is enough, like we live together and that means we have a strong relationship.

It seems like converstaion and banter for the sake of provocative thinking and converstaion is a foreign concept to him. I have no problems with my Thai female friends talking a meal away and discussing stuff for the sake of discussion, opinions, and Ideas.

Sometimes I just want aknowledgement that he heard me.

For me conversation is a way to get to know each other better. What I think, what he thinks/feels about something.

Any feedback or enlightenment would be appreciated.

[Ave]

Same same here dear Smilia. I'm not sure this is a Thai thing or else because I had the same experience with an English boyfriend.

Also, mealtime is not for making much conversation according to some Thais. Unless they are dining at a party or are very westernised, talking is not considered very polite. But I'm not 100% sure of this.

I was with this guy for nearly two and a half years and ended up talking to everybody else except him and that bothered him a big deal. I tend to be quiet in a relationship but I need to have a minimum of conversation, just like you. I told him that and he said that we were different because of our cultures. I don't think it was just it. I think it's also a matter of personality and compatibility.

Perhaps you could ask him the questions you would like him to ask you every day and hope that he does the same with you. Also, have you tried to explain to him that it would make you very happy if he paid a little more attention to this communicate verbally more than him.

Hoever, I wouldn't want somebody to change into something they are not just to make me happy, that woudl be fake.

There is also another factor that plays a big role in relationship with a Thai: intimacy. It might mean going off thread, it actually might not..I'll leave that to more articulate and experienced female members..

[Solosiam]

I think it's just some men in general, I can't think of anything worse after a long days working hard and then having to hear about the wifes day TBH.

Have you tried engaging him in (and actually being interested in) something close to his heart, a hobby etc...

What language are you talking in, and what are the respective fluency levels?

[smilia]

I dont mean my day like a long drawn out detailed explanation but just a few highlights. I have tried engaging him.. how was work, how is this, what do you think of that? Etc.

We are speaking English. Me fluent and him, very good in English.

I think it is a cultural thing about it being rudeto talk during a meal which is strange for Europeans as we have a meal with others FOR conversation.

I just dont understand how feels satisified with the relationship without talking. If he has a problem he will not talk about it therefor does not understand me talking about something that is not HAPPY! I tired to 'xplian that if he has a problem then I can help him see it differently, or just bring him up or whatever. The benefits of talking about it.

If i have a problem , with a collegue or friend then he has no feedback, interaction, .....nothing.

It is strange. I feel like we are more like roomates with benefits. He seems to think everything is fine.

[Solosiam]

Still don't think it's cultural, men prefer to think through things on their own, and work out solutions - whilst women like to talk them over. Men look for a solution and ladies look for analysis and discussion of the problem, without a view to necessarily 'solving it'.

There are no 'benefits' in talking about it, unless it leads to a direct solution in a mans mind.

If you have a problem with a colleague or friend, then its a problem to solve. talking about it to him isn't going to make your relationship with the other person better.

I often get this with my wife, who is Thai. We can spend the whole day discussing things, and at the end of the day she can still sometimes say to me "we never seem to talk anymore" even after 3-4 hours of straight discussion.

Simply put, mens talking is different to womens talking, thats what your girlfriends are for - and why there are such words as 'gossip' and 'natter'

[sbk]

Actually, my husband has said the same thing as Ave. Perhaps it is in more rural families, but meal times that are not social events are pretty quiet. I remember when I first got married, eating with his parents, everyone was dead silent. My husband is now used to me chattering away during our meals but doesn't add much. He prefers to finish his meal and then talk. So, it works out ok.

He did point out that Thai food is often so spicy that if you slowed down to talk you might not be able to finish as the spiciness catches up to you pretty quick.

[seville]

I think most men don't talk as much as women in general and as for Thai men that might be taken up a notch. My boyfriend is very quiet and is even quiet amongst his peers, so take that into account. If he is the guy that is hanging with his friends and not really adding to the chatter then he is just quiet. Some people only talk when they have something important to say, they aren't into idle chit chat.

"It seems like converstaion and banter for the sake of provocative thinking and converstaion is a foreign concept to him."

It is a foreign concept to him and you are never going to get him to change on this one. He was raised to value stillness and keeping his mind empty. If he feels love in his heart for you and wants to be with you he just accepts it.

There is no great need to dig deep into every little thing that is in your head or a desire to question why it's you he wants to be with.

I know it's frustrating, but you have to let it go. Chances are he is just a simple man.

If your idea of a solid relationship is having long conversations of why you are together and diving into the depths of your souls, forget it.

