Going To Bkk, First Time And Meeting The Parents, Advice?

[shikonjewel]

This may get a little long, but please bear with me. I have read a few of the topics and concerns of other western girls dating their Thai boyfriends and quite frankly I am terrified now lol.

I am a Canadian and I met my boyfriend when he came and studied at my highschool. Now I am in my second year of University, Arts degree, and he is in his third year Buisiness major. We have known each other for five years and been together for four. He comes with a fairly well off family, as I assume most Thai international students must be. He stays quite often at my house (much to his fathers surprise the first time that my dad didn't kick him out even though we are in different rooms lol) and his family has called here a few times looking for him, I've sort of talked to his mother, but the language barrier makes it a little hard. This year we have shared an apartment together. This was challenging for us both and we've gotten over that now haha. And this summer I asked him if I could come home with him to meet his family and he said yes.

When he asked his parents, there were two different reactions. His mother seemed excited and said "Yes, bring her." While his dad said "Can't she come next year, I am not ready to welcome her yet." I was a little dissapointed and wasn't sure what he meant but my bf asked again and apparently it's okay to go and stay with them. I'll be going for a month. I guess he thinks it's because his father will be away most of the time as he owns factories and buissiness in the south and he wouldn't be able to "welcome me properly".

I really want to make a good impression with them. I'm not sure how to do this though. I understand that he and his mother have issues sometimes and tend to not get along, while he respects his father completely. His parents have also had marital issues. His older brother seems quite nice and would also like to meet me. I plan to bring a gift to them from Canada in respect to my culture. And my Japanese professor, who lived in Thailand for a time suggested on days out and things sometime in between my stay to maybe bring a fruit-basket to show my appreciation for staying there. Also to dress conservatively.

I try to ask my bf repeatedly about how/what I should act/wear/bring to impress his mother, but he says to not worry about it. I'm a little worried as I come from a middle class family here in Canada and reading in the forum I see some girls have had troubles with status. Also not only would this be my first time out of Canada but also on a plane! I've been preparing for this for a long time, but it's nerve racking for my family because I'll be so far away and his.

I was also wondering if some ladies had some advice for a girl travelling to Thailand about what to watch out for. My heritage is irish-descent and I have VERY fair pale skin, blue eyes/dark hair. I know pale skin is considered attractive there (my bf flashed around my pic to his friends and apparently said he felt more popular one time lol), I don't really want to draw alot of attn to myself really, espeacially if we check out the night life and go dancing. I do have alot of longer cute knee length skirts and things that I think is suppose to be acceptable.

Thanks so much for your time and all advice is greatly appreciated!

[RueFang]

Hi Shikonjewel, welcome to the forum and welcome to the life of Thai mother-in-laws!! Since you are only coming to visit them and not to live here at this stage, I really wouldn't worry too much about things. As long as you are respectful (wai when you meet them the first time and when you leave, but don't overkill the wai-ing!) and don't wear hot pants and skimpy tops, you'll be more then ok Meeting the in-laws in any culture for the first time can be intimidating for anyone, but with lots of smiles you can't go wrong. The idea of bringing home fruit is a good suggestion..it doesn't need to be a fancy fruit basket, just a bag of fruit goes a long way too Because you are a guest in their home, I imagine they will go out of their way to make you feel comfortable, so don't worry!

Where do they live? If you're in Bangkok you'll have no problems as there are lots of expat white girls walking around but if you're upcountry away from tourist areas, you'll be stared at constantly and touched by all the little old ladies in town. You've absolutely nothing to worry about though... good luck!

[sbk]

Welcome to the forum and good luck to you!

Now for the advice part

No spaghetti straps, if you must wear a tank top then make sure it has very wide straps. Nothing lowcut, nothing revealing. Nothing overtly sexy, think school librarian .

Now, before I get stick for this, let me make this clear: I am perfectly aware that Thai girls wear these kinds of clothes but 1. I sincerely doubt they would wear it to meet their very serious bf's wealthy parents and 2. best to make as good a first impression as possible.

Learn to wai, make sure to wai both his parents when meeting them the first time. mid-face --nose height would be good. Since mom sounds excited, that says to me they don't mind him dating a farang. First big hurdle overcome! As for dad, well could be he just doesn't have the time right now, could be its tough to see his son getting serious about someone. Perhaps he fears his son won't come back to run the business, who knows. But, never mind that, IME, the dad is easier to win over for a girl than the mom.

Gifts from home, always an excellent idea, be sure to bring something uniquely Canadian (maple syrup for instance) --my inlaws really like the dried fruit as well (apricots, cherries etc, but obviously not dried tropical fruits).

[shikonjewel]

Gifts from home, always an excellent idea, be sure to bring something uniquely Canadian (maple syrup for instance) --my inlaws really like the dried fruit as well (apricots, cherries etc, but obviously not dried tropical fruits).

Thanks for the advice. It does make me feel a little better.

His mother also sent a gift to my mother last time he came back here. It was a really nice wallet that she really likes and she wanted to give her something also in return. Would you, or anyone else have any suggestions as to what may be good gift ideas for Thai women or Mothers of your bf/fiance/husband?

[sbk]

Gifts from home, always an excellent idea, be sure to bring something uniquely Canadian (maple syrup for instance) --my inlaws really like the dried fruit as well (apricots, cherries etc, but obviously not dried tropical fruits).

Thanks for the advice. It does make me feel a little better.

His mother also sent a gift to my mother last time he came back here. It was a really nice wallet that she really likes and she wanted to give her something also in return. Would you, or anyone else have any suggestions as to what may be good gift ideas for Thai women or Mothers of your bf/fiance/husband?

That is an excellent sign, IMO. It shows a concern and respect for you and your family.

I would want to take her something special as this is the first time you'll be meeting her, I do the dried fruit thing for my inlaws but I've known them for ages and they don't expect extravagant gifts every time I go home.

As for suggestions, tough one. I know your boyfriend will tell you "don't worry about it, just bring yourself" or some such usual male nonsense, but it is important. Let me think on it for awhile. Anybody else have any good suggestions since my mind is drawing a blank?

[bina]

perfumes; cordials (if they are middle /upper then good whiskey/cordial/sweet dessert wine might do it; some expensive type face creams (not pharmacy style, think: body shop or laline facial sets); maple syrup candies (u know , maple leaves and such-- didnt work on my issaan husband but he doesnt appreciate non functional gifts)...

a canadian symbol tie for dad (if he runs companies than he probably wears suits); a picture in a fancy picture frame for mom....

apples (an expensive commodity in thailand)...

[hp8000]

Run away. 55555

And I'm not bashing.

[shikonjewel]

Run away. 55555

And I'm not bashing.

Aww, why do you say that?

[sbk]

Cause he's got nothing better to say. Never mind him.

Shall we get back to the subject at hand and ignore those who enjoy trolling the ladies forum?

[shikonjewel]

Cause he's got nothing better to say. Never mind him.

Shall we get back to the subject at hand and ignore those who enjoy trolling the ladies forum?

Yeah, thanks for all your help so far sbk, I'm so nervous about it. More so because I haven't been outside the country before and it worries my own parents. But I think this is something my relationship needs. He's already made efforts to stay and study here with me and I have yet to meet his family, I just don't want to be unprepared.

For a whole family kind of gift I'm thinking of deffinately bringing some maple syrup, dried fruit as you suggested, and apples sounded like a good idea aswell although I wonder if I would have difficulties at the border though here trying to take it out. I live in Atlantic lobster and the airport here sells them alive for you to take with on your travels. I thought about that but I wonder if my trip would be too long for it and it could end up dying and turning bad in the heat. lol

Wine is something my mother knows quite a bit about and is a good suggestion, I'm just not sure if it would be good for his parents. I'm pretty sure my bf told me his father doesn't drink often, but I could suggest it and see what he thinks (he never said about his mom).

Perfume might be a good idea for mom. I'm not sure though, to me buying such gifts as scents and facial products seems a little too personal. But maybe a nice spa cream would be good. I'll think on that.

Should I consider older brother too?

Edited April 15, 2008 by shikonjewel

[mssabai]

My biggest bit of advice to give aside from what's already been given is smile smile smile! Your in laws will be very anxious that you feel comfortable. Even if you understand nothing that is going on around you, or you are hot or tired or hungry, do try to to smile through it and give your boyfriend a nudge so that he knows maybe there is something up. You will be paraded round the family and people will be talking openly about your looks in front of you (though you probably won't understand), they are not being rude though, just curious. Take as much interest in them as they do in you. Play with any kids around - I find they can often be a welcome release to the intensity of family gatherings as you don't need to know the language to communicate with them.

Learn a bit about Thai culture in advance. Don't touch the top of anyone's head (children OK though), don't sit with your feet pointing at anyone, particularly older people or buddha images. You may find that people in his family don't always follow all the rules that you will read about but it is always safest as a foreigner to adhere as strictly as possible to avoid offense.

I am sure you will have a blast! Maybe agree a safe word with you boy so that he can whisk you away somewhere quiet if it all gets a bit much. You will experience some culture shock I would think as you are going straight into Thai life, but just try and enjoy it!

[donna]

shikonjewel, you should also bear in mind that bangkok is a big metropolitan city that has a very cosmopolitan side to it. there are funky cafes, trendy bars and stunning restaurants, all coupled with decrepit buildings, beggars and insane traffic. probably not much different to home to be honest.

you will be safe in bangkok and in thailand - especially as your fella sounds like a gem and he wouldnt let any harm come to you. his family sounds as though they have already accepted you in many ways and this is a big advantage to you. just be yourself. if you are feeling overwhelmed, be honest about it. his family sound as if they are well educated and they will be able to understand where you are coming from.

if they are from the upper end of society, they may appreciate a nice bottle of wine from home. doesnt sound like they are into anything too tacky so the tie idea sounds good for dad but mum may need some more thought.

[RueFang]

For a whole family kind of gift I'm thinking of deffinately bringing some maple syrup, dried fruit as you suggested, and apples sounded like a good idea aswell although I wonder if I would have difficulties at the border though here trying to take it out. I live in Atlantic lobster and the airport here sells them alive for you to take with on your travels. I thought about that but I wonder if my trip would be too long for it and it could end up dying and turning bad in the heat. lol

Wine is something my mother knows quite a bit about and is a good suggestion, I'm just not sure if it would be good for his parents. I'm pretty sure my bf told me his father doesn't drink often, but I could suggest it and see what he thinks (he never said about his mom).

Perfume might be a good idea for mom. I'm not sure though, to me buying such gifts as scents and facial products seems a little too personal. But maybe a nice spa cream would be good. I'll think on that.

Should I consider older brother too?

I wouldn't bring fresh fruit or live animals into the country They are widely available to purchase here! Every time I come back from Australia, I bring a couple of kgs of macadamia nuts back as they are native to oz and most importantly can be shared among the masses. Always goes down a treat with everyone. Assorted chocolate packs from your country would probably be popular and are easy to share.

I totally agree about perfume and facial products being a personal choice as you don't know if she will hate the smell, has allergies or sensitivities. Yes, you should give something to the brother too, but something general and non-personal (maybe a key-ring or chocolates!)

[mssabai]

Oooh, I am sure cookies would go down well but agree about fruit. You can get apples pretty cheap in tesco now.

Oh and one more thing - bring lots of photos...

[RueFang]

Yes photos! Great suggestion.. so they can see your family and where you live... great for conversation too!

[bina]

this isnt issaan up country folks,so i think spa lotions would go over well, and anyway, thai people never say anything when u give them gifts, (might not even open them in front of u) so they just say thank u and place the gifts on the side somewhere for later....

chocolates melt and sea food is all over thailand....

i was thinking gift apples like oregon does: big red apples specially packed for travel as gift (boutique style)...

dont hassle too much about the gifts; oh, depending on the brother's age and tastes, a cd or three of some canadian rock/roll/dance/rap/pop whatever, or some dvd movies that match the age ; some cologne (thais love sweet smelling stuff even the men so i end up giving female type scented sprays etc as gifts and i've noticed they are used)... ; westerners see this as personal gifts, they dont. (neither do israelis for that matter although i was shocked when previous mother in law gave me soap/deoderant set-- was that a hint? -- no, just considered as a 'gift set')...

thais that i know (not the hi/so group for sure but thai non the less) like dove brand, and nivea (up country goes over big);

also, bring some of your own fave music/reading/tuning out stuff for when 'thai overdose' hits; and use a 'code' word with bf signalling that u need some 'personal time'; thai are very social and may not ever leave u on your own if boyfriend goes some where leaving u alone... they may want to send someone with u if u want to wander around on your own (we always seemed to have a cousin /brother/best friend chaperoning me and/or my daughter)...

take into account that u will probably tire out more easily due to climate, and the stress of dealing with strange culture AND THE FAMILY... but thais understand 'sleep'... (the country's main hobby according to reports here on the board about thai surveys on free time activities) ;

bring some snacks from home that dont spoil (for yourself when u need some escapism food although u can buy stuff in the larger stores, its a pain to find stuff all the time, easier to bring some stuff with...)

go with no real expectations, curiousity and willingness to 'go with the flow' even if nothing goes according to plan/or time schedules will help u be less tense...

bring a good camera for all the photo oppurtunites;

photo copy all your documentation and leave with parents also address etc of bf's folks place... in thai (have your boyfriend write it up for them, u never know...)

leave room in suit case for presents u will be bringing back...

dont be shy about asking your boyfriend about using the bathroom (if its thai style/or western style and other neccessities ....

good idea to bring photo album/and map (where do u live, how far from new york bla bla bla, does it snow? etc etc)

perhaps a coffee table book of canada... even the issaan folks liked the one i brought about israel (camels/arabs/deserts etc)...

bring cheapy misc. gifts like key rings, baseball caps, canadian maple leaf pins etc for when visiting families, especially if there are lots of young kids... u dont need personal gifts for most, just 'stuff'... like for school age kids if there are cousins u will be visiting (hello kitty goes over well, school stuff, cds', hockey team insignias... whatever... its the novelties not the use in this case...

enjoy...

bina

israel

[RueFang]

also, bring some of your own fave music/reading/tuning out stuff for when 'thai overdose' hits; and use a 'code' word with bf signalling that u need some 'personal time'; thai are very social and may not ever leave u on your own if boyfriend goes some where leaving u alone...

So true...Thais don't know the meaning of alone, they will think you are sick or something is wrong with you if you need 'alone time'!! They'll not let you go anywhere on your own (and possibly one of the little cousins will escort you to the bathroom even!! ). It can be pretty overwhelming but as has been said, big big smiles all the time and everyone will love you!

[burman]

thais that i know (not the hi/so group for sure but thai non the less) like dove brand, and nivea (up country goes over big);

With no disrespect for Bina (and thinking about your BF's family socio eco class), Dove soap is pretty cheap in Bangkok and available anywhere, same as nivea products.

Bearing that in mind I would be wary of bringing over any 'branded' goods that you might think would be a real treat for them, and later find out that they wouldn't bother to buy themselves.

Not saying they will sneer at you in disgust, but you might be a bit embarrassed when you go their bathroom and see a stack of Dove and Nivea products.

To be on the safe side I would try to find presents that are typically Canadian and not easily available outside of Canada. When you are out shopping think about what you might bring to a similar meeting were your BF and his family from Europe. You might get a better result from it.

[isabelle17]

Great ideas! When I first came to Thailand as an exchange student, I brought hazelnuts with me and the host families and friends loved them! Any food that specifically comes from your country or area that you live in will be great (as long as it doesn't spoil of course.)

I am meeting my boyfriends family soon too...although they come from a more lower class family so I am thinking of giving them hazelnuts like I did the first time I went to Thailand (mmm chocolate covered hazelnuts are the best!) I think it's normal to be "freaked out" over meeting your boyfriend's family...you always want to make a good impression.

But just be yourself (and remember to smile!) I am sure you will have a great time (but make sure to have time to get away from the family too, for some relaxation time.)

[submaniac]

Hi Shikonjewel

Well it looks like you got everything under control here. I mean if you read through some other posts out there, it looks like everything is good to go, and his parents are actually looking forward to meeting with you! I just wanted to join in the chorus and throw out some gift advice. To follow up on Bina's advice on spa lotions, I think that would go over very well too. When my mom goes she usually goes to Bath & Bodyworks, and grabs whatevers there (and is on sale!) That usually goes over really good. Thai people are obsessed with stuff that they cannot get in Thailand, and spa lotions, make-up (at least for the ladies) from farangland seems to be really prized. It works out for my mom because she gets it from Bath & Bodyworks on sale, and it works out for the recipient because they think it is some good stuff. And with Bath & Bodyworks, you can be assured that you will not find it in the stores in Thailand.

[Virin]

Good advices from everyone , here is mine.

Avoid physical contacts of affection in public, holding hands in public is acceptable nowadays but for the first trip in Thailand meeting your bf's parents and relatives, I wouldn't recommend it. Everyone smiles and talks to you nicely while they are assessing your personality, attitudes, dressing, manners, etc. in their minds. It's not the bad thing, they love their son and want the best for him, if you are Thai or live in Thailand, they might have your background checked, which is normal in Thailand. Some relatives might ask you many questions, personal questions, be prepared, answer them nicely even though you are uncomfortable, do not forget to act naturally with smiles.

Do not stick to your bf all the time, join his family's activities, whatever you can do, offer to help before they ask. You mention his family is well-off, I guess they will observe how you spend money and your ability/knowledge related to their business. His family seems to welcome you, nothing to worry about, Thai parents and elders love well-mannered people .

[Virin]

Thai people are obsessed with stuff that they cannot get in Thailand, and spa lotions, make-up (at least for the ladies) from farangland seems to be really prized. It works out for my mom because she gets it from Bath & Bodyworks on sale, and it works out for the recipient because they think it is some good stuff. And with Bath & Bodyworks, you can be assured that you will not find it in the stores in Thailand.

My female friends think that the quality of these products in farangland are different from those produced in Thailand even though they are the same brand. My mom always uses Johnson baby lotion from US, she said it's better than the one in Thailand, my friend obsesses with Dove from farangland. Skincare products - cheaper than buying in Thailand. I like bedsheet and bath towel from US , for us - Thai women the word "on sale" is like magnet.

Edited April 15, 2008 by Virin

[sbk]

For us Farang women too, Virin

Good advice on the physical contact, as well as helping out. However, if they have cleaning staff etc, then I wouldn't necessarily pitch in to clean up the living room. Depends on how they live. Go with what looks right, be sure to let the bf know that you need pointers, and yeah, smile and answer the personal questions in a non-commital way. Its normal for Thai people (well, AFAIK, its pretty common right across Asia).

[Tinkelbell]

I see Shikonjewel is in good hand with all the good advises, especially from ' submaniac', bina, virin.

Yes, it's true the Thais are obsessed with the stuff that they can not find in Thailand.

Even nowaday, they might have all the same brand sold there, but they rather to buy same brand that 'Made in USA' . On their trip coming to the US, many Thai friends or members of my family would carry a long list of what to buy( their own friends or colleaque make up the list too) such as lipstic and foundation from Estee Lauder brand, moisturize face cream from Clinique brand...down to Tylenol..., can you believe that.

From that experience, so on my annual trip to Thailand, I would stock up all these stuffs (anythings that lebeled "Made in USA'), the gifts that I know they always treasure.

On my way to BKK, my usual gifts for Thai friends or family: cosmetic, small scarfs which are light and easy to pack, baseball caps with States logo, cigarette lighters ( seems like every Thai loves smoking), some native American Indian jewelry, picture frame from Hawaii, ice coffee mug from Las Vegas...mostly brought on my previous trip. I once even gave a native Indian leather pounch from Canada to my friend's daughter.

It's been a hit every time.

[shikonjewel]

Thanks so much you guys!

I've been going through my head different products available only in Canada. So far I've really been just considering food lol but I'm getting better at it. So far just thinking about Touristie type stuff (Atlantic Canada has a ton of stuff like small novelty light-houses, canadian emblems etc) and food (maple is actually flowing right now so I picked a god time of year to travel and bring some).

Most foods are very sweet though, and my bf personally hates any maple products besides maple syrup because they are so sweet (Sugar woods visits didn't go over well , he threw out a maple square which horrified me as such a waste since they can only be enjoyed once a year lol).

I was thinking about bringing red rose tea. This is a distinct product of Canada and from what I know British and Americans who travel here always bring tons back with them (I worked in a Grocery market for a time and they always asked for it) even some australians coming through have asked. I'm just not sure if this type of tea would meet the Thai's taste though as it's very much a English type of tea rather than an asian type of tea if you understand what I mean (Earl Grey, Orange Pecoe etc.) Although my bf likes it when my mother makes it so maybe I am thinking on it too much again.

