Viz Comic's Latest Top Tips And Letters

[DJ Pat]

DEAF PEOPLE Wearing oven gloves outdoors is an ideal way to stop strangers from eavesdropping on your conversation.

*BLIND PEOPLE Give yourself at least a chance of seeing something by not wearing heavy dark glasses all the time.

*GRATED cheddar cheese from the supermarket can be squashed tightly together with the fingers to produce a block of cheese, ready for slicing or grating.

*GENTLEMEN Speed up your lovemaking by playing Benny Hill's theme tune 'Yackety Sax' in the bedroom.

*HOMEOWNERS Don't hesitate to tell the rest of us how much your house has appreciated in value since you bought it. The more frequently you give us updates, the greater will be our delight at your good fortune and our admiration and respect for your financial prescience.

*MEN Can't get a blow job? Simply strip <deleted> naked, plonk yourself arse-first into an empty dustbin, and you should be able to do it yourself. Use a pile of tyres instead of a dustbin if you require deep throat.

*LADIES! Putting your mouth and chin inside a pint glass and sucking hard for three minutes is an excellent way to give yourself a "Fred Flintstone" five o'clock shadow.

*WHITE wine splashed onto a red wine stain will clean it up quickly. Similarly, fat splashes on clothes can be easily removed by rubbing salad onto the affected area.

*ONE ARMED men. If your partner is thinking about getting breast implants, convince her to save money and only get one done.

*ALCOHOL makes an ideal substitute for happiness.

*DON'T waste money on a new car with air-conditioning. Simply buy one that has been in a 'death crash' and let the ghosts keep you cool.

*ORIGAMI ENTHUSIASTS Save money on expensive brown paper by simply folding Happy Shopper beefburgers. Also your final model can also be grilled, filling your house with the pleasing aroma of tramps' socks.

* MUMS Make bath nights more fun for the kids by playing 'moth aircraft carrier'. Simply float a shoebox in the bath with a torch attached. Leave a window open for ten minutes, then turn off the bathroom lights and watch as the moths attempt to make their dramatic and dangerous landings

*DRIVERS. If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send them on their way.

*IN A RUSH? Cook your breakfast egg in half the time by replacing the water in the pan with commercially available brake fluid which boils at 200?c.

*PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the morning, simply move it all back again

*CAR thieves Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.

*SAVE money on expensive surround sound home cinema systems by only watching films when the appropriate noises are going on outside, eg watch horror movies when there is a storm on, or cowboy films whilst local drug gangs are fighting it out in the street.

*DEPRESSED people Instead of attempting suicide as a 'cry for help', simply shout 'Help!' thus saving money on paracetamol, etc.

*WORM farmers Double your yield by simply cutting every worm in half. Hey presto! Each half will grow into a new worm.

*IMPOTENT men Don't waste money on expensive drugs like Viagra off the internet. Just let your wife think you don't fancy her.

*WHEN replying to Nigerian lawyers that offer millions in return for a ฃ50.000 finders fee, only send half the money. Keep the rest until you get the paperwork.

*SINGLE men Convince people that you have a girlfriend by standing outside any ladies clothes store with several bags of shopping, looking at your watch and occasionally glancing inside

*DIABOLISTS For the full effect when photographing Satan, make sure to switch off your camera's red-eye reduction feature

*BOIL an egg to perfection without costly eggtimers by popping the egg into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60 mph. After 3 miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out the pan

*GUYS. If your lady's reluctant to swallow, make her eat halloumi cheese to get her used to the taste

* BI-CURIOUS men. Go to a male doctor and complain of rectal bleeding. The resultant erotic anal probe will be a safe way to find out whether gayness is really for you

*ALCOHOLICS Don't worry where the next drink is coming from. Go to the pub, where a large selection is available at retail prices.

*A POST-IT note stuck beneath the nose is an ideal deterrent to lip-readers.

*McDONALD'S Make your brown carrier bags green in colour so they blend in with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows

LETTERS

*HOW happy Andy Williams sounds as he trills out the line 'The boys watch the girls while the girls watch theboys who watch the girls go by'. Why can't social services adopt a similar carefree attitude when moving me on from the local primary school?

J. Richardson, Merseyside

*Last week I attended an AA meeting, and to my horror, each person present stood up and openly admitted to being an alcoholic. I'm not having these boastful drunkards repairing my car. I can only hope the RAC have more responsible employees.

