Worst Joke Ever 2024

[MJP]

I'll have a wee moan now about the only thing that winds me up to hel_l about living here.

Now it's not the women and family thing, it's not the driving, it's not the double charging of farang, it's not the political situation, not the exchange rate, not the insults from the natives . . . don't give a ling's dar about any of that.

It's trying to open plastic packaging.

In this country they have replaced normal plastic packaging with Kevlar, titanium and carbon-fibre re-inforced bullet proof packaging. Like tiny little, highly irritating Fort Knoxs' all over the kitchen.

I'm 34, a big ugly site manager from Blighty and I cannot open the following without using a 2" angle-grinder with a diamond blade.

• Crisp packets, you can pull and pull until you break your knuckles, still end up tearing the things open from an edge and this emasculates me, takes away any Alpha male ego and reduces me to a quivering mental wreck on the floor.
  

• Coffee sachets, just when you're desperate for caffeine, out comes the big blade, next thing Elastoplast and blood everywhere!
  

• Anything vacuum packed in plastic.
  

• Anything bound in plastic.
  

• Anything wrapped in plastic, bagged in plastic, sealed in plastic.
  

• Anyting plastic.
  

Righty oh then, what I need to establish is, am I the only one?

[phaethon]

I'll let you know as soon as I have unpacked my new keyboard...

[MJP]

I'll let you know as soon as I have unpacked my new keyboard...

You know what I mean though. I mean . . . I mean . . . ahhh . . . .wwwhattt . . . what is it?

[OriginalPoster]

I'll have a wee moan now about the only thing that winds me up to hel_l about living here.

Now it's not the women and family thing, it's not the driving, it's not the double charging of farang, it's not the political situation, not the exchange rate, not the insults from the natives . . . don't give a ling's dar about any of that.

It's trying to open plastic packaging.

In this country they have replaced normal plastic packaging with Kevlar, titanium and carbon-fibre re-inforced bullet proof packaging. Like tiny little, highly irritating Fort Knoxs' all over the kitchen.

I'm 34, a big ugly site manager from Blighty and I cannot open the following without using a 2" angle-grinder with a diamond blade.

• Crisp packets, you can pull and pull until you break your knuckles, still end up tearing the things open from an edge and this emasculates me, takes away any Alpha male ego and reduces me to a quivering mental wreck on the floor.
  

• Coffee sachets, just when you're desperate for caffeine, out comes the big blade, next thing Elastoplast and blood everywhere!
  

• Anything vacuum packed in plastic.
  

• Anything bound in plastic.
  

• Anything wrapped in plastic, bagged in plastic, sealed in plastic.
  

• Anyting plastic.
  

Righty oh then, what I need to establish is, am I the only one?

The problem is that you Brighton guys knocked all your teeth out opening beer bottles and fighting with your girlfriends' boyfriends. Rip them open with your teeth, goddammit. Then headbutt them for good measure.

Edited May 14, 2009 by OriginalPoster

[Hanzkneez]

perhaps you are just getting on a bit?

[MJP]

perhaps you are just getting on a bit?

D'ya tink so?

I've a lot of grey comin' though recently.

My knees aren't what they were either.

[Birdman]

magic mushrooms? and all the females dancing on that island floating in the sky?

[pattaya_girl]

I'll have a wee moan now about the only thing that winds me up to hel_l about living here.

Now it's not the women and family thing, it's not the driving, it's not the double charging of farang, it's not the political situation, not the exchange rate, not the insults from the natives . . . don't give a ling's dar about any of that.

It's trying to open plastic packaging.

In this country they have replaced normal plastic packaging with Kevlar, titanium and carbon-fibre re-inforced bullet proof packaging. Like tiny little, highly irritating Fort Knoxs' all over the kitchen.

I'm 34, a big ugly site manager from Blighty and I cannot open the following without using a 2" angle-grinder with a diamond blade.

• Crisp packets, you can pull and pull until you break your knuckles, still end up tearing the things open from an edge and this emasculates me, takes away any Alpha male ego and reduces me to a quivering mental wreck on the floor.
  

• Coffee sachets, just when you're desperate for caffeine, out comes the big blade, next thing Elastoplast and blood everywhere!
  

• Anything vacuum packed in plastic.
  

• Anything bound in plastic.
  