Accept the smile when you walk in the door and a warm touch.

[smilia]

He was raised to value stillness and keeping his mind empty. If he feels love in his heart for you and wants to be with you he just accepts it.

There is no great need to dig deep into every little thing that is in your head or a desire to question why it's you he wants to be with.

I know it's frustrating, but you have to let it go. Chances are he is just a simple man.

If your idea of a solid relationship is having long conversations of why you are together and diving into the depths of your souls, forget it.

Accept the smile when you walk in the door and a warm touch.

Seville,

Thank you so much. This alone helps me understand him much better instead of putting my western ideals on him, especially the part about valuing stillness. Now that is a super foreign concept to me. And yes for all the times i have asked him why he wants to be with me, I have never gotten an answer. I guess I want confirmation that it is me and not just the idea of a girlfriend, or a farang girlfriend. And sinceI dont get an answer I worry about this..

I know it is going to take a lot of understanding on both our parts to make it work and so far it is hitting a lot of challenges and not going so well, not because of a lack of feelings but I think a difference of ideas. He seems to think it should jus work and be effortless.

Thank you again for the insight and understanding, sounds like you completely understand the differences......and how to make it work.

Also thank you SBK and Solosiam!! Much appreciated, I need to here it from other people to understand!!!

Edited August 27, 2007 by smilia

[Solosiam]

Actually, my husband has said the same thing as Ave. Perhaps it is in more rural families, but meal times that are not social events are pretty quiet. I remember when I first got married, eating with his parents, everyone was dead silent. My husband is now used to me chattering away during our meals but doesn't add much. He prefers to finish his meal and then talk. So, it works out ok.

He did point out that Thai food is often so spicy that if you slowed down to talk you might not be able to finish as the spiciness catches up to you pretty quick.

Most guys don't speak when they are eating, unless its a specific social gathering. Eating solves a problem, being hungry, so its solved as simply and quickly as possible. Go to any fast food place and observe guys eating with other guys, its straight down to business.

[BambinA]

if u mean your TH-BF does not talk much while you guys are eating.

That's common ... According to THai's manner,we had better not talk while eating with mouthful.

[ratchabuild]

if u mean your TH-BF does not talk much while you guys are eating.

That's common ... According to THai's manner,we had better not talk while eating with mouthful.

A rule that applies in other circumstances too

[BambinA]

I have no problems with my Thai female friends talking a meal away and discussing stuff for the sake of discussion, opinions, and Ideas.

females are females, we love talking. Talkative ,gossip and discussing while eating is common .We gals love chatting in any places or any circumstance..

But not for a guy.

Guys want to talk to you when

1) you know about sports

2) you hate shopping

3) You never blame and complain

4) you give him a can of beer or 2

5) you do great in bed

[Jimjim]

I'll talk to you about anything, Bambina.

[PeaceBlondie]

Some cultures have different role-gender expectations, such as females talking more. But I know straight men and straight women who never stop talking! I'm a talker and so was my wife, but my Thai boyfriends (and Vietnamese boyfriends) never talked much. Partly due to language barriers. As for meals, I never find silent Thai females at meals! My boyfriend's sisters jabber like monkeys when they share a meal.

I like the idea of observing Thai guys when they're not with women or their farang lover. My first Thai b/f never talked much with me, but get him with his peers, and he was a regular talker. I've been with this Thai b/f four years now, and learned that long periods of non-speaking are the norm.

I think Thais talk about different subjects more, like "Oh this food is delicious, and so spicy!" rather than discussing politics.

[cmsally]

My husband rarely shuts up! But he never talks when he is eating, unless it is a social dinner and then he tends not to eat anyway (he'd rather talk!)

[meme]

He did point out that Thai food is often so spicy that if you slowed down to talk you might not be able to finish as the spiciness catches up to you pretty quick.

My husband is also very quiet during meals. He said the same thing about the spice and also said that it is rude to not eat quickly or talk as that means you do not find the food delicious, so it just has become a habit with him.

I also find that he has become so used to me asking questions about his day, that he now is also in the habit of asking me how my day was etc.

[smilia]

I have no problems with my Thai female friends talking a meal away and discussing stuff for the sake of discussion, opinions, and Ideas.

But not for a guy.

Guys want to talk to you when

1) you know about sports

2) you hate shopping

3) You never blame and complain

4) you give him a can of beer or 2

5) you do great in bed

I have only 2 out of 5!!!!!!!!

