Farming Humour,,

[Lickey]

This one should sum things up nicely about farming !!

Old farmer Bob died and his 2 sons went to solicitors to hear his will,

Solicitor said 'well Mike , Dad has left you the farm!

Mike jumped up and pointed at his brother, See, i always said you were his favourite!!

[MrBrad]

There once was a girl from Madras

Who had a magnificent ass.

Not round and pink,

as you might think,

but grey, had long ears,

and ate grass.

[Lickey]

Hi Josh, hi-fives to yah man, hows the farm going?

Well Duke, i got all the land ploughed tilled and planted with corn, the irri is all laid on and im set to go!

Why look so glum Josh?

Well, the local goverment says ive got to employ immi labour for the picking of corn, to make them earn there keep here, ive converted an old barn for 150 people, and ive got to build a toilet block, its got to have 1 sit-down shitter for every 5 persons, and im short of money now,

Duke says, I can help you there mate, i know a man who made the worlds biggest shithouse with one screw!

oh, whoes that then?

Duke says George Bushes Father!

[aitch52]

A young man from Ireland called Seamus finds himself in dire trouble.

His farm has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help. He goes into the Church and begins to pray… “God, please help me, I've lost my Farm and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well, please let me win the lotto”.

Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.

Seamus goes back to the Church… “God, please let me win the lotto, I've lost my Farm, my house and I'm going to lose my tractor as well“.

Lotto night comes and Seamus still has no luck!!

Back to the Church… “My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my Farm, my house, my tractor and my wife and 17 children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. Why won't you just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order???“.

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Seamus is confronted by the voice of GOD himself: “Seamus, meet me half way on this one, buy a ticket“.

[IsaanAussie]

A Thai Politician had a "Tacky" background and was back in the country secretly, travelling on minor roads in southern Thailand canvassing votes for his relatives. The chauffeur accidentally hit and killed a pig that had wandered out onto the road. Tacky told the chauffeur to drive up to the farm and apologize to the farmer.

They drove up to the farm, the chauffeur got out went into the house. He was in there for what seemed like hours. When the chauffeur came out, Tacky was confused about why his driver had been in there so long.

"Well, first the farmer shook my hand, then he offered me a Mekong, then his wife brought me some food, and his daughter showered me with kisses." explained the driver.

"What did you tell the farmer?" Tacky asked.

The chauffeur replied, "I just told him I was your driver and I'd just killed the pig."

(adapted to suit.....)

[IsaanAussie]

A bus load of Thai politicians were driving down a country road one afternoon, when all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in a farmer's rice paddy.

Seeing what happened, the farmer went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians.

A few days later, a local policeman came by, saw the crashed bus, and asked the farmer, "Were they all dead?"

The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie."

[IsaanAussie]

An Isaan farmer's son was returning from the market with the cardboard box of chicken's his father had entrusted to him, when all of a sudden the box fell off the motorbike and broke open. Chickens scurried off in different directions, but the determined boy walked all over the mobahn scooping up the wayward birds and returning them to the repaired box. Hoping he had found them all, the boy reluctantly returned home, expecting the worst.

"Po, the chickens got loose," the boy confessed sadly, "but I managed to find all twelve of them."

"Well, you did real good, son," the farmer beamed. "You only left with seven."

[IsaanAussie]

And to finish off, one from back home....

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large".

Then they walk around the ranch a little and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows".

The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those"?

The Aussie asks with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas"?

[IsaanAussie]

This is actually based on fact, yes it almost happened just like this....

