Worst Joke Ever

[White Christmas13]

A man goes to his doctor.

"Doctor, how can I live longer than 100 years?"

"Do you smoke?" "No."

"Do you eat too much?" "No."

"Do you go to bed late?" "No."

"Do you have affairs with promiscuous women?" "No."

"Then why would you want to live more than 100 years?"

[laislica]

A man goes to his doctor.

"Doctor, how can I live longer than 100 years?"

"Do you smoke?" "No."

"Do you eat too much?" "No."

"Do you go to bed late?" "No."

"Do you have affairs with promiscuous women?" "No."

"Then why would you want to live more than 100 years?"

It was just as funny when Ron19 posted it in 4257, one page before he he

[Ron19]

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat !.

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith..

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement..

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?’, she queried, nearly fainting.

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand for long.'
Mrs. Smith fainted

[Ron19]

> An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini , Italy ,
> went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the
> panel in the confessional, the man said:
> "Father, during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our
> neighbourhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her
> from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."
> The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have
> no need to confess that."
> "There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual
> favours.
> This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays."
> The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did,
> you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those
> circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh.
> However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed
forgiven."
> "Thank you, Father. That is a great load off my mind.. I do have one
> more question."
> "And what is that?" asked the priest.
> "Should I tell her the war is over?''

Edited April 6, 2016 by Ron19

[Ron19]

WHAT IS YOUR VERDICT ?

BROTHEL SUES LOCAL CHURCH OVER LIGHTNING STRIKE !!

Mt. Vernon, Texas.

Diamond D's brothel began construction on an extension of their

building to increase their ever-growing business.

In response, the local Church started a campaign to block the business

from expanding - with morning, afternoon, and evening prayer sessions

at their church.

Work on Diamond D's progressed right up until the week before the

grand reopening when lightning struck the whorehouse and burned it to the ground!

After the brothel was burned by the lightning strike, the church folks

were rather smug in their outlook, bragging about "the never-ending

power of prayer."

But late last week 'Big Jugs' Jill Diamond, the owner/madam, sued the

church, the preacher and the entire congregation on the grounds that

the church... "was ultimately responsible for the demise of her

building and her business -- either through direct or indirect divine actions or means."

In its reply to the court, the church vehemently and voraciously

denied any, and all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise.

The crusty old judge, JP Reynolds, read through the plaintiff's

complaint and the defendant's reply, and at the opening hearing he commented:

"I don't know how the hell I'm going to decide this case, but it

appears from the paperwork, that we now have a whorehouse owner who

staunchly believes in the power of prayer - and an entire church

congregation that thinks it's all bullshit"

[nikmar]

After 20 years of marriage, a couple are lying in bed together watching TV. Suddenly the man reaches over and begins to gently caress his wife's neck.

Sliding his hand down, he caresses her shoulder, gently, almost maddeningly, brushing past her breast and down to her waist.

By now, shes getting breathless, closing her eyes and savouring her husbands touch.

Past her hips and down her legs. he had not been near her for years and now this, she thought.

His hand stopped at her knee and went up her other side. exactly the same.

When suddenly he rolls over and starts to watch TV.

"But darling", she said, "That was lovely, why did you stop?"

"I found the remote!"

[laislica]

[Ron19]

A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise.

After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the pastor's family expanded; so would his paycheck.

After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the pastor's expanding salary

A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the pastor's additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.

After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, "Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us."

Silence fell over the congregation..

In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubber boots."

The entire congregation said, "Amen.."

[laislica]

[laislica]

A Garda stopped at a farm in Co Galway and talked to an old farmer.

He told the farmer, "I need to inspect your farm for illegally grown drugs."

The farmer said, "okay, but don't go into that field over there...", as he pointed out the location.

The Garda verbally exploded and said, "look mister, I have the authority of the garda Síochána with me!"

Reaching into his rear back pocket, the arrogant garda removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the farmer.

"See this badge?! This badge means I can go wherever I want... On any land! No questions asked, no answers given!

Do you understand old man?!"

The farmer kindly nodded, apologized, and went about his farm work.

Moments later the farmer heard loud screams, he looked up and saw the garda running for his life, being chased by the farmers big Bull Mc Cabe

With every step the bull was gaining ground on the garda, and it was likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety.

The officer was clearly terrified.

The old farmer threw down his tools, ran as fast as he could to the fence, and yelled at the top of his lungs......

"YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR BADGE!"
Ya eejit

[laislica]

[laislica]

[laislica]

[riceyummm]

[riceyummm]

[1happykamper]

Why don't cannibals eat clowns?....... because they taste funny.

[ozsamurai]

What do cows have hooves??

...because they lactose.

I am legendairy!!!

[Rob13]

What do you call a cross between a Elephant and a Rhino?

Elephino.

[nikmar]

What do you call a potato with glasses on?

A spectater!

[Rob13]

Why'd the old man go fishing?

For the halibut.

Edited April 11, 2016 by Rob13

[nikmar]

why do chicken coops have 2 doors.

Because if they had 4 doors it would be a chicken sedan.

[1happykamper]

What did the fish say when it swam into the concrete wall...... damn!

[Rob13]

Why can't bicycles stand up on their own?

They're two tired.

