When my wife gets a little upset,

sometimes a simple “Calm down” in a soothing voice

is all it takes to get her a lot upset.

A man, shocked by how his buddy is dressed, asks him, “How long have you been wearing that bra?”

The friend replies, “Ever since my wife found it in the glove compartment.”

VERNON'S FUNERAL

Vernon works hard at the Phone Company but spends
two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every
Saturday.

His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard,
so for his birthday she takes him to a local
strip club.
 

The doorman at the club greets them and says,
"Hey, Vern! How ya doing?"
 
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to
this club before.

"Oh no," says Vern."He's in my bowling league..."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Vern
if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
 

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable
and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"
 
"I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club.
I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey."
 
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her
arms around Vern, starts to rub herself all
over him and says...
"Hi Vern. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"
 
Vern's wife, now furious,
grabs her purse and
storms out of the club.
 
Vern follows and spots her getting into a cab.
Before she can slam the door, he jumps in
beside her.
 
Vern tries desperately to explain how the stripper
must have mistaken him for someone else,
but his wife is having none of it.

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs,
calling him every 4 letter word in the book..
 
The cabby turns around and says,
 
'Geez Vern, you picked up a real bitch this time.'

 
 

VERN'S FUNERAL WILL BE FRIDAY AT 2:00 PM

In American and Australian horse racing terminology, a trifecta is a parimutuel bet in which the bettor must predict which horses will finish first, second, and third in exact order. The word comes from the related betting term, perfecta.

 

The Urban Dictionary

 

A perfect group of three, or winning three times:

 

·       Male trifecta: beer, football, blowjob.

 

·       Female trifecta: wine, sex, chocolate.

A woman goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." 

"What do they say?" the priest inquired. "They say 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'" 

"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed. Then he thought for a moment. "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the bible. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying ...that phrase... in no time." 

"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution." The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?" 

There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!"
 

A truck driver would amuse himself by running over lawyers he would see walking down the side of the road. Every time he would see a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him, and there would be a loud "THUMP" and then he would swerve back onto the road. One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over. 

He asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?" 

"I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road," replied the priest. 

"No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck." The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road. 

Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back away, narrowly missing the lawyer. However even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "THUD". Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer." 

"That's okay", replied the priest. "I got him with the door!"
 

A priest and a nun are on their way back home from a trip when their car breaks down. They are unable to get it fixed, so they decide to spend the night in a hotel. The only hotel in the town has only one room available. 

Priest: Sister, I don't think the Lord would have a problem, under the circumstances, if we spent the night together in this one room. I'll sleep on the lounge and you have the bed. 
Nun: I think that would be okay. 

They prepare for bed and each one takes their agreed place in the room. Ten minutes later... 

Nun: Father, I'm terribly cold. 
Priest: Okay, I'll get you a blanket. (He does) 

Ten minutes later... 

Nun: Father, I'm still terribly cold. 
Priest: Okay Sister, I'll get you another blanket. (He does) 

Ten minutes later... 

Nun: Father, I'm still terribly cold. I don't think the Lord would mind if we acted as man and wife just for this one night. Priest: You're probably right...get up and get your own damn blanket.
 

I think they meant your address.

 

I hate people knocking on my door asking for donations.
Just had a woman here from the Sperm Bank.
Boy did I give her a mouthful.

I hate people knocking on my door asking for donations.
Just had a woman here from the Sperm Bank.
Boy did I give her a mouthful.

A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. 

However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach. 

After watching the boys efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy's position. 

He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a sold ring. 

Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?" 

To which the boy replies, "Now we run!"
 

The nuns at the local convent had their daily annoucement session. The mother superior walked out in front of the 100 nuns with a very serious frown on her face. She began to speak... 

Mother Superior: There had been a sinful deed committed here, yesterday.
99 nuns: Oh, no!
1 nun: Hee, hee, hee.
Mother Superior: Today I found a pair a men's underwear.
99 nuns: Oh, no!
1 nun: Hee, hee, hee.
Mother Superior: And I also found a condom.
99 nuns: Oh, no!
1 nun: Hee, hee, hee.
Mother Superior: And it has been used!
99 nuns: Oh, no!
1 nun: Hee, hee, hee.
Mother Superior: And there was a hole in it!
1 nun: Oh, No!
99 nuns: Hee, hee, hee, hee, hee, hee

Four catholic ladies were having coffee...The first catholic woman tells her friends "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'. 

The second catholic woman chirps, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him 'Your Grace'." 

The third catholic crone says "My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, he's called 'Your Eminence'". 

Since the fourth catholic woman sips her coffee calmly, and says "My son is 6'2", he's loaded with dough,...got broad square shoulders... terribly handsome... dresses very well... tight muscular body... tight hard buns... and a very nice bulge... and whenever he walks into a room... women gasp, 'Oh, my God...'."
 

The priest in a small Irish village was very fond of the chickens he kept in the hen house out the back of the parish manse. He had a cock rooster and about ten hens. 

One Saturday night the cock rooster went missing and as that was the time he suspected cock fights occurred in the village he decided to do something about it at church the next morning. 

At Mass, he asked the congregation "Has anybody got a cock?" - all the men stood up. 

"No No" he said "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?" - all the women stood up. 

"No No" he said "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them." - half the women stood up. 

"No No" he said "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen my cock?" - all the nuns stood up. 
 

Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Mann went to study at an English university and was living in the hall of residence with all the other students there. 

After he had been there a month, his mother came to visit him. 

"And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked. 

"Mother," he replied, "they're such terrible, noisy people. The one on that side keeps banging his head on the wall and won't stop. The one on the other side screams and screams all night." 

"Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful noisy English neighbors?" 

"Mother, I do nothing. I just ignore them. I just stay here quietly, playing my bagpipes."
 

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan. 

The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!" 

The room really got quiet. 

Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand. "Yes?" replied the teacher. "Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
 

There were two old guys, Abe and Sol, sitting on a bench in a park feeding pigeons and talking about baseball, just like they did every day. Abe turns to Sol and says, "Do you think there's baseball in heaven?" 

Soloman thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno, Abe. But let's make a deal: If I die first, I will come back and tell you, and if you die first, you come back and tell me, if there is basebal l in heaven." 

They shake on it and, sadly, a few months later poor Abe passes on. One day soon afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, "Sol... Sol...." 

Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?" 

"Yes it is Sol," whispers the spirit of Abe. 

Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in heaven?" 

"Well," says Abe says, "I got good news and I got bad news." 

"Gimme the good news first," says Sol. 

Abe says, "Well... there is baseball in heaven." 

Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?" 

Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday."