I'm A Farang Single Daddy In Thailand

[richard10365]

Hi,

Life has it's ups and downs due to the choices we make in life. In my situation, I have ended up a (part-time) single daddy living in Thailand. I also am a full time student at Payap University International College.

Being a parent with a partner to help you is great if that's your situation. However, if your alone the rules change slightly and you have to take different short-cuts than you would if you had a spouse to help you.

My son just turned 2 and he lives part-time with me and part-time with his grandparents. His grandparents and I are working on him being more full time with me so he can go to a better school. In the future, he will live with me (thats the plan) and only visit the grandparents.

When he is with me, we live alone and don't have anyone to help me raise him.

I just started taking care of him this way and it is not always fun. Sometimes it is difficult finding the right food for him to eat. I feel like I have been spending a lot of money on food he doesn't eat. I want him to eat, but he wants to go play. I decided not to cook to much at home so we eat out alot. While this is easy on me in terms of preparing a meal and cleaning up after, his crying does not make the dining experience pleasant for other diners.

I am not sure exactly how to control him when it comes to his crying fits. I usually just let him cry or give in to what he is wanting.

When I was a child, my parents used the belt alot. I really don't want to go that route. I prefer to take the time to reason with him. But at his age, he doesn't listen often. What do other parents, single or not, do in this situation?

[Goinghomesoon]

There is a single parents group run by BAMBI, they meet up for meals and also go on field trips and outings. There have been single fathers attend some functions. Check the website for details www.bambiweb.org

[richard10365]

There is a single parents group run by BAMBI, they meet up for meals and also go on field trips and outings. There have been single fathers attend some functions. Check the website for details www.bambiweb.org

Thanks for the tip Goinghomesoon. It's a nice website but it's for people in Bangkok. I didn't see any reference to Chiang Mai........which is where I live (sorry I didn't mention that).

There wasn't a lot of available information on that website that could help me.

Just curious what other single parents are doing.

[yeti]

Could you try getting a part time maid/nanny at home? At least she could help with the food...

[billd766]

Well I am a married parent and my son is nearly 4 now. I am English and his mother is Thai and we live together on about 10 rai of land near Khampaeng Phet. I am 63 and my wife is 42.

He is my second son, the first is now 30 living in the UK.

I have NEVER used a belt on either child and I NEVER would. I think that I only really smacked my first son about 3 times in 15 years and my second one I have never smacked. It doesn't solve the problem and will cause a lot more problems, both now and in the future. Now, because your son will believe that you don't love him and don't care, also your sons grandparents will find out and there could be problems along that road, and in the future when he gets bigger he may do the same to smaller children.

I can understand how frustrating children can be especially if he doesn't speak the same language as you do. My son eats at a different time to me mostly and now in the hot weather he doesn't always want to eat so I just let it go. When he is hungry he will eat.

Your child is only a small boy and at his age he really doesn't know what he wants except that he wants security and love and care.

If, as you say that money is not a problem for you then follow yetis' advice and get a part time nanny who can speak some English and Thai and you will find that will help a lot. It will also be easier for his grandparents as I am sure that they worry about a farang taking care of their grandson on his own.

Your son will grow out of it as he is going through the terrible twos which all children go through, followed by the equally terrible threes after which they settle down for a while until they turn into teenagers when the problems really start, but that is in quite a way into the future.

Persevere and in a while your son will change into a lovely boy. I know, both of mine did.

[Boo]

I would suggets not using sign langauge & gestures to communicate with your child as he will not learn to speak english, all babies & small children dont speak their parents langauge, my son is only 11 months & doesn't understand what I talk to him about but I still talk to him, all day, what I am doing, where we are going etc.

That is the only way he & your son will learn, by listening & by you repeating things. SO when meal times come, just tell him, "ok now, daddy is gonna make you a sandwich, I shall put some ham & cheese in it, does that sound nice?" say it in an upbeat voice, kids like that tone & respond positively to it. He wont really know what your on about but he will appriciate the attention you are giving him & eventually start to comprehend what you are doing if you explain your actions to him whilst you are doing it,

" ok, lets butter the bread, how baout I put some ham in here?, mmmm yummy, I love ham" . Point out the ham, "this is ham, do you like ham, can you say ham, ham, ham." It is all communication, even if you feel a bit stupid doing it, I catch myself talking like a muppet to my son sometimes but tbh, how the hel_l else will he know that that is a bus, that is a dog, "ohhh look at that green balloon" unless I & the people he is around show & teach him about everything & their names

I am sure thought hat youa re doing a great job, beinga single parent isn't easy but hopefuly you will find some freinds in a similar situation. Good luck.

