Problems With Thai Stepson

[bravingbangkok]

I've been with my Thai wife for nearly 5 years now.She has two Thai sons,aged 11 and 16,from a previous marriage to a Thai man.

I cant fault my wife .She takes good care of me and her sons and keeps the house tidy and clean etc.She's not afraid of hard work and is very kindhearted.

I get on really well with the 11 year old boy.True,he's naughty sometimes but thats to be expected and we have a good laugh together,like a father and son should do.

The problem is the 16 year old.He's not very bright (not that I hold that against him) and isnt interested in school.Last year we found he had been bunking off school a fair bit and he was one of only two boys who failed to attain his grades for that year.We arranged for him to do retakes of the subjects he had failed but that took up almost 3 months of the new school year.

My wife decided that as he had missed 3 months of his current year it would be better if he skipped this curriculum till next year ie. take the subjects a year behind.

His character is not good.Lying and cheating seem to be second nature to him.Now he is not at school till next year his life seems to consist of lazing in bed till at least lunchtime,then going out playing online games in the afternoon and then meeting up with his mates at night smoking and drinking Thai whisky and coming home only when he feels like it.

I am not happy about this.My wife says try to understand him as he is only young.But he is abusive towards her and so lazy when asked to do even the simplest of household chores.Too be honest he doesnt listen to my wife and its only when I speak firmly to him that he will do anything.

Sometimes he doesnt come home or not till the early hours.He's only 16 years old and thats just not on as far as I am concerned.

I found him rooting through my wifes handbag in our bedroom once,maybe looking for money.My wife told me he did this before she met me.

I said why doesnt he get a job whilst hes not at school and make a bit of money but hes not interested.Too much like hard work.

For me,I wouldnt give him any money till he improves,just feed him,but I know my wife will relent and give him some baht every time.

Personally I feel like beating the living shit out of him but what would that achieve other than making me feel better in the short term !

His personality sames to be exactly the same as his fathers,a complete waster,drunkard and womaniser.

Its reaching the stage where I feel this boy is spoiling my life big time.I'd be so happy if he went to live with his grandparents three hours drive away.

But that would be passing the buck.He would just spoil their life.

I've even said to my wife if he doesnt go then I will.Again,unfair on my wife and younger son for they have done nothing wrong.

But,on the other side of the coin,if he doesnt go I am left living with a complete waster for possibly the rest of my life,not fair on me.

So,grateful for any ideas people might have as to how this can be resolved.I should say that,other than for this boy,I would have a great life over here.

I didnt leave stressed out UK for even more stress in Thailand.

Thanks for any help/advice.

I can fully understand what you mean, I was just like this when I was younger. My dad took me aside one day and said he didnt mind the drinking, smoking, drugs etc etc but he just wanted me to be respectful and loving. To pick up the phone when my parents rung etc etc and follow through on what you promise. Kids will be kids and I think it is bad to stop that, You should try talking to him like an adult...sit down and have a beer with him

[shielded220011]

Guys,

Thanks very much for the advice offered.Its much appreciated.

Its very true that I am concerned that the elder boys behaviour will have an adverse effect on the younger one and we will end up with two bad sons.

As for the financial side,the important money is controlled by myself both with my bank account in Thailand and in the UK.....no joint bank accounts !

I have given him a clip around the ear in the past,which improves things for a while,but I dont want to rule by fear and what would happen long term if he is in his twenties and I am nudging sixty and I am no longer physically stronger than him ? I dont want to be on the receiving end of a thumping or maybe even worse !

Anyway,yesterday,I told my wife that I didnt think I could continue living in the house if the eldest son stayed there.I then cleared off for the day on my own.

This threat seems to have galvanised them into action.My wife told him this and said he would have to go either living away with his grandparents or renting a cheap apartment.

He was sad and said he didnt want to live with his grandparents but said he will look for a job as a trainee mechanic and would live in an apartment.

We'll see what happens.I'd be more than happy if he moved out but wouldnt want him turning up like a bad penny at our house every five minutes.

