Opp [other Peoples Problem$]

[jaideeguy]

If you have been here a while and have a thai gf or wife, you know what I am talking about. I think it can be accurately said that the majority of our spouses come from a less priviliged background than us [relatively] rich falangs except for the few braggarts that always pipe in with 'my perfect Chinese/Thai wife is richer than me'......a really small minority.

I thought that I made it perfectly clear when I agreed to marry my Thai wife that I will help the [extended] family as much as i can afford to, but our immediate family always comes first. That was years ago and the extended family and OPP are multiplying. Sister in law has an unplanned baby almost due and needs help, as her drunk deadbeat husband spends more on cheap alcohol than I do on wine.

I learned early to take care of myself and immediate family first....then others.

I often have to remind myself that 'we are dealing with children' when it comes to Thais. That is part of the attraction and also the curse. Like kids, they will take as much candy as they can and they expect us 'adults' from the west to take care of them and all their [extended] family and their problem$.

Lines have to be drawn or we'll be bled dry and the extended family keeps extending. wife has sister with kid and another on the way, and boyfriend with children and his father and where does it stop??

My policy now when asked for money is to "loan' it with the agreement that if not paid before the end of month, interest will start and no more loans to anyone until all debts are paid in full. I know....I'm a hard-ass, but my funds are limited and they got along before I came into the picture.

FYI, I do give all, down to neices and nephews a regular birthday thb gift as well as new yrs....so I'm not a total cheap charlie.

My original question is where do you draw the line when it comes to extended family [other peoples problem$]? immediate family, moma and papa, brothers and sisters, aunts and uncles, cousins, in laws, boyfriends of sister, friends of family??

[JohnGotti]

i take a magic maker that does not rub off and start the line at their belly button. every cm is 100 baht. when it gets all the way around their waist, they don't get another satang.

Edited May 12, 2009 by JohnGotti

[mrtoad]

Why do you have an obligation to extended family? TelL them to FO, it's not your responsibility.

[JohnGotti]

Why do you have an obligation to extended family? TelL them to FO, it's not your responsibility.

Yes, but would a much younger Thai woman want to be married to this type of farang? There is no such thing as a free lunch, is there?

Its very hard for farang to understand the Thai family logic. Its like a mental disease.

Edited May 12, 2009 by JohnGotti

[mrtoad]

Why do you have an obligation to extended family? TelL them to FO, it's not your responsibility.

Yes, but would a much younger Thai woman want to be married to this type of farang? There is no such thing as a free lunch, is there?

Its very hard for farang to understand the Thai family logic. Its like a mental disease.

You can assume what you want, but it is hardly the OP's responsibility to bail out a dead beat brother in law who is pissing his money down the drain.

[dave111223]

I thought that I made it perfectly clear when I agreed to marry my Thai wife that I will help the [extended] family as much as i can afford to, but our immediate family always comes first.

That's your mistake; i made it perfectly clear I was a cheap git.

[Shah Jahan]

My policy now when asked for money is to "loan' it with the agreement that if not paid before the end of month, interest will start and no more loans to anyone until all debts are paid in full.

ohh... falang ki-neow falng jai-damnmmmmm...

but really. ....

[jaideeguy]

Hey Shah....

My mother in law has history of conning me out of money in the past...saying medical emergency, but really gambling debts.

Once burned, twice shy. She don't even ask any more........

[johna]

do what most Thai's do in this situation, promise every thing and delay, delay, delay.

[fiddlehead]

My wife has 2 sisters and a brother.

The brother is a joke. I refuse to give him anything anymore. I tried to help him set up a business and he totally took advantage and sold and spent everything. I learned a lesson and he's out.

The sisters are great and have learned not to ask unless it's very important or an emergency. I usually ask them to pay it back and they do (usually)

The good part is: they now have jobs. When i first met her, they tested me and tried to live off my money. I told them i wouldn't give them anything until they got a job. So, things are looking up. It's been 5 years now.

The mother in law gets money when she asks for it which is not often. (maybe every 3 months, then i send her 3-4,000 baht or thereabouts)

Basically, i've learned who tries to take advantage of me and who doesn't and reward the ones who don't.

[jaideeguy]

It's a learning experience.....after 8 yrs, I'm still learning, but are they learning??

Not very much....

[Mosha]

My policy has always been as you do now. I obviously take care of the the chief cook and bottle washer, AKA my wife. I'll take care of her mum, also her younger half sister. She's married, the husband works, but not well paid, and are in general not wasters. They do bring us the occasional bush meat too. I will not in any circumstances help my wife's step father and half brother. They are both a waste of space. I will not lend money out when there are debts outstanding, I even got the local Nai yok to witness one loan. Stick to your guns.

[JohnGotti]

Why do you have an obligation to extended family? TelL them to FO, it's not your responsibility.

