How To Deal With Wife's Guilt For Leaving Her Parents

[Thai at Heart]

Money and lies in any relationship means that it will probably end in tears I am afraid. Either you two as the husband and wife and children probably to come are priority number one in the house or you aren't.

I remember the crazy conversations I had in the process of getting married. I laid my priorities out as follows and to this day no problems yet.

1. Wife

2. Children

3. Children's education

4. Pension/Life Insurance

5. My father

6. My mother

7. My Inlaws

8. My siblings

9. My in laws sick buffalo

Of course emergencies happen, but voluntarily buying houses that you will never live in is an act of generosity beyond family ties unless you are swimming in cash.

Edited November 18, 2008 by Thai at Heart

[Pushit]

or buy another noodle stand for her "brother" to make money and ease the burden on us.

Oh Yes Really??

[thesunset75]

Its sad to hear same story again and agian and that make many foriegners looks down on Thai woman who sucking his money.

Arent there two parties involved? $ 7.500 for sinsod? Yes i know stories of people paying a lot more, but 225.000+ baht to marry some poor educated woman (already 29 years old!) sounds like a lot already, even if you believe sin sod is cultural heritence. Why on earth loan money to pay such an amount? Did the OP tell his to be wife (or family) he had to loan the sum? Or was it some kind of brag to show that kind of money?

Second why send money on a regular basis?

Third, why marry a woman who has not got you as her first priority?

Yes I know, its about 2 people not about family involve.....If the the OP have not give them the first place then this sucking money thing wont happen.

Same as my mom she have not get any from my bf and he took me away from Thailand (and im happy we did that).

many people says the same thing that foriegners married to Thai they must accept about SinSod thing.

We both just dont and that makes us so difference couple with western mind. His salary go to Mortgate and all the bills, my money for food and things we needs and my son's saving. We never send any money to my family cause I helped them somuch before I know this bf and moved here wiht my son.

To the OP just take all advices and you know the answer.

best of luck.

[Neeranam]

Money and lies in any relationship means that it will probably end in tears I am afraid. Either you two as the husband and wife and children probably to come are priority number one in the house or you aren't.

I remember the crazy conversations I had in the process of getting married. I laid my priorities out as follows and to this day no problems yet.

1. Wife

2. Children

3. Children's education

4. Pension/Life Insurance

5. My father

6. My mother

7. My Inlaws

8. My siblings

9. My in laws sick buffalo

Of course emergencies happen, but voluntarily buying houses that you will never live in is an act of generosity beyond family ties unless you are swimming in cash.

Interesting list. What about yourself? I am number 1 priority on my list.

[spiderman2]

To the OP

Why go halfway across the world to marry some girl who may or maynot have an immoral past.

Why not put an advert an a US based dating website for a attractive slim 20 something.

But state quite clearly -

1. You will be paying for private medical care for the parents.

2. Will send the average monthly wage to the girls family.

3. Youll pay 50000 dollars to the girls parents for marrying her, upfront.

4. You will buy the family a luxury house.

5. Youll pay for any problems that arise with the house in the coming years, most notably termites.

6. She will get free tickets to fly half way round the world once or twice a year to see relatives.

7. Youll also be setting up her boyfriend i mean brother in a business.

8. And finally youre very trusting of others and like to make up stories on webforums.

Youll be beating them off with a stick.

Edited November 18, 2008 by spiderman2

[spiderman2]

double post

Edited November 18, 2008 by spiderman2

[sassienie]

Look, it`s all very simple.

You tell your wife, that the only funds now available are for the daily living expenses and no more is going to be sent to her family or for anything else.

I wager that she will be gone in a month.

Beware, she probably has loads of mates that know the system and law, who are expert in taking gullibles to the cleaners. If you have children with her, than you have big, big problems

Let this be a warning to other`s that there are Thai families which have made cleaning a Farang of his assets almost into an industry. This has happened to one of my close friends and a cousin. In both cases the victims brought their Thai wife`s back to the UK, and wifey ended up with a permanant visa for stay in Britain, followed by a British passport, the house and a string of Farang boyfriends, while hubby was left destitute, heartbroken and broke.

Dont forget the English version of sin-sod is sod-off.

Edited November 18, 2008 by sassienie

[dumball]

I think it is obviouse , the wife has nor feels any guilt , just face the facts as presented , she is doing a grand job for her family and must have gained a huge ammount of merit from the villagers .This lady must be revelling in how astute she has become in her BUISNESS dealings and proud she managed to find such a sucker with a large money supply and NO BRAINS .

Sorry sir , you are a prime target for a growing and successfull BUISNESS in Thailand today , get smart , get out .

[Eastender]

Your wife's feelings are natural for a Thai - her parents brought her up and took care of her for most of her early life. As well as wanting a future with you, she wants to help them too. It may help if you go through a budget so she realises how tight your finances are.

