One Liners

[Tufty]

My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the the fire brigade.

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it.

I said, 'Thyroid problem?'

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.

Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and sold the engine?

I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.

I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on with my real ladder.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Pass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.

Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names.

But one day I turned to my bullies and said - 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was sticks

and stones all the way.

Sex is like bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough."

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither.

Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things they don't understand, such as working for a living.

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

[fatter than harry]

I'm not addicted to Blackjack, I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle.

[Gazza]

I asked a girl in Thai. 'Prung Nii Wang Mai' (Are you free tomorrow?)

Her eyes lit up and she replied 'Wang Kha'

I slapped her face saying "Nobody calls me a <deleted>, bitch!"

[yok yawng]

On a cold, cold night two bulls are standing in a field. One says "Boy it's mighty cold out here!", the other says "Yes, I think I might slip into a nice Jersey".

[alvino]

How cold was it?

It was so cold,

I actually observed a lawer's hands in his own pockets!

[Indo-Siam]

More from Emo Phillips:

I ran three miles today, finally I said "lady take your purse."

Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.

I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky---but there wasn't any gum under any of them.

I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming...They don't know I'm only using blanks.

I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, "Get off me, you two!"

Indo-Siam