[markwhite]

I just started taking care of him this way and it is not always fun.

I started with a newborn and I still don't find it fun sometimes. I find it a constant stream of new things to learn and old things to forget. I understand from friends that this continues for a long time. You've probably had to (naff phrase) hit the ground running.

Sometimes it is difficult finding the right food for him to eat. I feel like I have been spending a lot of money on food he doesn't eat. I want him to eat, but he wants to go play.

If he wants to play, let him play. When he's hungry, he will eat. Find out what he likes to eat. Give him a choice and learn. Let him lead you. It sounds like he knows best right now (no offence).

I am not sure exactly how to control him when it comes to his crying fits. I usually just let him cry or give in to what he is wanting.

The Aware Parenting approach works for me at times. Given that he's lost his mum and a recent change with how much his dad is present in his life, I'd say he's got a lot to be upset about and there's no great surprise if he's crying a lot.

[Alliecat]

Wow - first up. Big ups for being a positive person and continuing to try. Children are hard.

I second what Mark White has said

If he wants to play, let him play. When he's hungry, he will eat. Find out what he likes to eat. Give him a choice and learn. Let him lead you. It sounds like he knows best right now (no offence).

Children will not usually starve if they're hungry and the food is there for them. if he doesn't eat straight away put the food in the fridge until later. Also check what he eats with his grand parents, he may perhaps be feeling some form of culture shock regards the food when he comes to stay.

Let him lead you somewhat and try perhaps to eat together. Our two year old doesn't really enjoy eating by himself unless he's starving, otherwise he likes to share his food with us and expects the same in return. He also likes to 'feed' us. Not such a great experience but harmless.

Try not to give in to what ever he is wanting ( I know that is so much easier to say then action). Try removing him from the scene of the crime, distracting him, hugging him. It will start to ease off. We've found that our 2 yr old needs lots of physical exercise (as well as mental) to burn off all the energy he has. he sleeps better, eats better and is happier. This said we do have a part-time nanny who is great but it has taken a lot of trial and error to find a good nanny.

Above all breathe and give yourself lots of positive feedback, its not easy to do this solo. That and give him lots of cuddles, kisses and tickles.

Good luck!

[Alliecat]

A couple fo websites that might be of help (if you have time to scan through them )

http://www.vtnea.org/vtnea18.htm

It covers the different ages. helpful

http://familyfun.go.com/parenting/learn/ac...f123-05049.html

fun games, slightly younger but still relevant. Also the scroll bar on the right hand side will take you thru to other games

http://early-childhood-development.suite10...lls_in_toddlers

reasoning skills... if possible... : )

[richard10365]

Thanks everyone for all your comments. I have been busy with my son and unable to log on as much as possible.

I was with my son for 3 weeks but trying to keep everything jai yen with my ex's family I took him back to his grandparents yesterday. I am slowly trying to convince them to let him stay with me for school full time and take him to the grandparents during his vacations.

For now, I will drive the 3 hours to visit him every month. In November, I hope he will stay with me and start the 2nd semester of a school here in Chiang Mai.

I was able to take care of him pretty good. He does seem to have his crying fits when he wants something like a toy or something. When I don't give it to him he hits me....falls on the floor...and really throws a temper tantrum. I am hoping this is just because he is a baby and he will grow out of it when he is able to communicate better.

I never want to spank him. I was spanked a lot as a child and didn't like it. Until he is old enough to reason with me I will tolerate him being bad.

This really seems to build a different form of patience. I still think the experience is worth it.

[dr_Pat_Pong]

Thanks everyone for all your comments. I have been busy with my son and unable to log on as much as possible.

I was with my son for 3 weeks but trying to keep everything jai yen with my ex's family I took him back to his grandparents yesterday. I am slowly trying to convince them to let him stay with me for school full time and take him to the grandparents during his vacations.

For now, I will drive the 3 hours to visit him every month. In November, I hope he will stay with me and start the 2nd semester of a school here in Chiang Mai.

I was able to take care of him pretty good. He does seem to have his crying fits when he wants something like a toy or something. When I don't give it to him he hits me....falls on the floor...and really throws a temper tantrum. I am hoping this is just because he is a baby and he will grow out of it when he is able to communicate better.

I never want to spank him. I was spanked a lot as a child and didn't like it. Until he is old enough to reason with me I will tolerate him being bad.

This really seems to build a different form of patience. I still think the experience is worth it.