Now I know the problem .hhahahaha

Yes all these post have been so helpful and insightful.

Tonight at dinner I felt more at ease and was much more accepting that this is the norm instead of wondering why he isnt talking, and if he was mad. Althoug I did a bit of talking but tried to space it out before the meal and after.

He seemed quite relaxed and happy tonight also... probably an indirect result of my change of perception.

THanks so much for all the great post and insight.

[Cobalt60]

I read somewhere recently on this subject that it is as much about our lack of ability to multi task and the switch from work brain pattern to home.

I am the same, dont want to talk about work straight away, dont want to hear about her day straight away either.

When i do try to talk in depth I get told.... " you think too much".

[raindrops]

I guess it differs from family to family. Meal time with my family has always been fun. It's the time we discuss everything, politic, art, culture, current affairs....or simply how was everyone's day in general. When we were younger, my parents often have guests coming over for dinner, sometimes unexpectedly but everyone was always welcome and of course, everyone seemed to talk....but of course, not with our mouthful.

[Choctaw]

Hello. I didnt read exactly everything of what everyone wrote in this topic, and I guess I am going to add something halfway already mentioned here, but I do anyway just to say what I think.

I have a Thai girlfriend, and I myself is from europe. What I notice is that she speaks of Thai men being alot different then european men. I dont think thats a big surprise, but I have noticed what she have told me and I think it would be interesting to mention. She says Thai men very often are quiet around theyr partner, and act different around theyr friends. She could not explain why, maybe the other replies here can. She further tells me that her experience of the Thai male is that he generally has a priority of socializing around his male friends, but in a different way around his partner. She says she can see this everywhere, among her friends and in her family, but she cant explain why.

So thats all I can tell you. I guess it is culture, male\female role-models learned throught traditions and culture, and maybe somthing to do with religion as well. But then I am guessing, not knowing.

As a comparison I can add that my Thai girlfriend can be somewhat of what you descibe of your Thai boyfriend, but still not all that much. I could say that she is maybe in the same street, but not at the same house, if you understand me. Something about being Thai I guess. Many things have been different for me as well compared to my previous european girlfriends and the culture I am used to around relationships there, but I think it is only a question of adapting, learning and getting used to.

[bina]

t is a foreign concept to him and you are never going to get him to change on this one. He was raised to value stillness and keeping his mind empty. If he feels love in his heart for you and wants to be with you he just accepts it.

There is no great need to dig deep into every little thing that is in your head or a desire to question why it's you he wants to be with.

I know it's frustrating, but you have to let it go. Chances are he is just a simple man.

If your idea of a solid relationship is having long conversations of why you are together and diving into the depths of your souls, forget it.

Accept the smile when you walk in the door and a warm touch.

very true.

thai husband says: eat now, talk later

we dont discuss much when together with the kids around; intimate discussion is for when in bed before going to sleep: any problems or situations are discussed then... he says this comes from lots of family living in small space so privacy is kept this way

he doesnt like regular chitchat; when he calls male friends (thai friends here are distant from one an other and no one travels) they always start the conversation with : what are u cooking? work? and then the call is finished and thats it

we dont analyze too much about ourselves: he always asks me if i slept well, was work difficult, am i tired out, and thats the length of it... i ask him, he tells me, and thats that.

i am super verbal but keep that to my women friends; we enjoy our quietness together, its still intimate, even if curled up on the sofa watching a movie or listening to music...

its definitely a change from listen to israelis super verbalize all day long )

this lack of verbalizing important things (feelings/emotions) drives my husband's boss nuts: there is a language barrier, but being a warm morrocan israeli, the boss gets worried if anon answers in monotones, or seems annoyed by something at work and wont discuss or say what it is... he has even called me to find out if there is a problem. i've told him that basically , thai dont like to spill everything out, they dont analyze and verbalize about their feelings, etc... the reverse of us; best just to let anon stay quiet and the 'bad mood' goes. if i question anon, he doesn even know how to verbalize what he is feeling (probably culture shock, annoyance at the israeli way of doing things, etc etc) and prefers to DO something like eat his dinner, drink a beer, and 'hang out' with me quietly. he cant understand the need to blbblbablba as he puts it.!!

the opposite of the woody allen new york verbal types that some of us are used too...

bina

israel

[rockchick114]

Why would you want to be together with someone who doesnt speak to you or is interested in what you have to say? I know I would be bored to death with such a person. My mind and soul would be dried out like a raisin.

