Other Peoples

[sceadugenga]

I have a mate who comes up and stays with me a couple of times a year and we get on fairly well. As he was leaving this time he told me, like one bestowing a great bounty, that he'd bring his grandson next time he came.

My wife and I are both childless and quite enjoy this state.

He sensed a lack of enthusiasm and rushed to tell me that his grandson was a "great kid". I met the little chap about three years ago when he was eight and he didn't fall into my "great kid" category.

I suppose they change between eight and eleven but to me it seems like he's ominously close to the teenager bit, or will be when and if they come next year.

Any suggestions other than a straight out "don't bring the kid?" via SMS?

I'm really not a kid person.

Sceadugenga in selfish and self centered mode.

[villagefarang]

I'm sure he is a great kid but we live a very adult-centric lifestyle. I'm sure that after half a day he will be quite bored.

Selfishly we would much rather have you to ourselves, as we enjoy your adult company and we are not well equipped, to take care of children.

Just an idea.

[Cuban]

Suggest that you are in the middle of cleaning out some of your old boxes of rusting but still sharp knives and your collection of large fish hooks, but not to worry as there is also the buckets of razor blades to play with too.

Get a pet Spitting Cobra - ask the kid to take it for a walk along the highway?

[sceadugenga]

I like a drink as well but I normally try not to post at the same time.

[thaiclan]

At 11 he should be pretty independent and play and explore on his own. You'll probably hardly notice him.

Its your friendship you wanna keep and this guy is obviously very proud of his grandson. Maybe you should enjoy his pride and let it go. Its one thing not wanting to share your life with kids, but another to not even want any for a visit. It wont do any harm, yet telling your mate that you dont appreciate the little guy in his life might. Its not a big deal so y not let it go....?

[madjbs]

You're a nice friend to have

[sceadugenga]

That sounds pretty good, but...

A farang kid wandering around a Thai village on his own? The family kids are either too young for him or too old. No language in common, if they come early next year as was suggested every bodies going to be at school anyway.

I haven't discussed this with my wife yet, I'll do it tomorrow and if she gives a flat "No" I'll work from there.

[villagefarang]

Its not a big deal so y not let it go....?

If it is no big deal, why are those of us who don't like kids, made to suffer the imposition of others kids and grandkids? It seems that it would be more equitable for one kid to be left at home than to impose upon the lives of grownups who would prefer not to be blessed with his presence.

[garro]

Hello Mr Wilson

[sceadugenga]

I'm sure he is a great kid but we live a very adult-centric lifestyle. I'm sure that after half a day he will be quite bored.

Selfishly we would much rather have you to ourselves, as we enjoy your adult company and we are not well equipped, to take care of children.

Just an idea.

A well thought out opinion, the boy being bored puts the finger right on my fears. I've got this picture of him chasing the dog up and down the stairs all day.

So that will mean endless drives in the countryside, (in my truck) trying to keep him entertained.

[madjbs]

If it is no big deal, why are those of us who don't like kids, made to suffer the imposition of others kids and grandkids? It seems that it would be more equitable for one kid to be left at home than to impose upon the lives of grownups who would prefer not to be blessed with his presence.

Same could be said for old, fat, smelly, balding farang.

Edited June 13, 2008 by madjbs

[sceadugenga]

^^ Same could be said for old, fat, smelly, balding farang.

I don't smell.

I reply to your first contribution, we have a saying in my home country... "nice c*nt of a mate you are".

If it comes down to that let the chips fall where they may.

[thaiclan]

Its not a big deal so y not let it go....?

If it is no big deal, why are those of us who don't like kids, made to suffer the imposition of others kids and grandkids? It seems that it would be more equitable for one kid to be left at home than to impose upon the lives of grownups who would prefer not to be blessed with his presence.

Could say the same thing about pets, old people, retarded or handicapped people, ppl who dont like kids.... its the price we pay for having friends and living in a community. Tolerance. we have to make room for everyone ESPECIALLY when its just a visit. It totally grosses me out to watch a handicapped person sloppily eating food, yet when my sister (cerebral palsy) comes to stay its something I just have to put up with. She cant help being handicapped, the grandson cant help being 11, none of us can help but be old fogeys one day. Live and let live and have tolerance.... and patience. Its a virtue that can only enrich your life.

[sceadugenga]

Its not a big deal so y not let it go....?

If it is no big deal, why are those of us who don't like kids, made to suffer the imposition of others kids and grandkids? It seems that it would be more equitable for one kid to be left at home than to impose upon the lives of grownups who would prefer not to be blessed with his presence.