You have a great attitude Richard. Good luck.

[Daffietje]

Hello Richard,

I just red your story and I recognize some of the parts! I'm a single mother from 31 with a son of 1.5 yrs. I live hier in Chiang Mai for only 5 weeks and already had a hard time being full time with my son.

In Belgium, I had full time job, so I only saw my son in the mornings, evenings and the weekends, during the day he stayed with my mother.

Children of that age are feeling bored so easily, you can not play all day with him, pretending you're a 1.5 year old too? At least I can't!!

I found a nursery school here in Chiang Mai (Little Stars-bilingual), where the kids can go from their 1.5yrs. On monday it's my son his first 'school-day'. When I went there for information, my son was already playing with the other children and even didn't want to come home with me anymore. He really enjoyed to be surrounded with other children. Maybe this is a partly solution for you?

I know it's not easy to raise a child on your own, but don't lose your temper, try to be patient, follow your heart and don't think to much wether you're a good or a bad parent!! Don't worry to much if he's not eating a lot, I have the same problem with my son. Make sure he drinks enough, and he will eat when he feels like it!!

I wish you good luck and try to enjoy your child, even it's not always that easy...

[jaidee1]

Thanks everyone for all your comments. I have been busy with my son and unable to log on as much as possible.

I was with my son for 3 weeks but trying to keep everything jai yen with my ex's family I took him back to his grandparents yesterday. I am slowly trying to convince them to let him stay with me for school full time and take him to the grandparents during his vacations.

For now, I will drive the 3 hours to visit him every month. In November, I hope he will stay with me and start the 2nd semester of a school here in Chiang Mai.

I was able to take care of him pretty good. He does seem to have his crying fits when he wants something like a toy or something. When I don't give it to him he hits me....falls on the floor...and really throws a temper tantrum. I am hoping this is just because he is a baby and he will grow out of it when he is able to communicate better.

I never want to spank him. I was spanked a lot as a child and didn't like it. Until he is old enough to reason with me I will tolerate him being bad.

This really seems to build a different form of patience. I still think the experience is worth it.

Hi Richard, I have a daughter, 1 year & 9 months old & have looked after her on my own since she was 3 months old. I live in BKK.

My daughter is just starting to throw tantrums etc etc. She also is funny about eating sometimes. I just feed her when she wants it.

It is hard sometimes, but I am happier that she is with me as compared to her mother. I know that with me she is safe & well (I hope) looked after.

[samran]

Thanks everyone for all your comments. I have been busy with my son and unable to log on as much as possible.

I was with my son for 3 weeks but trying to keep everything jai yen with my ex's family I took him back to his grandparents yesterday. I am slowly trying to convince them to let him stay with me for school full time and take him to the grandparents during his vacations.

For now, I will drive the 3 hours to visit him every month. In November, I hope he will stay with me and start the 2nd semester of a school here in Chiang Mai.

I was able to take care of him pretty good. He does seem to have his crying fits when he wants something like a toy or something. When I don't give it to him he hits me....falls on the floor...and really throws a temper tantrum. I am hoping this is just because he is a baby and he will grow out of it when he is able to communicate better.

I never want to spank him. I was spanked a lot as a child and didn't like it. Until he is old enough to reason with me I will tolerate him being bad.

This really seems to build a different form of patience. I still think the experience is worth it.

Hi Richard, I have a daughter, 1 year & 9 months old & have looked after her on my own since she was 3 months old. I live in BKK.

My daughter is just starting to throw tantrums etc etc. She also is funny about eating sometimes. I just feed her when she wants it.

It is hard sometimes, but I am happier that she is with me as compared to her mother. I know that with me she is safe & well (I hope) looked after.

haha the terrible two's!

Our daughter started doing all of this a few months back. They are just testing their boundries. Fun and difficult all at the same time...

[Alliecat]

A psychologist (sp?) friend of mine told me that toddlers, when they hit the age of two, have more testosterone in their bodies then when they are teenagers. All that and unable to communicate effectively. I try to keep that in mind when mine is throwing himself on the ground in dramatic disbelief at the cruelty of the world, his parents, his toys etc...

[Zappadappa]

Thanks everyone for all your comments. I have been busy with my son and unable to log on as much as possible.

I was with my son for 3 weeks but trying to keep everything jai yen with my ex's family I took him back to his grandparents yesterday. I am slowly trying to convince them to let him stay with me for school full time and take him to the grandparents during his vacations.

For now, I will drive the 3 hours to visit him every month. In November, I hope he will stay with me and start the 2nd semester of a school here in Chiang Mai.