Yes, but would a much younger Thai woman want to be married to this type of farang? There is no such thing as a free lunch, is there?

Its very hard for farang to understand the Thai family logic. Its like a mental disease.

You can assume what you want, but it is hardly the OP's responsibility to bail out a dead beat brother in law who is pissing his money down the drain.

no money, no honey is the point. all anyone wants is a hot young little thing with her own bank account... now back to reality.

[Livinginexile]

Thank God I am blessed in that respect. My wife loves me and protects me from all that shit.

Like yours, the majority of her family hover around like vultures but not once has it come back to me through her that someone needs money.

She makes it very clear we are caring for our own family and that is that.

Except for the odd tab I pick up for family meals, I have never been hit up for money.

Your wife should be shielding from all that stuff mate, It would be very interesting to see what happens when your money dries up.

All I can say is GOOD LUCK, sounds like you are going to need it.

[rgs2001uk]

Thank God I am blessed in that respect. My wife loves me and protects me from all that shit.

Like yours, the majority of her family hover around like vultures but not once has it come back to me through her that someone needs money.

She makes it very clear we are caring for our own family and that is that.

Except for the odd tab I pick up for family meals, I have never been hit up for money.

Your wife should be shielding from all that stuff mate, It would be very interesting to see what happens when your money dries up.

All I can say is GOOD LUCK, sounds like you are going to need it.

Agree 100%, your wife should be telling them to FO, if she isnt, may be time to ask why not.

If your wife is unwilling to tell the freeloaders, deadbeats, bums, loafers, timewasters and drunkards to hit the road, its not luck you need, its a divorce.

[mahtin]

My wife is protective too, especially since I made it clear that what's mine is hers.

Now she's on the internet pretty often, and doesn't like to see "her" account sink too low.

Her younger sister still owes me, but she married a guy in the UK See, not just the Thais...

Paid half back, though, give her her due.

[Sabum]

It's a learning experience.....after 8 yrs, I'm still learning, but are they learning??

Not very much....

Dude you havent learned a dam_n thing, not even a tiny bit. You are not supposed to be giving money to anyone outside your immediate family. You seem so concerned people will think you are a cheap charlie, this is just propaganda other fat old men tell eachother to justify their paid for relationships. Its all bullshit and all you need to do is keep your way too young wife happy, everyone else is not your concern.

[MJP]

I will show humility and open hearted honesty in this post. Come back with whatever comments you like.

I drew the line a few weeks back.

I've separated from my wife. We'd been together for six years. Legally married with one child. Anyway, she's moved out to live with sister, I've moved back to Issan to look after child and finish house/garden etc. We separated because she'd developed a gancha and cards habit and had become not a particularly nice person. She'd ploughed through a lot of building project funds as well.

Sister-in-law comes to me. Story. 12,000 Baht for Mum and Dad insurance. I said okay, no problem, paid it. Turned out to be for Grandma.

4000 Baht for Mum and Dad some bit of paper. . . No.

They Mummy bought a tractor. 37,000 Baht. Presented me with the bill. . . No.

Need to fix tailgate on pick-up where retarded, illiterate, driving license free father smashed it. . . . No.

Need to . . . No.

This needs . . . No.

We want . . . No.

I went through all the basic costs of living, said I'll cover 5k a month and that's it, do not come to me with anything else. Really kicked off. So far, this has earned respect. Not that that matters to me one jot, if they don't have respect for me this is a reflection on them and not me. I'm a well educated, experienced engineer from a Western country, they, to be honest . . . aren't.

Now when you consider, I already sorted out their house, a used but very tidy pick-up, living costs, land . . . it goes on and on! Built a place round the corner for me and wife. Send the child to private school (not biologically mine, some British potato head from Pattaya).

Draw the line early doors.

Better still if you are not legally married or have children yet run like hel_l. Avoid the b@stards like the plague. You do not need to be married. It is not your duty to take care of foreign peoples in their own country. It is a ridiculous concept, one I regret every waking minute.

I am now in a desperate situation, one that began when I was 27, vulnerable, naive and caring. I'm stuck in Issan, albeit in a nice little house, enjoying day to day living away from the UK, as a single parent.

I urge others to consider this. Although I genuinely didn't (but may as well have), most blokes meet these 'girls' in bars. Let's not confuse ourselves here. They are not waitresses, not cooks, not book-keepers. They are prostitutes. Forget the old 'it's the culture, the society, the way' line. They are prostitutes.

Now ask yourself this. Would I marry a prostitute from (insert whichever Western country you come from)?

No. Of course you wouldn't. That would be crazy.

Not sure how this is going to end for me. Don't care really, it doesn't matter to me any more. I will probably lose everything I've ever worked for. I will not start over.

However, as so many, many, many people before me, I would like to warn others to think extremely carefully and with a lucid mind about exactly what it is you are doing and the risk you run with your own futures.