• Anything wrapped in plastic, bagged in plastic, sealed in plastic.
  

• Anyting plastic.
  

Righty oh then, what I need to establish is, am I the only one?

No, you are not the only one. Try getting into a box of Sugerlumps, its a major job.

[MJP]

I'll have a wee moan now about the only thing that winds me up to hel_l about living here.

Now it's not the women and family thing, it's not the driving, it's not the double charging of farang, it's not the political situation, not the exchange rate, not the insults from the natives . . . don't give a ling's dar about any of that.

It's trying to open plastic packaging.

In this country they have replaced normal plastic packaging with Kevlar, titanium and carbon-fibre re-inforced bullet proof packaging. Like tiny little, highly irritating Fort Knoxs' all over the kitchen.

I'm 34, a big ugly site manager from Blighty and I cannot open the following without using a 2" angle-grinder with a diamond blade.

• Crisp packets, you can pull and pull until you break your knuckles, still end up tearing the things open from an edge and this emasculates me, takes away any Alpha male ego and reduces me to a quivering mental wreck on the floor.
  

• Coffee sachets, just when you're desperate for caffeine, out comes the big blade, next thing Elastoplast and blood everywhere!
  

• Anything vacuum packed in plastic.
  

• Anything bound in plastic.
  

• Anything wrapped in plastic, bagged in plastic, sealed in plastic.
  

• Anyting plastic.
  

Righty oh then, what I need to establish is, am I the only one?

No, you are not the only one. Try getting into a box of Sugerlumps, its a major job.

I've the diabetes, so unlikely. BTW, what's the guy above going on about mushrooms or something?

[ukme]

Natives? How derogatory.

[Patsycat]

Don't worry, dear, it happens all over the world!!

[MJP]

Natives? How derogatory.

Oh get a life will you.

I guess you're British so you're trained to attempt to mark anyone a racist for the slightest remark.

Well I'll have you know, I'm a vehement anti-racist but I'm not one of those PC quires.

[MJP]

Oh, you all missed the pun in the title . . . gripe . . . grip.

Only just noticed it myself to be honest.

[lannarebirth]

Scissors.

[MJP]

Scissors.

Yes I know, scissors!

You know that thing, when you go out to get something, try to remember really hard what it was you went out to get, forget it completely and come back with something entirely different.

Well, that's been the case everyday now for the last two weeks regards scissors!

[Jdietz]

Scissors.

Bought a pair the other day, haven't been able to open the plastic package it came in yet.

[MJP]

Scissors.

Bought a pair the other day, haven't been able to open the plastic package it came in yet.

Now this is my point! Why don't they provide scissors to open the plastic packaging a pair of scissors comes in? Why?

[pattaya_girl]

Scissors.

Bought a pair the other day, haven't been able to open the plastic package it came in yet.

Hahaha good reply !!

[PastEgo]

it'sthe plastic bags full of food tied in rubber bangs that get me

usuallly its boiling hot soup and getting the band of is a major task because they tie it right where at the base of the food and the bag gets moisture on the outside so you can not even grab the bag properly

so you end up knifing the bag and get hot soup - it always is hot soup when this happens - all over you

[MJP]

it'sthe plastic bags full of food tied in rubber bangs that get me

usuallly its boiling hot soup and getting the band of is a major task because they tie it right where at the base of the food and the bag gets moisture on the outside so you can not even grab the bag properly

so you end up knifing the bag and get hot soup - it always is hot soup when this happens - all over you

I embarrass myself daily with the rubber band thing, so I do.

I anyone could produce a little guide on how to tie/untie (another wee pun there, did you see that, did you?) these rubber bands . . . well, it'd be great!

[thithi]

oh why my sticky rice was wrapped by the banana leaf eh?

[MJP]

oh why my sticky rice was wrapped by the banana leaf eh?

No, no, I've never had a problem with the leaf wrap thing. Everything should, where possible come packaged like this. I refuse plastic bags in shops, 7/11 and T-Lotus etc.

There's no need for this country to look like the top of a landfill.

[Datsun240Z]

Yeah the plastic seems fuc_king strong overthere in thailand. Maybe Thais love plastic?

