Joke: New Guy Working At The Zoo

[grahamhc]

A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks. First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds.

As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss, he beats it to death with a

spade.

Realizing his employer won't be best pleased he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts.

He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both. What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything.

He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.

He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American Bees. As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and throws them into the lions cage because lions eat anything.

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and says "What's the food like here?"

The lions say: "Absolutely brilliant, today we had Fish and Chimps with Mushy Bees

[Crossy]

How did I know it would be this one?

The oldies are the goodies

[zzdocxx]

A certain zoo had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very ornery, and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the problem: she was in heat. What to do? There was no male of this species available.

While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed Mike, an employee responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Now Mike, it was rumored, possessed ample ability to satisfy any female, and he wasn't very bright. So the zoo administrators thought they might have a solution. Perhaps they could entice Mike to satisfy the female gorilla. So he was approached with a proposition: would he be willing to screw the gorilla--for five hundred bucks? Mike replied that he might be interested, but would have to think the matter over.

The following day, Mike announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions:

"First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her," and "Second, I want nothing to do with any offspring that may result from this union."

The zoo administration quickly acceded to these conditions, but what could be the third?

"Well," said Mike, "You've gotta give me another week to come up with the five hundred bucks."

[zzdocxx]

After working for years, a "lady of the evening" finally retired and, being afraid of spending the rest of her life alone, she decided to marry. She had been with so many perverted men over the years that she felt she needed a change, and would only get one by marrying a virgin male close to her age.

She took out ads in newspapers around the world seeking a male virgin who was 55 years old. She finally narrowed her choice to an Australian computer programmer. After a thorough background check, she was satisfied that he had indeed never been with a woman and they were married.

On their wedding night, she went into the bathroom to change into her nightie.

When she came back out, she found that her new husband had taken the bed, and everything in the room, and stacked it in one corner of the room.

Thinking this was rather kinky, she said to her husband, "I thought you had never been with a woman."

He replied, "That's true, but if it's anything like sex with a kangaroo, we're going to need all the room we can get!"

[Kan Win]

See in Phuket Zoo on the Beach

Kan Win

[peter991]

Gorilla uses palm frond in escape bid

A GORILLA has used a palm frond to escape his enclosure at Melbourne Zoo and go walkabout before zookeepers used a bunch of bananas to recapture him.

The zoo said visitors were ushered out of harm's way and into the gift shop near the zoo's entrance until the 20-minute drama was over, just before closing time yesterday.

Yakini, 9, used the frond to climb out of his enclosure and was walking around before keepers lured him into the nearby elephant barn with some bananas, spokeswoman Judith Henke said.

Zoo vets then sedated him with a dart gun.

Ms Henke said no one was hurt during the incident.

"He just went for a walk," she said.

"These are gentle animals and the staff had him under observation."

Ms Henke said Yakini, who was born at the zoo and lives a bachelor life with his father and brother, was monitored by vets as he recovered from the effects of the dart.

"He went into the barn and the next thing he knew he was waking up on a bed of straw in his den," she said.

[peter991]

Polish politician fumes over 'gay' elephant in zoo

Reuters April 10, 2009 09:03pm

A POLISH politician has criticised his local zoo for acquiring a "gay" elephant named Ninio who prefers male companions and will probably not procreate.

"We didn't pay 37 million zlotys ($11 million) for the largest elephant house in Europe to have a gay elephant live there," Michal Grzes, a conservative councillor in the city of Poznan in western Poland, said.

"We were supposed to have a herd, but as Ninio prefers male friends over females how will he produce offspring?" said Grzes, who is from the right-wing opposition Law and Justice party.

The head of the Poznan zoo said 10-year-old Ninio may be too young to decide whether he prefers males or females as elephants only reach sexual maturity at 14.

[BigSnake]

Hmmmmmm!! so so

[HAL9000]

The chimpanzee told the zookeeper he was bored. The zookeeper happened to have a bible laying around, so he gave it to the chimp to read. When finished, he told the zookeeper he really liked it and wanted to know if he had anything else to read. So he gave him a copy of Darwin's Origin of the Species. Later the zookeeper asked him how he liked it. The chimp said he liked it fine, but was confused. "Oh, what's wrong" asked the zookeeper. The chimp said he didn't know if he was his brother's keeper or his keeper's brother.