An Eskimo was riding across the tundra on his snowmobile, when it started sputtering.

The Eskimo cruised into town, and stopped at a mechanic's shop.

After five or ten minutes, the mechanic returns, and says, "Look's like you just blew a seal."

To which the Eskimo replied, "No, that's just frost on my mustache."

A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup.

As she takes off her blouse, the doctor notices a red 'H' on her chest.

"How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor.

"Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup.

As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue 'Y' on her chest.

"How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor.

"Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green 'M' on her chest.

"Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor.

"No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin,

Why do you ask?"

Two guys are sitting in a bar getting pretty loaded. Suddenly, one of them throws up all over himself.

"Aw man, my wife is going to kill me when she sees this," he says.

His buddy replies, "Don't worry about it.

That happened to me before.

Here's what you do. Put a $20 bill in your pants pocket.

When you get home, tell your wife that some drunk threw up on you and he gave you the twenty to pay for the cleaning, OK?"

"All right, I'll try it."

So he goes home and his wife immediately starts bitching about his suit. "Now look what you've done to yourself!!"

"No, no, honey," he slurs back. "Some drunk guy puked on me, but he gave me this twenty bucks to get my suit cleaned."

With that he reaches into his pocket and throws the money on the table.

His wife looks at it and says, "I thought that you said he only gave you one $20.

How come there are two Twenties here?" The man slurs back,

"He sh1t in my pants, too."

The man's on a roll!

Undulating

A man walks into a bar with two dogs.

The bartender asks, "are those Jack Russels?".

The man replies, "No. they are mine."

A priest, a rabbi, and a pastor are sitting in a bar, across the street from a brothel.

They are sipping their drinks when they see a rabbi walk in to the brothel.

"Oy! It's awful to see a man of the cloth give into temptation", says the rabbi.
A short while later, they see a pastor walk into the brothel.

"Damn! It's terrible to see a man of the cloth give into such temptation", says the pastor.
In a little bit, they see a priest enter the brothel.
"It's nice to see the ladies, who have been used so poorly, have time to confess their sins", says the priest.

Not guilty for this one:-

Australian indigenous egg-laying mammal that's come second in an argument with a road-train:-

Truck-killed-flattypus

I already have my coat ...

An old man is walking in Amsterdam and passes a hooker standing at her door.
She asks him: "Granddad, why don't we give it a try?"
He says: "no girl, that is no longer possible for me."
Says the hooker: "Come on, what have we got to lose, we can give it a try."
They both go inside. They undress and then he acts like a young man and is giving it her 5 times in a row.
"Oh my God", says the hooker, "and you said that it wasn't no longer possible for you."
Says the old man: "o, screwing is still going well, it's the paying that is no longer possible!!..

Q: What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?
A: Their balls are just for decoration.

Mother superior tells two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes. One nun suggests to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door." So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, "Who is it?" "Blind man!" The nuns look at each other and one nun says, "He's blind, so he can't see. What could it hurt?" They let him in. The blind man walks in and says, "Hey, nice tits. Where do you want me to hang the blinds?"

My wife's 1 English joke----

Where do the sheep sit at the pub........................ on the Baaa stools

I lost my virginity very late.

When it finally happened

I wasn't so much deflowered

as deadheaded.

Throwing acid is wrong, in some people’s eyes.

I haven’t talked to my wife in three weeks. I didn’t want to interrupt her.

The first time I got a universal remote control, I thought to myself “This changes everything.”

My grandfather has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the local zoo.

People say I’m condescending. That means i talk down to people.

I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one

Knock, knock
Who's there?

Arthur

Arthur who?
Arthur any mince pies left?

Who is going to invent a way for us to donate body fat to those in need?

I'll go first....

He He, I wonder how many forgot to remove the child?

A neutron walked into a bar and asked, "How much for a drink?" The bartender replied, "For you, no charge."

I’m reading a great book on anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.

Argon walks into a bar, bartender says "SCRAM! We don't serve Noble gasses!" Argon doesn't react.

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.
The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.

Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero?
He’s 0K now.

Why does hamburger yield lower energy than steak?
Because it's in the ground state.

Higgs Boson goes to the Vatican. The pope says "What you doing here Higgs?" Higgs replies "You can't have mass without me!"
How do you organize a space party? You planet.

