My Relationship Is Finished - I Have Told Him So

[peter991]

I am going online in a couple of minutes to chat with my (new) Thai boyfriend on MSN. I am going to ask him for his thoughts from a Thai perspective but I am after advice from fellow farangs as to what to do.

Basically, I had a 3 year relationship with a young Thai guy. It started in June 2004 - when I was considering retiring in Thailand. We had a mostly long distance relationship - with me in Australia and him in Thailand for 3 years. It ended just after he returned to Thailand after obtaining a 3 month Tourist Visa to stay with me in Australia.

I ended the relationship and told him that it's all over and suggested he get a new boyfriend. The problem is he doesn't want the relationship to end. I haven't sent him any money since we broke up. He could have returned to bar work and the easy life - but he decided to stay home in his Issan village - cutting sugar cane. It's hard work - manually cut 10 canes, bundle them up with twine - get paid 1 baht per bundle. A big change from the 30,000 baht a month he was getting from me.

He phoned me early this morning - he needs 500 baht to go to hospital as he is very sick. I know the call is genuine as we promised each other a long time ago never to tell a lie to each other. I could send him a few thousand baht via Western Union - but my heart says no. I have feelings for him - quite a lot of feelings after 3 years of knowing each other - but I no longer love him.

I have known my (new) boyfriend for around the same amount of time - about 3.5 years. New boyfriend holds a responsible Government position, is university educated and 30 years of age (ex-boyfriend is 22yo). New boyfriend is everything I want in a relationship - quiet, sensible, careful with money and very loving and caring.

I don't want to jeopardise the relationship with new boyfriend by being seen to help my ex-boyfriend. In fact I don't want to visit ex-boyfriend again. Sure - I miss his parents who are lovely people and really care for me and Issan village life in general - but that part of my life is over.

I am interested in your comments - how did you move from Boyfriend number 1 to Boyfriend number 2? Were you able to make the move smoothly?

Peter

[Paagai]

He phoned me early this morning - he needs 500 baht to go to hospital as he is very sick. I know the call is genuine as we promised each other a long time ago never to tell a lie to each other. I could send him a few thousand baht via Western Union - but my heart says no. I have feelings for him - quite a lot of feelings after 3 years of knowing each other - but I no longer love him.

You can take the boy out of the bar but you can't take the bar out of the boy! But, it sounds like you know that already. Problem is, if you say yes this time, you will just have the same heart ache next time he asks, and you know there WILL be a next time don't you?

IMHO a BF you are giving 30K/Month to is a psuedo BF, even if there is real feelings and maybe love involved on both sides you will always have that nagging doubt about the real motivation. Whereas, it sounds like BF #2 is the real deal - make sure you hang onto him.

My best Thai friend I've known 7 years, we tried the BF thing, it didn't work, he's way too high maintenance. I never gave him money regularly, but he was always scamming it at every opportunity anyway . He's still great fun and still scamming (great entertainment watching him pillaging other farang - a skill which he has down to a fine art ). We're still very close but I never have worked out what he really thinks.

However, if I ever have a problem, one call and he'll be there: he's gotten me out of some shit like that on several occasions! I can tolerate a few faults in that kind of friend! As to the transation to BF #2, no chance; ex BF #1 is too jealous to ever let that happen!

[PeaceBlondie]

Peter, most government hospitals are practically free. If you've been sending him 30K forever, he owes you money. His family owes you money. Next time he calls, tell him your sister/brother/mother needs 900,000 for surgery in Australia, so could he please send you all he can?

[JohnC]

ex b/f s are the same as ex g/f s or wives, everywhere in the world, they are EX . he needs to realise you have moved on and so must he, sometimes we have to be cruel to be kind. IMHO

[Scott]

There is a sort of socialist mentality about these things here that make it a little hard for us farang. At the end of the day, you need to decide whether or not your time together is worth helping him out or not. Ethically, you don't have to, and you need to remember that.

On the other hand, if you can and you want to, go ahead and do it. I would. I've been in a similar situation and decided "no." I was walking along the road and dropped 20 baht in a beggars cup. I thought, wow, I'll give money to a complete stranger, but won't help a friend. I changed my mind, and I periodically help him out, not because I have to, but because I can and I want to. This person never wronged me, never hurt me, was never devious and even if he was, he was a great companion and now he's a good friend.

