Worst Joke Ever

[Living in a cartoon]

Couple of guys go out hunting. They split up and head down a wooded ravine to scare up some game.

One of them sees some rustling in the brush and takes a shot.

He gets to the spot he shot at and is horrified to see his friend motionless on the ground.

He pulls out his cell phone and dials 911, telling the dispatcher tearfully "I accidentally shot my friend, I think he's dead!"

Dispatcher says "Well calm down, calm down. First, check and make sure he's dead"

Dispatcher hears a gunshot, and the man comes back on the line and says "OK, I'm sure, now what?"

[Living in a cartoon]

Couple of guys go out hunting. They split up and head down a wooded ravine to scare up some game.

One of them sees some rustling in the brush and takes a shot.

He gets to the spot he shot at and is horrified to see his friend motionless on the ground.

He pulls out his cell phone and dials 911, telling the dispatcher tearfully "I accidentally shot my friend, I think he's dead!"

Dispatcher says "Well calm down, calm down. First, check and make sure he's dead"

Dispatcher hears a gunshot, and the man comes back on the line and says "OK, I'm sure, now what?"

There's a second version to the joke, after the first four lines. Goes like this:

Dispatcher says, "Get him to the hospital as quick as you can!:

Man gets his friend loaded in the pickup, drives to the ER at a nearby hospital. His friend is rushed in, and he waits.

Doctor comes out of the operating room.

Man runs up to the doc, who tells him his friend is dead. The man breaks-down in tears, "How could this have happened?"

Doctor says, "You know, he might have had a chance if you hadn't field-dressed him."

[White Christmas13]

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today, than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs, huge erections, and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

[White Christmas13]

Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight . When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills. The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad, they're very strong and very expensive." "How much?" asked Grandpa. "$10.00 a pill," answered the son. "I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow. " Later the next morning, the son found $110 under the pillow. He called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was $10, not $110. "I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma!"

[loong]

Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight . When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills. The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad, they're very strong and very expensive." "How much?" asked Grandpa. "$10.00 a pill," answered the son. "I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow. " Later the next morning, the son found $110 under the pillow. He called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was $10, not $110. "I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma!"

Not fair. This is supposed to be the worst joke thread.

I was enjoying a beer when I read this and the beer shot out of my nose when I laughed!

[White Christmas13]

Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight . When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills. The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad, they're very strong and very expensive." "How much?" asked Grandpa. "$10.00 a pill," answered the son. "I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow. " Later the next morning, the son found $110 under the pillow. He called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was $10, not $110. "I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma!"

Not fair. This is supposed to be the worst joke thread.

I was enjoying a beer when I read this and the beer shot out of my nose when I laughed!

I will reimburse you for your beer if to tell me where you live

[WitawatWatawit]

Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight . When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills. The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad, they're very strong and very expensive." "How much?" asked Grandpa. "$10.00 a pill," answered the son. "I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow. " Later the next morning, the son found $110 under the pillow. He called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was $10, not $110. "I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma!"

Not fair. This is supposed to be the worst joke thread.

I was enjoying a beer when I read this and the beer shot out of my nose when I laughed!

I will reimburse you for your beer if to tell me where you live

I suggest you send his wife a Viagra pill and make yourself some money.

[Rob13]

After 35 years, mailman George decided to retire. On his last day, he makes his usual rounds.

When he arrives at the first house, the whole family comes out, congratulates him, and sends him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house, they present him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house hand him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the next house, he is met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She takes him by the hand and leads him up to the bedroom, where she blows his mind with the most passionate sex he has ever experienced.

When done, they go downstairs, where she fixes him a giant breakfast. As she pours him a cup of coffee, he notices a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

"All this is just too wonderful for words," he says, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she says, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that I wanted to do something special for you. I asked him what to give you.He said, 'Screw him,give him a dollar'. The breakfast was my idea.

Edited February 4, 2016 by Rob13

[Living in a cartoon]

Now that's funny. Keep 'em commin', Rob13!

[White Christmas13]

A couple are rushing into the hospital because the wife is going into labor. As they walk, a doctor says to them that he has invented a machine that splits the pain between the mother and father. They agree to it and are led into a room where they get hooked up to the machine. The doctor starts it off at 20% split towards the father. The wife says, "Oh, that's actually better." The husband says he can't feel anything. Then the doctor turns it to 50% and the wife says that it doesn't hurt nearly as much. The husband says he sill can't feel anything. The Doctor, now encouraged, turns it up to 100%. The husband still can't feel anything, and the wife is really happy, because there is now no pain for her. The baby is born. The couple go home and find the postman groaning in pain on the doorstep.

[Muzarella]

A guy walk to a bartender with a challenge. " I will pay you $100 if I cannot pi from here inside of that cup 3 meters away" The bartender accepted.

The guy pi all over the bar ..but not even close to the cup. After the bartender stop laughing, the guy paid the $100 to him.

The bartender got the money saying..."That was the easiest money I gain lately...why you did that?

The guy responded..."Because I beat with that guy on the table that he will pay me $300 if I pi all over your bar and you will be happy about..

Edited February 6, 2016 by Muzarella

[Ron19]

young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He Notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.

So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up.In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.". So, he goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that has not been opened for hundreds of years.

Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing, "We missed the" R ", we missed the" R ". His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.

The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?". With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was CELEBRATE!".

