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Posted
Something to think about -

If you are ready for the adventure of a lifetime, TRY THIS:

Enter Pakistan, Afghanistan, Indonesia, Malaysia or Iraq illegally. Never mind immigration quotas, visas, international law, or any of that nonsense.

Once there, demand that the local government provide free medical care for you and your entire family.

Demand bilingual nurses and doctors. Demand free bilingual local government forms, bulletins, etc. Procreate abundantly.

Deflect any criticism of this allegedly irresponsible reproductive behaviour with, "It is a cultural thing; you wouldn't understand mate."

Keep your Australian identity strong.

Fly the your national flag from your rooftop, or proudly display it in your

front window or on your car bumper.

Speak only English at home and in public and insist that your children do likewise.

Demand classes on English and Australian culture in the Muslim school system.

Demand a local Country driver license. This will afford other legal rights and will go far to legitimise your unauthorised, illegal, presence in Pakistan, Afghanistan, Indonesia, Malaysia or Iraq.

Drive around with no liability insurance and ignore local traffic laws.

Insist that local Country, law enforcement teach English to all its officers.

Good luck! You'll soon be dead.

Because it will never happen in Pakistan, Afghanistan, Indonesia, Malaysia

or Iraq or any other country in the world except right here in Australia.

For we are run by soft, politically correct politicians, that are too

scared to "offend" anyone.

If you agree, pass it on.

If you don't, go ahead and try the above in Pakistan, Afghanistan, Indonesia, Malaysia or Iraq - and the best of luck.

Try England, mate. All information leaflets in the Job Centres and NHS Hospitals are printed in five different Indian languages as well as Serbian, Croatian and Bulgarian.

Here's a whinge from a soap-dodger - I've spent all day reading through this thread - wasted nine hours on it (had to stop for lunch).

Thank goodness I was at work. Couldn't have done it in free time.

Posted
What's the difference between Aussies and pigs?

Pigs don't turn into Aussies when they drink.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What's the difference between an Australian and a computer?

You only have to punch information into a computer once.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why do birds fly upside down over Australia?

It's not worth shitting on.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why was the Christ child not born in Australia?

You'd have a job finding three wise men, much less a virgin!!!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What do you call a field full of Australians?

A vacant lot.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

An Englishman, an Irishman, an Australian and a New Zealander were in a plane, getting ready to make their first parachute jump.

The Englishman's exit was spectacular; he leapt out of the plane with the cry, " I am doing this for my country....."

The Irishman leapt out immediately afterwards, calling out the same words.

Then the New Zealanders ripped the parachute off the Australian, pushed him out the plane and cried" I'm doing this for my country....."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Most Australians aren't too good at history. For example, they think Gandhi's first name was Goosey Goosey.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

How do you define 144 Australians?

Gross stupidity.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Aussie pilot, when asked for his height and position, replied, "I'm 5'11" and sitting in the front seat."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What do you call an Aussie who scores well in an IQ test?

A cheat.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

An Aussie is proof that God has a sense of humour.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What do you call an Aussie with half a brain?

Gifted

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

If Santa Claus, a smart Aussie and a dumb blonde were in a room, and you tossed in a hundred dollar note, who would grab it first?

The blonde - the other two don't exist.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

How many Aussies does it take to make chocolate chip cookies?

Ten. One to make the batter, and nine to peel the Smarties.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What should you do if an Aussie throws a grenade at you?

Pull the pin and throw it back.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Did you hear about the Aussie who had a brain transplant?

The brain rejected him a week later.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What's the difference between yoghurt and Australians?

At least yoghurt starts with a little culture.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What does an Australian girl use for protection during sex?

A bus shelter.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Newsflash! Paul Keating's library burned down at the weekend and two books were destroyed! The real tragedy was that he hadn't finished colouring in one of them.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

There's a Japanese firm that has developed a camera with a shutter speed so fast it can actually catch an Aussie with his mouth shut

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

An Australian is someone who thinks that the three major political parties in Australia are Labour, Liberal and Cocktail.