Use your own discretion, it's your money and it was your relationship.

[THAILIBAN]

I am going online in a couple of minutes to chat with my (new) Thai boyfriend on MSN. I am going to ask him for his thoughts from a Thai perspective but I am after advice from fellow farangs as to what to do.

Basically, I had a 3 year relationship with a young Thai guy. It started in June 2004 - when I was considering retiring in Thailand. We had a mostly long distance relationship - with me in Australia and him in Thailand for 3 years. It ended just after he returned to Thailand after obtaining a 3 month Tourist Visa to stay with me in Australia.

I ended the relationship and told him that it's all over and suggested he get a new boyfriend. The problem is he doesn't want the relationship to end. I haven't sent him any money since we broke up. He could have returned to bar work and the easy life - but he decided to stay home in his Issan village - cutting sugar cane. It's hard work - manually cut 10 canes, bundle them up with twine - get paid 1 baht per bundle. A big change from the 30,000 baht a month he was getting from me.

He phoned me early this morning - he needs 500 baht to go to hospital as he is very sick. I know the call is genuine as we promised each other a long time ago never to tell a lie to each other. I could send him a few thousand baht via Western Union - but my heart says no. I have feelings for him - quite a lot of feelings after 3 years of knowing each other - but I no longer love him.

I have known my (new) boyfriend for around the same amount of time - about 3.5 years. New boyfriend holds a responsible Government position, is university educated and 30 years of age (ex-boyfriend is 22yo). New boyfriend is everything I want in a relationship - quiet, sensible, careful with money and very loving and caring.

I don't want to jeopardise the relationship with new boyfriend by being seen to help my ex-boyfriend. In fact I don't want to visit ex-boyfriend again. Sure - I miss his parents who are lovely people and really care for me and Issan village life in general - but that part of my life is over.

I am interested in your comments - how did you move from Boyfriend number 1 to Boyfriend number 2? Were you able to make the move smoothly?

Peter

well, long-distance-relationships do NEVER EVER work...... no matter if gay or heterosexual. after I found out this, I knew I would have to move to Asia some years ago....

if you REALLY think he is very sick and needs the money for treatment, and if its just 500 Baht, then why not send him, but tell him to never contact you again after that.

would be a fair deal.

if he used to live a bar-life and does now prefer to do hard work for a small wage in his hometown, this actually shows that he has grown up during ur relationship in some way, and would act different in case he manages to find a new BF....

sadly, almost all gay relationships are not made for lifetime....

good luck for u and ur new relationship, as well as for ur old BF and his future life....

[farang prince]

Peter, only you really know the answer to your question in your heart. If it were me, I would send the ex the 500 baht and say this is a one and done deal and wish him the best with his life. That way I could walk away from the relationship with a clean conscience and never look back. I have expressed my feelings in a similar thread about a year ago, when it comes to moving from one relationship to another. In my case, I kissed my ex goodbye, gave him enough money to survive for a few months, and wished him well. And I never looked back. I didn't open his cards. I didn't accept his phone calls. I didn't reply to his emails. In about three weeks the phone calls stopped. And in two months, the emails stopped. Life moved on for both of us.

[bungalowbill]

There are farangs that live here on less than the 30K a month you were giving your xboyfriend. I'm sure he and his family back in the village have put it to good use.

I would say don't send him the 500 baht. He's probably testing you out...if you give him the money now, he will never stop asking you for more in the future

Your new boyfriend sounds great...good luck

[lazeeboy]

There are farangs that live here on less than the 30K a month you were giving your xboyfriend. I'm sure he and his family back in the village have put it to good use.

I would say don't send him the 500 baht. He's probably testing you out...if you give him the money now, he will never stop asking you for more in the future

Your new boyfriend sounds great...good luck

if you send uim the money he will never stop ,be hard and say no ,if you dont break ties now he will never stop .

