Why Won't The Wife Organise Dinner?

[soundman]

I wake up in the morning, get the kids up, clean them, change the rubbish bins, pack the car send the kids of to their appropriate destinations (school etc.), work all day, pick the kids up, deliver them elsewhere, back to work, finish for the day, head home, usually only having eaten nibbles & maybe a little noodle dish.

Hungry as anything, I approach the house, settle down for a few moments of rest, & then inquire with the wife as to what we may be eating for dinner. Kids are hovering in the background, obviously hungry.

Sorry, she replies (on a daily basis). "I have allready eaten. You will have to organise some food for yourself."

What about the kids I ask?

"Oh, they can have some chips and coke or milk."

That is not a nutricious meal, how about you buying some food or cooking something & if you have allready eaten why didn't you buy something for the rest of us?

Storm clouds gathering, batten down the hatches - the full fury of the hurricane is unleashed! No Thai's (male or female) like to have their perfectly prepared answers challeged.....

Now my question is this: From a Thai families point of view is there any onus on a particular individual (read wife in my case) in the family unit to be the one who provides the food? Or is it every person for themselves whenever they feel hungry & once their bellies are full who cares about anyone else?

Frustrated & hungry,

Soundman.

[TheWalkingMan]

Maybe she wants you to hire a chef?

TheWalkingMan

[Acquiesce]

Does she work for a living?

[lannarebirth]

I seem to recall that your wife runs a construction company and maybe some other family interests. Also that you have a few house staff. Maybe it's time to interview some staff with cooking skills. It is a little worriesome that she doesn't seem to care that no one else has eaten though. Time to give the job to someone else.

[RueFang]

Wow, that's pretty selfish! In our house we always eat together at dinner time. I (being the only female in the house apart from my motherinlaw) am the one to set out dinner 90% of the time. I don't cook curries but will buy it if the MIL hasnt cooked one and I'll cook up a stir fry and prepare the fresh veg (cucumber etc) and set it all out in bowls on a tray. If I'm too busy it will usually get to about 7.30pm before MIL starts to even think about dinner! It's also my 'job' to dish out the rice for everyone.

At lunch time we usually eat together but that is more of a fend for yourself meal if everyone's busy. I'm quite surprised to hear your wife letting her kids go hungry! I think a good talk is long overdue..perhaps she's been doing it for so long now she would resent it if you want to go and change the rules on her now and make her work! As far as I have seen the Thai women in the house are responsible for getting meals together (although my husband likes to cook sometimes too) but predominantly men don't cook or clean if there's a woman in the house!

[soundman]

Does she work for a living?

Everybody in the greater family works for a living. However, it is always accepted that part of the work day for the women is taking care of the household duties.

From my point of view, I think that one person looking after all the household duties is un-fair, so I do my bit. Sweeping, cut grass, clean windows, rubbish, look after kids needs etc.

Is it too much to ask that a meal is ready sometime in the evening when I return from work without Dante's inferno errupting?

Soundman.

[soundman]

I seem to recall that your wife runs a construction company and maybe some other family interests. Also that you have a few house staff. Maybe it's time to interview some staff with cooking skills. It is a little worriesome that she doesn't seem to care that no one else has eaten though. Time to give the job to someone else.

Thanks lannare for putting a smile back on my face!

You recall correctly - however, giving the job of being my wife to another person is bound to create untold heartache!

LYW!

[thaigerd]

I am cooking all foods at home,Thai and farang food.

My wife is washing the car and takes care for our dogs and house.

Gerd

[KhaoNiaw]

As far as I have seen the Thai women in the house are responsible for getting meals together (although my husband likes to cook sometimes too) but predominantly men don't cook or clean if there's a woman in the house!

That's true. My wife worries about getting stick, not from me, but from other members of her family if they happen to turn up and I'm getting dinner for myself or our daughter. When mother visits, she really will get on to my wife if she feels she is neglecting her son-in-law or granddaughter, especially in the food department. Even when we really don't want to eat anything too!

[tingtong]

well, if you are the particular one who provide the money, i think she should be the least provide the food. it works for us that way, which is fine for me.

[lannarebirth]

I seem to recall that your wife runs a construction company and maybe some other family interests. Also that you have a few house staff. Maybe it's time to interview some staff with cooking skills. It is a little worriesome that she doesn't seem to care that no one else has eaten though. Time to give the job to someone else.

Thanks lannare for putting a smile back on my face!

You recall correctly - however, giving the job of being my wife to another person is bound to create untold heartache!