Life is precious. And so is yours.

Thank you for listening.

[mahtin]

[Datsun240Z]

Why do you have an obligation to extended family? TelL them to FO, it's not your responsibility.

Yes, but would a much younger Thai woman want to be married to this type of farang? There is no such thing as a free lunch, is there?

Its very hard for farang to understand the Thai family logic. Its like a mental disease.

You can assume what you want, but it is hardly the OP's responsibility to bail out a dead beat brother in law who is pissing his money down the drain.

no money, no honey is the point. all anyone wants is a hot young little thing with her own bank account... now back to reality.

I think it's a shame, that these days not much can remain and have a fair/honest and open relationship. Seems like something from the past. All you hear is about divorces and break up's. Coca-Cola even took advantage of it, by making a fuc_king commercial! No money, no honey, it's true..

[Datsun240Z]

Love and Respect...

[MJP]

Sadly true, Datsun.

Lesson from this tale of woe. Stay single. Get married at 80 when you need someone to push the bath chair.

[MJP]

Love and Respect...

Thanks Datsun.

[Datsun240Z]

No problem MJP. Seems we need to cheer a beer sometimes! Yes, I still have a relationship myself with a Thai girl. It's not going really well. I have to fight for it many times, I know I am to good. If this one realy fails. Well as you say, long live single.

[MJP]

No problem MJP. Seems we need to cheer a beer sometimes! Yes, I still have a relationship myself with a Thai girl. It's not going really well. I have to fight for it many times, I know I am to good. If this one realy fails. Well as you say, long live single.

If it isn't working now, it probably won't ever. If you need to 'work' at the 'relationship' (I'm a deeply cynical chap, believing that once cynical, everything becomes clear), take a step back, right back and honestly assess your predicament.

I'd just like others to avoid what I've been through, am going through and am going to go through.

Life's too short. Really it is.

Incidentally, one of the only real professional Thai blokes I know is not just a lawyer, but King's Counsel (like a QC, a Silk in the UK).

When asked, years ago this is, whether any of it was real. "It's all about money." Pushed on his answer for some deeper cultural meaning . . . "It's all about money."

Simple really.

Edited May 12, 2009 by MJP

[harrry]

Sadly true, Datsun.

Lesson from this tale of woe. Stay single. Get married at 80 when you need someone to push the bath chair.

Even beter buy a battery model chair.

[MJP]

Sadly true, Datsun.

Lesson from this tale of woe. Stay single. Get married at 80 when you need someone to push the bath chair.

Even beter buy a battery model chair.

Harry my dear, absolutely!

I've 46 years until I'm 80.

In 46 years of mobility scooter technological innovation, I'm sure we'll be enjoying the levitating effects of super conductivity as well as the realistic feel of an advanced rubber dolly. All at the same time! Two feet off the ground!

[mauGR1]

[quote name='MJP' date='2009-05-13 00:15:54' post='2730227

I've separated from my wife. We'd been together for six years. Legally married with one child.

I am now in a desperate situation, one that began when I was 27, vulnerable, naive and caring. I'm stuck in Issan, albeit in a nice little house, enjoying day to day living away from the UK, as a single parent.

However, as so many, many, many people before me, I would like to warn others to think extremely carefully and with a lucid mind about exactly what it is you are doing and the risk you run with your own futures.

Life is precious. And so is yours.

Thank you for listening.

Hi mate,i read your post,and it hit me like a punch.I have been travelling in this country for 10 years now,i experienced the duress of the love in vain too,although not in the same scale of yours.I want to thank you for your honesty and dignity,i really admire you.

I think we farangs are wrong sometimes to trust other people too easily,and too often we pay a dear price.The good thing that we can learn by mistakes,and experience is precious anyway.Please stand up,and be proud to be a good bloke in a world of sharks.I wish for you the best in your life.

[MJP]

Hi mate,i read your post,and it hit me like a punch.I have been travelling in this country for 10 years now,i experienced the duress of the love in vain too,although not in the same scale of yours.I want to thank you for your honesty and dignity,i really admire you.

I think we farangs are wrong sometimes to trust other people too easily,and too often we pay a dear price.The good thing that we can learn by mistakes,and experience is precious anyway.Please stand up,and be proud to be a good bloke in a world of sharks.I wish for you the best in your life.

I do graciously thank you dear kind sir!

Yes, not saying it would be different in any western venue, probably more expensive, chuck in a £350k mortgage and £40k on credit cards most likely, so life ain't that bad.

I do think it's time of honesty.

The unimaginable credit boom of the past decade has masked our personal failings and liabilities. This 'golden age' is now well behind us and I write this not to gain sympathy but as a genuine warning to others.

You may think you know, chaps. Trust me, you don't.

[Datsun240Z]

Credit is real bad, it's not your money. In the west here, credit company commercial rise like mushrooms... Well make up where are we going....