[nikmar]

the worst preent you can give someone on their birthday is a Bonnie Tyler sat-nav.........

It keeps telling you to turn around and every now and then it falls apart.

[Ron19]

A Blonde goes to Heaven.

An Aussie Blonde was sent on her way to Heaven. Upon arrival, a concerned St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates.

'I'm sorry, 'St Peter said; 'But Heaven is suffering from an overload of godly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.'

'That's cool' said the Blonde, 'What does the Entrance Exam consist of?'

'Just three questions' said St Peter.

'Which are?' asked the Blonde.

'The first,' said St Peter, 'is, which two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?

The second is 'How many seconds are there in a year'?

The third is 'What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'

'Now,' said St Peter, 'Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me.'

So the Blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought (I expect you to do the same).

The following morning, St Peter called upon the Blonde and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replied, 'I have.'

'Well then,' said St Peter, 'Which two days of the week start with the letter T?'

The Blonde said, 'Today and Tomorrow.'

St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question.

'Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions' St Peter went on, 'how many seconds in a year?'

The Blonde replied, 'Twelve!'

'Only twelve' exclaimed St Peter, 'How did you arrive at that figure?'

'Easy,' said the Blonde, 'there's the second of January, the second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds.'

St Peter looked at the Blonde and said, 'I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision.' And he walked away shaking his head.

A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde. 'I'll allow the answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven. Now, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'

The blonde replied: 'Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer.'

'Really!' exclaimed St Peter, 'And what is the answer?'

'It's Andy.'

'Andy??'

'Yes, Andy,' said the Blonde.

This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to the blonde, asked 'How in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?'

'Easy' said the Blonde, 'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited till his billy boiled.'

And the Blonde entered Heaven...

[laislica]

A Blonde goes to Heaven.

An Aussie Blonde was sent on her way to Heaven. Upon arrival, a concerned St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates.

'I'm sorry, 'St Peter said; 'But Heaven is suffering from an overload of godly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.'

'That's cool' said the Blonde, 'What does the Entrance Exam consist of?'

'Just three questions' said St Peter.

'Which are?' asked the Blonde.

'The first,' said St Peter, 'is, which two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?

The second is 'How many seconds are there in a year'?

The third is 'What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'

'Now,' said St Peter, 'Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me.'

So the Blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought (I expect you to do the same).

The following morning, St Peter called upon the Blonde and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replied, 'I have.'

'Well then,' said St Peter, 'Which two days of the week start with the letter T?'

The Blonde said, 'Today and Tomorrow.'

St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question.

'Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions' St Peter went on, 'how many seconds in a year?'

The Blonde replied, 'Twelve!'

'Only twelve' exclaimed St Peter, 'How did you arrive at that figure?'

'Easy,' said the Blonde, 'there's the second of January, the second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds.'

St Peter looked at the Blonde and said, 'I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision.' And he walked away shaking his head.

A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde. 'I'll allow the answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven. Now, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'

The blonde replied: 'Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer.'

'Really!' exclaimed St Peter, 'And what is the answer?'

'It's Andy.'

'Andy??'

'Yes, Andy,' said the Blonde.

This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to the blonde, asked 'How in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?'

'Easy' said the Blonde, 'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited till his billy boiled.'

And the Blonde entered Heaven...

Yes I was singing it!

Great one thanks!

Edited April 12, 2016 by laislica

[Crossy]

A Blonde goes to Heaven.

An Aussie Blonde was sent on her way to Heaven. Upon arrival, a concerned St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates.

'I'm sorry, 'St Peter said; 'But Heaven is suffering from an overload of godly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.'

'That's cool' said the Blonde, 'What does the Entrance Exam consist of?'

'Just three questions' said St Peter.

'Which are?' asked the Blonde.

'The first,' said St Peter, 'is, which two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?

The second is 'How many seconds are there in a year'?

The third is 'What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'

'Now,' said St Peter, 'Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me.'

So the Blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought (I expect you to do the same).

The following morning, St Peter called upon the Blonde and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replied, 'I have.'

'Well then,' said St Peter, 'Which two days of the week start with the letter T?'

The Blonde said, 'Today and Tomorrow.'

St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question.

'Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions' St Peter went on, 'how many seconds in a year?'

The Blonde replied, 'Twelve!'

'Only twelve' exclaimed St Peter, 'How did you arrive at that figure?'

'Easy,' said the Blonde, 'there's the second of January, the second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds.'

St Peter looked at the Blonde and said, 'I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision.' And he walked away shaking his head.

A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde. 'I'll allow the answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven. Now, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'

The blonde replied: 'Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer.'

'Really!' exclaimed St Peter, 'And what is the answer?'

'It's Andy.'

'Andy??'

'Yes, Andy,' said the Blonde.

This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to the blonde, asked 'How in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?'

'Easy' said the Blonde, 'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited till his billy boiled.'

And the Blonde entered Heaven...

andy.jpg

Yes I was singing it!

Great one thanks!

Argghhh! So am I

[Ron19]

Yes I was singing it!

Great one thanks!

Argghhh! So am I

So was I.

[nikmar]

yep. cant get it out my ****ing head now. And Im a Brit!

[Wilsonandson]

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you’re the father of one of my kids." Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?" She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I’m your son’s teacher."