Emo Phillips Jokes.

[penzman]

The Wisdom Of Emo Phillips

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said "Stop! don't do it!" "Why shouldn't I?" he said. I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!" He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well...are you religious or atheist?" He said, "Religious." I said, "Me too! Are you christian or buddhist?" He said, "Christian." I said, "Me too! Are you catholic or protestant?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me too! Are you episcopalian or baptist?" He said, "Baptist!" I said,"Wow! Me too! Are you baptist church of god or baptist church of the lord?" He said, "Baptist church of god!" I said, "Me too! Are you original baptist church of god, or are you reformed baptist church of god?" He said,"Reformed Baptist church of god!" I said, "Me too! Are you reformed baptist church of god, reformation of 1879, or reformed baptist church of god, reformation of 1915?" He said, "Reformed baptist church of god, reformation of 1915!" I said, "Die, heretic scum", and pushed him off. -- Emo Phillips

...and always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said "A truck!" -- Emo Phillips

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well." -- Emo Phillips

The toughest time...in anyone's life...is when you have to kill a loved one just because they're the devil. -- Emo Phillips

I ran three miles today, finally I said "lady take your purse." -- Emo Phillips

I'm a great lover, I'll bet. -- Emo Phillips

People come up to me and say, "Emo, do people really come up to you?" -- Emo Phillips

People come up to me and they're worried...that I'll reproduce. -- Emo Phillips

Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps. -- Emo Phillips

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy. -- Emo Phillips

I was walking down the street, something caught my eye...and dragged it fifteen feet. -- Emo Phillips

I went into Gus's artificial organ and taco stand. I said "Give me a bladder por favor." The guy said "Is that to go?" I said, "Well what else would I want it for?" -- Emo Phillips

You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers...###### anthropologists. -- Emo Phillips

I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky---but there wasn't any gum under any of them. -- Emo Phillips

The other day a woman came up to me and said, "Didn't I see you on television?" I said, "I don't know. You can't see out the other way." -- Emo Phillips

Emo Phillips was pulled over in Massachusetts for reckless driving. When brought before the judge, Emo was asked if he knew what the punishment for drunk driving in that state was. His reply: "I don't know, re-election to the Senate?"

I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming...They don't know I'm only using blanks. -- Emo Phillips

I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, "Get off me, you two!" --

At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote. -- Emo Phillips

The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said "If you'll notice, I sent a paper clip with my return. Given what you've been paying for things lately, that should more than make up the difference." --

Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something..."

"Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy."

"My girlfiend said to me in bed last night' 'you're a pervert' I said, 'that's a big word for a girl of nine'."

"When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas..."

"How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand."

"I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson."

"New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guys are very rude. I said, "I'd like a card." He says, "You have to prove you're a citizen of New York." So I stabbed him."

"You know what I hate? Indian givers...no, I take that back."

"People always ask me, "Where were you when Kennedy was shot?" Well, I don't have an alibi."

"When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me."

"You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life."

"I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes."

"My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself."

"I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him."

"A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing."

"My wife is very nice. She's the most beautiful woman I've ever seen on public transport. "She's very sexy and for our anniversary she gave me a wind chime which is great because if there's one thing I hate it's sleeping through a sudden gust.

[kayo]

The Wisdom Of Emo Phillips

Ah! Excellent.. Kept trying to take a sip, only to burst out laughing again!

[penzman]

I've seen him many times at Montreal's Just for Laughs Festival.

H-I-L-A-R-I-O-U-S!

Another one of his jokes was:

"I was arrested once and was allowed one call for bail money. So I called home and my sister answered the phone. I told her I needed 2000$ for bail. She replied " Where am I going to get that kind of money at this time of night? "Well... isn't the Navy base still open?

[Insight]

Absolutely spot on! Excellent stuff!!!