Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

Steve lies dying, as Jack, his law partner of 40 years, sits at his bedside. "Jack, I've got to confess -- I've been sleeping with your wife for 30 years, I'm the father of your daughter, and I've been stealing from the firm for a decade." "Relax," says Jack, "and don't think another thing about it. I'm the one who put arsenic in your martini."

The lawyer said to the wealthy art collector tycoon; "I have some good news and I have some bad news."

The tycoon replied; "I've had an awful day, let's hear the good news first."

The lawyer said; "Well, your wife invested £5,000 in two pictures this week that she figures are worth a minimum of £2 to £3 million."

The tycoon replied enthusiastically; "Well done! My wife is so astute! You've just made my day; now what's the bad news?"

The lawyer answered; "The pictures are of you with your secretary."

Late in the night he regained consciousness. He found himself in agonizing pain in the hospital's ICU, with tubes up his nose, wires monitoring every function and a gorgeous nurse hovering over him. He realized he'd obviously been in a serious accident. She gave him a deep look straight into the eyes, and he heard her slowly say, "You may not feel anything from the waist down." Somehow he managed to mumble in reply, "Can I feel your tits, then?" That, my friends, is a positive attitude!

Three guys travel to Saudi Arabia and get lost. They walk into a tent that they think was the one they rented, but actually belongs to a prince with 3 hot wives. The prince comes home and thinks his wives are cheating on him. As a punishment, he tells them that their penises will have to be cut off in some way relating to their occupation.

He asks the first guy what his job was.

"I'm an employee at the shooting range," he replies.

"Then we'll shoot your dick off!" the prince says.

"I'm a fireman," the second guy says.

"Then we'll burn your cock off!" says the prince.

The third guy smiles and says, "I'm a lollipop salesman."

Have you heard? Michael Jackson’s last wish was that his body be turned into Legos. So little kids can play with him. It turns out this wish hasn’t been difficult to implement, as his body was already 99% plastic.

A child and a child molester walk into a forest together. The child turns to the molester and says, "Boy, these woods are scary." The molester says to the child, "You think you're scared? I have to walk out of here alone."

What's K-Mart have in common with Michael Jackson?

Little boy's pants half off.

Three Aussie blokes, Mongrel, Coot and Bluey are working up on an outback
mobile phone tower.

As they start their descent, Coot slips, falls off the tower and is killed
instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Bluey says, 'Well, bugger me,
someone's gotta go and tell Coot's wife.

Mongrel says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.'

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Beer. Bluey says, 'Where'd
you get the grog, Mongrel?'

'Coot's wife gave it to me,' Mongrel replies.

'That's unbelievable, you told the Missus her husband was dead, and she gave
you a case of beer?'

'Well, not exactly', Mongrel says. 'When she answered the door, I said to
her, "you must be Coot's widow."

She said, 'You must be mistaken.. I'm not a widow.'

Then I said, 'I'll betcha a case of beer you are..'

Aussies are good at that sensitive stuff !!

It's that time of year for us to take our annual senior citizen test. Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles.

As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you lose it, sadly.

Below is a very private way to gauge how your memory compares to the last test. Some may think it is too easy, but the ones with memory problems may have difficulty.

OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.

1. What do you put in a toaster?

Answer : 'bread.' If you said 'toast' give up now and do something else … Try not to hurt yourself.
If you said, bread, go to Question 2.

2. Say 'silk' five times. Now spell 'silk.' What do cows drink?

Answer : Cows drink water. If you said 'milk,' don't attempt the next question. Your brain is overstressed and may even overheat. Content yourself with reading more appropriate literature such as Auto World.
However, if you said 'water', proceed to question 3.

3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?

Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said 'green bricks,' why are you still reading these???
If you said 'glass,' go on to Question 4.

4. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales . In London ,17 people get on the bus. In Reading, 6 people get off the bus and 9 people get on. In Swindon,2 people get off and 4 get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16people get on. In Swansea, 3 people get off and 5 people get on. In Carmarthen, 6 people get off and 3 get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven ..

