If you ever get cold, just stand in the corner of a room for a while. They're normally around 90 degrees.

My wife bet me I couldn't build a car out of spaghetti.........

......

Should have seen her face when I drove pasta.

Q: How do trees access the internet?

A: They log in.

How do you embarrass an archaeologist? Show him a used tampon and ask, "What period is this from?"

If money doesn't grow on trees, why do banks have branches?

Q: What do you call a belt with a watch on it?

A: A waist of time.

Q: What has more lives than a cat?

A: A frog because it croaks every night.

For some reason, I love electric fences.

I just can't put my finger on it!

Hey guys!!!!

There was a blonde who just got sick and tired of all the blonde jokes. One evening, she went home and memorized all the state capitals. Back in the office the next day, some guy started telling a dumb blonde joke. She interrupted him with a shrill announcement, "I've had it up to here with these blonde jokes. I want you to know that this blonde went home last night and did something probably none of you could do. I memorized all the state capitals." One of the guys, of course, said, "I don't believe you. What is the capital of Nevada?" "N," she answered.

A robber comes into the store & steals a TV. A blonde runs after him and says, "Wait, you forgot the remote!"

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?" In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something. Our bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I’m a six foot tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is six foot two, weighs 225, and he’s a rugby player. The fella to your right is six foot five, pushing 300, and he’s a wrestler. Each one of us is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?" The blind guy says, “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times."

Wat's long, red and airy?

No not my boyfriends c@ck

A double decker bus with the windows open, silly.

Q: What bone won't a dog eat?

A: A trombone.

During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:

"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento"

When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters and have at least one capital.

A funny meme.

Ten Things I Know About You

1) You are reading this.

2) You are human.

3) You can’t say the letter ”P” without separating your lips.

4) You just attempted to do it.

6) You are laughing at yourself.

7) You have a smile on your face and you skipped No. 5.

8 You just checked to see if there is a No. 5.

9) You laugh at this because you are a fun loving person & everyone does it too.

10) You are probably going to send this to see who else falls for it.

Edited December 30, 201510 yr by Wilsonandson

In the Aberdeenshire countryside a man enters the local Catholic Church and at confessional says to the Priest,

"Faither, it has been one month since my last confession, and I've sinned wi Fannie Reid every week for the past month."
The Priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's."

Soon, another man enters the confessional.
"Faither, it has been twa months since my last confession. I have sinned wi Fannie Reid twice a wik for the past twa months."
This time the Priest asks, "Who is this Fannie Reid?"
"A new quine in the neighbourhood Faither, she is affa, affa bonny, she looks a wee bit like Judy Garland in the Wizard of Oz" the sinner replies.
"Very well," says the Priest. "Go and say ten Hail Mary's."

The next morning in church, the Priest is preparing to deliver his sermon, when a beautiful woman looking a little bit like Judy Garland, with a tiny dog a little bit like Toto enters the church.
All the men's eyes fall upon her as she goes up the aisle, and sits in front of the Altar.
Her dress is very short, and she is wearing shiny ruby red shoes.

The Priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone-style.
The Priest turns to the altar boy and asks in a whisper,
"Is that Fannie Reid?"

The altar boy replies ... ..............

"A dinnae think so Faither, a think it's jist the reflection aff her shoes"

A funny meme.

Unfortunately, he got run over by a fish truck.

There was a preacher who fell in the ocean and he couldn't swim. When a boat came by, the captain yelled, "Do you need help, sir?" The preacher calmly said "No, God will save me." A little later, another boat came by and a fisherman asked, "Hey, do you need help?" The preacher replied again, "No God will save me." Eventually the preacher drowned & went to heaven. The preacher asked God, "Why didn't you save me?" God replied, "Fool, I sent you two boats!"

A blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says, "Six Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident." The blonde starts crying to her husband, sobbing, "That's horrible!" Confused, he replies, "Yes Dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and there is always that risk involved." After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, "How many is a Brazilian?"

A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner. The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black. The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes. Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red. Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time. To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes. The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?" The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV, it's a microwave!"

Why did the blonde get fired from her job at the m&m factory?

She kept throwing out all the 'w's

one Post - in very poor Taste - hidden

one Post - in very poor Taste - hidden

Where did you hide it ?

one Post - in very poor Taste - hidden

Where did you hide it ?

And I thought we were all friends around here ... tsk.

Sorry everyone, no more bad taste jokes from me. Have a Happy New Year, cheers!

A woman was walking along pushing her newborn baby in the carriage
when an old friend approached her. The friend leaned over, peering
into the carriage said, "What a beautiful baby boy, and he looks
JUST like his father."

"I know", replied the woman, "I just wish he looked more like my
husband!

How do you pick Dolly Parton's kids out of a crowd?

They're the ones with stretch marks around their lips.

Sorry everyone, no more bad taste jokes from me. Have a Happy New Year, cheers!

I did make me spit my beer in the keyboard mind

A mafioso's son sits at his desk writing a Christmas list to Jesus. He first writes, "Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy the whole year, so I want a new..." He looks at it, then crumples it up into a ball and throws it away.

He gets out a new piece of paper and writes again, "Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy for most of the year, so I want a new..." He again looks at it and throws it away.

He then gets an idea. He goes into his mother's room, takes a statue of the Virgin Mary, puts it in the closet and locks the door. He takes another piece of paper and writes, "Dear baby Jesus, if you ever want to see your mother again..."