[Jingthing]

My farang ex is now my best friend in the world, and always will be. For a few weeks after we broke up, I considered never talking to him again, but I am sure glad I didn't

It is very common for ex-lovers to become the best of friends. The OP says he still has feelings for him. I will be contrarian and say give him the money.

[FranklyNoMore]

Ive been split with my Thai ex for 5 years now. He accepted my need to move on and we are still friends. He knows I have a bf of 4 years and he talks about his relationships to me and we meet up from time to time for lunch. I have lent him money on occasions, most recently 50,000 all with my current bfs approval. My ex is well educated with a good job but is pretty useless managing his money.

Just because the love part of the relationship is over doesnt mean friendship part has to be. Thais are quite accepting of the fact that you are no longer in love with them and life goes on for them but lending him money, imho depends if he did anything to lose your love. My ex didnt do anything, I just fell out of love with him. If it was similar for you id lend the money, if you still care for him but tell your current bf everything, dont hide anything from him. Id guess he would say lend the money, so why not ask him for his opinion on this matter.

[peter991]

Just because the love part of the relationship is over doesnt mean friendship part has to be.

Thanks everybody for your input. I sent him some money and I think he is getting the message that the relationship is over. He knows I will be back in Thailand next month - but will not be seeing him.

Peter

[geriatrickid]

500B - medical crisis - advice to send

Those that said yes and Peter that sent = Classy in my eyes.

All in favour, said to do it because it was the right thing to do.

Maybe you're softies/suckers or whatever, but at the end of the day, I'd rather have people like you as my neighbours who'd probably help me out too.

..........Making the world a little bit better one kind act at a time..............

[bungalowbill]

Geriatric....Did you ever wonder why the OP asked a public forum if he should give a mere 500 baht after he was paying a 22 year old 30,000 baht a month?

If the kid came to my house bleeding or sick, I would take him to the hospital. But you have to cut it off or the requests to "send" money will never stop...unless of course you have money to burn...which I guess a lot of farangs in Thailand do, so you are correct..... they have every right to give it away.

Edited October 28, 2007 by bungalowbill

[Krub]

Just because the love part of the relationship is over doesnt mean friendship part has to be.

Thanks everybody for your input. I sent him some money and I think he is getting the message that the relationship is over. He knows I will be back in Thailand next month - but will not be seeing him.

Peter

Peter, good on you. You had a great relationship while it lasted and there is nothing wrong with helping somebody you know especially someone you have spend happy times with.

If it carries on and he plays you around for more more often, then it will be time to say NO.

All my best wishes for your new relationship, it looks like you discussed this and he agreed good on him too !

[stevejones123]

I sent him some money and I think he is getting the message that the relationship is over.

Well done. You shouldn't make a mountain out of a molehill.

Edited November 1, 2007 by stevejones123

[Scott]

I think we should be careful about being too negative. Different people are going to have different takes on money in a relationship. Some folks set out strong, definite boundaries with regard to money and others are more fluid with their cash. Neither way is right or wrong; it just depends on the people involved and how they build the relationship.

My other half works hard, but if he needs/wants something, I will bend over backwards to help him. He very seldom asks and when he does, it is because he really needs help. I have an ex from years ago who still asks for money. Sometimes I give him some and sometimes I don't.

I think one of the things that people need to remember is that a lot of gays don't have a "family", per se, and so our friends, lovers, ex-lovers, one-night stands, etc. all may play a role that would be different from our hetero friends. It's best if we can understand other people's motives.

In this case, I think it was a nice gesture to an old friend.

[Steve2UK]

Seems done & dusted now, but I'll echo the view that sending the 500 baht as a last once and for all gesture is right. But - 30,000 a month?! That is astronomical by Thai standards.......... Others have their own view, but I still hold (for me) that I want my Thai BF to be holding down some sort of a job even if it's only generating say 5-6,000 per month - and then I'll augment it by say 10,000 on the basis that I'm sharing my good fortune. As opposed to sharing my "fortune".........

[RAMPAGE]

I am going online in a couple of minutes to chat with my (new) Thai boyfriend on MSN. I am going to ask him for his thoughts from a Thai perspective but I am after advice from fellow farangs as to what to do.

