Worst Joke Ever

[scottiejohn]

20 hours ago, fasteddie said:

Bumped into my old mate Dave the other day, he's only got one arm bless him, "where you off to Dave?" I asked him, "I'm off to change a lightbulb" he replied, well I just cracked up, "that's gonna be a bit difficult ain't it?" I said through the laughter, "not really he said, I've still got the receipt you rotten sod".

What an illuminating post, just one of those light bulb moments which lightens our day.

I hope you and Dave were both enlightened by the exchange!

(oh and the shopkeeper)

Edited January 26, 2018 by scottiejohn

[gentman]

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."

[faraday]

On 25/01/2018 at 7:35 PM, fasteddie said:

Bumped into my old mate Dave the other day, he's only got one arm bless him, "where you off to Dave?" I asked him, "I'm off to change a lightbulb" he replied, well I just cracked up, "that's gonna be a bit difficult ain't it?" I said through the laughter, "not really he said, I've still got the receipt you rotten sod".

Continueing with lightbulb jokes.....

 

Q: How many Christians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. They all just imagine they've seen the light.

 

[gentman]

A little boy says, ‘Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.’

 

‘Son,’ says the dad. ‘That happens everywhere.’

[laislica]

Hurt my arm this morning and had to go to hospital for an x-ray, as I was sitting waiting to be seen,

the lad next to me says,

" Fair fae yer honest sonsieface! Great chieftain o' the puddin race!!"

I was like, eh?!?!.

I turned my head round to the the lady sat on my other side,

she said, " ! Wee, sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie, O, what a panic's in thy breastie!".

I said to the next doctor walking past , "here mate is this the psychiatric ward?"

 

 

He says .......
.
"no sorry this is the burns unit"

[scottiejohn]

Q: How many atheists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: None. They're never in the dark or question whether it's really light anyway as Atheists never "see the light" at all.

More "light Bulb Jokes"

 

Q: How many academics does it take to change a lightbulb ?

A1: None. That's what research students are for.

                                                       OR

A2: Five: One to write the grant proposal, one to do the mathematical modelling, one to type the research paper, one to submit the paper for publishing, and one to hire a student to do the work.

　

Q: How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Only one. They don't like to share the spotlight.

 

Q: How many aerospace engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None. It doesn't take a rocket scientist, you know.

　

Q: How many anglers does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Five, and you should've seen the light bulb! It must have been "this***** big! Five of us were barely enough!"

　

Q: How many archaeologists does it take to change a lightbulb ?

A: Undetermined.

One to change it and at least two to argue about each or all of the following;

how old the old one is

where it came from.

who made it

how was it made

was it the first

If not the first what was the first

who taught them how to make it

...............(fill in the rest)

 

Q: How many armies does it take to change a lightbulb ?

A: At least five. The Germans to start it, the French to give up really easily after only trying for a little while, the Italians to make a start, get nowhere, and then try again from the other side, the Americans to turn up late and finish it off and take all the credit, and the Swiss to pretend nothing out of the ordinary is happening.

 

Q: How many art directors does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Does it have to be a lightbulb?

 

Q: How many visitors to an art gallery does it take to screw in a light bulb ?

A: Two, one to do it and one to say "Huh ! My four-year old could've done that!"

 

　

[scottiejohn]

16 minutes ago, laislica said:

Hurt my arm this morning and had to go to hospital for an x-ray, as I was sitting waiting to be seen,

the lad next to me says,

" Fair fae yer honest sonsieface! Great chieftain o' the puddin race!!"

I was like, eh?!?!.

I turned my head round to the the lady sat on my other side,

she said, " ! Wee, sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie, O, what a panic's in thy breastie!".

I said to the next doctor walking past , "here mate is this the psychiatric ward?"

 

 

He says .......
.
"no sorry this is the burns unit"

Laislica;  You caught  me out!

As a Scot I should have posted that one two days ago as "Burns Night" is 25 Jan

Robert Burns (25 January 1759 – 21 July 1796).

 

[scottiejohn]

 

The teenage boy seemed placid as I approached his hospital bed to give him a psychiatric evaluation. His mother was seated nearby, immersed in her knitting.

I walked over and introduced myself to the boy. He looked right through me and started screaming: "I can’t see! I can’t see!"

I had never witnessed such a dramatic example of hysterical blindness. "How long has this been going on?" I asked his mother.

Without looking up, she replied, "Ever since you stepped in front of his television."

