For Frequent Flyers

[astral]

Got a minute or two? Here are some conversations that the airline

passengers don't hear. The following are accounts of actual exchanges

between airline pilots and control towers around the world.

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock , 6 miles!" Delta

351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

==============================================

"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees." "Centre, we are

at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?" "Sir, have you

ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

==============================================

O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a

Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound." United 239: "Approach,

I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."

==============================================

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While

attempting to locate the aircraft on radar,

ATC asked, "What was your last known position?

"Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."

==============================================

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll

out after touching down. San Jose Tower noted: "American 751,

make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you

are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the

lights and return to the airport."

================================

There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority

landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit

peaked." Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number

two, behind aB-52 that had one engine shut down. "Ah," the fighter

pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."

==============================================

Taxiing down the tarmac, a DC-10 abruptly stopped, turned around and

returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A

concerned passenger asked the flight attendant,

"What, exactly, was the problem?"

"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained

the flight attendant. "It took us a while to find a new pilot."

==============================================

A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard

the following: Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start

clearance time?" Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must

speak in English. "Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a

German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice from another plane(in a beautiful British accent):

"Because you lost the bloody war."

==============================================

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,

after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact

Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"

Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and

yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."

==============================================

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold

short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed,

rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some

quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a

cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"

The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with

a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and

I'll have enough parts for another one."

==============================================

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a

short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate

parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So

it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the

following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways

747, call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."

Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location

now."

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not

been to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- and I didn't land."

========================================================

While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air

flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to

nose with a United 727.

An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming:

"US Air 2771, where the ###### are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway!

You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the

difference between C and D, but get it right!" Continuing her rage to

the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now

you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You

stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect

progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to

go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got

that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal

bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate

ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every

cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.

Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking:

"Wasn't I married to you once?"

[Pink Mist]

You can hear the pilot and controller conversations on channel 10 (from memory) in United's shuttle service in the states, or you could about 8 years ago.

[Thetyim]

Oh no , not again.

Thats the third time on this forum.

Can I post them again next month, it must be my turn soon.

[Pink Mist]

there are a couple of new ones

[Spee]

You can hear the pilot and controller conversations on channel 10

Still can at least on some flights. I did Tokyo to Bangkok a short while ago. I listened in on the cockpit chatter while we were on the ground.

The Narita ATC's had the ground traffic totally screwed up that evening. We pushed back from the gate, the pilot spun up the engines, and there we sat for 45 minutes.

It was hilarious listening to the ATC's screw up the calls and the directions, with the various pilots subtly busting their balls every time.

An representative example of the chatter from my flight:

Narita ATC: United 837 you may push back from the gate and wait for further instructions.

(we had been given pushback clearance about 15 minutes prior to that point)

UA837 Captain: Narita Control, we pushed back 15 minutes ago ..... we're sitting here with all four engines running ..... waiting for clearance to proceed.

(meaning 'we're burning $100 of fuel a minute waiting for you guys to get your sh*t together')

Narita ATC: United 837, okay we see you, please wait for further instructions.

(the ATC's had blocked our taxiway with two other jets, and had completely forgotten about us, or so it seemed)

[stevehaigh]

speak in English. "Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a

German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice from another plane(in a beautiful British accent):

"Because you lost the bloody war."

now that's funny

[dr_Pat_Pong]

speak in English. "Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a

German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice from another plane(in a beautiful British accent):

"Because you lost the bloody war."

now that's funny

Agreed ... and the Frankfurt Airport one too. One that was missing was the one where the aircraft were lined up waiting for take off, and one of the flight crew radioed the tower and said 'I'm effin' bored ' the tower responded immediately and said ' identify yourself that aircraft '. The response was " I said I was effin' bored, not effin' stupid '

[dr_Pat_Pong]

Oh no , not again.

Thats the third time on this forum.

Can I post them again next month, it must be my turn soon.

Form an orderly queue please.