Basically, I had a 3 year relationship with a young Thai guy. It started in June 2004 - when I was considering retiring in Thailand. We had a mostly long distance relationship - with me in Australia and him in Thailand for 3 years. It ended just after he returned to Thailand after obtaining a 3 month Tourist Visa to stay with me in Australia.

I ended the relationship and told him that it's all over and suggested he get a new boyfriend. The problem is he doesn't want the relationship to end. I haven't sent him any money since we broke up. He could have returned to bar work and the easy life - but he decided to stay home in his Issan village - cutting sugar cane. It's hard work - manually cut 10 canes, bundle them up with twine - get paid 1 baht per bundle. A big change from the 30,000 baht a month he was getting from me.

He phoned me early this morning - he needs 500 baht to go to hospital as he is very sick. I know the call is genuine as we promised each other a long time ago never to tell a lie to each other. I could send him a few thousand baht via Western Union - but my heart says no. I have feelings for him - quite a lot of feelings after 3 years of knowing each other - but I no longer love him.

I have known my (new) boyfriend for around the same amount of time - about 3.5 years. New boyfriend holds a responsible Government position, is university educated and 30 years of age (ex-boyfriend is 22yo). New boyfriend is everything I want in a relationship - quiet, sensible, careful with money and very loving and caring.

I don't want to jeopardise the relationship with new boyfriend by being seen to help my ex-boyfriend. In fact I don't want to visit ex-boyfriend again. Sure - I miss his parents who are lovely people and really care for me and Issan village life in general - but that part of my life is over.

I am interested in your comments - how did you move from Boyfriend number 1 to Boyfriend number 2? Were you able to make the move smoothly?

Peter

If you think the request is on the level...why not help him out? Since you don't want anything from him its a good opportunity to help someone without expecting something in return...that's how you make merit...you current bf doesn't need to know

[dadboy]

Hello everybody, I am 29 yrs old and living in an open kind of relationship with my partner for 8 years, In all those years I could never remember I asked any money from my Aussie partner neither I remember he was offering me 1000 dollars a month as the first poster stated. I am not an expert of Thai culture, although my own culture is quite close to Thai. What I would like to know is how common is for the Thai guys to ask money straight way from their bf or its the caucassian bf who always offer money first ? Either way do you really think you are helping out the guys, What really happen when they reach 50? Anyway everybody must have different reasons to support their partner financially , But do you really teach them how to become independent financially. I am just amused to know life could be so easy for some guys. I really envy them.

Edited November 30, 2007 by dadboy

[expatwannabe]

Even if he's lying about the purpose of the 500 Baht, I say give it to him. What do you care? It's so little money, and he meant a lot to you, didn't he?

He's decided that he'd rather cut sugar cane than be a prostitute? Good for him! He's got character.

[999999roses]

If its a relationship between a money boy and a daddy, then yes, they would expect you to pay.

But this could just happen anywhere, not necessarily only in Thailand.

And no, it's definitely not a Thai culture. So, lets just not over generalize it.

I'm thai and I have a caucasian boyfriend who is 3 years yonger than me.

So, not all inter-racial relationships need to be between a young thai and an older

caucasian. Also, I never ask for money from my boyfriend, or anyone else..not even

from my close friends. My mother has always taught me not to do that and live within

your own limits.

I agree with you that people who chose to do it probably have their own reasons,

but I don't think there's anything to be jealous about asking money from people.

Hello everybody, I am 29 yrs old and living in an open kind of relationship with my partner for 8 years, In all those years I could never remember I asked any money from my Aussie partner neither I remember he was offering me 1000 dollars a month as the first poster stated. I am not an expert of Thai culture, although my own culture is quite close to Thai. What I would like to know is how common is for the Thai guys to ask money straight way from their bf or its the caucassian bf who always offer money first ? Either way do you really think you are helping out the guys, What really happen when they reach 50? Anyway everybody must have different reasons to support their partner financially , But do you really teach them how to become independent financially. I am just amused to know life could be so easy for some guys. I really envy them.

[PeaceBlondie]

peter has resolved the situation already. With his approval, it's obvious the story has run its course. Thanks to all who commented and observed.

Topic closed.