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Did you know that New Zealanders who emigrate to Australia raise the average IQ of both countries?

Iasked an aussie " whats a hindu ' ,he replies "lays eggs dunnee ? "
Posted

A study found that the average Australian walks about 900 miles per year.

Another study found that Australians drink an average of 22 gallons of beer per year.

That means on average, Australians get 41 miles per gallon.

Isn't that great?

  • 3 weeks later...
Posted

RSPCA tees off on 'toad golf' promo

THE RSPCA has described as irresponsible advertising on beer stubby holders that promotes "cane toad golf".

The Townsville City Council produced several hundred stubby coolers for its $270,000 campaign showcasing "all the great things about Townsville and the people who live here", a council spokeswoman said.

RSPCA Queensland spokesman Michael Beatty said the merchandise encouraged animal cruelty.

"We just don't want to encourage anyone to go hitting any animal, even if it is a cane toad, with a golf club, a baseball bat, a cricket bat or any other form of blunt instrument," Mr Beatty said.

Townsville mayor Tony Mooney said the slogans were intended to be humorous.

** For those who don't know what a cane toad is:

post-6192-1181468125_thumb.jpg

Peter

Posted
What's the difference between Aussies and pigs?

Pigs don't turn into Aussies when they drink.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What's the difference between an Australian and a computer?

You only have to punch information into a computer once.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why do birds fly upside down over Australia?

It's not worth shitting on.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why was the Christ child not born in Australia?

You'd have a job finding three wise men, much less a virgin!!!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What do you call a field full of Australians?

A vacant lot.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

An Englishman, an Irishman, an Australian and a New Zealander were in a plane, getting ready to make their first parachute jump.

The Englishman's exit was spectacular; he leapt out of the plane with the cry, " I am doing this for my country....."

The Irishman leapt out immediately afterwards, calling out the same words.

Then the New Zealanders ripped the parachute off the Australian, pushed him out the plane and cried" I'm doing this for my country....."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Most Australians aren't too good at history. For example, they think Gandhi's first name was Goosey Goosey.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

How do you define 144 Australians?

Gross stupidity.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Aussie pilot, when asked for his height and position, replied, "I'm 5'11" and sitting in the front seat."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What do you call an Aussie who scores well in an IQ test?

A cheat.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

An Aussie is proof that God has a sense of humour.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What do you call an Aussie with half a brain?

Gifted

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

If Santa Claus, a smart Aussie and a dumb blonde were in a room, and you tossed in a hundred dollar note, who would grab it first?

The blonde - the other two don't exist.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

How many Aussies does it take to make chocolate chip cookies?

Ten. One to make the batter, and nine to peel the Smarties.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What should you do if an Aussie throws a grenade at you?

Pull the pin and throw it back.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Did you hear about the Aussie who had a brain transplant?

The brain rejected him a week later.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What's the difference between yoghurt and Australians?

At least yoghurt starts with a little culture.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What does an Australian girl use for protection during sex?

A bus shelter.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Newsflash! Paul Keating's library burned down at the weekend and two books were destroyed! The real tragedy was that he hadn't finished colouring in one of them.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

There's a Japanese firm that has developed a camera with a shutter speed so fast it can actually catch an Aussie with his mouth shut

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

An Australian is someone who thinks that the three major political parties in Australia are Labour, Liberal and Cocktail.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Did you know that New Zealanders who emigrate to Australia raise the average IQ of both countries?

Iasked an aussie " whats a hindu ' ,he replies "lays eggs dunnee ? "

all recycled kiwi and soapdodger jokes, get some original material :o

Posted

Four men were being interviewed for a job.

The interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?"

The first man replied, "A thought. It pops into your head, there's no forewarning that it's on the way; it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of."

"That's very good," replied the interviewer.

"And now you, sir," he asked the second man.