I doubt very much that his character will change for the better,despite what my wife tells me.I admit I feel more relaxed when he is out of the house rather than slobbing about in bed or on the sofa.If he got any less active I think hed sink into a coma !!

Hi,

Easy! Dont push him out of the nest, he is only a kid, a pain in the arse maybe, but a kid all the same, pushing him away is just providing ammunition that for sure will be fired straight back at you and likely from all sides in the future.

The goal is ( I hope?) a happy household and for sure mum may be make soothing noises to you now but underneath she is

resenting your ultimatum, what you need to do now is to make bloody sure the boy stays at home and shows some respect for others.

Dont expect miracle's, but over a few months you might actuallly end up liking this spoilt kid again.

When you have managed to get him to appreciate that he needs to consider others as well as himself and to accept the sense in following the house rules he might just be persuaded to go finish his education which in my view is most important.

If he is allowed to run away from these problems to live with his mates or grandparents the only thing he will be taking with him is resentment of you and if you are not careful with no education to give him a chance in life is is almost certain he is going to be returning to his mothers home for the rest of his life every time he wants some cash or just to air his frustrations at who he will see as responsible for what he views of his sad life to date.

In your position I would see the fact he has suggested he wants to go get some training in mechanics as a golden opportunity to point out that without good school results no employer will entertain him.

In fact I would go as far as to be seen to be actively assisting him to find the career he claims he wants, but I would go to a fairly decent car dealership and ask to see he manager/boss and ask for his help ( some money passing hands will be a good investment I think). Explin that you want to do the right thing by the boy and are desparate to have him return to full time education.

Ask him to agree to give the boy an interview as a trainee and if you can get him to boost the kid up and then have him ask the boy for sight of his qualifications ( which he doesnt possess) at which point have him tell the boy that much as he would like to help him but there are loads of kids out there with the right qualifications who are desparate for the opportuntity to train as a mechanic and get him to say that if he goes back to school and gets decent marks/qualifications he would be delighted to have him comeback for another interview.

Ok, it is devious, but if you can get him to realise that h is just another kid with no prospects if he doesnt get back into school

you will have proved to the whole family and more importantly to yourself, that you were only acting in the boys best interests instead as I am sure is the case ight now, another resntful stepfather.

With respect, you knew when you took this woman on that she and the kids came as a package, you also know he kids biological father is not a "Dad " to the kids, when you took the job no-one ( I hope!) told you it would be easy, so now you have managed to get the wife to realise that this problem needs to be sorted she has ( begrudgingly I suspect) taken the first step to regaining some respect in her own house.

If the kid likes mechanics then try to exploit his interests and perhaps assist him by buying a crock of a car or bike for him to get his hands dirty each night rather than sitting on street corners waiting for the trouble that will almost certainly be heading his way.

By the sound of it he has never had a father to show him the way, his friends likley tease him about his mother having a farang husband and no doubt they are doing what kids do best which is to give it plenty of the " I wouldnt let a farang tell me what to do bulshit " whilst at the same time they may well secretly resent the fact the your kid ( well he is you know!) has material things that they perhaps do not.

Cast you mind back to when you were 16, I dont supose you were any diffent from other kids of that age, finding you feet and gnerally making a prat of yourself, I know I was!

Easing him out of the door may seem to be the easy option right now, but its not the right one for you or the other family members in the long run.

He may never thank you for investing your time and effort in him and you shouldnt expect him to either, thats what being a real dad is about.

Other than being a typical 16 year old pain in the arse from what you have written he isnt out of control like may his age are.

You have his attention now and thats half the battle, sure its going to be a rollercoaster ride at times, but treat this as a training exercise for when the next one starts pushing the boundaries as they all do.

The fact is he needs you, he might not like it but he knows he doesnt have anyone else to pick him up when he stuffs up and to knock him down ( not literally please!) when he gets too head of himself.

