Family/friends Asking For Money

[Khun Bob]

I have some concerns that if I want to spend some time in Thailand that eventually friends or future family will ask one way or another for money. I wont have a great deal of money and dont want to lose it this way.

How do I turn people down and not cause them to lose face or me to be regarded any worse or worse still be subject to some physical attack !

Thanks for you experience and advice

[Jockstar]

In one word. NO! In two words. #### OFF! In 3 words, GET A JOB! In 4 words, I HAVE NO MONEY! In 5 words, STOP ASKING ME FOR MONEY! In 6 words. STOP ####### ASKING ME FOR MONEY. In 7 words. I WONT TELL YOU AGAIN, #### OFF!. in 8 words, DO YOU THINK THAT I'M MADE OF MONEY? in 9 words WHAT IS IT WITH YOU? YOU MONEY GRABBING B######S? In 10 words, WHY DONT YOU ####### EAT MY #### AND DIE! LEECHES!

Sorry about that but just thought the answer would be easy. see 1 word. If they dont get the message then just work up the list till they do.

Anymore?

[wolf5370]

Just tell them either (a) you don't have any, or (b ) that your money is tied up and you can't get at it directly.

Or get some Loan leaflets from your local bank and hand them out when they say the need to pay their sick buffalo's vet bills etc.

[qwertyuiop]

I think that you perhaps exagerate with the thought of possible attack but who knows every situation is different. That being the case I think it is a little hard to generalise regarding a response.

However if your desire is never to lend money then whatever the situation you must politely and firmly say no - no wavering.

[Harry Palmer]

bob... if i were you i'd worry more about how i was gonna protect my money from the evil greedy little bg monkeys with cute faces & sexy slim bodies... they'll have you picked clean in no time if you're not extra careful...

friends... <deleted> off, no, sorry mate or it's all tied up in the UK...

future family... don't marry or date seriously for that matter unless you get it clearly understood that you ain't some kind of cash cow... better in the long run for you to lose a few potential brides than end up with one that is motivated by money... but then ost of em' are to one degree or other...

[quadricorrelator]

Ultimately, you probably have to find your own way to do this. Someone else's methods might not be comfortable for your personality. That is, you couldn't sustain another persons methods because it wouldn't fit your personality. So we can only offer ideas and suggestions for doing this.

Secondly, I think it depends on the situation. I use different methods with different people.

For example, if I am dealing with a falang, and I suspect that he needs money, then I will act pre-emptively. I might tell a story about how a friend recently asked to borrow some money and I said no because I never ever lend money to anyone. This should reduce the chance they will ask for money, and it avoids a confrontation. It has the unfortunate side-effect of making me look cheap and miserly.

If I am dealing with a beggar or someone like that, then I usually try to avoid eye contact and just keep going.

I have had bad luck when I did give small amounts of money to beggars or people in need. I found that they came back later and asked for more. If I did not give them more money, then they became unpleasant. I even got punched one time. At this time, I am very mean about not giving out money to beggars.

[Totster]

My GF is great with money.... I would just let her deal with it... she has no problem with saying no... she has got both our interests to look out for after all...

totster

[BlueTa]

My GF is great with money.... I would just let her deal with it... she has no problem with saying no... she has got both our interests to look out for after all...

totster

I would say the same.

If it is my Thai family asking for money, I am the one who deals with it and says no, if need be.

If it is his family asking for money, he is the one who says no, if need be.

At the end we consider OUR interests without compromising our relations with our respective families.

[chuchok]

My wife is also as tight as a fishes bum when it comes to giving out money.Had a situation a little while ago,where a cousin of hers rang up stating that he neded some money as he could not feed his family.The wife thought that he just wanted the money for gambling or drinking etc...so she gave him a 20kg sack of rice

He has never asked again.

[RDN]

    Just tell them either (a) you don't have any, or (b ) that your money is tied up and you can't get at it directly....

Exactly what I tell my g/f AND because it is the truth! I used to get calls on my phone for my g/f from her mother's sister wanting money "I"m sick and cannot pay the rent on my som-tam shop". She was politely told never to ring my number again. And yet, when she's not sick, she has loads of money to buy drinks for her friends. Why don't Thais save it when they have it, so they don't have to beg for it when they don't?

I tried to explain the concept of a "budget" to my g/f once. No success

Edited September 20, 2004 by RDN

[siam]

My GF is great with money.... I would just let her deal with it... she has no problem with saying no... she has got both our interests to look out for after all...

totster

Totster I am in the same boat too,In fact my Thai future inlaws have a lot more money than i,I think i am in the minority as my Fiance is not money orientated,We don't drink or smoke,and we can trust each other down to the last penny,

We work as a team in everything we do,Virtually live in each others pockets,

To the OP,don't get into any relationships just enjoy yourself in Los,But just bear this in mind,everyone wants your money,and you won't be far/go wrong

[Spee]

I have some concerns that if I want to spend some time in Thailand that eventually friends or future family will ask one way or another for money.

It depends on what your circumstances are.

In my case, my fiance's two brothers have asked if I could help them out with some things, a new (or new-used) motorcycle for the older brother and a computer and camera for the younger one.