"Hmmm, let me see..... a blink!," said the second man. "It comes and goes and you don't know it ever happened. A blink is the fastest thing I know of."

"Excellent!", said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye. That's a very popular cliché for speed." He then turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply.

"Well, out on my dad's property, you step out of the house and on the wall there is a light switch. When you flip that switch, way across the paddock the light at the barn comes on in an instant. Turning on a light is the fastest thing I can think of."

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light.", he said.

Turning to the fourth man, an Australian, he posed the same question.

"After hearing the three previous answers, it's obvious to me the fastest thing known is diarrhoea," said the Aussie.

"What!" said the interviewer, stunned by the response?

"Oh, I can explain," said the Aussie, "You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so well and ran for the bathroom. But, before I could, think, blink, or turn on the light, I shit my pants."

He got the job....................

  • 2 weeks later...
Posted

A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo.

Knowing that he could hop high, the zoo officials put up a ten-foot fence. He was out the next morning, just sauntering around the zoo.

A twenty-foot fence was put up. Again he go out.

When the fence was forty feet high, a camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo, “How high do you think they’ll go?”

The kangaroo said, “About a thousand feet, unless somebody locks the gate at night!”

Posted

Subject: You Know Your Aussie When:

1. You're familiar with Neighbours, Home and Away, Playschool, A Country Practice, Norman Gunston, Barry Humphries, Blue Heelers, Ray Martin, Bert Newton, Lisa McCune, Jon Burgess, Number 96, Molly Meldrum, Kerry O'Brien, and of course, Kerry Packer and Rupert Murdoch.

2. You know that Burger King doesn't exist. It's Hungry Jacks.

3. You know that snow is a memorable and freakish occurrence. Sometimes it's even fake.

4. You know the difference between thongs and a G-banger

5. You know that "stubbies" are either short shorts or small beer bottles, a "gimp", "bogan" or "geezer" is a random idiot, someone in trouble is in strife" and you're liable to burst out laughing whenever you hear of Americans "rooting" for something.

4. You know how to abbreviate every word, all of which usually endin -o: arvo, combo, garbo, kero, lezzo, metho, milko, muso, rego, servo, smoko, speedo, righto, traino etc.

5. You know that some people pronounce "Australia" like "Strayla" and that's ok.

6. You know that there is a universal place called "woop woop" located in the middle of nowhere... no matter where you actually are.

7. You know that while we call our friends 'mates', we don't use terms like shiela' and 'shrimp on the barbie', contrary to popular belief.

8. You know that none of us actually drink Fosters beer because it tastes like shit. But we let the world think we do. Because we can.

9. You know that if a man has sex with another man, he's a homosexual, and (until recently), a criminal in Tasmania unless it's your brother.

10. You resent people who succeed over others- everyone should do the same thing, so we all get a "fair go"; a kind of 'American-dream' in reverse. This is why we actively like not liking Americans.

11. You've seen Gallipoli, Crocodile Dundee, Young Einstein, Muriel's Wedding, The Castle, Beneath Clouds, Strictly Ballroom, 40,000 Horsemen, and maybe even Wolf Creek.

12. It makes you happy when someone in Hollywood is actually Australian. Mel Gibson (even if he was a yank), Cate Blanchett, Baz Luhrman, Elle MacPherson, Midnight Oil, INXS, Greg Norman (who likes to make out he's a yank), Cathy Freeman, Dawn Fraser, Pat Rafter, Ian Thorpe...we will even allow those poor unfortunates who had the bad luck to be born in New Zealand to be included with us such as Nicole Kidman, Russel Crowe. We do have a few problems with ones who came here as 5 pound poms but are willing to claim Olivia Newton John (had double jeopardy by being a pom who settled in New Zealand and then came to Oz). Of course we will grab AC/DC but not really keen on claiming the BeeGees.

