Thai G/f Moving In With Me In Bkk

[DMasut]

WHY WOULD ANY FARANG MALE HAVE A GF MOVE IN WITH HIM?!?!

This isn't America I understand..and she "loves you like no other"..FOR NOW...

But...

WOULD YOU GO TO THE NORTH POLE AND KEEP A SNOW BALL IN YOUR IGLOO WHEN YOU HAVE ALL THE SNOW JUST OUTSIDE?

WOULD YOU BRING YOUR OWN 50 KG. BAG OF SAND TO THE BEACH?

I understand that being American you are used to women "brow beating you" for the things they want for that moist little spot just a little south. I understand that you are EXPECTED to GIVE BEFORE YOU GET....

BUT IF YOU WERE A DAIRY FARMER WOULD YOU GIVE A COW TO EVERY CUSTOMER THAT WANTED A GALLON OF MILK?

1. Be respectful of all Thai women you meet.

2. Don't... no... NEVER TRY TO BE THE HERO and PAY FOR THINGS YOU NORMALLY WOULDN'T PAY FOR BACK AT HOME.

In you present state of delusion...

I recommend one of several options...

1. Get the ensuing suffering over with by just giving her all of your money and possessions now so you won't feel so stupid later... because you can say... I KNOWINGLY GAVE THOSE THINGS NEVER EXPECTING TO EVER SEE ANYTHING IN RETURN...

2. KEEP YOUR EYES WIDE OPEN FOR THE FIRST 'GRACEFUL' OPPORTUNITY YOU GET TO REMOVE YOURSELF FROM THE SITUATION.

3. RUN FORREST RUN!!!!! NO NO I MEANT IT RUN!!!!

If you don't believe me, ask ANY farang living in Thailand that is married, living with a women for more that 3 years and still happy.

IF, you find that person... please email their name and phone number to me.... I want to meet them.

If you lived in Thailand for over 5 years... and knew the girl the whole time... and got to observe her everyday...you might have a chance....

But you are the new "cherry" waiting to be deflowered.

In Advance.... I'M SORRY FOR YOUR LOSES, PAIN AND SUFFERING.

Sincerely yours,

Mr. Optimistic.

[DMasut]

P.S. If you want to Opt. for a less painful option...

YOU CAN ALWAYS GO TO IRAQ AND GET SHOT IN BOTH KNEES AS A LESS PAINFUL WAY TO LIVE.

[najman]

I think there is too many pesimistic repsonses here about "running for your life" and "don't give her the key". These are the kind of things people with ex bar girl gf's or gold diggers would say.

Your gf sounds similar to mine in that your relatiohsip is more balanced and closer to a thai/thai relationship in sharing expenses, meeting the family and friends and her parents not being comfortable with her living with a man before marriage. These are normal worries from parents who try to uphold thai tradition.

Your chances are obviouly much higher with a girl you endevour to have a normal relationship with and your age difference being much closer. It is important to keep the relationship going in a way that she would expect in a thai/thai relationship. As soon as you start paying for everthing and giving her money it becomes a rich farang/thai girl relationship which becomes something strange in her mind and those around her and she starts wanting more money - starts using you and things like that.

I stayed with my gf for 3 months (I'll be going back for much longer in June) in an appartment similar size to yours expect we had a TV. To be honest she rarely watched those soap operas, only sometimes when her friends wanted to watch, at which point I would do something on my laptop. Usually I just made fun of those shows and asked questions like "Why hasn't she died yet? she was supposed to die in the last episode". She got the idea what i thought about soap opera's. Basically we just shared TV time without really discussing it. I would let her watch what she wanted and she would let me watch what i wanted.

We were both pretty tidy but not overly so. When she started cleaning I would help. When i started cleaning she would help. I would usually do the more complicated cleaning such as mopping the floor or scrubbing the shower since I know she was never taught how to do those things. I would recommend getting a TV for her sake if she is used to watching a bit. unless she is fine with not watching.

I dont know about cooking food coz we only ordered it or went out to buy it. At around $1 a meal it's hardly a saving to cook it yourself. If she wants to cook for you sometimes thats a great gesture. Perhaps finding a place with a kitchen would be better.

Make sure you always take off your shoes when entering at all times, to not do so is strange to thai people and would be like walking into a western home with mud on your boots.

Regarding her english: She will learn pretty fast to understand you livng with you. If you see she looks puzzled about what you said or you think she didnt understand something try to work out what it is and explain it in a different way. Don't expect her to tell you when she didnt understand something. Her body language will tell you more than her words. Same goes with when she doesnt understand something you do or something that displeases her. She will show it in some way rather than tell you.