I was able to take care of him pretty good. He does seem to have his crying fits when he wants something like a toy or something. When I don't give it to him he hits me....falls on the floor...and really throws a temper tantrum. I am hoping this is just because he is a baby and he will grow out of it when he is able to communicate better.

I never want to spank him. I was spanked a lot as a child and didn't like it. Until he is old enough to reason with me I will tolerate him being bad.

This really seems to build a different form of patience. I still think the experience is worth it.

Good for you for not spanking your child, I never hit mine and had no problems with discipline, a stern no and a disapproving face was enough to deter them.

But when your child is two they have much to learn and want to explore this fascinating world their way, the tag "terrible two's" is well earned. When they begin to comprehend that there is danger out there they begin to listen to you more and if you have set up clear rules of can and cant do (and dont break those rules yourself) then the child will naturally behave and follow the rules.

Never confuse a child by allowing certain behaviour one day (because your feeling ok and dont mind them misbehaving today) and then punish them the next day for the same behaviour. Nothing turns a kid into a monster faster than confusing them with grey boundaries of allowable behaviour.

As for other issues that you might endure as a single parent all I can say is perhaps find some solace in the fact that there are millions of single parents around the world with the same financial, social, physical and psychological hardships as you have.

No book or advice could ever completely satisfy your queries due to the unique nature of every situation, just be strong and dedicated to your child, be fair, be consistent, be honest, set a good example and the benefits you will enjoy in return will be unmatched by anything else on Earth.

[jing jing]

Hi,

Life has it's ups and downs due to the choices we make in life. In my situation, I have ended up a (part-time) single daddy living in Thailand. I also am a full time student at Payap University International College.

Being a parent with a partner to help you is great if that's your situation. However, if your alone the rules change slightly and you have to take different short-cuts than you would if you had a spouse to help you.

My son just turned 2 and he lives part-time with me and part-time with his grandparents. His grandparents and I are working on him being more full time with me so he can go to a better school. In the future, he will live with me (thats the plan) and only visit the grandparents.

When he is with me, we live alone and don't have anyone to help me raise him.

I just started taking care of him this way and it is not always fun. Sometimes it is difficult finding the right food for him to eat. I feel like I have been spending a lot of money on food he doesn't eat. I want him to eat, but he wants to go play. I decided not to cook to much at home so we eat out alot. While this is easy on me in terms of preparing a meal and cleaning up after, his crying does not make the dining experience pleasant for other diners.

I am not sure exactly how to control him when it comes to his crying fits. I usually just let him cry or give in to what he is wanting.

When I was a child, my parents used the belt alot. I really don't want to go that route. I prefer to take the time to reason with him. But at his age, he doesn't listen often. What do other parents, single or not, do in this situation?

Hi Richard,

Enjoyed reading your post, and I feel your pain, brother -- really I do.

I've got 2 boys, ages 2 1/2 and 1. I'm not a single parent but sometimes my ideas on how things ought to be are very different from their mum's (and her mum's as well for that matter). This can lead to some serious stress that, believe it or not, you may be fortunate not to have to deal with quite as much. I know that may be of little consolation when you're by yourself with your hands full of rebellious little boy but honestly, it sounds like you're dealing with all the same issues that I and many other parents see on a daily basis.

With regard to eating, I've found that my older boy is a fussy eater who will refuse anything but a bottle one day and then eat everything you put in front of him the next. I just try to make sure food is always available -- khao pad gai is usually good for at least a few spoonfulls and keeps well in a to-go box, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches or strawberry yoghurt were reliable favorites for awhile but have fallen out of favor recently, fresh fried chicken legs or wings or (the horror!) even KFC sometimes are deemed worthy of consumption, fish of various different flavors have been known to go down the hatch, hot dogs may be of some interest, etc., etc.

Hitting is a controversial subject... I reckon it depends on how far your child wants to push the bad behavior. Before I had children I swore I'd never hit a kid of mine but there have been a few occasions where a smack or two on the rear end was sorely needed, if you'll pardon the pun. It's really only to get his attention and not enough to do more than sting for a couple of seconds. At this point a serious glare usually has the desired effect.

The crying in public part, without question, is no fun at all. My older boy has an eardrum shattering scream he likes to unleash at the most embarrassing possible moments, timed and executed perfectly so that every human being within earshot (at least a one mile radius) gets the message that his parents are totally unable to exercise even the tiniest bit of control over him.

Ah yes... the joys of parenthood.