13. One word: Skippy.

14. You know that Sydney 2000 was one of our proudest moments in history.

15. You know that you are not going to die of cholera or other Third World diseases

16. You know our country has never been conquered by a foreign nation ( That landing in 1788 doesn't count).

17. We know that the Metric system will always be better than anything inches, feet, pounds and farenheit will ever offer

18. You drive on the left-hand side of the road.

19. If you're a pedestrian and cars are stopped at a red light, you will fearlessly cross the street in front of them. 'Hit and runs' just aren't cricket. Because aussies stick together.

20. You think of Australia as being somewhat out of place within the Asia-Pacific region; surrounded by unstable ex-colonial nations who regard you as racist, imperialist, and unfairly wealthy. That includes those poor buggers in New Zealand.

21. You know that New Zealanders are basically our naive country cousins, who have a weird fush-and-chups accent and a thing for sheep. For some bizzare reason, think that they invented pavlova. Bastards. They are to be pitied and laughed at. They have no hope of gaining the upper hand in the endless sporting rivalry between our two nations.

22. You know that you can't eat Fantales alone... Otherwise who will you play the 'Who am I...' game with when you're reading the wrapper?

23. You can say MATE! with just the right emphasis.

24. You know that Americans think we're all Steve Irwin clones. And crickey, they couldn't be more wrong.

25. You know that Lawyers wear wigs and gowns. And we make it look good.

26. You have some time in your life slept with Aeroguard on in the summer. Maybe even as perfume.

27. You feel obliged to spread salty black stuff that looks like congealed motor oil on bread... and actually grow to like it. You've also squeeze Vegemite through Vita Wheats to make little Vegemite worms.

28. You believe that democracy means the freedom to draw caricatures of good ol' Johnny Howard

29. You think footballers dressing up in drag on TV is funny (but your son being gay isn't, even if he plays front row for the East Sydney Roosters).

30. You have the ability to compress several words into one - ie 'g'day' and 'd'reckn?'. This allows more space for profanities.

31. You've ever used the words - tops, ripper, sick, mad, rad, sweet - to mean good. And then you place 'bloody' in front of it when you REALLY mean it.

32. You know that the barbeque is a political arena; the person holding the tongs is always the boss and usually a man. And the women make the salad.

33. The private lives of footy and cricket players become more important than local and national news stories.

34. You say 'no worries' quite often, whether you realise it or not.

35. You know what fairy bread tastes like, and you can't imagine your childhood without it.

36. You know the first verse to the national anthem, but still don't know what "girt" means. And you're ok with that.

37. You've drank your tea/coffee/milo through a tim tam.

38. You know that backyard cricket is a nice way to bond with family and the rubbish bin. And the 'one bounce, one hand' rule always applies.

39. You know that we are home to the just about all of the world's deadliest of animals. That's why if anybody messes with us we'll get some funnel webs on their <deleted>.

40. You see people walking bare-foot on the sidewalk and don't scorn....because you're doing it too.

41. You know what trop-fest is and it makes you happy.

42. Sausage rolls and meat pies. End of story.

43. You firmly believe that in the end, everything will be ok and have offered advice that included the words, "she'll be right, mate".

44. You have a story that somehow involves an excessive consumption of goon but you can't remember.

45. You own a Bond's chesty. In several different colours.

46. You've ordered a steak the size as your head and only paid $5 at your local RSL

47. You know that Italy should never have been granted that fateful kick in the 2006 Soccer World Cup.

48. You know how to slip, slop, slap like it's nobody's business.

49. You've heard the Prime Minister dismiss anyone who disagrees with him simply as 'un-Australian', and that's enough to make us sit down and shut up

50. You know that the value of a public holiday is measured in terms of alcohol. God bless the queen and her 4-day birthday.

  • 2 weeks later...
Posted

A blonde was on holiday and driving through Darwin.

She desperately wanted to take home a pair of genuine crocodile shoes but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle on prices" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own crocodile, so I can get a pair of shoes for free"!

The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, "Little lady, just go and give it a try"!