Don't be too obliging with everything. Be yourself and adjust yourself as you see fit. She will do the same more than likely when she is serious about a relationship.

When she does something wrong don't expect her to say sorry (unless it's really bad). If she knows it displeases you and you mention it, more than likely she will adjust herself and doesnt need a lecture about it.

I found that when my gf did something wrong and i said so she would go quiet and not talk about it. Just leave it at that and she will think about it herself and change herself. Don't continue to look displeased. Just change the subject and get into doing something else. I've found thai's have a short attention span and don't tend to dwell on things. Theres no point and I actually am starting to like that about them.

Don't let her get away with anything strange, if you let her walk all over you she will continue to do so. All girls test the boundries of the relationship at the start so dont let her get away with anything you dont agree with or she will continue to do it. Don't worry coz she will let you know about the things she doesn't like one way or another. So don't be affriad to do the same. But always keep it light and don't try to get into involved conversations about those things as to her it is not neccessary and over the top in her mind. Don't get hung up on any of that as your obvious upset when you keep it on your mind and show it will be observed by her as unhappiness with her and she will begin to think you don't like her and may start thinking she should leave. So point something out and then forget it. Only if it keeps coming up would you then seek to discuss it in detail. But don't expect her willingness to get into long discussions about her weaknesses or bad habits. In her mind trying to discuss it in detail is just making her wrong and wont have any benefit.

Most other things you will just work out for yourself. Have a good time. Keep her happy. And make a good effort to understand her and her culture. Don't expect her to become a westerner. We think we have the best solution for everything. Sometimes we do, sometimes we don't. She will do it her way and you will do it your way. Keep an open mind. You'll find she does things differently and you'll think its wrong because of your western thinking. Try to think like her and ou might learn something.

I wish you all the best

[edwardandtubs]

Nice stream of consciousness there najman.

Seriously, there are some very good thoughts in that long post. I would summarise it as saying don't let stupid shit get in the way of building a good relationship.

[lounger]

Wondering if there was any advice or things I should know in advance for this transition.

==============================

Why in the world do you want to be with someone that you don't trust 100% or you don't understand 100%? F that really!

================================

This is the first sensible comment. The question is pretty stupid and the answers probably putting your (Zens ) back up. When people hear my stories they come out with the classic 'That wont happen to me!!' But it does happen and there is no protecting against it UNLESS the people in the relationship put eachother first. The Thai will never put the partner first because they are working the culture that places community above self. That means they will laugh at your problems ( maybe not out loud)

They say Mai ben rai ( never mind) when you are the one hurt etc.

If you have trust then that should prevent certain problems, like: the brother who wants to stay is actually her husband. The sisters baby is actually their own...

Most Farangs picking up a girl are not only getting a bedmate but often more importantly a translator. In my case the wife is my go between. Between me and the shop keepers the telephone companies, the local authority etc. She is a companion but not a true friend. Her role is essential but not irreplacable. She gets an allowance but cant screw me. So if the question is do I have to love her to bits. The answer is 'its better if you dont'.

The other thing to bring out in the open at the beginning is the house rules. What happens when the inevitable person wanting a loan/ to-borrow-the-car appears?

If anyone is going to be a butterfly or cheap charlie sort it before moving in together

[andyc2006]

Y'all are scaring me.

My wife is Thai... should I ask her to move out?

[tracer5050]

Been there , done that. Get a bigger place so you can have some alone time. But good luck anyway

[henryalleman]

To be honest ZenTraveller, I do find it a little unsettling when people need to ask for advice as to how to handle girlfriends, and on an internet forum?? How on earth do you expect to conduct a philosophical debate with your girlfriend when english is not her mother tongue? Have you taken the time to learn Thai, and tried to conduct such a debate with her in her own language?? ...mmmmm let me guess...No! It's difficult isn't it, and equally so for her and her friends.

I do not mean to be rude, but you do sound a little bit like Dr Spock off Star Treck (are you a fan?). You need to relax and let the exprience of being with this girl flourish in it's own way. Why do you need to canvass the ideas of unknown folks on the internet, some of whom will be grumpy people with bad experiences or read crappy books that were written in a style to ensure people buy copies? What is the point of reading Thai Fever, what do you expect to get from it? It is the experiences of one person.

Let your relationship go the way it wants to go, and do not heed the advice of others who know neither you or your girlfriend or your respective situations.

Besides the comments that 30 sg m is rather small for 2 people living together this is the most sensible comment of all. I also wonder why people ask advice from total strangers about their personals. Could it be a sign of immaturity?