I was up in Isaan continuing building the pig bahn last week. We had been there for a week and the last of the concrete posts had been set in place, tomorrow we would come back to Bangkok, so there I was having a quite beer when these two guys pull up on a bike. Now my Thai is pretty lousey but I could make out that they car was bogged and they wanted me to take either the 4WD or the tractor up to pull them out. Well, OK, what sort of car is it? It's the local shitties truck and she is brim full. Rule out the pickup, so where's the keys to the tractor. BIL has them in his pocket and he has gone to bring the cows home. OK guys you'll have to wait a bit. Ten minutes later with the herd of cows milling around the yard the story of the sewage truck is repeated to BIL, who promptly waves these two fine smelling guys off like flies with the comment Battery Mot, indicating tractor wont go. After they left, BIL repeats the comment adding Ching Ching. Sh-t why do they always tell the dramas just when you are ready to leave, TIT. No forget the cows, lets get this thing started. Needless to say, battery not mot, tractor wont start. So yours truely starts trying to find the problem. A voice from behind says, bet its the fuel system. Spinning around I find myself talking to one of the buffaloes. I am dumbstruck, head spinning I look at the watching Po Yai Bahn and say did you hear what that buffalo said. Response, dont listen to him, he knows <deleted>-k all about tractors......

[IsaanAussie]

Do you know what the difference is between OP's on the Farming Forum and those in the general area of TV?

Well the farmers talk about hormones

The generalists talk about whore moans.........

[Lickey]

2 english farm laboures sat down for their midday sandwiches, , after the sarnies Bob was eating an apple, Joe was eating a piece of bacon,

Bob said, why you eating bacon buh, you usually eat an apple same as me?

Joe said, well buh, you know the old saying, an apple a day will keep the doctor away, im eating bacon cos there is so many muslim doctors here now!

[IsaanAussie]

One night in Isaan all was quite and a thief was at work downstairs in a neighbours house. As he snuck around in the dark, he heard a voice in the blackness. "I can see you and so can Jesus". "Who said that?", says the midnight shopper fearing it might be a ghost. There it was again, "I can see you and so can Jesus", so the tea-leaf strikes a match and gasps in relief when he sees it is only a colourful parrot sitting in the corner on a perch. "You had me going there for a moment, but you're only a parrot." "Yes I am," replies the parrot adding, "... and Jesus is only a bull terrier"

[IsaanAussie]

Many years ago the Australian Farmers were represented in Parliament by the Country Party. Later the party was absorbed into the Liberal Party with the leader becoming deputy PM. The change need him good because memories of an exchange in the house faded after the coalition merged. He said once defending the Farmers "...and I'm proud to be one myself and to represent them, proud to be a Country Member." The response was "Yes we remember"

[Lickey]

A catholic farmer was in the confession box at his local church and he said, Father, i reckon that what im going to tell you now, you will ban me from the church,

Father said, there is no way i can ban you, tell me what happened to you?

Farmer says, well, mrs was bending over the freezer looking for something for dinner, she had dark stockings on and suspenders, and Father, i just had to have her there and then!

Father: that is a natural reaction my son, why should i ban you?

Farmer: well, the manager of Tesco Lotus banned me!!!

[Lickey]

A catholic farmer was in the confession box at his local church and he said, Father, i reckon that what im going to tell you now, you will ban me from the church,

Father said, there is no way i can ban you, tell me what happened to you?

Farmer says, well, mrs was bending over the freezer looking for something for dinner, she had dark stockings on and suspenders, and Father, i just had to have her there and then!

Father: that is a natural reaction my son, why should i ban you?

Farmer: well, the manager of Tesco Lotus banned me!!!

[IsaanAussie]

Even farmers can be poetic.

I like the girls that do,

I like the girls that don't,

I hate the girl that says she will

And then she says she wont,

But the girl I like the best of all

And I think you'll say I'm right,

Is the girl that says she never does,

But she looks as though she might.

Obviously a milk maid

Isaanaussie

[aitch52]

Definition of a farmer?

A man out standiing in his field.

[Lickey]

The wind was a blowing and the rain was lashing down on a cornish moors farm,

5yr old Amy said to dad, i need the toilet quick dad, dad says "you aint a gorn out there tonight gal, youll get blown away"

But ive got to go dad, he says, well do your buisness in this bucket and ill get rid on it.

Amy conforms, and dad opens the front door and throws the contents out, 20 seconds later, theres a knock on the door, this fella says, theres some dirty bastards living here! dad says, And who are you to say that, standing there covered in shit?