Could say the same thing about pets, old people, retarded or handicapped people, ppl who dont like kids.... its the price we pay for having friends and living in a community. Tolerance. we have to make room for everyone ESPECIALLY when its just a visit. It totally grosses me out to watch a handicapped person sloppily eating food, yet when my sister (cerebral palsy) comes to stay its something I just have to put up with. She cant help being handicapped, the grandson cant help being 11, none of us can help but be old fogeys one day. Live and let live and have tolerance.... and patience. Its a virtue that can only enrich your life.

So who lives in a community? If I lived in a community you'd be proud of the tolerance I showed. But I don't, I live in the middle of nowhere, so why should I allow the community come to me after I've decided to do so?

[sceadugenga]

Hello Mr Wilson

My Mrs is better looking than Mrs Wilson.

[thaiclan]

Its not a big deal so y not let it go....?

If it is no big deal, why are those of us who don't like kids, made to suffer the imposition of others kids and grandkids? It seems that it would be more equitable for one kid to be left at home than to impose upon the lives of grownups who would prefer not to be blessed with his presence.

Could say the same thing about pets, old people, retarded or handicapped people, ppl who dont like kids.... its the price we pay for having friends and living in a community. Tolerance. we have to make room for everyone ESPECIALLY when its just a visit. It totally grosses me out to watch a handicapped person sloppily eating food, yet when my sister (cerebral palsy) comes to stay its something I just have to put up with. She cant help being handicapped, the grandson cant help being 11, none of us can help but be old fogeys one day. Live and let live and have tolerance.... and patience. Its a virtue that can only enrich your life.

So who lives in a community? If I lived in a community you'd be proud of the tolerance I showed. But I don't, I live in the middle of nowhere, so why should I allow the community come to me after I've decided to do so?

Then dont! But dont pussy foot around your frined then either if you feelso strongly. The OP was asking for adivce so any reasonable person could expect that you were at least open to views. Yet if your views are so rigid then why post and why not tell your "friend" falt out that you don not appreciate to see any of his offspring and subsequent generations until they reach 18? 16? Why the post??

With views like you have Im sure your mate must have an inclin into the type of person/ppl you and your wife are. maybe if you cant respect HIS request (to bring his grandson) maybe he will be tolerant enough to respect yours.

[sceadugenga]

Did my OP give you any other impression than that my views were rigid?

I was merely asking for suggestions as to a polite way of fobbing him off. My politeness skills have suffered over the years.

As your spelling and grammar skills suffer when ever someone disagrees with you.

[bina]

in alternative mode: u can tell your friend that all the school kids will be at school and u are faraway from stuff to do.. so, maybe he can find a room/hotel/guesthouse whatever, travel with his son, stay over a nite or two with u and u will just put up and shut up (find out ahead of time what the kid eats/drinks/prefers, and then, just grin and bear it)... my folks are awful grandparents... they dont like noise, kids etc (now that the kids are over 16 +- its improved) so we were responsible for all things having to do with kids; my folks kept their schedule of hiking, napping and eating what they like and when (low cholestrol, blabla); no tv, no loud music, etc. my kids got what they liked to eat more or less, and we organized ourselves with outings, and brought tapes (dvd's whatever) and warned them ahead of time about decibal levels, etc.... we used earphones for music, and brought stuff along to keep them busy (especially my son who was a difficult to entertain child anyway as my folks dont do football, etc)....

we do ten day visits at the most even if its going to the states since thats how my folks are. when they visit me, its hotels and a few day trips as a group; after that its adult only outings.

so u can suggest/prepare and put up , OR tell him that u feel that it would be too much of a strain on u/wife etc too deal now with a kid, why not wait until school is out, come and visit OR go visit travel thailand, but come and stay for a day or three in the middle, etc. that way, HE is the one that has to plan and create a schedule, provide food etc...

oh, and like my folks, some valium kept the stress level low for them (they used the stuff, not my kids)...

just my thoughts... although 11 is a good age to do stuff with kids, not quite nasty teen, and not too young so that u have to take in to account food/sleep arrangements... at 11 they like to do stuff, can also self entertain, and yet u can still tell them to go to bed and turn off the tv without getting into a huge arguement about it.... who knows. u might even enjoy yourself for a few days doing new stuff, going around the neighbhorhood etc doing things u normally wouldnt do, etc.

bina

israel

[thaiclan]

Did my OP give you any other impression than that my views were rigid?

I was merely asking for suggestions as to a polite way of fobbing him off. My politeness skills have suffered over the years.

As your spelling and grammar skills suffer when ever someone disagrees with you.