[skullyman2727]

I am an American who moved to Bangkok a month ago. I have a studio (one room) 30 sq m. apartment on late Sukhumvit. My Thai girlfriend graduates from her Uni in the Bangkok outskirts in two weeks and then will be moving in with me. Wondering if there was any advice or things I should know in advance for this transition.

She tends to be a little messy with her belongings and wants to cook for me which isn't allowed in the apartments. I haven't read ''Thailand Fever'' yet and we're still working on the American English/Thai language barrier. She has studied English for many years and her B.A. is in English. She is trying to obtain a job as a Flight Attendant as she is taking weekend courses at a FA School. She doesn't live off of me financially and we're splitting the rent.

Thanks for any advice!

Zen.

well for starters 30 sq.m. is too small for 2 people,you'll end up going crazy,so get a bigger place.

[skullyman2727]

Don't do it !!!!!!!!!!!

I am an American who moved to Bangkok a month ago. I have a studio (one room) 30 sq m. apartment on late Sukhumvit. My Thai girlfriend graduates from her Uni in the Bangkok outskirts in two weeks and then will be moving in with me. Wondering if there was any advice or things I should know in advance for this transition.

She tends to be a little messy with her belongings and wants to cook for me which isn't allowed in the apartments. I haven't read ''Thailand Fever'' yet and we're still working on the American English/Thai language barrier. She has studied English for many years and her B.A. is in English. She is trying to obtain a job as a Flight Attendant as she is taking weekend courses at a FA School. She doesn't live off of me financially and we're splitting the rent.

Thanks for any advice!

Zen.

[torrenova]

Reading between the lines I guess the OP is in a major budget place, perhaps like 4/5k a month. Sounds like it with the cooking and TV dramas.

The smallest place I lived with a girl was a condo of 46sqm (studio) with balcony. That also had 2 pools, a restaurant and shop / laundry etc. We also had a kitchenette, bought a kettle, toaster, microwave etc. 46sqm was just about big enough for the bed area to be separated from the living area. 30sqm is barely liveable for one.

She must have some cash so get her to pony up some rent money. Get a bigger place.

Also, how long have they been together ? I'm betting the month he's been in Bangkok.

[scottyd]

Y'all are scaring me.

My wife is Thai... should I ask her to move out?

Yes, for God's sake man, save yourself! Those Thai women be the Devil!

[WISteve]

.....WOULD YOU BRING YOUR OWN 50 KG. BAG OF SAND TO THE BEACH?.....

Mr. Optimistic.

Sooooooooo.......you like 'em on the chubby side DMasut?

---------------------

Good luck to you Zen but remember a few " rules of the road" that I learned when a thai/falang relationship went south for me:

-Anything acquired while you were together which ever passed through the doorway to the apartment is hers.

-Most thai friends you make together will NOT be your friends after the fact.

-A fair few falang friends of yours who you had before the relationship started will no longer be your friends.

-Be prepared to change your habits, environment and travel patterns completely.

-If it's going to end, do it quickly, quietly but decisively.

-Never look back; they do not for the most part and second thoughts are an alien notion to thais from my experience.

I hope you enjoy your time in Thailand.

~WISteve

[callum06]

Whats happened to all the men on the forum?? In the past 2 weeks there have been loads of threads on the same topic asking for advice grow a set and decide for yourself

ADVICE: If she is fat turn the lights out while in bed together.

[cymruambyth1]

Be prepared to do a runner and abandon the apartment if you want to break up with her.

Theres been so many a story here in LOS about this type of thing. Most people start off with that ole "Naa, it won't happen to me" type of attitude.

By the end of it they are wishing they lived in fort knox with armed security personnel.

I am currently going through this.

RUN...and RUN NOW!!!!!! DO NOT LOOK BACK!!!

[Shotime]

Warmwater7, that post was legendary, the first two sentences had me staring at them blankly, I think they actually blew my mind. It hurts me to look at them. Please help me.

I'm going directly to him (warmwater) (Injun name?) for advice and. maybe , a loan.

Other than the place, maybe,being too small, the rest of it is simply enjoy yourself. You obviously are seeing this through, so you'll learn some things that will only help you in many ways. There are certain Thai "cultural" differences which do crop up on an as needed basis. When these do occur, just remember, you have some"cultural" quirks which she will have to learn to accommodate, also.

[scottyd]

Warmwater7, that post was legendary, the first two sentences had me staring at them blankly, I think they actually blew my mind. It hurts me to look at them. Please help me.

I'm going directly to him (warmwater) (Injun name?) for advice and. maybe , a loan.