The blonde headed out toward the river, determined to catch a crocodile!

Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he pulls over to the side of the bank where he spots the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.

Just then, he spots a huge 3 metre croc swimming rapidly toward her.

With lightning speed, she takes aim, kills the creature and hauls it onto the slimy banks of the river. Lying nearby were 7 more of the dead creatures, all lying on their backs.

The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement.

The blonde struggled and flipped the Croc onto its back.

Rolling her eyes heavenward and screaming in great frustration, she shouts out.......

"SHIT, SHIT, SHIT, THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!"

  • 2 weeks later...
Posted
Subject: You Know Your Aussie When:

12. We do have a few problems with ones who came here as 5 pound poms but are willing to claim Olivia Newton John (had double jeopardy by being a pom who settled in New Zealand and then came to Oz). Of course we will grab AC/DC but not really keen on claiming the BeeGees.

They're the half-price ones. Used to be ten pounds when that was a weeks wages.

But we failed on that - my Dad was asked if he had a criminal record and replied "I didn't think that was still a requirement" - so we went to Hong Kong instead.

Posted

From World Wide Words :

POM

[Q] From Rosemary Wetherall: “Is pom short for Port of Melbourne (where the ships docked), Prisoners Of her Majesty, as they were convict ships, or did we all really look like a cargo of pomegranates when we caught the sun? Or is it simply rhyming slang for immigrant?”

[A] You’ve done a great job of listing many of the explanations that one comes across for the origin of this Australian term for British immigrants. You could have added a possible derivation from Prisoner of Mother England, from the common naval slang term for Portsmouth, Pompey, or from pommes de terres for potatoes, much eaten by British troops in World War One, or an abbreviation for Permit of Migration. All of them except your last two, I have to tell you, are folk etymology (which, for some reason I’ve never understood, loves to invent origins based on acronyms).

Part of the reason for all these theories growing up is that there was for decades much doubt over the true origin of the expression, with various Oxford dictionaries, for example, continuing to say that there is no firm evidence for the pomegranate theory. That origin was described by D H Lawrence in his Kangaroo of 1923: “Pommy is supposed to be short for pomegranate. Pomegranate, pronounced invariably pommygranate, is a near enough rhyme to immigrant, in a naturally rhyming country. Furthermore, immigrants are known in their first months, before their blood ‘thins down’, by their round and ruddy cheeks. So we are told”. You will note that he had to explain the pronunciation that we would now take to be the usual one: in standard English it used not to have the first “e” sounded, with pome often rhyming with home.

It is now pretty well accepted that the pomegranate theory is close to the truth, though there’s a slight twist to take note of. H J Rumsey wrote about it in 1920 in the introduction to his book The Pommies, or New Chums in Australia. He suggested that the word began life on the wharves in Melbourne as a form of rhyming slang. An immigrant was at first called a Jimmy Grant (was there perhaps a famous real person by that name around at the time?), but over time this shifted to Pommy Grant, perhaps as a reference to pomegranate, because the new chums did burn in the sun. Later pommy became a word on its own and was frequently abbreviated still further. The pomegranate theory was also given some years earlier in The Anzac Book of 1916.

Whatever your beliefs about this one, what seems to be true is that the term is not especially old, dating from the end of the nineteenth century at the earliest, certainly not so far back as convict ship days.

Posted

RUGBY NATIONS

An Australian, a Kiwi and South African are in a bar one night having a beer. All of a sudden the South African drinks his beer, throws his glass in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces. "In Seth Efrika our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one twice," he says.

The Kiwi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces. "Wull mate, in Noo Zilland we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't need to drink out the same glass either," he says.

The Australian, cool as a Koala, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the South African and the Kiwi. He turns to the astonished barman and says, "In Strailya mate, we have so many bloody South Africans and Kiwis that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice."

Posted

A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian coast. He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.

Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.

The Sarge says, "Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news."