[sceadugenga]

in alternative mode: u can tell your friend that all the school kids will be at school and u are faraway from stuff to do.. so, maybe he can find a room/hotel/guesthouse whatever, travel with his son, stay over a nite or two with u and u will just put up and shut up (find out ahead of time what the kid eats/drinks/prefers, and then, just grin and bear it)... my folks are awful grandparents... they dont like noise, kids etc (now that the kids are over 16 +- its improved) so we were responsible for all things having to do with kids; my folks kept their schedule of hiking, napping and eating what they like and when (low cholestrol, blabla); no tv, no loud music, etc. my kids got what they liked to eat more or less, and we organized ourselves with outings, and brought tapes (dvd's whatever) and warned them ahead of time about decibal levels, etc.... we used earphones for music, and brought stuff along to keep them busy (especially my son who was a difficult to entertain child anyway as my folks dont do football, etc)....

we do ten day visits at the most even if its going to the states since thats how my folks are. when they visit me, its hotels and a few day trips as a group; after that its adult only outings.

so u can suggest/prepare and put up , OR tell him that u feel that it would be too much of a strain on u/wife etc too deal now with a kid, why not wait until school is out, come and visit OR go visit travel thailand, but come and stay for a day or three in the middle, etc. that way, HE is the one that has to plan and create a schedule, provide food etc...

oh, and like my folks, some valium kept the stress level low for them (they used the stuff, not my kids)...

just my thoughts... although 11 is a good age to do stuff with kids, not quite nasty teen, and not too young so that u have to take in to account food/sleep arrangements... at 11 they like to do stuff, can also self entertain, and yet u can still tell them to go to bed and turn off the tv without getting into a huge arguement about it.... who knows. u might even enjoy yourself for a few days doing new stuff, going around the neighbhorhood etc doing things u normally wouldnt do, etc.

bina

israel

I liked the suggestion about the Valium!! Until I realised it you never meant giving it to the kid.

Unfortunately mood altering drugs, and I have very limited experience here, either put me to sleep or have the opposite effect to that intended.

Don't get me wrong, we'll cope... but I'd rather not.

We have children around us, nieces and nephews whom my wife adores, until her patience wears out then they go home.

I think suggesting professional tours would be a good start then pointing out that a hotel in town would be a good idea, hiring a car and coming out to the ranch for an occasional meal.

I can cook for kids, I brought some up as a steppy in another life.

[keestha]

Personally I wouldn't go through great lengths to keep the kid entertained. If the boy really gets bored, your friend will leave soon enough. It would be nice if you could provide a bicycle for him to ride around on. Oh well, maybe he'll be sitting in a corner the whole day, playing video games on some kind of portable device. Good luck.

[villagefarang]

I love the way these things work. The OP asked a question. I gave what I consider a polite way to beg off. Then all of a sudden people start talking about pets, old people, retarded or handicapped people, old, fat, smelly, balding farangs, Mr. Wilson, rusting knives, fish hooks, razor blades, cobras etc.

I figure if guests aren't polite enough to accept ones gracious hospitality without making demands, then I'm not too shy to say no, politely. If you are a guest you should act like it. Show some consideration for the people who open their house to you. You are a guest and should show some deference and respect for your hosts. What is wrong with people anyway?

[Cuban]

I was merely asking for suggestions as to a polite way of fobbing him off. My politeness skills have suffered over the years. As your spelling and grammar skills suffer when ever someone disagrees with you.

So maybe you could spent the time giving the youngster some grammar lessons or aranging a spelling test - that would be a productive way to structure the visit.

Bottom line from your OP you don't want the kid visiting, you cloud the issue by suggesting that there is nothing for him to do, children find things to do or perhaps you would let him use your computer.

Why do you feel that you need to find a 'polite' way to say "No."

If this person bringing his grandson is that close a friend or yours, why do you need to seek excuses from strangers to deal with your situation. Can you not discuss the subject with your friend like adults? Maybe not?

It's clear from your response to my earlier post that you equate humor with drinking - probably wise to avoid having the kid over.

Do you have a special seat when you visit the coffee shop?

{Just for the record - we have kids over from time to time no one is bored or at a loss to find things to past the time, games, toys, animals and the countryside. Taking pictures and exploring outside when it's fine or last resort a DVD when it's raining or dark.}

Edited June 14, 2008 by Cuban

[sceadugenga]

Strange how forum discussions keep coming back to "why do you need to seek excuses from strangers to deal with your situation."

What else are forums for?

I live a long way from the nearest coffee shop and no, the staff don't reserve a seat for me.

Sorry I failed to acknowledge the humor in your first post, I was attempting to initiate a serious discussion and that, in general, was what I got.

If my dismissing the frivolous comments a little too contemptuously offended you then there's little I can do about it now.

[Cuban]

So I suppose that I can't come and stay as well?

[sceadugenga]

Depends on how old you are.

And whether you have a problem with people who drink.

It's nice in the mountains this time of the year though, 6pm every night we get a cool breeze through the house. Beats the pants off of air-con.

PS. Don't bring the kids.