Opening a bag of chips can turn out quite nasty...blood all over the floor

Edited May 14, 2009 by Datsun240Z

[TEFLMike]

A local company makes fresh cake, cut into slices, placed in thick plastic covering that not even medicinal tablets would not even be placed in. The ends of the packaging are folded over and stapled. Heaven forbid. There are many cut fingers when opening these snack foods.

I find the crisp packets are quite difficult also.

[MJP]

A local company makes fresh cake, cut into slices, placed in thick plastic covering that not even medicinal tablets would not even be placed in. The ends of the packaging are folded over and stapled. Heaven forbid. There are many cut fingers when opening these snack foods.

I find the crisp packets are quite difficult also.

I'm sure it's the reason I've lost weight recently. I crave Cheese 'n Onion but have yet to find a suitable device to open the bag.

[khundon]

I'll have a wee moan now about the only thing that winds me up to hel_l about living here.

Now it's not the women and family thing, it's not the driving, it's not the double charging of farang, it's not the political situation, not the exchange rate, not the insults from the natives . . . don't give a ling's dar about any of that.

It's trying to open plastic packaging.

In this country they have replaced normal plastic packaging with Kevlar, titanium and carbon-fibre re-inforced bullet proof packaging. Like tiny little, highly irritating Fort Knoxs' all over the kitchen.

I'm 34, a big ugly site manager from Blighty and I cannot open the following without using a 2" angle-grinder with a diamond blade.

• Crisp packets, you can pull and pull until you break your knuckles, still end up tearing the things open from an edge and this emasculates me, takes away any Alpha male ego and reduces me to a quivering mental wreck on the floor.
  

• Coffee sachets, just when you're desperate for caffeine, out comes the big blade, next thing Elastoplast and blood everywhere!
  

• Anything vacuum packed in plastic.
  

• Anything bound in plastic.
  

• Anything wrapped in plastic, bagged in plastic, sealed in plastic.
  

• Anyting plastic.
  

Righty oh then, what I need to establish is, am I the only one?

Yes you are.

Employ a little maid, they can open anything.

Don't forget to add another cost line to your spread sheet.

Line title should read "Cost for being hopeless at everything"

[MJP]

I'll have a wee moan now about the only thing that winds me up to hel_l about living here.

Now it's not the women and family thing, it's not the driving, it's not the double charging of farang, it's not the political situation, not the exchange rate, not the insults from the natives . . . don't give a ling's dar about any of that.

It's trying to open plastic packaging.

In this country they have replaced normal plastic packaging with Kevlar, titanium and carbon-fibre re-inforced bullet proof packaging. Like tiny little, highly irritating Fort Knoxs' all over the kitchen.

I'm 34, a big ugly site manager from Blighty and I cannot open the following without using a 2" angle-grinder with a diamond blade.

• Crisp packets, you can pull and pull until you break your knuckles, still end up tearing the things open from an edge and this emasculates me, takes away any Alpha male ego and reduces me to a quivering mental wreck on the floor.
  

• Coffee sachets, just when you're desperate for caffeine, out comes the big blade, next thing Elastoplast and blood everywhere!
  

• Anything vacuum packed in plastic.
  

• Anything bound in plastic.
  

• Anything wrapped in plastic, bagged in plastic, sealed in plastic.
  

• Anyting plastic.
  

Righty oh then, what I need to establish is, am I the only one?

Yes you are.

Employ a little maid, they can open anything.

Don't forget to add another cost line to your spread sheet.

Line title should read "Cost for being hopeless at everything"

I painted a wall today!

It looks nice, too!

[ukme]

LOL. I'm sure he can find a "native" in his local area whom he could employ as a maid to open crisp packets etc

[MJP]

LOL. I'm sure he can find a "native" in his local area whom he could employ as a maid to open crisp packets etc

Okay then.

These forums I find to be an amazing service. Incredible. I come to this one, I get on well with Dutch people and Thai people and Americans and especially Aussie's, list goes on . . .

Yet, when many of the British post, it reminds me of why I left that place.

As I told you before and how dare you frankly, I've done more than many for poor people in countries like this, suggest that because I use what you believe to be a . . . .

Oh nevermind, what's the point?

[Oberkommando]

It's because the packaging companies deliberately make them difficult for farang fingers to open.

They are exacting a little piece of revenge on you every time you frustrate yourself trying to open a packet of crisps.