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Worst Joke Ever


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My next door neighbour just confronted me about items missing from her washing line.
I nearly sh1t her pants.

***

Paddy gets a call from the police ,,"your house has been broken into they drank all your beer
and shagged your wife" ,,,,"<deleted>", says paddy"I can't <deleted> believe they shagged her after only 4 cans"

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A policeman pulled a car over and told the driver he had won $5,000 dollars in the seatbelt competition. "What are you going to do with the money?" asked the policeman.


"Well, I guess I'm going to get a drivers license", he answered.


"Oh, don't listen to him," said a woman in the passenger seat, "He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."


Then the guy in the backseat said, "I knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car."


At that moment there was a knock from the trunk and a voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"


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Have you reached this age yet?

New Alphabet....

A's for arthritis;
B's the bad back,
C's the chest pains,perhaps car-di-ac?
D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight, can't read that top line!
F is for farting and fluid retention,
G is for gut droop, which I'd rather not mention.
H high blood pressure--I'd rather it low;
I for incisions with scars you can show.
J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend,
K is for knees that crack when they bend.
L 's for libido, what happened to sex?
M is for memory, I forget what comes next.
N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;
O is for osteo, bones that don't grow!
P for prescriptions, I have quite a few, just give me a pill and I'll be good as new!
Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?
R is for reflux, one meal turns to two.
S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears,
T is for Tinnitus; bells in my ears!
U is for urinary; troubles with flow;
V for vertigo, that's 'dizzy,' you know..
W for worry, now what's going 'round?
X is for X ray, and what might be found.
Yfor another year I'm left here behind,
Z is for zest I still have-- in my mind!

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Making a speech against the proliferation of X-rated videocassettes, the Major of Pattaya said "I rented one of these cassettes and was shocked to find by my count five acts of oral sex, three of sodomy, a transsexual making love to a dog, and a woman accommodating five men at once. If am re elected, I vow that tapes such as these will no longer befoul our fair community." He concluded the fiery denunciation by asking, "Are there any questions?"

Fifty thousand people shouted in unison, "Where did you rent the tape?"
Edited by White Christmas13
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House party- there's always one left over in the morning!

Lying on the floor behind the sofa, legless, can't stand!

Asked where he lived then dragged him up, pulled him down the path to the car, flipping legs all over the place!

Chucked him in the car and took him home! Dragged him up to his house and knocked on the door!

Brought your son home from the party!

His mum replies "did you bring his wheelchair"?

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Marriage changes passion.
Suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

I saw a woman wearing a
sweatshirt with ‘Guess’ on it.

So I said ‘Implants?’ She hit me.

How come we choose from
just two people to run
for President and

over fifty for Miss America?

Now that food has replaced sex in my life,

I can’t even get into my own pants.

I signed up for an exercise class and

was told to wear loose fitting clothing.

If I HAD any loose fitting clothing,

I wouldn’t have signed up in
the first place!

Why is it that our children can’t

read a Bible in school,

but they can in prison?

Edited by chiang mai
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A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop somewhere in Washington DC. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs. "Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it." "You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll take the rat."


The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store,two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars.


Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt. No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously, now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him.


Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into the Potomac Tidal Basin with the other, as far as he can heave it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the Basin, where they drown.


Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop."So, you've come back for the rest of the story," says the owner. "No," says the tourist, "I was wondering if you have a bronze congressman. "


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A Redneck buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Austin to claim it where the man verifies his ticket number.


The Redneck says, "I want my $20 million."


To which the man replied, "No, sir. It doesn't work that way. We give you a million today, and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years."


The Redneck said, "Oh, no. I want all my money RIGHT now! I won it, and I want it."


Again the man patiently explains that he would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years.


The Redneck, furious with the man, screams out, "Look, I WANT MY MONEY!! If you're not going to give me my $20 million right now, THEN I WANT MY DOLLAR BACK!''


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