Without scrolling back to review, how old is the bus driver?

Answer : Oh, for crying out loud!
Don't you remember your own age?
It was YOU driving the bus!! (Go back and look!).

If you pass this along to your friends, pray they do better than you.
PS: 95% of people fail most of the questions!!

OK . . . or just go have another glass of wine . . . nothing will matter in a few hours . . .
and you will definitely NOT be driving the bus!!

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old
son playing with his new electric train set in the living room.
She heard the train stop and her son saying, 'All of You b*****ds who want off, get off now, 'cos we're in a hurry! And all of you
b*****ds who are getting on, get on now, 'cos we're going down the tracks'

The horrified mother went in and told her son, 'We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS.

When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.'

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train.

Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say,'All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you.

We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one.'

She hears the little boy continue,'For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat.
Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.'

As the mother began to smile, the child added...........

'For those of you who are <deleted!> off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat controller in the kitchen.'

Unfortunately, that's far too close to the truth !!

A teacher asked her 6th grade class: “Who can tell me, which human organ becomes 10 times bigger when it’s stimulated?”

Maria stood up, bright red and angry, and said “How can you ask such a question? I’m telling my parents and they’re going to get you fired!”

The teacher was shocked by the outburst, but decided to ignore it. She asked the class again, “Who can tell me, which human organ becomes 10 times bigger when it’s stimulated?”

This time Thomas responded, “The answer is the iris in the human eye.”

“Very good, Thomas. Thank you,” replied the teacher who then turned her gaze on Maria.

“Maria, I need to tell you three things. First, you obviously have not done your homework. Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, I fear that one day you will be very, very disappointed.”

This little stray has got rhythm in his soul. After approaching a parked car, the adorable pup hears music blaring from the radio and can’t help but dance. Watch as he bounces along to the beat in this fantastic video.

https://youtu.be/F97wdrJ7qzY

Little Johnny came home from school and heard the word "<deleted>." He asks his mom what the word meant and she responds, "It means priest." The next day little Johnny comes home and hears the word "sh*t" and asks his dad what it means. His dad answers, "It means food on the table." At school, he hears the word "<deleted>" and asks his mom what it means. She responds, "It means getting ready." The next day a priest came over for dinner and little Johnny opened the door and says, "Hey son of a <deleted>. There's sh*t on the table and my parents are upstairs <deleted!>"

Innkeeper: "The room is $15 a night. It's $5 if you make your own bed."

Guest: "I'll make my own bed."

Innkeeper: "Good. I'll get you some nails and wood."

An old man takes his grandson fishing in a local pond one day. After 20 minutes of fishing, the old man fires up a cigar. The young boy asks, "Grandpa, can I have a cigar?" The old man asks, "Son, can your d*ck touch your &lt;deleted&gt;?" The young boy says no. "Then u can't have a cigar." Another 20 minutes passes, and the old man opens a beer. The young boy asks, "Grandpa, can I have a beer?" The old man asks, "Son, can your d*ck touch your &lt;deleted&gt;?" The young boy says no. "Well, then u can't have a beer." Another 20 minutes passes, and the young boy opens a bag of potato chips. The old man asks, "Son, can I have some of your chips?" The boy asks, "Well, Grandpa, can your d*ck touch your &lt;deleted&gt;?" The old man says, "It sure can." The boy says, "Well good, then go &lt;deleted&gt; yourself, these are my chips."

A rich man and a poor man have the same wedding anniversary.

They're both at Madison Avenue shopping for their wives.

Poor man says to the Rich man, "What'd you get your wife this year?"

He says, "A Mercedes and a huge diamond ring."

The poor man says, "Why'd you get her both?"

The Rich man says, "If she doesn't like the ring, she can take it back to the store in her new car, come home and still be happy." The Poor man says, "O.K. That works."

The rich man says, "Well what did you get your wife?" The Poor man says, "A pair of slippers and a dildo."

The poor man says, "Why'd you get her a pair of slippers and a dildo?"

The Poor man says, "If she doesn't like the slippers, she can go herself!"