[Ron19]

There was nothing to do on this Thursday night,
so the two co-eds were just hanging around the apartment.
Brenda, who was dressed in only a in bra and panties, was
jiggling back and forth around their place doing some chores.
Abby, who was sitting on the bed, decided this was the night
that she would reveal her secret to her room mate.
"Take a break", Abby said to her friend, "Come over here and sit
down".
As soon as Brenda sat on the bed, Abby leaned over and kissed her
full on the lips.
"I've always wanted to tell you something" Abby said, "It's kinda
hard
to say this... Well, let me be frank".
Brenda leaned toward her friend and said in a sexually husky voice:
"No darling... Let me be Frank".

[White Christmas13]

The huge college freshman decided to try out for the football team. "Can you tackle?" asked the coach. "Watch this," said the freshman, who proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole, shattering it to splinters. "Wow," said the coach. "I'm impressed. Can you run?" "Of course I can run," said the freshman. He was off like a shot, and, in just over nine seconds, he had run a hundred yard dash. "Great!" enthused the coach. "But can you pass a football?" The freshman hesitated for a few seconds. "Well, sir," he said, "if I can swallow it, I can probably pass it."

[White Christmas13]

Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off." The man replies, "And how would you do that?" The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside down from the ceiling. The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?" The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb." The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off." The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?" The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."

[White Christmas13]

A local red cross office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you did not give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?" The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?" Embarrassed, the red cross rep mumbled, "Um, no." The lawyer interrupts, "Or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?" The stricken red cross rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again. "Or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!" The humiliated red cross rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea." On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

[Ron19]

Four Jewish ladies meet after 30 years at their High School Reunion.

One goes to take food while the other 3 start to talk about how successful their sons became.

No. 1 says her son studied economics, became a banker and is so rich, he

gave his best friend a Ferrari.

No. 2 said her son became a pilot, started his own airline became so rich,

he gave his best friend a jet.

No. 3 said her son became an engineer, started his own development company became so rich, he built his best friend a castle.

No 4. came back with a plate full of food and asked what the buzz is

about. They told her they were talking about how successful their sons

became and asked her about her son. She said her son is gay and he works in a Gay Bar.

The other three said she must be very disappointed with her son for not

becoming successful. "Oh no !! " said the Lady, he is doing good.

"Just last week on his birthday he got a Ferrari, a jet and a castle from three of his boyfriends..." .

The other three fainted.

[laislica]

WHY MEN DON'T WRITE ADVICE COLUMNS...
Dear John,
I hope you can help me?
The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching TV.

My car started stalling and then broke down about a mile down the road.

I had to walk back to get my husband's help.

When I got home, I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor's daughter! I am 32, my husband is 34, and the Neighbor's daughter is 22.

We have been married for ten years.

When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I need advice urgently.
Can you please help?
Sincerely, Sheila

Dear Sheila:
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine.

Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line.

If clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold.

It could also be that the fuel pump itself is faulty.

I hope this helps...
John

[Rob13]

A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun.

The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''

[White Christmas13]

A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around. "What the hell do you think you're doing?" "I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line." "Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"

[Bantex]

A man walks into a pet shop and asks the assistant for a Bee, the assistant says they sell dogs, cats etc but do not sell Bee's to which the man replies you have one in the window.

[loong]

A man walks into a butchers and says "I'd like half a pound of flies please"

The butcher says "We are a butchers, we don't sell flies!"

"Why do you have so many in your window?"

[Bantex]

[White Christmas13]

Being an astronaut is funny. It's the only job where you get fired before you start work.

[White Christmas13]

Q: What's the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist?

A: The genealogist checks the family tree and the gynecologist checks the family bush.

[White Christmas13]

An old man takes his grandson fishing in a local pond one day. After 20 minutes of fishing, the old man fires up a cigar. The young boy asks, "Grandpa, can I have a cigar?" The old man asks, "Son, can your d*ck touch your <deleted>?" The young boy says no. "Then u can't have a cigar." Another 20 minutes passes, and the old man opens a beer. The young boy asks, "Grandpa, can I have a beer?" The old man asks, "Son, can your d*ck touch your <deleted>?" The young boy says no. "Well, then u can't have a beer." Another 20 minutes passes, and the young boy opens a bag of potato chips. The old man asks, "Son, can I have some of your chips?" The boy asks, "Well, Grandpa, can your d*ck touch your <deleted>?" The old man says, "It sure can." The boy says, "Well good, then go <deleted> yourself, these are my chips."

[Rob13]

A fat woman was lying on the sofa watching TV. Her husband walks in the room with a sheep under his arm and says: " Honey, this is the fat pig I've been <deleted> when you're not here " The wife says; " It's a sheep you idiot. " The man looks at her and says: " I wasn't talking to you "

Edited February 8, 2016 by Rob13

[laislica]

A man in Michigan's Upper Peninsula wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof.

So he looks in the yellow pages and, sure enough, there's an ad for "Up North Bear Removers."

He calls the number and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.

The bear remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, 12-gauge shotgun and a mean, heavily scarred, old pit bull.

"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks.

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat.

When the bear falls off the roof, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

He then hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."

[laislica]

Me: Oh wow, how much is the rent for this amazing apartment?

"Sir, this is the wine aisle of The Macro store."

[laislica]

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (

she is, after all, over 80 years of age),

but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand of condom she prefers.
'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'
The pharmacist fainted.