I'm not saying you shouldn't, and I am not insulting the man's intelligence or his wisdom, just I feel for that post he must have used his elbows to type.

Edited February 23, 2009 by scottyd

[najman]

Nice stream of consciousness there najman.

Seriously, there are some very good thoughts in that long post. I would summarise it as saying don't let stupid shit get in the way of building a good relationship.

LOL, exactly what I was trying to say Don't do stupid sh1t and don't let her do stupid sh1t

And don't let others around you do crazy sh1t.

[Africanteacher]

Good luck man. I suppose you've heard it all in here. Thai girls are known to be drama and you're most likely to come head-on with that. You've been in Bangkok for a month. I'm not sure if you were in Thailand before then, but I would advice you to get to learn more about her before you make the move. Good luck.

[Africanteacher]

Good luck man. I suppose you've heard it all in here. Thai girls are known to be drama and you're most likely to come head-on with that. You've been in Bangkok for a month. I'm not sure if you were in Thailand before then, but I would advice you to get to learn more about her before you make the move. Good luck again.

[neverdie]

Be prepared to do a runner and abandon the apartment if you want to break up with her.

Theres been so many a story here in LOS about this type of thing. Most people start off with that ole "Naa, it won't happen to me" type of attitude.

By the end of it they are wishing they lived in fort knox with armed security personnel.

I am currently going through this.

RUN...and RUN NOW!!!!!! DO NOT LOOK BACK!!!

TOLD YOU SO. You see, I not tell lie & this man isnt the first and won't be the last.

Keep fit & get ready to RUN, DON'T LOOK BACK, JUST RUN!

[geriatrickid]

Good luck to you Zen but remember a few " rules of the road" that I learned when a thai/falang relationship went south for me:

-Anything acquired while you were together which ever passed through the doorway to the apartment is hers.

-Most thai friends you make together will NOT be your friends after the fact.

-A fair few falang friends of yours who you had before the relationship started will no longer be your friends.

-Be prepared to change your habits, environment and travel patterns completely.

-If it's going to end, do it quickly, quietly but decisively.

-Never look back; they do not for the most part and second thoughts are an alien notion to thais from my experience.

~WISteve

I think this is one of the most honest and concise assessments I have ever read for one of these threads.

[Shotime]

Good luck to you Zen but remember a few " rules of the road" that I learned when a thai/falang relationship went south for me:

-Anything acquired while you were together which ever passed through the doorway to the apartment is hers.

-Most thai friends you make together will NOT be your friends after the fact.

-A fair few falang friends of yours who you had before the relationship started will no longer be your friends.

-Be prepared to change your habits, environment and travel patterns completely.

-If it's going to end, do it quickly, quietly but decisively.

-Never look back; they do not for the most part and second thoughts are an alien notion to thais from my experience.

~WISteve

I think this is one of the most honest and concise assessments I have ever read for one of these threads.

Maybe honest and concise, but somewhat bitter.

[Kf6vci]

Well, time will tell. It is better to love and get burnt than not dare to risk something and stay a hermit crab.

If she pays half the rent, there is a chance this is not the usual gold digging.

give it a try, or else who will wonder when you are an old man how this would have been

Good luck!

[Brigante7]

I hope you have known her for a reasonable time and you know she is stable and trustworthy. I once shared an apt with a Thai girl once & she took off with all the stuff one morning, while I was gone. I am also surprised you may have communication problems, if she is a uni grad with an English major. They are the one catagory of Thai, who usually have a reasonable command of Englsih. One room apt also pretty tight for two on al full-time basis. Good luck.

I have known her since March of last year (almost a year now) and we've been dating since beginning of September (almost 7 months). She is truthworthy and I have met her main friends and her family twice. I don't have anything worth taking aside from my laptop and digi.

It seems that people who go to college for English here in Thailand don't really know a lot of English. I talk to her friends, all in the same English faculty and she has to translate for me with them all. She has studied English longer than her friends, prior to college, but English here seems to be standard or international without any understanding of American humor, metaphors, innuendos, analogies, figure of speech, etc. Such as I can't have a philosophical debate with her or use wisdom or quotes when talking to her... which greatly lessons what I say since that is how I speak usually.

Just be thankfull you can comunicate with each other, it took my wife and I about 2 months to get in to a routine where we could have a conversation with each other as opposed to only asking questions and making statements. If all else fails there is always the universal language of love, just remind her it's not polite to speak with............... No I'll just leave it there.

[desertrat]

Baffles me why anyone has to look for advice on this sort of thing, bit like those people who write to the Agony Aunts

"Can I wear brown shoes.......etc"

It's not the moving in that's a problem, it's the moving out.