I've seen the older brother's motorcycle and it runs but is in pretty bad shape. He is a really good guy who treats me very well and takes good care of me when I visit. Also relative to many village Thai's, he has a really good paying job and needs the bike to help get back and forth to work. So having reliable transport is important to him, and for all he does for me, I want to help him out if I can.

The younger brother is studying photography and is smart enough to know that knowing how to use a computer and a camera might just get him on the track to a decent income. Seeing that the kid is trying to be proactive about his future makes me want to help him out if I can. If he can get out after school and support himself, then there's a lot less risk that he would become a burden on us in the future. If I can help him to get to that point, then I will.

In other words, there are needs for both of them that I recognize. But I tell them I will help them out if I can, when I can.

This is not to put them on the stall or anything, but just to let them know that there are higher priorities, such as:

- finishing our house

- taking care of my fiance's daughter's education and expenses

- taking care of khun-mae, who cannot work and has very little income

- saving money for the future

- etc.

For the older brother, he can get a decent used bike for several $$US. This is not a big hit for me and I know it will help him. I just have to plan for it because finances are tight right now.

For the younger brother, I'm thinking about getting a new computer and camera for myself anyway. So when the time is right, I'll probably hand down my used ones to him.

Like I said, this is a very specific situation that works for me. Your circumstances may be entirely different. I guess I would conclude that like anything else, don't part with your money unless you are comfortable with the situation.

[PeaceBlondie]

Always keep smiling. Making your voice in tones that are both soft-edged and yet somehow firm (?)

A. Oh, I'm sorry, I can't.

B. I'm not a bank.

D. I already loaned money. Man not pay.

E. No have money for friends. No money for family.

Of course, the last one only works if they don't know what money (assets) you have, or what income streams you have. So, never tell 'em.

Start out in standard English. If that doesn't work, talk Thailish, or a third language that they don't know. If they keep repeating themselves, keep repeating yourself. No. Sorry. No. No. No. No. You can say "no" a thousand times; they might even get tired. But always - keep smiling. You might develop a nervous tick after repeating it the fifth time, and keep the tick going, along with a crooked smile. Drool a little.

[Som Nam Na]

I always tell 'em that if they need the money that badly, then I will give them 100 THB to come and clean my house, 20 THB to clean my motorcycle and 150 THB to cut my grass (About 1/2 days work all in all).

I must admit, I don't get many takers.....but then again, not many ask me anymore, heh, heh.

[Nam Kao]

The problem here is once you help one person, the word gets out and the

leeches are all over you. Then if you say "no" to them - they will hold a grudge

against you.

I do this with my wifes family: the ones that are good I help when they

absolutely need it. The bad ones I never help - I dont care if they were dying.

I have been married for 6 years so I know who is who. Its clear to see the

ones that stayed upcountry have a great heart, but the ones that went to work

in the cities turned into very bad people and try to rip off falangs or Thais any chance

they can get.

One of my wifes sisters named Gap, very very nice person, I'd do anything

to help her if she was in a jam as she has helped me many times without even

asking for 1 satang. She is always barking at the losers "GET A JOB" (its funny.)

Her other sister Lek is a prime candidate for an Exorcism - PURE EVIL.

Even Jesus said "Do not throw your pearls to swine".

Edited September 20, 2004 by dr_Pat_Pong

[RamdomChances]

Of course, the last one only works if they don't know what money (assets) you have, or what income streams you have. So, never tell 'em.

Yea nice relationship if you have to keep your money a secret

If you have'nt got it to lend/give just say so.

If you have got it but dont want to give it to them just say "no"

I dont give money to anyone (exept the mother-in -law) but have made some very open ended loans. Some people ask to borrrow money its just a "no sorry" others I will help if I can.

You have to be the judge of what you can afford, or what you want to give, I'm with Toaster and the others the wife usually sorts it out. It sort of follows a pattern here they will talk to the mother-in-law first, then the misses and if they get past them then the wife will talk to me.

I've never found it a big problem and it is not something that happens that often

[loong]

I have found that by firmly telling the gf from the off that you will take care of her and her children and that is where your responsibility stops, get no problems.

She will then be your buffer. If anyone approaches you with hand out, tell them to talk to gf.

She will then act as a filter and if anyone is genuinely in desperate need, she will then consult with you. You can still refuse and she will say no for you.

Why don't Thais save it when they have it, so they don't have to beg for it when they don't?

Thais do seem to be unable to consider tomorrow's needs and this can be puzzling to farang.

Last year, my gf's brother, who is always sponging off everyone, made some money and then cane to proudly show off his new shoes -1200 Baht. Next day he's broke again.

[Heng]

( that your money is tied up ...

This is what I use in the rare case I ever get asked for funds by friends or distant relatives.

For everyone else: "...and what property would you like to use as collateral?"

[SoCal]

When someone wants to borrow money, you can usually see it comming.

So. ask them first.

[pnustedt]

My wife also sorts out this sort of thing. She'll sometimes ask my opinion tho' and I normally ask "what's in it for me?".