LYW!

Oh, I don't do marriage counseling. I meant the preperation of dinner job.

[eek]

May I ask what she does during the day? I couldnt quite gather if you mean she has work outside of the home or if she is housewife. If housewife, then I feel she should be cooking, getting the kids ready, and keeping the house in order (cleaning and bills etc). If shes working outside of the home then the household running and chores should be split or a maid brought in to help and/or food bought from outside when too tired to cook.

If she is a housewife and you are doing all the things you say, have you discussed it with her? Maybe you should consider a sort of strike? DOnt do the things and thus she will do them? I mean..maybe shes just thinking why bother doing these things when you already do. Or..if she is a new mummy, then maybe she has some post-natal depression? Possibly may be some clinical reason for her being apathetic?

[WaiWai]

If you have house staff and your wife has outside work, the solution is simple - pay a cook. Brief the cook on the healthy meal options for breakfast, lunch & dinner. Start simple and add more options. If your wife does not like to cook or order in food, this can be a very healthy way to eat, as you can set limits on the oil, msg etc.

You presumably can find yourself nutritious food but your kids should not have to live on chips and pepsi. That's an extremely bad start in life for them . Time to intervene in some way.

Edited October 5, 2007 by WaiWai

[soundman]

May I ask what she does during the day? I couldnt quite gather if you mean she has work outside of the home or if she is housewife. If housewife, then I feel she should be cooking, getting the kids ready, and keeping the house in order (cleaning and bills etc). If shes working outside of the home then the household running and chores should be split or a maid brought in to help and/or food bought from outside when too tired to cook.

If she is a housewife and you are doing all the things you say, have you discussed it with her? Maybe you should consider a sort of strike? DOnt do the things and thus she will do them? I mean..maybe shes just thinking why bother doing these things when you already do. Or..if she is a new mummy, then maybe she has some post-natal depression? Possibly may be some clinical reason for her being apathetic?

How did i know you would jump in on this one eek?

Short answer. She works long hours, I work long hours, I believe I contribute more than my fair share of the household chores & because I can't cook anything besides pizza's, hamburgers & spaghetti - which no one else in the household eats, I believe (as do the rest of her family) that she should be the one responsible for making / buying the daily meals for the family.

Except, she does not think this way. She doesn't think I should make the meals either - she just doesn't care after she has had her bowl of whatever in the afternoon.

Cheers.

[soundman]

If you have house staff and your wife has outside work, the solution is simple - pay a cook. Brief the cook on the healthy meal options for breakfast, lunch & dinner. Start simple and add more options. If your wife does not like to cook or order in food, this can be a very healthy way to eat, as you can set limits on the oil, msg etc.

You presumably can find yourself nutritious food but your kids should not have to live on chips and pepsi. That's an extremely bad start in life for them . Time to intervene in some way.

Hypothetically speaking you are on to a good idea.

In reality - the house staff can't cook anything apart from a hard-boiled egg to a completely dry fried fish. I once had them make me eggs & bacon for breakfast & it was an absolute disaster. In-edible.

Considering the fact that I (nor my youngest daughter) eat seafood, that rules out most decent take away shops.

I asked wife to buy some cereal for the kids a few months ago & she comes back with stuff that makes coco pops look sugar free.

At this present point in time I get the nanny to go down to the market at 6.30 every morning to buy the kids breakfast. Comes back with fried pork & the like everyday - no matter what I specify.

What a headache!

Soundman.

[qualtrough]

I think you have a right to be upset. Everyone is different, but I have never met a Thai woman like that. All the ones I have known are more than happy to do the cooking.

[soundman]

I think you have a right to be upset. Everyone is different, but I have never met a Thai woman like that. All the ones I have known are more than happy to do the cooking.

Thanx for that,

Most days, having to cook (or fend) for myself doesnt bother me that much. It just really gets to me when you have had a particullarly stressful day & you get home to hear "I've eaten, look after yourself."

Cheers.

[RueFang]

I really think it's time to hire a real cook. If your wife doesn't like it, she should start cooking and if her family complain about hiring someone just say your wife's not providing and they'll lay into her. Either way your problem's fixed!

[Andiamo]

May I ask what she does during the day? I couldnt quite gather if you mean she has work outside of the home or if she is housewife. If housewife, then I feel she should be cooking, getting the kids ready, and keeping the house in order (cleaning and bills etc). If shes working outside of the home then the household running and chores should be split or a maid brought in to help and/or food bought from outside when too tired to cook.

