Qantas

[Chris Lawrence]

In case you need a laugh: Remember, it takes a college degree to fly a plane but only a high school diploma to fix one, but never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour.

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a 'Gripe Sheet' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.

The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the Gripe Sheets before the next flight.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.

S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.

S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute Descent.

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.

S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.

S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious..

P: Target radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.

S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last..................

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.

S: Took hammer away from midget.

[Daffy D]

[eefoo]

Doubtful it actually came from Qantas, and the "Number 3 engine missing" comment tags that one as a 4 piston-engined aeroplane which is well old! Here's Snopes page - http://www.snopes.com/travel/airline/squawk.asp

[Chris Lawrence]

Doubtful it actually came from Qantas, and the "Number 3 engine missing" comment tags that one as a 4 piston-engined aeroplane which is well old! Here's Snopes page - http://www.snopes.com/travel/airline/squawk.asp

Put up or shut up. They are just jokes eefoo. They should make you laugh, some I have seen before but I treat them as jokes; but then again some just like going down in a flame????

[Boater]

i had to email this to a few people, very good