I know his brother as well as my bf both smoke so I could get a nice zippo for him since I saw someone mention that. I imagine he would be like most boys my age and like basketball, music etc from N. America. I'm going to check out his online profile and see if I can find something good. As for mom I was thinking maybe something from the body shop, I usually buy from there because I know they don't test on animals and I know alot of girls like their products from here.

On a side note and speaking of lists I've started to gather one from family and friends on my side of the pond. lol My aunt asked me to look for silk and materials and maybe some elephant type ornaments (she LOVES elephants). My sister wants some clothes and stuff. My mother collects tea cups and dishes. Etc the list goes on hahaha.

Edited April 16, 2008 by shikonjewel

[sylviex]

Good suggestions here.

I like bina's gift suggestion of a coffee table book on Canada/your province/city. Even if they're a sophisticated family, they should enjoy it and it expresses your desire to build bridges. A Canadian art book might be nice. Also Canadian music or even films, if they can understand some English.

I also think small, distinctive, hand made -- Aboriginal or boutique -- items would be popular. As mentioned above, if it can't be found in BKK, it will carry all the more cachet and interest. Keep the gifts in the bags from the shop, if these are tasteful and special.

Any special Canadian preserved foods would most definitely be appreciated. Fruits and nuts are popular, and Canada must surely have some kinds of preserved fish products ( dried, smoked, relishes, sauces ...) ?

Edited April 16, 2008 by sylviex

[shikonjewel]

Good suggestions here.

I like bina's gift suggestion of a coffee table book on Canada/your province/city. Even if they're a sophisticated family, they should enjoy it and it expresses your desire to build bridges. A Canadian art book might be nice. Also Canadian music or even films, if they can understand some English.

I also think small, distinctive, hand made -- Aboriginal or boutique -- items would be popular. As mentioned above, if it can't be found in BKK, it will carry all the more cachet and interest. Keep the gifts in the bags from the shop, if these are tasteful and special.

Any special Canadian preserved foods would most definitely be appreciated. Fruits and nuts are popular, and Canada must surely have some kinds of preserved fish products ( dried, smoked, relishes, sauces ...) ?

Actually my mother and grandmother make a lot of jams, jellies, relishes, pickled beets etc themselves. That might be a good idea. Just that I'm not sure what I can get away with taking over there.

Don't want to get into any trouble at the airport.

[hammockwoman]

i wanted to add that the best way to take pictures is to make up a small photo album. make sure to include photos of all the people in your family, including grandparents, as well as pictures of your house, car, and other trappings of your life at home.

when i first moved to thailand, i found a very pretty small album... i must have shared that a hundred times, and the photos that drew the most interest were the ones of my dad with his big fancy scooter and a photo of me and a friend in new york with the world trade center in the background (this was in 2002-3). and in photos of family, i soon realized that seeing the furniture and house was really more interesting than seeing the people.

pictures really are worth a thousand words.

[sbk]

My nephew came to visit a few years ago and had packed some extra food to eat on the plane (he's a good sized guy ). A banana was left over. Used to the stringent rules when entering California, he approached the Customs guy on arrival in Bangkok and told him he had a banana. Customs guy looks at him with a blank look on his face and says "We have plenty of bananas here"

So, no don't worry about Customs, just walk through seperately from your boyfriend as they will likely go through his stuff with a fine tooth comb.

[sylviex]

My nephew came to visit a few years ago and had packed some extra food to eat on the plane (he's a good sized guy ). A banana was left over. Used to the stringent rules when entering California, he approached the Customs guy on arrival in Bangkok and told him he had a banana. Customs guy looks at him with a blank look on his face and says "We have plenty of bananas here"

Hilarious !!! In a number of ways !

Shikonjewel - I am certain they'd love the home-made preserves. Your boyfriend could help you select the ones they might like most, or the experienced posters here could, if you let us know the choices.

You could make a little hamper or basket of goodies from the preserves plus some other "made in Canada" novelties in small packages (Bath & Bodyworks products, cookies, confectionery, nuts etc.). Wrap it in red & white ribbons . They'd probably love those little "Canadian flag" badges many Candian tourists wear overseas, too, BTW.

Edited April 17, 2008 by sylviex