If she is a housewife and you are doing all the things you say, have you discussed it with her? Maybe you should consider a sort of strike? DOnt do the things and thus she will do them? I mean..maybe shes just thinking why bother doing these things when you already do. Or..if she is a new mummy, then maybe she has some post-natal depression? Possibly may be some clinical reason for her being apathetic?

How did i know you would jump in on this one eek?

Short answer. She works long hours, I work long hours, I believe I contribute more than my fair share of the household chores & because I can't cook anything besides pizza's, hamburgers & spaghetti - which no one else in the household eats, I believe (as do the rest of her family) that she should be the one responsible for making / buying the daily meals for the family.

Except, she does not think this way. She doesn't think I should make the meals either - she just doesn't care after she has had her bowl of whatever in the afternoon.

Cheers.

WOW, sounds like a bit of a catch 22. Of course, I dunno all the details and the background of your relationship - only you both know that. But surely the kids diet should be of prime concern.....otherwise you're gonna be facing a whole lot of dental bills later on me thinks . Also, their diet is not gonna be very nutritious and growth at a young age is so very important.

Slightly worrying that "she doesn't seem to care" as you mentioned in your post.... Surely when we stay with someone, we should want to look after them and do things for them....another way of expressing our love... That's how it is in our house anyhow! If not, we would be having a serious talk!

Maybe you need to sit down with your wife - at the wkend (not when you are both tired after work), and discuss what to do. As others have suggested, maybe you need to rope the maid in to do some cooking too, with your wife or you setting the menus alternate weeks...? Just an idea... Good luck! Hope you sort it all out

[wadsy]

Geez soundman, I dont wish to sound harsh but my lady and everyone elses I know bends over backward to do things for their partner, even if they have a full time job. And I would think that nuturing the kids would be her priority. She is their natural mother? Maybe she is being a little bit selfish or really doesn't care too much about you? Time to start demanding equality me thinks. Good luck mate.

[donna]

to me it sounds like a very selfish attitude. sure, perhaps she has been out working all day but the fact that she has already bothered to either cook or buy something for herself and not give a thought to the rest of the family makes me feel really sad.

there is nothing better than sharing a meal with family, and there is nothing that should stop her from cooking or buying a little extra when thinking of herself.

if my partner (oh, i forgot, i dont have one....anyway....whatever) said to me 'ive eaten, look after yourself' i would feel like crap.

i dont know what the solution to the problem is. maybe if neither of you have time, you can take it in turns to buy something on the way home? there should be plenty of good 'bagged up' thai food on the way home? decide in the morning who is gonna do what in the morning and stick to it.

[uptou]

Can't you just use the wifes neglect of you as a moral excuse to go out on the pi$$ more often. "Sorry,i was very hungry after working my guts out all day,& thought you wouldnt have any food for me so i went to the restaurant down the road.they are very freindly down there,& provide excellent service".A sort of passive aggressive approach with added benifits.

ps.I definitely aint no marriage counseler either.

[Andiamo]

to me it sounds like a very selfish attitude. sure, perhaps she has been out working all day but the fact that she has already bothered to either cook or buy something for herself and not give a thought to the rest of the family makes me feel really sad.

there is nothing better than sharing a meal with family, and there is nothing that should stop her from cooking or buying a little extra when thinking of herself.

if my partner (oh, i forgot, i dont have one....anyway....whatever) said to me 'ive eaten, look after yourself' i would feel like crap.

i dont know what the solution to the problem is. maybe if neither of you have time, you can take it in turns to buy something on the way home? there should be plenty of good 'bagged up' thai food on the way home? decide in the morning who is gonna do what in the morning and stick to it.

Totally agree with you Donna. (My post above I was a little hesitant to condemn as I don't know SOundman's relationship, but I would defo NOT be a happy bunny! ). Relationships are about Give and Take...

[WaiWai]

Hypothetically speaking you are on to a good idea.

In reality - the house staff can't cook anything apart from a hard-boiled egg to a completely dry fried fish. I once had them make me eggs & bacon for breakfast & it was an absolute disaster. In-edible.

Considering the fact that I (nor my youngest daughter) eat seafood, that rules out most decent take away shops.

I asked wife to buy some cereal for the kids a few months ago & she comes back with stuff that makes coco pops look sugar free.

At this present point in time I get the nanny to go down to the market at 6.30 every morning to buy the kids breakfast. Comes back with fried pork & the like everyday - no matter what I specify.

What a headache!

Soundman.