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

Little Johnny goes to the zoo with his parents. He points to the elephant and asked his mother,

"What's that thing hanging down?" His mother responded, "Oh that's his trunk."

Johnny says,

"No, not that! What's the thing hanging down between his legs?"

His mother shamefully brushes the question off,

"Oh, that's nothing."

Johnny asked his father,

"What's that thing hanging between the elephant's legs?"

His father said,

"That's his d*ck."

Johnny told him, "Mom said it was nothing."

Johnny's father replied,

 

 

"Your mom's been spoiled."

[scottiejohn]

[billd766]

5 hours ago, laislica said:

Hurt my arm this morning and had to go to hospital for an x-ray, as I was sitting waiting to be seen,

the lad next to me says,

" Fair fae yer honest sonsieface! Great chieftain o' the puddin race!!"

I was like, eh?!?!.

I turned my head round to the the lady sat on my other side,

she said, " ! Wee, sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie, O, what a panic's in thy breastie!".

I said to the next doctor walking past , "here mate is this the psychiatric ward?"

 

 

He says .......
.
"no sorry this is the burns unit"

 

That was 'orriboil.

 

Worth at least 4 stars though.

[laislica]

14 hours ago, billd766 said:

19 hours ago, laislica said:

Hurt my arm this morning and had to go to hospital for an x-ray, as I was sitting waiting to be seen,

the lad next to me says,

" Fair fae yer honest sonsieface! Great chieftain o' the puddin race!!"

I was like, eh?!?!.

I turned my head round to the the lady sat on my other side,

she said, " ! Wee, sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie, O, what a panic's in thy breastie!".

I said to the next doctor walking past , "here mate is this the psychiatric ward?"

 

 

He says .......
.
"no sorry this is the burns unit"

 

That was 'orriboil.

 

Worth at least 4 stars though.

 

Thanks for that.

I do try to find a Worst Joke Ever.

 

 

My Mum said I was very trying at times.

She knew me well!

 

[laislica]

Can I do it again?

 

Beware of Pensioners!

 

A little old lady went into the headquarters of the Bank of America, one day, carrying a large bag of money. 

She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, “It’s a lot of money!”

 

The receptionist objected, stating, “You can’t just walk in here and expect to see the president of the Bank of America. 

“He’s a very busy man.”

 

“But I am here to make a very large cash deposit,” added the old woman.

 

The receptionist momentarily looked at the sack of money, then walked back to one of the rear offices.

 

She came back and said,

“You’re in luck this morning, he will see you,” and ushered her in to see the president of the Bank of America.

 

When she walked in to a large office with a nicely tailored man behind a great rosewood desk. 

The bank president stood up and asked, “How can I help you?”

 

She replied, “I would like to open a savings account,” and placed the bag of money on his desk.

“How much would you like to deposit?” he asked curiously.

 

“$500,000, if you please,” and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk.

 

The President was surprised to see all this cash, so he asked her,

“Ma’am, I’m surprised you’re carrying so much cash around, especially a woman at your stage in life.

Where did you come by this kind of money?”  

 

The old lady coyly replied, “I make bets.”

Surprised, the president then asked, “Bets? 

What kind of bets?” 

 

The old woman said, “Well, for example, I’ll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square.”

“What?!” cried the man, “you want to bet me $25,000 that my balls, my testicles, are square?”

He could hardly hold back from laughing.

 

“Yes, you heard me. 

In fact, by ten o’clock tomorrow morning, I’ll bet you $25,000 that your balls will be square.”

 

The man smiled broadly, thinking he had a live one. 

“You’ve got yourself a bet!” and shook her hand.

 

The little old lady then said, “Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 a.m. as a witness?”

“Sure!” replied the confident president.

 

That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. 

He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.

 

The next morning, at precisely 10:00 a.m., the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president’s office. 

She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: “$25,000 says the president’s balls are square!”

The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. 

 

The president complied.

 

The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them.

 

“Well, Okay,” said the president, obviously embarrassed.

Thinking to himself, “$25,000 is a lot of money, I guess it’s okay.”

 

He then said, “Yes, $25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure.” 

 

As the old woman started to feel the banker’s testicles, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall.

 

The president asked the old lady, “What the hell’s the matter with your lawyer?”

 

The old lady replied, “Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 a.m. today,

 

I’d have the balls of the president of the Bank of America in my hands.”

 

 

 

[laislica]

OK Last try today!

