Fine For Breaking Engagement?

[akatrain]

The first time I visited Thailand, I arrived not knowing anything about the culture and like alot of guys that visit, I ended up with a thai girlfriend. We enjoyed eachothers company for a few weeks and then I returned to the US. We kept in contact via email and phone calls until I returned later that year.

When I returned that year, she asked if I would return to her village with her and meet her family and off we went. When I arrived the family had a party and everyone was asking if I loved her. I tried to explain that I had feelings for her and but it would take a while to grow to love. I was wasting my breath because most of them spoke very little english.

The next day there was another party and everyone was tying strings around me and my girlfriends arms. I thought it was for luck or well wishes. When I returned to koh samui for a weekend, a friend of mine saw the strings and asked if I was getting married and I said no. She explained to me that these string meant I was engaged.

I spoke to my girlfriend about this and told her I was not ready for this. She told me that she would be looked down upon and talked about for bringing me there and then I leave her. I went along with it for the two months I was in thailand.

When I returned home I realized that I was just trying to make everyone happy but me. She is a good girl and I really like her family. She just isnt the one for me. I would like to still be friends with her and her family. They treated me well.

I told my bestfriend who is hmong american about my situation and he explained to me that hmong and thai culture is similar in the fact that the man pays a dowry to the parents of the bride and that she would be looked down upon if I left her. He told me that in his culture if an engagement is broken, whoever broke it has to pay a fine to the parents in front of the people that were at the engagement.

I am willing to do this if it will make everything ok. I dont want to return to LoS and run into her family and here how I disgraced her or any worse things. I just wondered if there is such a thing as a fine for breaking an engagement in thailand.

Thanks

Atrain.

[Boo]

My thai husband from Khon kaen has explained that unless you sat down with her parents before this ceromony & agreed a sin sot then you are not liable to pay anything to her for breaking your engagement. (That never existed) Had you gone through this process (of sitting & agreeing with the family) then you wouldlose whatever you pledged to them as sin sot, like jewellery or land/money plus the woman you dumped could ask for another amount of her choiuce for you wasting her time.

But in this situation, it seems the girl & her family have made a huge assumption & as you were not aware of what was going on then you don't need to worry about paying anything.

He also explained that if the family tried to make problems for you you could get a lawyer involved & actually sue them for trying to force you into an engagment & marraige without your consent

Now, if you wanted to give the girl something to save her face then thats a whole different senario but as you asked for actual customs, thats what I have given you, from the mouth of a thai man

[Lickey]

Hi akatrain, in the part of Thai i live it is purely a good luck gesture, nothing more, house parties, weddings, we always have these old ladies tyiny string round our wrists, white or yellow.

We live near Udon Thani in NW issan, other areas could be different but mrs dosent think so.

Dont worry, Cheers, Lickey.

[Krub]

I would go along with Lickey.

Strings tying is very common for good luck but is not only associated with engagement or marriage although it is also performed at that time.

It looks however that 2 big parties for your first time visit to the family was overdoing it on their part.

[blue eyes]

akatrin,I would just walk but first tell her that you really did not understand Thai culture.You thought it was normal to go and visit a rural village with someone that asked you to, because it is something that you have never done.The parties where great but you had no idea that they had anything to do with getting married and have no real interest in marrying her.

Do not let her "push" you into it with the story that she lose much face and all that.It is probably true that she will,but remember you had no idea about Thai culture and she knew that!!She sounds to me like she is after her lottery ticket as many Thai woman say.You owe her or her family nothing.

Forget everything I said if you want to marry her and send her money every month until she can change your mind to marry her.

[Jandajoy]

Walk away

[Jandajoy]

Run away

[sweetchariot]

Walk away

Run away

Jandajoy speaks sense!

I have been to g/f's villages many times, and have always got the strings. It means nothing normally other than a good luck gesture from the parents (and sometimes extended family).

I think she might be trying to pull a fast one mate, listen to the above advice, and don't look back.

[Bagwan]

Why not send her a letter purporting to come from a close relative stating that you regret having to inform her that you have been killed in a road accident? This saves her face and she probably receiving a great deal of sympathy. If lying is part of the Thai way of life, use it to your advantage.

[rockyysdt]

Hi Atrain.

This is one of the consequences of living with someone as man and wife.

Inevitably one, or both fall in love.

The correct thing to have said early on is,

"I like you very much, I enjoy your company, I have a great time sharing my holidays with you and I enjoy making love to you, but I am not in love with you. Do you still want to spend time with me?".

Most of us don't do this and things escalate.

The problem with spending initimate time with a girl is that she will receive mixed messages and she may fall in love.

Don't worry about the "string tying" ceromony.

There are no legal ties.

[ronthompson]

String tying is for luck do not worry about it.

If you do not want her for a g/f so be it.

Do not allow something like your "PROBLEM?" to keep you away from LOS. Come back soon still many wonderful women and a few not so wonderful but it a wonderful place to live.

[Briggsy]

Best policy for you here is to pay a $5,000 fine. Actually as you are a farang, $10,000 is a more appropriate figure. The family are clearly very important and you have made them lose face. This is a terrible sin in Thai culture and far more important than money. The payment of money is simply to show that you were in fact in the wrong. Reviewing my earlier statement, perhaps $20,000 would be nearer a truer figure. You should pay this immediately in cash and do not ask for a receipt as this would involve more loss of face. If you do not do this the girl's poor family will never show their face in public again.