Hi, Soundman,

Yes, you have definitely a headache here. However, this headache has solutions.

Change one employee to an English-speaking cook who can follow directions.

For one or two weeks, have someone train the current employees to shop and cook. Have them speak to in-laws, explaining the importance of good nutrition for the kids.

Take a week off work to talk with your wife and family.

Whatever, but do what must be done.

This is really a borderline neglect situation for the kids, if happening on a regular basis. Why are the in-laws not feeding the kids ?

Could your wife be depressed ?

P.S. Good on you for asking here.

Edited October 5, 2007 by WaiWai

[eek]

How did i know you would jump in on this one eek? < ow ow..duno wot to make of that! im i being given a virtual smack? if so ' ' to u. So there!

As others have said..it does seem like shes being on the selfish side. Esp in the way shes telling you. :/ If you have tried talking about it to no avail maybe he only option is buying in food for you and the kids that you can zap in the microwave, or buying from a stall on the way home. Nothing beats a family sit down meal though..so best of luck trying to sort it out.

Edited October 5, 2007 by eek

[KhaoNiaw]

Out of interest, is this a change from the 'traditional' way of doing things? Or has this been the case ever since you got married?

[ya5702]

When my wife and I got married several decades ago, we agreed to split domestic chores 50/50: she cooks, I eat.

Now that I am retired (at 48), it is still 50/50: I cook, she eats.

We are in for the long haul. Live and let live!

[Grover]

Hungry as anything, I approach the house, settle down for a few moments of rest, & then inquire with the wife as to what we may be eating for dinner. Kids are hovering in the background, obviously hungry.

Sorry, she replies (on a daily basis). "I have allready eaten. You will have to organise some food for yourself."

What about the kids I ask?

"Oh, they can have some chips and coke or milk."

I'm guessing most mothers/wives take pleasure in cooking food for their family. Its all part of the female nurturing thing.

Her behavior strikes me as odd. I think it is a symptom of another underlying problem........ the question then becomes, what ?

[mikethevigoman]

I wake up in the morning, get the kids up, clean them, change the rubbish bins, pack the car send the kids of to their appropriate destinations (school etc.), work all day, pick the kids up, deliver them elsewhere, back to work, finish for the day, head home, usually only having eaten nibbles & maybe a little noodle dish.

Hungry as anything, I approach the house, settle down for a few moments of rest, & then inquire with the wife as to what we may be eating for dinner. Kids are hovering in the background, obviously hungry.

Sorry, she replies (on a daily basis). "I have allready eaten. You will have to organise some food for yourself."

What about the kids I ask?

"Oh, they can have some chips and coke or milk."

That is not a nutricious meal, how about you buying some food or cooking something & if you have allready eaten why didn't you buy something for the rest of us?

Storm clouds gathering, batten down the hatches - the full fury of the hurricane is unleashed! No Thai's (male or female) like to have their perfectly prepared answers challeged.....

Now my question is this: From a Thai families point of view is there any onus on a particular individual (read wife in my case) in the family unit to be the one who provides the food? Or is it every person for themselves whenever they feel hungry & once their bellies are full who cares about anyone else?

Frustrated & hungry,

Soundman.

You must start as you mean to go on,. i do nothing around the house whatsoever,my wife dosent drive but i taught her the basics so that she can take the rubbish in the pick up to the end of the drive,.she bought a bell, like seen on hotel reception desks so that my daughter and i can ring it if we need food or a drink whilst watching tv,.now i know all the bra burners will jump on me but we get on great, .to each their own,i have friends that do dishes etc, not me i hate it, i changed a nappy once, i was told fish and chips are wrapped better ! suited me ,never got asked again, gotta go, im off out to buy the wife a new iron for her birthday, ! Edited October 5, 2007 by mikethevigoman

[GuestHouse]

I gather that your wife is buying meals in for helself, not cooking and I suspect that this is part of the problem.

One of our house rules is everyone eats together - breakfast, lunch and dinner, eaten as a family at the table and evryone eating the same food. That doesn't matter if the meal is a carry out, which are only occasional or meals cooked by me/my wife.

I see two issues here. One, and to my mind, the most important, sitting, eating and spending time together. The other issue is cooking food. I don't see that as a chore, its part of the meal and what is more important than the quality and preperation of the food we eat.

There is something else too, the lesson that our children learn from us.

I don't know how you'ld go about it, but I'd be insisting on eating together a minimum - even if you hire a cook to make the meals for you.

Work is not a excuse not to take time for meals - meals are an excuse in their own right.