 

All is not what it seems!

 

An eccentric lady was in need of a piano player for her upcoming party.

She placed ads and spread the word but could not find a suitable one.

 

A bum knocked on her door and when she saw the state of his condition, she answered, “Go away.”

He said, “Please, won’t you just give me a chance, I’m a piano player.”

 

She was desperate so she let him in.

After his performance, she couldn’t believe her ears. “Wow! That sounded great, best I’ve heard in years.

What was the name of that song?”

The bum answered, “Oh, it’s ‘I Love Me Wife So Much I Took A Big Dump’.”

“Oh” she says, “How unusual, would you play another?”

 

He proceeded to play another tune and again she was astounded by the performance.

“That was fantastic” she said, “What was the name of that tune?”

“That one is called ‘I Took My Wife From Behind And Made A Mess All Over The Carpet’.”

 

“How unusual” she replied and said, “You’ve got the job, but please do me a favor and if anyone asks the names of your songs, please don’t tell them.

And do something about your clothes; you look terrible.

Go and buy a tux for the party.”

 

The bum was happy about his new job and had never bought a tux before and wound up getting one that was three sizes too small.

At the big party, the crowd was amazed at his performance once again.

 

He bowed at the crowd back and forth and ripped out the whole rear end of his trousers.

One lady stepped forward clapping and said,

“Sir, you are a great piano player but do you know you have a hairy ass and your balls are hanging out?”

 

With a smile, the bum replied,

 

“Lady, know it?

 

I wrote it!”

 

[scottiejohn]

On ‎27‎/‎01‎/‎2018 at 9:04 PM, billd766 said:

That was 'orriboil.

 

Worth at least 4 stars though.

Good one.

I think your head needs "boilin" for that one.  Time to go back and play with your "Tam o' Shanter" and deduct four stars.

[scottiejohn]

Sorry "laislica" if you were confused with the above.

My obscure references are to "Tam o' Shanter" a famous poem by Burns and also the name given to a Scottish piece of headgear.  "Goan Boil yer heid"  (go and boil your head) is a well known saying in Scotland if you are considered to be talking rubbish or through the top of your head and "Stars" are in reference to a very famous Scottish Song The Star o' Rabbie Burns by James Thomson.

 

Meanwhile Back to

 

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

After my wife landed a coveted job offer from DHL with a big promotion, large salary, company car etc, we went out of town to celebrate at a big swanky Hotel.

Early in the morning, after what can only be called a "night of excess", she was contacted by the company’s human resources department (HR) by mobile with an urgent request to send them originals, not copies, of her last three years of tax returns, birth certificate, diplomas etc.

"No problem," she said. "I’ll FedEx them right over as they are more reliable with precious documents than you lot at DHL."

 

Still not sure why the job offer was rescinded!

[scottiejohn]

[Ron19]

A horse and a chicken were walking down a country road and they saw that there was some corn just across the ditch by the road. 

The horse walked over to eat the corn. 

Before he got to the corn he became stuck in the mud. For all his trying he could not get out of the mud. 

So he tells the chicken, “Hey, go over to that farm house and get some help to get me out of this mud.”

When the chicken gets to the farm house, he can’t find anybody to help him get the horse out of the mud. 

However, he notices that there is a Mercedes parked in the driveway and the keys are in the ignition. 

The chicken drives the Mercedes back down the road, ties a rope he found to the Mercedes and throws the other end to the horse. 

In a jiffy the horse is out of the mud.

The two proceed down the road again. 

And again they see some more corn on the side of the road. 

This time the chicken crosses over the ditch to get the corn. 

And as luck would have it, the chicken gets stuck in the mud. 

The chicken tells the horse, “Hey, go get that Mercedes and pull me out of this mud.” 

The horse surveys the problem and says, “I think I can straddle this ditch because it is not too big and when I do just grab my dick and I’ll pull you out of the mud.” 

The horse does as he say sand the chicken is pulled out of the mud.

So what is the moral of this story?

When you hung like a horse, you don’t need a Mercedes to pick up chicks!

[scottiejohn]

 

A new businessman buys a saloon back in the old wild west.

The place is hopping on opening night. People are drinking, dancing, gambling, and fighting. His business venture is off to a great start for its first night until some dude runs in the door and yells,

"Head to the hills! Big Dave's a comin!"

The whole place empties out in the blink of an eye.

