Computer Nut

[Chris Lawrence]

Warning: For those that are easily offended, last line contains some language:

This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for 'Termination without Cause'.

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator: Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?

Caller: Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.

Operator: What sort of trouble??

Caller: Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.

Operator: Went away?

Caller: They disappeared.

Operator: Hmm So what does your screen look like now?

Caller: Nothing.

Operator: Nothing??

Caller: It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.

Operator: Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??

Caller: How do I tell?

Operator: Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??

Caller: What's a sea-prompt?

Operator: Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?

Caller: There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type.

Operator: Does your monitor have a power indicator??

Caller: What's a monitor?

Operator: It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??

Caller: I don't know.

Operator: Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??

Caller: Yes, I think so.

Operator: Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.

Caller: Yes, it is.

Operator: When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??

Caller: No.

Operator: Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.

Caller: Okay, here it is.

Operator: Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.

Caller: I can't reach.

Operator: Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??

Caller: No.

Operator: Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??'

Caller: Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark.

Operator: Dark??

Caller: Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.

Operator: Well, turn on the office light then.

Caller: I can't.

Operator: No? Why not??

Caller: Because there's a power failure.

Operator: A power........ A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??'

Caller: Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.

Operator: Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.'

Caller: Really? Is it that bad?

Operator: Yes, I'm afraid it is.

Caller: Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??

Operator: Tell them you're too f**---**ing stupid to own a computer!!!!!'*