She has been lending money to a number of villagers and takes the deeds to their houses as security and then charges them an extortionate interest rate. I've asked her to stop doing this as I don't like the idea of her becoming a loan shark (her father was murdered by debtors).

Debts are rarely repaid in full.

[Ijustwannateach]

Always keep smiling. Making your voice in tones that are both soft-edged and yet somehow firm (?)

Hilarious, PB!

If the OP is talking about FARANG friends/family- well, if they're REALLY your friends they wouldn't put this kind of strain on your relationship unless:

1. it was absolutely necessary, or

2. you were really, really, really good friends...

I've had some bad "reverses" here in LOS and I occasionally found it necessary to ask for a little help from friends, but I never took it for granted and always made sure the money was replaced a month after at latest- debts to friends should always be cleared up as quickly as possible if you respect and want to keep your friends.

If it's Thai family (like the family of your bf/gf) that you're talking about- then yes, it's best to keep the controls on- you can follow the PB recipe . In many cases some level of support is required, but if you define this clearly at the beginning (what you are willing to give) and make it CLEAR that there can be no more- and then say no, no, no- you should be fine!

"Steven"

[Khutan]

She has been lending money to a number of villagers and takes the deeds to their houses as security and then charges them an extortionate interest rate

Is your wife ethnic Khmer like mine ?

[pnustedt]

Is your wife ethnic Khmer like mine ?

Yes

[Halo]

In one word. NO! In two words. #### OFF! In 3 words, GET A JOB! In 4 words, I HAVE NO MONEY! In 5 words, STOP ASKING ME FOR MONEY! In 6 words. STOP ####### ASKING ME FOR MONEY. In 7 words. I WONT TELL YOU AGAIN, #### OFF!. in 8 words, DO YOU THINK THAT I'M MADE OF MONEY? in 9 words WHAT IS IT WITH YOU? YOU MONEY GRABBING B######S? In 10 words, WHY DONT YOU ####### EAT MY #### AND DIE! LEECHES!

Sorry about that but just thought the answer would be easy. see 1 word. If they dont get the message then just work up the list till they do.

Anymore?

Jackstar has it, they want money go and work for it.

[mouse]

a new (or new-used) motorcycle for the older brother and a computer and camera for the younger one.

Let them finance it and make the payment for them, if you must. You are only engagaed, what if it does not work out?

[falong]

I have some concerns that if I want to spend some time in Thailand that eventually friends or future family will ask one way or another for money.  I wont have a great deal of money and dont want to lose it this way.

How do I turn people down and not cause them to lose face or me to be regarded any worse or worse still be subject to some physical attack !

Thanks for you experience and advice

Its quite simple. Just learn to lie as they will lie to you.

I have no spare cash as my money is tied up in blah,blah...... I have to pay taxes in my country this month blah blah. my sister is sick in UK .... sent her all my cash blahh blahh.... Use your imagination.. u gave all money to scamp to open a new restaurant..blah..blah...

piece of cake

[Heng]

My wife also sorts out this sort of thing. She'll sometimes ask my opinion tho' and I normally ask "what's in it for me?".

She has been lending money to a number of villagers and takes the deeds to their houses as security and then charges them an extortionate interest rate. I've asked her to stop doing this as I don't like the idea of her becoming a loan shark (her father was murdered by debtors).

Debts are rarely repaid in full.

In my experience, debts are usually paid several times the original principal, especially if it's a case where the collateral needs to be seized (which, contrary to belief is done 99.7% of the time amicably).

The key is to be firm but polite (and to have the power of attorney forms to transfer property signed the same day the loan agreement is signed), not outright insulting to the debtor. Just because they are debtors doesn't mean you can walk or spit on them. It's really not the dangerous business Hollywood makes it out to be.

[loong]

Just like to add that Thai society seems to be based on borrowing. Ie the better off lending to the worse off.

Don't think that you are being singled out because you are a farang, it is just that you are perceived as being well off.

Thais will borrow from anyone that they think has more money than them, Thai or Farang. Also if they think that the lender does not really need the money, they will not expect to have to repay it.

My gf 's brother is a case in point. He has a good job and income (for Thailand). His wife has a good job and income. His wife's sister and her husband have very low incomes. Who has the better house? Who's house is full of nicer things?

Amazingly, my gf's brother and wife have subsidised them to such an extent that the poorer couple have a better standard of life..

Ridiculous huh!

[Spee]

You are only engagaed, what if it does not work out?

I've already thought about and accepted the financial risk of that possibility. For me, though I'm not wealthy, the money is a secondary issue.

The key is making her and her immediate family understand that keeping things on a budget and schedule is important.

The emotional risk is something else entirely. This level of emotional risk is new ground for me. The key to our relationship is trust and love and I have to go forward on that basis.

[otherstuff1957]

My wife's least favorite neice recently asked for a loan to start up a coffee shop. My wife translated her reply as "F### Off". Well, she lived in Australia for a couple of years and so her English occasionally has some rough edges.

On the other hand, we're helping another niece go to University now. I'm just trying to limit the Farang Relative Scholarship to one person at a time.