Edited February 25, 2009 by desertrat

[ZenTraveler]

I think you'll do fine, just use the principals of the "dynamic sphere" and may the force be with you.

Thank you.

Peace,

Zen.

[ZenTraveler]

Thank you. These are the responses I like.

She is not a bar girl or a gold digger everyone.

Peace,

Zen.

I think there is too many pesimistic repsonses here about "running for your life" and "don't give her the key". These are the kind of things people with ex bar girl gf's or gold diggers would say.

Your gf sounds similar to mine in that your relatiohsip is more balanced and closer to a thai/thai relationship in sharing expenses, meeting the family and friends and her parents not being comfortable with her living with a man before marriage. These are normal worries from parents who try to uphold thai tradition.

Your chances are obviouly much higher with a girl you endevour to have a normal relationship with and your age difference being much closer. It is important to keep the relationship going in a way that she would expect in a thai/thai relationship. As soon as you start paying for everthing and giving her money it becomes a rich farang/thai girl relationship which becomes something strange in her mind and those around her and she starts wanting more money - starts using you and things like that.

I stayed with my gf for 3 months (I'll be going back for much longer in June) in an appartment similar size to yours expect we had a TV. To be honest she rarely watched those soap operas, only sometimes when her friends wanted to watch, at which point I would do something on my laptop. Usually I just made fun of those shows and asked questions like "Why hasn't she died yet? she was supposed to die in the last episode". She got the idea what i thought about soap opera's. Basically we just shared TV time without really discussing it. I would let her watch what she wanted and she would let me watch what i wanted.

We were both pretty tidy but not overly so. When she started cleaning I would help. When i started cleaning she would help. I would usually do the more complicated cleaning such as mopping the floor or scrubbing the shower since I know she was never taught how to do those things. I would recommend getting a TV for her sake if she is used to watching a bit. unless she is fine with not watching.

I dont know about cooking food coz we only ordered it or went out to buy it. At around $1 a meal it's hardly a saving to cook it yourself. If she wants to cook for you sometimes thats a great gesture. Perhaps finding a place with a kitchen would be better.

Make sure you always take off your shoes when entering at all times, to not do so is strange to thai people and would be like walking into a western home with mud on your boots.

Regarding her english: She will learn pretty fast to understand you livng with you. If you see she looks puzzled about what you said or you think she didnt understand something try to work out what it is and explain it in a different way. Don't expect her to tell you when she didnt understand something. Her body language will tell you more than her words. Same goes with when she doesnt understand something you do or something that displeases her. She will show it in some way rather than tell you.

Don't be too obliging with everything. Be yourself and adjust yourself as you see fit. She will do the same more than likely when she is serious about a relationship.

When she does something wrong don't expect her to say sorry (unless it's really bad). If she knows it displeases you and you mention it, more than likely she will adjust herself and doesnt need a lecture about it.

I found that when my gf did something wrong and i said so she would go quiet and not talk about it. Just leave it at that and she will think about it herself and change herself. Don't continue to look displeased. Just change the subject and get into doing something else. I've found thai's have a short attention span and don't tend to dwell on things. Theres no point and I actually am starting to like that about them.

Don't let her get away with anything strange, if you let her walk all over you she will continue to do so. All girls test the boundries of the relationship at the start so dont let her get away with anything you dont agree with or she will continue to do it. Don't worry coz she will let you know about the things she doesn't like one way or another. So don't be affriad to do the same. But always keep it light and don't try to get into involved conversations about those things as to her it is not neccessary and over the top in her mind. Don't get hung up on any of that as your obvious upset when you keep it on your mind and show it will be observed by her as unhappiness with her and she will begin to think you don't like her and may start thinking she should leave. So point something out and then forget it. Only if it keeps coming up would you then seek to discuss it in detail. But don't expect her willingness to get into long discussions about her weaknesses or bad habits. In her mind trying to discuss it in detail is just making her wrong and wont have any benefit.

Most other things you will just work out for yourself. Have a good time. Keep her happy. And make a good effort to understand her and her culture. Don't expect her to become a westerner. We think we have the best solution for everything. Sometimes we do, sometimes we don't. She will do it her way and you will do it your way. Keep an open mind. You'll find she does things differently and you'll think its wrong because of your western thinking. Try to think like her and ou might learn something.

I wish you all the best

[samuibeachcomber]

yes that is a very good reply from namjan...............i got reminded of a few do's and dont's too.

[candoman89]

I and only offer 2 bits of advice........

1. Insist on one night out a week with the boys.

2. Don't spend your one free night out with the boys

seriously; be the boss but be flexible.