[IsaanAussie]

A group of wandering Thai minstrels are cruising along on top of all their worldly goods, on a pickup truck when the vehicle suddenly screeches to a halt, the driver jumps out and yells at the musicians spread all over the road. "Did you see that?" "What" says the trombone player as he removes the instrument slide from his left nostril. "That three legged chicken" says the driver, "It ran up that driveway into that farm at a thousand miles an hour". "Kee Wua" said the drummer. "Ching" exclaims the driver and in order to prove it he took off in pursuit with limping accompanyment.

On reaching the farmhouse the group is stopped by the farmer, "What do you want?". "He says he saw a three legged chicken run in here" says the tamborine player. "So what?" says the farmer. "You mean it true?" asks the hopeful driver. "Open your eyes they are everywhere, see" points the farmer. "Wow, where did you get them?" fires back the driver seeing larger crowds with a stage full of the birds.

"Didn't get them anywhere, I bred them. See the mia, the lok chai and me all like the drum stick best. So what could I do? Had to breed a third leg into them. Good thigh meat too." boasts the farmer. "Really.." says one of the dancers, "What do they taste like?" To which the farmer responds, "Dont know, never been able to catch one"

Edited October 15, 2008 by IsaanAussie

[IsaanAussie]

The new policemen is putting around his village on the rot chukeyan checking it out when he spots a three legged pig standing besides Khun farmer said states "Khun, that pig has only got three legs." "Chai" said the farmer.

"Who is going to buy a pig with three legs?" asking the policemen. "No-one, but he is sort of a pet." says the farmer. "See he saved my life once by pulling me out of the flood water, and he saved my wife's life when he dragged her out of a house fire. So how could I sell me now? explains the farmer.

"OK, but how come he only has three legs? asks the Boy in Brown. "Well," explains the farmer, "I just haven't got the heart to eat him all at once."

Edited October 15, 2008 by IsaanAussie

[IsaanAussie]

As is the case in Thailand, a farang man finds the girl of his dreams. They fall in love and decide to marry and move to her village to live. So it is all arranged and he arrives for the first time in any small rural community. The ceremony is held, the food and drink consumed and after they have dropped from dancing they decide to retire for the night. Upstairs he is shocked to find literally dozens of people sleeping on the open plan floor and can only stutter "But what about... you know... us and .." At this point the bride to rescue her husband and using the secret code language of English, offers a suggestion. "Look if you are horny, just touch my right breast. If not the left one,OK?" "Thanks, good idea. ...Oh, and by the way if you're horny just give the old fella a tug. If not tug it about fifty times.."

[IsaanAussie]

This joke was posted else where on TV I believe so with suitable unknown credit due here it is:

A dwarf with a lisp goes into a stud farm "I'd like to buy a horth"

He says to the owner of the farm.

"What sort of horse?" said the owner.

"A female horth" the dwarf replies.

So the owner shows him a mare.

"Nithe horth." says the dwarf, "Can I thee her eyeth?"

So the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses eyes.

"Nithe eyeth.", says the dwarf, "Can I thee her teeth?"

Again the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses teeth.

"Nithe teeth.... can I see her eerth?" the dwarf says.

By now the owner is getting a little fed up but again, picks up the

dwarf to show him the horses ears.

"Nithe eerth.' he says 'Now...can I see her twot?"

With this the owner picks the dwarf up by the scruff of his neck and

shoves his head deep inside the horses vagina.

He holds him there for a couple of seconds before pulling him out

and putting him down.

The dwarf shakes his head and says: "Perhaps I should weefwaze that...

"Can I see her wun awound?"

[Lickey]

A thai farmer takes his son to the tailors shop to get kitted out for the new term,

He says to the assistant, I want a shirt for my son Pot, Pot with the big head, and then slaps him round the head.

Then he says, I want trousers for my son Pot, Pot with the big head, and slaps him again!

And now i want shoes for my son Pot, Pot with the big head, and more slaps!!

the assistant asks why he keeps slapping the boy?

The farmer says, I married a most beautiful girl with the tightest quim in all Thailand, and along comes Pot with the big head !!