The place falls silent as he stands behind the bar all by his lonesome. Soon, a shadow casts over the building. In through the swinging doors ducks the biggest man he's ever seen in his life. He must be seven feet tall and weigh five hundred pounds. He walks up to the bar with a frightening stare from yellow eyes.

 

"Whiskey!" his voice booms.

 

The proprietors knees are knocking so hard you could here them from Texas.

His hands are shaking so bad he could barely hold the bottle still enough to open it. The giant snatches the bottle out of his hands, bites the neck off the bottle, chews the glass and downs the whole contents.

"Dddoo do yyou wwwwhanttt aaanother?" stuttered the barkeep.

"Ain't got no time." he replied.

 

 

" Big Dave's coming!"

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

Tony ‘The Knuckles' goes to church.

He asked the priest for the Lord's help.

"With what can our Lord help you with?"

"It's my hearing, father. I'm really worried."

The priest asks him to bow his head.

The priest puts his hand on Tony's head and says a short prayer. The priest asks, "Now, is your hearing any better?"

Tony says, "I don't know father."

 

" My lawyer says the hearing is not till next Wednesday in front of the Lord Chief Justice  Erskine-Brown in the High Court."

Edited January 29, 2018 by scottiejohn

[Ron19]

Donald visits an elementary school one day.

In one of the classes, students are in the middle of a discussion about words and their meanings.

The teacher asks Donald if he’d like to lead the discussion of the word “tragedy.”

He agrees to do so and asks the class for an example of a tragedy.

One little boy Ron stands up and says, “If my best friend who lives on a farm, is playing football in the pitch and a runaway tractor comes along and runs him over and kills him, that would be a tragedy.”

“No,” says Donald, “That would be an accident.”

Next a little girl Megan raises her finger and says, “If a school bus carrying thirty children went off a cliff and fall in the sea, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.”

“No, I’m afraid not,” says Donald. “That’s what we would call a great loss.”

The class in silence for a few seconds as no other children volunteer.

Donald looks around the room and says a little testily, “Isn’t there anyone here who can give me a true example of a tragedy?”

At last, a little boy Curtis at the back of the class raises his finger and says, “If a private jet carrying you, sir, was struck by a rocket and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.”

“That’s exactly right!” shouts Donald, “And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?”

“Well,” says Curtis, “Because I am sure, it wouldn’t be a great loss and it probably wouldn’t be an accident either.”

[wayned]

A real tragedy would be if Donald was elected President of the USA!  And he was!!!

[scottiejohn]

6 hours ago, wayned said:

A real tragedy would be if Donald was elected President of the USA!  And he was!!!

And "what a Donald *uck was that" said Minnie and a lot of the rest of the world!

[Ron19]

Waiting In Front Of The Gates Of Heaven

There was a long, long line of spirits at the gate waiting to get into heaven. Not all these spirits could fit into heaven, so the ones who died the worst death would be allowed in.

The first man Bruno in line started telling his story, “Well,Gabriel, you see, I noticed that my wife was cheating on me so I decided to come home early from work one day to catch them in bed. I got home and searched all over but I couldn”t find him. Then when I walked out onto the balcony, there he was dangling off the darn thing by his fingertips. So I ran and got a hammer then started beating him with it and he fell. Well, the fall didn’t kill him, because he landed in a bush so I picked up the refrigerator and threw it on him. Although that killed him, the stress gave me a heart attack, and here I am.”

The next guy Sanjay came up and started his story. “St.Gabriel, I always work out on my balcony on the 14th floor of my apartment building. I was on my bike one day and I fell off when it flipped. I sailed over the rail and I thought ”Please God spare my life” and he did. I caught on to a balcony below me. I was even happier when a man discovered me hanging there. But all of a sudden he started beating my hands with a hammer so I fell again. But the dear Lord saved me again when I landed in a bush. But I”m here now because the guy threw his refrigerator on top of me.”

It was now the third guy Marcus’s turn to start his story. “Well,Gabriel, just picture this. I’m hiding full naked in this married chick”s refrigerator…”

[fasteddie]

[riceyummm]

On 1/12/2018 at 6:01 PM, scottiejohn said:

The problem with a Forum/Topic title of "worst joke" is when one says they "like" the "joke" posting does one mean;

 

a That is the worst joke ever and therefore not funny as it is not a joke.

b That is the worst joke ever and therefore very funny as it is a very good joke. 

or in my case

c To hell with it, I just like the joke and will post or "like" it anyway.

 

Any comments?

 

 

C