My wife wasn't as extreme, but like many of her UK friends has come to realise how relatively expensive things are here, and how if we want a better life, bigger house, we have to save too. How long has your wife been out of Thailand?

[funkymunky]

A week before our wedding, the doctors found a tumor on my wife's spinal cord that needed

immediate surgery. This canceled our Thai ceremony but since I already had the plane tickets I went to be

with her in the hospital. I had already deposited Sin Sod into her bank account (around $7500 US that I'm

still paying the loan for). We decided to leave it in her bank until we could reschedule the wedding.

After her recovery my wife was able to come to the USA and on the very day she left Thailand, her mother had a

fainting spell and was diagnosed with diabetes. Now my wife feels incredibly guilty for leaving her parents

to live in the US. My wife is 29. Her parents are in their early 50's and the dad runs a noodle stand business.

They have some land and rice farm.

My wife was feeling worried about her mom and wanted to go to the hospital with her. After we received the

advanced parole I sent her home to see her mom for 10 days. After my wife came back I found out that they

never actually went to the hospital but her mom was taking some pills for her condition. I also found out that

she gave the Sin Sod money to her mom without us having a Thai ceremony.

Now my wife is working part time at a Thai restaurant and is obsessed with buying her parents a new house. They

already have a house but it seems their old house has a termite problem. She would like to save 600,000 baht for this.

This is in addition to the 10,000 baht I have been sending every month. This means she would be saving most of

her paycheck and tips for her parents instead of contributing to our household. I am by not means rich and could

use the help. My wife is extremely emotional about the issue of helping her parents. If I try to talk it through

with her I will get crying, silent treatment, and flat out anger. Not one word can be said against her parents. She tells

me I married a Thai and have to accept this. I suggested buying some rental property and giving to her parents for

residual income, or buy another noodle stand for her brother to make money and ease the burden on us. NO, only a

new house could save her parents.

My wife has many wonderful qualities, but I feel that my she is the victim of her mom's manipulation. This guilt is

putting a lot of strain on our finances. How the hel_l to deal with this...

[Dakhar]

The OP is an ATM

My dady always said, when you step in dog S***, clean your shoes off and move on.

I did not give my wife Sin Sod, I never even heard of it when we got married. She latter told me her mother expected 60K USD. I had a hard time controlling the laughter. I about pissed myself. I said, OK sure fine 60K, but what do you bring to the party? What do you contribute to this marriage, family, what do you stand to inherit, what is your average earnings? That was met with silence....

Any time one of her family members approached us for money, the first comment was, sure fine, as soon as they put their land up for colateral.... Her resonse was they never will, and my response was then I never will loan the money.

My point is, the OP has never set up boundaries..... and his marraige is going to FLUSH down the toilet with what money he does have real soon.

My advice is to ditch the *****

[Misplaced]

If the op is for real and not another troll post, I bet he's feeling great with himself right about now. It feels great to have everyone in a forum disrespected your wife doesn't it? However it sure made things interesting on TV...

Great question op!

[bruceboy]

I wonder if we will ever hear from Yager again?

[mc2]

Money and lies in any relationship means that it will probably end in tears I am afraid. Either you two as the husband and wife and children probably to come are priority number one in the house or you aren't.

I remember the crazy conversations I had in the process of getting married. I laid my priorities out as follows and to this day no problems yet.

1. Wife

2. Children

3. Children's education

4. Pension/Life Insurance

5. My father

6. My mother

7. My Inlaws

8. My siblings

9. My in laws sick buffalo

Of course emergencies happen, but voluntarily buying houses that you will never live in is an act of generosity beyond family ties unless you are swimming in cash.

Interesting list. What about yourself? I am number 1 priority on my list.

I appreciate your honesty ,

[spiderman2]

My wife wasn't as extreme, but like many of her UK friends has come to realise how relatively expensive things are here, and how if we want a better life, bigger house, we have to save too. How long has your wife been out of Thailand?

Read the post soppyone his breadknife hasnt been out of Thailand, and doesnt have friends in the UK or England i call it.

Also his wife isnt into saving, she prefers talking ol lover boy into parting from his hard earned to buy a bigger house overnight, <deleted> me if i could do that i would.

I wish useless farangs would stop falling in love with prostitutes, then kids who are a cut above like me would have a little more faith in the non pro's then i do, not that i am looking for a Thai chick.

[Arthurpint]

Funky munkey are u serious??? You should check out the claims the family are making. Are u in the Us A or in Thailand now? I had similar experiences with my wife but everything rang true with the familys problems. Give it time mate

[MrPot]

Find out the truth mate, sounds silly but I know people who have been stung by the buffalo claim, tho I'd be happier to buy a buffalo than a house

[thaihome]

Sounds to me that the OP has not been real successful in setting up real communication with his wife. This talk of her money, he needs the help, etc just sounds like two people living together without any real commitment to fully share their lives.

The suggestion to sit down and really talk about the financial situation and deal with it as two people together instead of as separate individuals is a really good idea. Otherwise, they will just continue to drift apart as the resentment builds up on both sides.