Good luck "Dad", and welcome to the club! LOL

Roy gsd

If you are in BKK I have a motorcylce of my own that has been sitting for a couple of years that I am willing to donate to get the kids hands dirty, and see if that is really what he wants to do in life. As I know from past experience friends trying this approach, the young adult finds out that its actually real work to get involved in that industry, bypass after the experience.

Please note the bike is old but just needs a clutch cable and a carb tune-up, but dont tell him let him figure it out. free of charge, no problem

Good luck!

Concerned father for own child's future

S

[jingjoke]

Setting up an interview with the head of mechanics at a reputable auto dealership is solid advice.

However, if he's 'failing' high school he may not get into tech school; yet many teens, despite non-stellar high school grades, manage to do so at his age. I can't understand the fact that he's failing, as all Thai high schools have a no-fail policy. If your son really wants to be a mechanic, talk to his present school's headmaster to determine what the school needs to grant him his certificate (tea money via a donation to the faculty fund...whatever... may be a last resort) and then enroll him in Tech School. Prior to Tech school enrolment you will need to determine whether or not he has both the aptitude and desire to be a mechanic. To help in this, convince (tea money?) the automobile dealership to hire him as a mechanics' "helper"; he will learn a lot from on-the-job observation and involvement but more importantly he will incidentally get much needed advice and possibly encouragement to study from his peers, mechanics of his age. Beforehand' see if the dealership or tech school or current school have the means to determine his true aptitude. If it's a written aptitude test, do not call it a 'test' to your son as this will surely put him off.

In the meantime, while you are sorting out the implementation of this plan or something similar, try to think of anything positive the boy has done, so every now and then you can truly compliment him - don’t go overboard on this. But determine, for instance, what niceties he has done recently for his mother and brother, however small or seemingly insignificant. You might first 'break the ice' by having your wife pass on to him how you appreciated this or that he had done.

Hope this helps in some way. I empathize with you in your situation. If all else fails, especially if your wife does not clearly rise to this family-challenge alongside you, you may well have to consider supporting the family from a distance. "Distance may in this instance help the heart grow fonder." In any event, I'd stay well clear of negatives, particularly anything physical.

Good luck.

[think_too_mut]

To help in this, convince (tea money?) the automobile dealership to hire him as a mechanics' "helper"; he will learn a lot from on-the-job observation and involvement but more importantly he will incidentally get much needed advice and possibly encouragement to study from his peers, mechanics of his age.

More likely than not, that's exactly what helped him get into this situation - his peers, who ended up as mechanics due to similar failures at school.

He will just get more exposure to them. Young people who earned their daily money, with no goals other than boozing.

In the meanwhile, "regular" kids may still be ats school or study and have no their own money to squander.

[Gary A]

I assume your wife and stepson are Buddhists. Talk to your wife about getting him counseling from the monks and him possibly living at the watt for a while.

[think_too_mut]

I assume your wife and stepson are Buddhists. Talk to your wife about getting him counseling from the monks and him possibly living at the watt for a while.

They have been Buddists all along the way.

The story could be rather harsh and circular: the guy ( the boy) , when he pools his earnings with his mates at a car repair shop may just go for whatever keeps them high. Lao Khao or whatever.

There is a chance, he may stumble over some girl and impregnate her.

Then, the girl, when the father does runner, considers Pattaya to fish for someone to pick up the cost of hers and child's future.

Of course, some farang who will do that does not know it yet.

He could be in his late 30s or mid-age, just waiting to be picked.

[PeaceBlondie]

The OP needs to have an hour or longer talk, uninterrupted, with his wife. Explain your side, listen to hers, and then you give her the choices to evict the older son, or to change herself and her sons. Make it clear how serious you feel about this. Write down your decision, bilingually if needed, and have your wife and you sign it. Make deadlines based on actions, not intent. Never promise what you do not follow through, because then it was just a lie by you. Maybe one option is that if you do not see A, B, and C by a certain date, all financial aid to the family stops while you take a vacation somewhere.