There are 10 kinds of people in this world. Those who understand binary. And those who don't.

A photon checks into a hotel and is asked if he needs any help with his luggage. He says, "No, I'm traveling light."

How should chemistry be studied? Periodically.

Adam went to Wimpy's Hamburger Restaurant. He asked the waitress, "Do you really serve the meanest burgers in town?" She said, "That's what our motto is, sir! And we are very true to it."
Adam ordered a hamburger and ate it. While collecting the check, the waitress asked him, "How did you like our burger, sir?"
Adam said, "Mmmeh! It was about average." The waitress beamed with joy and exclaimed, "You see! We are so true to our motto..."

Silver and Gold walk into a bar.
Bartender says “‘ey you, get outta here!”
Gold leaves the bar.

I have a new theory on inertia but it doesn’t seem to be gaining momentum.

A Higgs boson walks into a church. The priest says, "Get out, you blasphemer. How dare you call yourself the 'God particle'?" The Higgs boson replies: "But I make up the mass."

The past, the present, and the future walk into a bar. It was tense.

What did the nuclear physicist have for lunch?
Fission Chips.

A Mathematician, a Biologist and a Physicist are sitting in a street cafe watching people going in and coming out of the house on the other side of the street. First they see two people going into the house. Time passes. After a while they notice three persons coming out of the house.
The Physicist: "The measurement wasn't accurate.".
The Biologist: "They have reproduced".
The Mathematician: "If now exactly one person enters the house then it will be empty again."

I constantly push the envelope, but it stays stationary.

Where does bad light land?
In Prism.

A neutrino walks into a bar. Bartender says, "We don't serve your kind." Neutrino replies, "Just passing through."

What do you call a microbiologist that has traveled to every country in the world?
A man of many cultures.

Old chemistry teachers never die, they just fail to react.

A linguistics professor decided to spice up his lecture by comparing languages to mathematics. As he scribbled examples on the board, he explained how both math and languages had positives and negatives. "In both math and language, two negatives, when combined, make a positive. However," he droned on, "in math or language two positives never make a negative."
From the back row of the room one student sighed, "Yeah, right."

Why did the chicken cross the Möbius strip? To get to the same side.

Mac: I don't know much about electricity
Teacher: It is shocking.

Do you know any good jokes about sodium? Na.

Two atoms are walking along. One of them says:
“Oh, no, I think I lost an electron.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes, I’m positive.”

Do you know the name Pavlov? It rings a bell.

Have you heard that entropy isn't what it used to be?

What did the biologist wear on his first date?
Designer jeans.

Two bytes are in a bar. One says to the other, "I'm not feeling that well. I think I have a parity error". The other byte responds, "I thought you looked a bit off!"

Where do you put dirty dishes?
In the zinc.

What did the thermometer say to the graduated cylinder?
You may have graduated but I've got many degrees.

Heisenberg is driving one one day, with Schrödinger riding shotgun. They get pulled over."Do you have any idea how fast you where going?" the officer asks. "No," replies Heisenberg, "but I know precisely where I was." Suspicious, the officer asks that they pop the trunk. He asks, "Did you know you've got a dead cat in here?" Schrödinger replies, "Well, we do now!"

What does a subatomic duck say? Quark!

A man walks into a bar, goes to the bartender and says, "Give me ten times the number of drinks everyone has in this bar!"
The bartender says, "Wow. That's an order of magnitude."

Why didn’t the quantum particle cross the road? He was already on both sides.

Rene Descartes is sitting in a bar, having a drink. The bartender asks him if he would like another. "I think not," he says, and vanishes in a puff of logic.

There are 3 types of people in the world. Those that can count, and those that can't.

Teacher: The Amazon river flows in which state?
Mac: In liquid state.

What do they do to dead chemists?
Barium.

Absolute zero is cool.

Why is electricity so dangerous?
It doesn't conduct itself.

A quantum physicist walks into a bar... ...maybe.

An SQL query walks into a bar, goes up to two tables and asks, "May I join you?"

Black Holes suck.

I want to make a good chemistry joke, but all the good ones Argon.

Never trust atoms. They make up everything.

I've just ordered a chicken and an egg off Amazon............... I'll let you know

How does Darth Vader know what presents Luke Skywalker has got for Christmas?

He felt his presents..

My Christmas cake has gone missing. I think it's Stollen.