"Well," says the bloke, "I guess I'd better have the bad news first ?"

The Sarge says, "I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead."

The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks, "what's the good news.......??

The Sarge says, "Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized crays and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share."

He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it.

"Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that... So what's the other possible good news ?"

"Well," the Sarge says, "if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again.....!"

Posted
A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian coast. He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.

Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.

The Sarge says, "Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news."

"Well," says the bloke, "I guess I'd better have the bad news first ?"

The Sarge says, "I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead."

The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks, "what's the good news.......??

The Sarge says, "Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized crays and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share."

He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it.

"Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that... So what's the other possible good news ?"

"Well," the Sarge says, "if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again.....!"

Thats even better than putting some of my second wifes ashes in an Eggtimer :o Nignoy
Posted

Had to laugh at this.

The questions below about Australia are from potential visitors. They were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have an excellent sense of humour.

Q: I have never seen it rain on TV, How do the plants grow? ( UK ).

A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA )

A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden )

A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia ? ( Sweden ) A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia ? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane , Cairns , Townsville and Hervey Bay ? ( UK ) A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ?( USA

) A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe . Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Australia ? ( USA ) A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK ) A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK ) A: You're a British politician, right?

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? Germany)

A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA )

A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia , but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA )

A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: Do you have perfume in Australia ? ( France )

A: No, WE don't stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. >Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? ( USA )

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? ( Italy )

A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? ( France )

A: Only at Christmas.

Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? ( USA )

A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )

A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first

:o:D:D

Posted

A bloke walks into a bar in New Zealand and orders a shandy.

All the Kiwis sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see another Australian visitor.

The barman says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"

The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada."

The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada?"

The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender says, "A tixidermist? What the hick is a tixidermist? Do you drive a tixi?"

"No, a taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount animals."

The bartender grins and yells,

"He's okay boys. He's one of us."

  • 2 weeks later...
Posted

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day on the day that you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day.

So the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly asked the man, "Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died."

"No problem," the man said. "I came home to my 25th-floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife having an affair. But her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was half naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips!

The nerve of that guy! Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. This ticked me off even more.

In a rage, I went back inside to get the first heavy thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him!

The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly." The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day,it was a crime of passion. So, the Angel announced, "OK, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.

A few seconds later the next guy came up. To the Angel's surprise, it was John Howard." Mr. Howard, before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died." Johnnie said, "No problem. But you're not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of a 26th floor apartment where we were staying for a conference doing my daily exercises. I had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side!

Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom which broke my fall, so I didn't die right away.

As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator of all things off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly."

The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as Johnnie finishes his story. "I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself. "Very well," the Angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he lets Howard enter.

A few seconds later, Shane Warne comes up to the gate. The Angel is almost too shocked to speak. Thoughts of demon bowlers or car accidents pour through the Angel's head. Finally he says, "Mr Warne , please tell me what it was like the day you died."

Shane says, "OK, picture this. I'm naked, inside a refrigerator......"

  • 2 weeks later...
Posted

A very rich man living in Darwin decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours.

He also invited Jimmy, the only aboriginal in the neighbourhood.

He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.

Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns and oysters at the BBQ and flirting.

At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 15ft man-eating crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in."

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Jimmy in the pool!

Jimmy was fighting the croc and kicking its ass!

Jimmy was jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of shit, like head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on the tail and flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.

The water was churning and splashing everywhere.

Both Jimmy and the croc were screaming and raising hel_l.

Finally Jimmy strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a K-mart goldfish.

Jimmy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.

Finally the host says, "Well, Jimmy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars."

"Nah, you all right, I don't want it," said Jimmy.

The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet.", "How about half a million bucks then?"

"No thanks. I don't want it," answered Jimmy.

The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?"

Again Jimmy said no. Confused, the rich man asked, "Well Jimmy, then what do you want?"

And Jimmy said, "I just want the name of the prick who pushed me in the pool."

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