TH

[Beacher]

I think the best advice is from those who say to tell your wife that emergencies have arisen in your own family, and that you (as a couple) need to help them now. As pointed out, family commitment is a very large part of Thai culture, so she should easily understand, and if she truly has feelings for you, she will comply without complaint. Of course, if she pulls the usual tantrum and/or silence treatment you've described, I hate to tell you (as many other posters here have) that your marriage is in trouble and you should run away as quickly as possible.

Perhaps I'm just feeding a TROLL with this post, but for the amount of time it takes, it's no big deal. Also, even if the OP is a TROLL, the sincere advice we've given might help someone who is genuinely in a similar situation. Gawd knows, there are enough farang who have been bamboozled by Thai women and then dumped by the side of the proverbial road.

I think the real indicator of whether or not the OP is a TROLL is if he replies. No reply, then he's obviously a TROLL, If he replies with something thoughtful and thanks people, then perhaps he's for real.

Edited November 19, 2008 by Beacher

[Thai at Heart]

Money and lies in any relationship means that it will probably end in tears I am afraid. Either you two as the husband and wife and children probably to come are priority number one in the house or you aren't.

I remember the crazy conversations I had in the process of getting married. I laid my priorities out as follows and to this day no problems yet.

1. Wife

2. Children

3. Children's education

4. Pension/Life Insurance

5. My father

6. My mother

7. My Inlaws

8. My siblings

9. My in laws sick buffalo

Of course emergencies happen, but voluntarily buying houses that you will never live in is an act of generosity beyond family ties unless you are swimming in cash.

Interesting list. What about yourself? I am number 1 priority on my list.

I vary between number 1 and 3 depending on what is left in the kitty. As someone mentioned, getting into this situation without setting boundaries is an absolute recipe for disaster. We broke all the rules associated with courtship in Thailand but it at least gave us a chance to work out all the cultural foibles and despite being very much in love it pays to get all of one's ducks in a row before taking the plunge.

I definitely wasn't a newbie by any stretch, but after 8 years of marriage and 2 kids I have a great marriage and a good relationship with the in-laws. Of course we help out, and have had the odd emergency where I have helped out. It was very important for them to understand that western priorities work downwards in generations towards kids and not upwards to elders. This is the way I feel and I couldn't live any other way.

[LeungKen]

No further input from the original poster. I wonder if there is something suspicious about this thread.....

[Moonrakers]

Why on Earth do people troll like this? What on Earth do they gain from it?

There really is some sad cases out there.

[MrPot]

I have no interest in trolling, why act like a moron and gain nothing? Forums are meant to be fun and informative

[bkkjames]

Why on Earth do people troll like this? What on Earth do they gain from it?

There really is some sad cases out there.

People like this get off by trolling. They sit in their curtained 4000 baht a month studios on the edge of reality and get aroused at the sight of people responding to their posts.

Sad but true. Just pity them.

[MrPot]

People really dream up these imaginary troll OPs for ages, which is very sad. This OP obviously had alot of time on his hands to dream that up and seems to of been a fairly decent attempt judging by the responses

[Beacher]

Why on Earth do people troll like this? What on Earth do they gain from it?

There really is some sad cases out there.

People like this get off by trolling. They sit in their curtained 4000 baht a month studios on the edge of reality and get aroused at the sight of people responding to their posts.

Sad but true. Just pity them.

Yes, it really is sad isn't it? -- no life, no friends, no money, no future...

Perhaps we can salvage something here and turn this thread into one about the the miserably depressing existence of the average TROLL. actually, I guess that IS what's happened.

Edited November 19, 2008 by Beacher

[Tod Daniels]

Sadly once a foreigner starts down the slippery slope of contributing money to their (in)significant other's family's welfare and/or support it never seems to stop. Trying to curtail the contribution seems to bring out the "drama-queen" in almost every thai woman with a foreign husband situation I have seen. .

Most certainly her family wasn't destitute and obviously living at least a semi normal up-country thai lifestyle before the influx of your cash started. Why would you contribute ANYTHING for their wellbeing? Even if I had a wife (which I don't) I wouldn't give their family 10 satang a month let alone 10,000 <deleted>' baht.

Unfortunately it seems you were already brain-washed into buying into the all mysterious and encompassing myth of "thai culture"; where you are expected to take care of her family in the form of financial contributions while they do nothing in return. (a brilliant strategy on the part of the thais IF you buy into it)

I do find it strange the O/P has been noticeably absent in this thread; especially given the teen angst, teeth-gnashing and hand wringing in his post.

If in fact the previous posters ascertained the O/P is a troll, I still stand by my advice;

don't EVER start giving thais money for nothing.

[Jai Dee]

Topic temporarily closed pending moderation action.

/Closed.

[soundman]

Topic will remain closed as I think the OP (who doesn't appear interested anyway) has received enough advice on his situation.

Closed.