I asked my friend the other day "how is your wife?"

He replied "better than nothing "

For those of you who worry about reading some of my posts in case the

police come knocking on your door in the middle of the night?

Police raids don't knock.

The dolphin asks her to marry him and she snogs the bloke instead!

What a <deleted>.

Why are foreign language choices in school Spanish or French?

They should offer something with real world application like wookie or Vulcan.

I had a box made today. 6 inches wide and 50 foot long.

My neighbour's moved away and forgot his garden hose and wants me to post it to him.

Do dragons have a hard time blowing on their hot soup?

Back in the good old days when there were no smart phones-if you were feeling

old, angry, ugly, tired or miserable

there was a nap for that.

One of my buddies got himself a trophy wife.

Too bad it wasn't first place....

An Irishman goes to the Doctor with botty problems ....

'Dactor, he's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot '.

So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look.

'Incredible'he says,' there is a $ 20 note lodged up here. '.

Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a $ 10 pound note appears.

'This is amazing!' Exclaims the Doctor. '' What do you want me to do? '.

'Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man! 'Shrieks the patient.

The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another and another, etc .....

Finally the last note comes out and no more appear.

'Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter. Just out of interest, how moch was in dare den? '.

The Doctor counts the pile of cash and says '$ 1,990 exactly.'.

'Ah, dat'd be roit,' 'says the Irishman.

'I knew I was not feeling two grand ..'.

IRS funny cartoons and meme

Vladimir Putin, wanting to get on the good side of voters, goes to visit a school in Moscow to have a chat with the kids.

He talks to them about how Russia is a powerful nation and how he wants the best for the people.

At the end of the talk, there is a section for questions.

Little Sasha puts her hand up and says "I have two questions.

Why did the Russians take Crimea?

And why are we sending troops to Ukraine?"

Putin says "Good questions..." But just as he is about to answer, the bell rings and the kids go to lunch.

When they come back, they sit back down and there is room for some more questions,

another girl, Misha, puts her hand up and says,

"I have four questions.

My Questions are - Why did the Russians invade Crimea?

Why are we sending troops to Ukraine?

Why did the bell go 20 minutes early?

And Where is Sasha?

Funny cat memes.

A Polish tourist comes back home after visiting the USSR. He carries two very large and heavy suitcases. On his wrist is a new Soviet-made watch. He tells the customs man: "This is a new Soviet watch. It's a wonder unknown in the capitalist countries. You see, it shows time, the rate of your pulse beats, the phases of the Moon, the weather in Warsaw, Moscow, and New York, and more and more!"

"Yes, it's a wonder," the customs man agrees. "And what is it you have in these big suitcases?"

"Oh, it's just the batteries for that watch."

Oldie

News just coming in:

An RUC Land Rover has crashed into a tree and 4 RUC officers have been injured. The IRA say they planted the tree.

Thank you Frank Carson

Better than a Flu Shot!

Miss Beatrice,The church organist,Was in her eighties

And had never been married. She was admired for her
sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor

came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.

She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea...

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young

minister noticed a cut glass
bowl sitting on top of it.

The bowl was filled with water,

and in the water floated of all things, a condom!

When she returned

With tea and scones, they

began to chat.The pastor

tried to stifle his curiosity

About the bowl of water and its
strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

'Miss Beatrice', he said,

'I wonder if you would tell me about this?

Pointing to the bowl.

'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful?

I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.

The directions said

to place it on the organ,

keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.
Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.

Jobs men cannot do......

Edited March 5, 201610 yr by laislica

Q: What did the hurricane say to the palm tree?
A: "Better hold onto your nuts because this is no ordinary blowjob."

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention.
She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.
The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it.
He did and returned to his class.
Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his "private part" hanging out. "I thought I told you to call your mom!" she said.
"I did," he said, "And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school.--

The price of oil has dropped so low....

Exxon-Mobil had to lay off 25 Congressmen!

-What do skinny jeans and cheap hotels have in common?

-No ballroom.

Better the Devil you know .. . .

A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and chatting among friends.

Suddenly, in a flash of light, Satan appeared in front of the congregation!

Everyone started screaming and running for the exits, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from the evil incarnate.

Soon the church was empty except for one elderly cowboy who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?'

The old cowboy replied, 'Yep, sure do'.

'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.

'Nope, sure ain't.' said the cowboy.

'Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan.

'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man, in an even tone.

'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?' persisted Satan.

'Yep,' was the calm reply.

'And you are still not afraid?' asked Satan.

'Nope,' said the old cowboy.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Why aren't you afraid of me?'

The old cowboy calmly replied, 'Been married to your sister for 48 years.'