No, I've discussed this issue with some very important Thais and the figure of $40,000 is the correct amount.

[hanibal7]

if you get hassle have reconstructive surgery,its quite cheap here lol.

[Amsterdam]

Thailand is a great place to live but you need to learn to take a step back and walk away no need to get upset about things like this. Every little thing will end up bugging you. I hope you do come back and experience more of Thailand as It is a great country to live/visit.

[ronthompson]

IMHO u did nothing that requires u to pay any fees, fine and or monies of any type.

[Asia4Play]

Unless you signed something, you owe them nothing. Run away from these people, they are just out to take money from you.

Edited May 31, 2008 by Asia4Play

[toptuan]

Best policy for you here is to pay a $5,000 fine. Actually as you are a farang, $10,000 is a more appropriate figure. The family are clearly very important and you have made them lose face. This is a terrible sin in Thai culture and far more important than money. The payment of money is simply to show that you were in fact in the wrong. Reviewing my earlier statement, perhaps $20,000 would be nearer a truer figure. You should pay this immediately in cash and do not ask for a receipt as this would involve more loss of face. If you do not do this the girl's poor family will never show their face in public again.

No, I've discussed this issue with some very important Thais and the figure of $40,000 is the correct amount.

And you can PM me for the bank account number for the convenient ATM transfer.

This method would enable you to avoid seeing the family (or her) face to face, thus helping them to save face and spare you an uncomfortable experience...

Edited May 31, 2008 by toptuan

[Boo]

As I read it, the girl or family has not asked for any money, she did assume they were more serious than he thought they were thus taking him home to meet her kin but it is the op's friend who has told him some money should be paid. All that has happened so far is the guy is asking what is protocol in this situation & as me & others have said, nothing is owed.

[jay-uk]

don't take this all too seriously. like many posters have said the string is offerred for good luck more often than not and you are certainly under no obligation to follow through an engagement or worse case get married. take it with a pinch of salt and enjoy your time with your partner. let things happen naturally over a greater period of time and don't rush into anything. the best relationships come with time in any culture when both parties know each other well and then start to trust. however, if you strongly feel that you were misled in someway by your girl then let her know and move on. plenty more fish in the sea and plenty more string where that came from.......

Edited May 31, 2008 by jay-uk

[deckape]

IMHO u did nothing that requires u to pay any fees, fine and or monies of any type.

Newbie question- what's "imho"

[Macclad]

IMHO u did nothing that requires u to pay any fees, fine and or monies of any type.

Newbie question- what's "imho"

IMHO = In my honest opinion

Nothing to worry about with the string trying.Also you dont want to be stuck with someone you dont really love.....that will create far more problems in the future.

Just put it down to experience.Come to Thailand again and enjoy yourself.Plenty of nice pretty ladies about.Just take your time.

[Macclad]

IMHO u did nothing that requires u to pay any fees, fine and or monies of any type.

Newbie question- what's "imho"

IMHO = In my honest opinion

Nothing to worry about with the string trying.Also you dont want to be stuck with someone you dont really love.....that will create far more problems in the future.

Just put it down to experience.Come to Thailand again and enjoy yourself.Plenty of nice pretty ladies about.Just take your time.

[Macclad]

Sorry for double post.....computer playing up....not me,honest !

[akatrain]

Thanks to everyone on this site for your information. Boo, thankyou for giving me info from an actual thai. I feel a lot better knowing this. I will let her know that it is not going to work out but I would love to be friends with her and her family. we will see how it goes. I will definitely not let this situation keep me away from the LoS. Hopefully I will be back in a few months. Thanks to all the jokesters also. What was that bank account number lol ?

Atrain.

[mikethevigoman]

More like a bar fine id say !

[Shotime]

I haven't really followed this, but, yes, it's fine to break the engagement.

[MISTERBONK]

An engagement is an agreement between 2 parties. This clearly was not.

"Strings" are all part of local culture and tradition, but are of no relevance to farangs. We just go along with it and play their games to show willing without having any idea of their relevance. Whatever the parents and family thought it to be, it definitely was not in the Op's eyes.

Just tell the girl you are not prepared to go further and both carry on with your lives. To hel_l with face!

Who knows how many foreigners she had taken to the village before you. Where I live 1 bar girl brings a new farang back to meet the family (strings and all) several times a year.

[akatrain]

She was not a bar girl. She was still a stundent and was only 18 when I first met her. One of my problems is our age difference. We are on total different wave links mentally.

[MISTERBONK]

She was not a bar girl. She was still a stundent and was only 18 when I first met her. One of my problems is our age difference. We are on total different wave links mentally.

Apologies aka for any offence caused -not intended. I was generalising.

Even if you were of similar ages, it is highly likely you would always be on different mental wavelengths, regardless of the fact that she is/will be better educated than most

[jay-uk]

whether a bar girl, student or combination of both it reads now that you have answered you own questions about the relationship.

"One of my problems is our age difference. We are on total different wave links mentally"

If this is how you feel so early on then my advice would be to find another girl that ticks all your boxes. This one has obviously not got what it takes to pull your heart strings so little or no point wasting any more time on/with her. You know when a relationship is right for you and when you do meet the right girl you will not be taking any advice from anyone on here it will be to hel_l with any everyone......