Hugie Dixon, West Drayton

*I'm fed up with finding my e-mail inbox stuffed full of adverts for penis enlarging pills. In the interests of sexual equality, isn't it about time that they started bombarding women's computers with adverts for fanny tightening tablets?

Neil, Scotland

*My Granny always told me that if I didn't take my coat off indoors I wouldn't feel the benefit. Of course, I didn't believe her. Then, last week, I spent the whole day in my flat with my anorak on. The next day, when I went to collect my giro, I discovered my hands were numb and I couldn't 'feel' the 'benefit'.

Unesco Drambuie, Tredegar

*'If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with,' Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young proclaimed proudly once upon a time. Well I can't be with my girlfriend at the moment, because I'm in Risley Remand Centre awaiting trial for driving offences. And worse, the man in the cell with me is six foot four, called Skull, has Satan tattooed on his forehead and is serving a 7 year stretch for attempted murder.

S Hymen, Risley Remand Centre

*The saying goes, 'See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck.' Well I beg to differ. I'm a matador, and whilst picking a penny up at work the other day I was badly gored in the anus. That's not good luck in my book.

Milos el Standish, Barcelona

*I HAVE recently started to masturbate whilst fantasising about Jeanette Krankie. My problem is that I cannot work out whether I am gay, straight or a paedophile. What do your readers think?

D Barclay

* WHILE cleaning out the back of my fridge the other day, I found a half-full carton of 'fresh full-cream milk', but when I drank it I threw up and spent the rest of the week in bed. Fresh, my arse.

D Rimjob

*ACCORDING to a recent survey, most wives are too embarrassed to get undressed in front of their husbands with the light on. I wish mine ###### was.

J Downing, Stoke on Trent

*COULD the Home Secretary explain to me how biometric checks on iris patterns and fingerprints are going to help keep tabs on muslim cleric Abu Hamsa.

Les Barnsley, Barnsley

*'ONE pound a week will supply water for an entire village in Tanzania', says Oxfam. So how come United Utilities charge me twenty pounds a month for my three bedroom semi? The fleecing bastards.

Tracey Cusick, Cumbria

*HOW come rap artist Dr. Dre can use the 'N' word on his multi-million selling albums and win a MOBO award, yet when I used it at my son's football match I was asked to leave the park? Once again, it's one law for the rich and another for the poor.

Reg Ashcroft, Bradford

*So HMV consider Andy Williams and Dean Martin to be "easy listening" do they? Try telling that to my mate Andy. He's been deaf for 20 years.

Tim

*I couldn't sleep the other night so my wife suggested that I try counting sheep jumping over a 5-bar gate. I drove around all night looking for a flock able to perform this feat, but I hadn't found one by the time the sun came up. Needless to say I got even less sleep that night than usual. What a farce.

A. Morris, Frampton

*I couldn't sleep the other night so my wife suggested that I try counting sheep jumping over a 5-bar gate. I drove around all night looking for a flock able to perform this feat, but I hadn't found one by the time the sun came up. Needless to say I got even less sleep that night than usual. What a farce.

A. Morris, Frampton

*Isn't it about time they discovered a new bit of 'Voice of an Angel' jailbait? I can't be the only one who thinks that Charlotte Church is getting a bit long in the tooth these days.

Albert Crabtree, Ruislip

*It's all very well these bleeding heart liberals getting on their high horses because the Canadians are culling seals again. They don't have a troupe of seals living next door to them, like I do. If, like me, they were kept awake every night by incessant clapping and the honking of bicycle horns into the early hours, they'd be the first onto the ice floe with a baseball bat, let me tell you.

A. Forrest, Castleford

*They say "you can't judge a book by its cover". What nonsense. The last edition of High School Anal that I bought featured a young lady stuffing a big one up her bomb-bay on the front page, and this turned out to be an excellent indication of the contents.

Mark Roberts

*I'm 86 and the other day a youth on the bus refused to give up his seat for me, and I had to stand for the whole journey. What a fool I felt when I realised that it was my own fault as, 60 years ago, I joined up and fought Hitler for that young man's right to sit wherever he wanted on the bus. If I'd have known then how my selfless bravery in the North Africa campaign would come to backfire on me, I would have fought for the Nazis.

Albert Sparks, Englefield