[IsaanAussie]

A koala is sitting up a gum tree smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past , looks up and says "Hey Koala ! what are you doing?" The koala says: "Smoking a joint, come up and have some." So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have a few joints.

After a while the little lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the farm dam. But the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the water.

A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the little lizard: "What's the matter with you?" The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the dam while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks over to the tree where the koala is sitting finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "Hey you!" So the koala looks down at him and says:

"Fuuuu - k dude.......how much water did you drink?!!"

[IsaanAussie]

A farmer buys several pigs, hoping to breed them for ham, bacon, etc...

After several weeks, he notices that none of the pigs are getting pregnant, and calls a vet for help. The vet tells the farmer that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the pigs are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will, instead, lay down and wallow in the mud when they are pregnant.

The farmer hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the pigs. So, he loads the pigs into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes up and looks out at the pigs. Seeing that they are all still standing around. He concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them into the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each pig twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes to find the pigs still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the pigs and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the pigs. He asks his wife to look out the window and tell him if the pigs are laying in the mud. "No," she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn."

Edited October 20, 2008 by IsaanAussie

[farmerjo]

A koala is sitting up a gum tree smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past , looks up and says "Hey Koala ! what are you doing?" The koala says: "Smoking a joint, come up and have some." So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have a few joints.

After a while the little lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the farm dam. But the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the water.

A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the little lizard: "What's the matter with you?" The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the dam while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks over to the tree where the koala is sitting finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "Hey you!" So the koala looks down at him and says:

"Fuuuu - k dude.......how much water did you drink?!!"

CLASSIC

[IsaanAussie]

With both our currencies in the too hard basket, here one for the all the Skippies at the expense of the Kiwis out there:

Background: Many years ago there was an Australian ventiloquist named Ron Blaskett and his dummy Gerry Gee who used to charm children and give ribald performances to their parents. Well the story goes that he once toured New Zealand and ......

Blaskett took a walk in the country by himself and saw a Kiwi farmer sitting on his porch with his dog.

Blaskett: "Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?"

Kiwi: "This dog don't talk!"

Blaskett: "Hey dog, how's it goin'?"

Dog: "Doin' all right."

Kiwi: (Look of extreme shock)

Blaskett: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing at the Kiwi)

Dog: "Yep."

Blaskett: "How's he treat you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play."

Kiwi: (Look of disbelief)

Blaskett: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Kiwi: "Horses don't talk!"

Blaskett: "Hey horse, how's it goin'?"

Horse: "Cool."

Kiwi: (An even wilder look of shock)

Blaskett: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing at the Kiwi)

Horse: "Yep."

Blaskett: "How's he treat you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."

Kiwi: (Look of total amazement)

Blaskett: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

Kiwi: (Gesticulating wildly and hardly able to talk)......"Them sheep ain't nothin' but liars, every darned one of 'em!!!!

But then maybe only "Maree knows".....Bahhhh.

[IsaanAussie]

An old farmer was walking down the path to the pond when he spotted a bullfrog. He reached down and grabbed the frog and started to put him in his pocket when the bullfrog said,"Kiss me on the lips and I will turn into the most beautiful woman in the world." Again the old farmer started to put the frog in his pocket. The frog asked,"Didn't you hear what I said ?" The farmer looked at the frog and said," At my age I'd rather have a talking frog."

[IsaanAussie]

Three posters for the farming "posters".

Shit_Creek_Paddle_Store.bmp

Things could be worse

Isaanaussie

[Lickey]

Couple of quickes!

A 2 seater plane crashed into a irish cemetry last night, police have recovered 340 bodies so far!!

Jim & Bob sat down for there miday sarnis on the farm, Bob opened his sandwich box and threw away the sarnis, saying, "cheese again"!!!

Jim says, how do you know, you aint even tasted them,

Bob says, i know allright, I made them!!

And a little clarification,

Suffolk Born, Suffolk Bred,

Strong in the arm, and weak in the head!

I like Cider,

and when i like cider

I drink cider,

And when i drink cider,

I get wider,

And when i get wider,

I Fart !!!!!!