[toptuan]

Sociologists* studying Thai culture tell us that Thai men bond emotionally better to other Thai men than with the opposite sex, particularly in conversation and revealing inner emotions/thoughts. They will linger for hours over a beer or two with other guys, engaged in long, deep conversations. These same men will speak barely more than a few minutes each day with their own wives about personal matters. It's part of the cultural scene. Sorry, someone should have told you.

If you want to really know what he's thinking, ask his friends.

*One source, for example: Pamila DeGrossa, Ph.D., University of Hawaii, did an in-depth study regarding Thai sexual attitudes about 10 years ago for her dissertation, and this particular observation was part of her findings. She cites a number of other scholars on this point.

[November Rain]

My BF and I sometimes talked & sometimes didn't. We very rarely discussed anything deep or meaningful & if we did, it was at my instigation. Luckily, I like being alone or just thinking, so it didn't bother me. I love comfortable silences & hate small talk for the sake of it, so we fit together well. From my experience though, I'd say if you want a great chat, phone a girlfriend. Appreciate your man for loving you his way.

[bina]

rockchick,

to answer, first i think its a matter of age. as i get older, i find i dont need to discuss too many things with someone else... second, i work all day with people and enjoy and prefer the quietness i have with my husband; its enough that he walk over and give me some mango and salt (at this very moment) to eat, thats his way of saying that he notices me and cares for me... its a bit like a pot and a cover: we fit each other and give each other physical and mental strength without having to converse about it...

if i want to discuss the latest politics, or argue about something, i'll call a girlfriend or go sit with a cup of coffee with them.

[sbk]

Sociologists* studying Thai culture tell us that Thai men bond emotionally better to other Thai men than with the opposite sex, particularly in conversation and revealing inner emotions/thoughts. They will linger for hours over a beer or two with other guys, engaged in long, deep conversations. These same men will speak barely more than a few minutes each day with their own wives about personal matters. It's part of the cultural scene. Sorry, someone should have told you.

If you want to really know what he's thinking, ask his friends.

*One source, for example: Pamila DeGrossa, Ph.D., University of Hawaii, did an in-depth study regarding Thai sexual attitudes about 10 years ago for her dissertation, and this particular observation was part of her findings. She cites a number of other scholars on this point.

I suspect there have been some changes in male behavior among the younger generation since this study was conducted.

[Khnom]

Growing up in my family, the dinner conversations were usually pretty light. We talked about food (surprised?), people, humor du jour, etc. My dad usually stayed quiet. He worked very hard, and you could tell he got work bouncing around in his mind most of the time. I had seen friends' dads very engaged and entertaining. So it all varies.

My wife said I "yak" too much. The girlfriend before her said I was uncommunicative. It all depends.

If he's unwilling to chat from time to time for whatever reasons, I guess it's fine. You can keep the dinner conversations light and entertaining, and do the real talk later. I wouldn't worry about it.

It's another story if he's unable or unwilling to communicate or express himself. Only time will tell I guess.

[majenta]

my husband is Thai, but he is raised in the west, so he is not really Thai. But we hardly talk during meal time though, mainly because I was busy watching TV .. :-)

[girlx]

not a "thai" thing although it might have some cultural influence. my thai (on again off again) boyfriend has no problem talking to me about anything in depth. he is just as analytical as i am. he does get annoyed if i want to chat while he's tired or in a bad mood to begin with, but overall there is no problem with discussing anything. my thai boyfriend before him was the same as the OPs- no interest in talking about anything of any depth whatsoever. man, was he boring!

[toptuan]

Sociologists* studying Thai culture tell us that Thai men bond emotionally better to other Thai men than with the opposite sex, particularly in conversation and revealing inner emotions/thoughts. They will linger for hours over a beer or two with other guys, engaged in long, deep conversations. These same men will speak barely more than a few minutes each day with their own wives about personal matters. It's part of the cultural scene. Sorry, someone should have told you.

If you want to really know what he's thinking, ask his friends.

*One source, for example: Pamila DeGrossa, Ph.D., University of Hawaii, did an in-depth study regarding Thai sexual attitudes about 10 years ago for her dissertation, and this particular observation was part of her findings. She cites a number of other scholars on this point.

I suspect there have been some changes in male behavior among the younger generation since this study was conducted.

Thailand is changing, but these attitudes change much more slowly than in the West. Particularly outside "the other Thailand" Bangkok. One of the first things that struck me when I arrived in Thailand was the "male bonding" (and I'm not talking gays) that seemed much stronger than in western cultures. Yep, the study was 10 years ago, but little has changed in this area of Thai social interaction.