[villagefarang]

One last thought from me. Perhaps you are just too nice, too generous, too go of a host. Leaves your friends forgetting their place as a guest in your home.

[desi]

I have a mate who comes up and stays with me a couple of times a year and we get on fairly well. As he was leaving this time he told me, like one bestowing a great bounty, that he'd bring his grandson next time he came.

My wife and I are both childless and quite enjoy this state.

He sensed a lack of enthusiasm and rushed to tell me that his grandson was a "great kid". I met the little chap about three years ago when he was eight and he didn't fall into my "great kid" category.

I suppose they change between eight and eleven but to me it seems like he's ominously close to the teenager bit, or will be when and if they come next year.

Any suggestions other than a straight out "don't bring the kid?" via SMS?

I'm really not a kid person.

Sceadugenga in selfish and self centered mode.

I enjoy having guests but they are a lot of work (even with a part time maid).

Now that my kids are grown, I don't enjoy having kids underfoot (not my own). And it's not that I don't have company here, I do. Lots. But I've done my other-peoples-kids-in-the-house bit. Finish.

I have house rules. No smoking inside. No kids. Meals eaten out (my days of cooking for a houseful are over). And they have to put up with my cats.

I mostly depend on people to have the good sense they were born with, but it's not always so. And as I'm reluctant and resent being forced into standing my ground, I do sympathise with your situation. But with your back against the wall, the best thing (in my mind) is to stop it right here. If you don't, who will he drag out after?

Email or call to put it to him straight. Tell him the truth. Tell him that you are childless for a reason. That yes, you enjoy his company as an invited guest in your house. But no, you do not feel comfortable having his grandson stay. Tell him that you are afraid it will come between you two if his grandson visits and senses the reluctance of you and your wife. Because he will. Kids at that age have a pretty decent radar. For the most part they want to be liked, even when they are being little sh£ts. Sometimes especially when they are being little sh£ts. And they will be aware and watching. As will your friend. And you value your friendship, right?

But don't shut him out. Give him a list of hotels or hostels they can both stay at during their visit to Thailand. Maybe in the next town if there isn't a decent one nearby.

And then suggest he print out the information for future reference. For the next time he forgets his manners.

Ok, maybe not the last part ... but ...

Edited June 15, 2008 by desi

[sceadugenga]

One last thought from me. Perhaps you are just too nice, too generous, too go of a host. Leaves your friends forgetting their place as a guest in your home.

You may have something there... actually it wasn't that he asked would it be OK if he brought the grandson next time, I'm a sucker for a nicely worded request from a friend; it was a direct "I'll bring young so and so next time I come".

[sceadugenga]

I have a mate who comes up and stays with me a couple of times a year and we get on fairly well. As he was leaving this time he told me, like one bestowing a great bounty, that he'd bring his grandson next time he came.

My wife and I are both childless and quite enjoy this state.

He sensed a lack of enthusiasm and rushed to tell me that his grandson was a "great kid". I met the little chap about three years ago when he was eight and he didn't fall into my "great kid" category.

I suppose they change between eight and eleven but to me it seems like he's ominously close to the teenager bit, or will be when and if they come next year.

Any suggestions other than a straight out "don't bring the kid?" via SMS?

I'm really not a kid person.

Sceadugenga in selfish and self centered mode.

I enjoy having guests but they are a lot of work (even with a part time maid).

Now that my kids are grown, I don't enjoy having kids underfoot (not my own). And it's not that I don't have company here, I do. Lots. But I've done my other-peoples-kids-in-the-house bit. Finish.

I have house rules. No smoking inside. No kids. Meals eaten out (my days of cooking for a houseful are over). And they have to put up with my cats.

I mostly depend on people to have the good sense they were born with, but it's not always so. And as I'm reluctant and resent being forced into standing my ground, I do sympathise with your situation. But with your back against the wall, the best thing (in my mind) is to stop it right here. If you don't, who will he drag out after?

Email or call to put it to him straight. Tell him the truth. Tell him that you are childless for a reason. That yes, you enjoy his company as an invited guest in your house. But no, you do not feel comfortable having his grandson stay. Tell him that you are afraid it will come between you two if his grandson visits and senses the reluctance of you and your wife. Because he will. Kids at that age have a pretty decent radar. For the most part they want to be liked, even when they are being little sh£ts. Sometimes especially when they are being little sh£ts. And they will be aware and watching. As will your friend. And you value your friendship, right?

But don't shut him out. Give him a list of hotels or hostels they can both stay at during their visit to Thailand. Maybe in the next town if there isn't a decent one nearby.

And then suggest he print out the information for future reference. For the next time he forgets his manners.

Ok, maybe not the last part ... but ...

Nicely said, thanks desi.