New Company Policy!

[Chopper]

Please read below:

Company Policy:

Effective from July 1st 2008

Dress Code

It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days

We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.

Bereavement Leave

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Toilet Use

Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders category". Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break

Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

[Crossy]

Hmmm, feels like the shower I'm working for in Bangalore has read this

Actually, some years ago a worked for a company that implemented a variation on the "toilet time", not deliberately I hasten to add but by accident. Some bright spark suggested that they could save energy by putting the toilet lights on a PIR (Passive Infra Red) switch. This worked like those movement detectors on your burglar alarm, go in the loo and the light switched on, brilliant. After 5 minutes or so the light went out, instant energy saving However, this had the side effect of plunging anyone unfortunate enough to be having a longer than usual bowel movement into darkness. Picture the scene of a chap with his trousers round his ankles desperately trying to attract the attention of the PIR to get the light on when the lady cleaner walks in!!

Yes, it was I

Edited February 20, 2008 by Crossy

[Chopper]

Funny as <deleted> that is Crossy. Puts you right in the shit so to speak when the lights go out.

[peter991]

You know you've been in Thailand too long when you start chatting to the lady cleaners in the mens toilets.

Peter

[suegha]

You know you've been in Thailand too long when you start chatting to the lady cleaners in the mens toilets.

Peter

That's true that is!