Worst Joke Ever

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[Ron19]

Donald Trump goes on a fact-finding visit to Israel. While he is on a tour  of Jerusalem he suffers a heart attack and dies..
The undertaker tells the American Diplomats accompanying him, 'You can have  him shipped home for $50,000, or you can bury him here, in the Holy Land for
just $100.'
The American Diplomats go into a corner and discuss for a few minutes. They  come back to the undertaker and tell him they want Donald shipped home.
The undertaker is puzzled and asks, 'Why would you spend $50,000 to ship him  home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only
$100?
The American Diplomats replied, 'Long ago a man died here, was buried here,  and three days later he rose from the dead. We just can't take the risk.'

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[White Christmas13]

A young naval student

A young naval student was being put through the paces by an old sea captain. 

"What would you do if a sudden storm sprang up on the starboard?" 

"Throw out an anchor, sir," the student replied. 

"What would you do if another storm sprang up aft?" 

"Throw out another anchor, sir." 

"And if another terrific storm sprang up forward, what would you do then?" asked the captain. 

"Throw out another anchor, sir." 

"Hold on," said the captain. "Where are you getting all those anchors from?" 

"From the same place you're getting your storms, sir." 
 

[White Christmas13]

Real flight announcements

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..." 

Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land ... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern." 

And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride." 

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!" 

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as Hell everything has shifted." 

From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more. 

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines." 

"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses." 

"Last one off the plane must clean it." 

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry ...Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...! 

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what ya'll are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendants' fault.....it was the asphalt!" 

Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal." 

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal. 

Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways." 
 

[White Christmas13]

[White Christmas13]

[White Christmas13]

And the last one for tonight 

 

 

 

[White Christmas13]

Donald Trump goes on a fact-finding visit to Israel. While he is on a tour  of Jerusalem he suffers a heart attack and dies..
The undertaker tells the American Diplomats accompanying him, 'You can have  him shipped home for $50,000, or you can bury him here, in the Holy Land for
just $100.'
The American Diplomats go into a corner and discuss for a few minutes. They  come back to the undertaker and tell him they want Donald shipped home.
The undertaker is puzzled and asks, 'Why would you spend $50,000 to ship him  home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only
$100?
The American Diplomats replied, 'Long ago a man died here, was buried here,  and three days later he rose from the dead. We just can't take the risk.'
 

[laislica]

I'm planning a camping holiday but l have to say, I'm far from impressed with my travel insurance.

if turns out it someone steals my tent in the night l will not be covered!!

[laislica]

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[White Christmas13]

Donald Trump goes on a fact-finding visit to Israel. While he is on a tour  of Jerusalem he suffers a heart attack and dies..
The undertaker tells the American Diplomats accompanying him, 'You can have  him shipped home for $50,000, or you can bury him here, in the Holy Land for
just $100.'
The American Diplomats go into a corner and discuss for a few minutes. They  come back to the undertaker and tell him they want Donald shipped home.
The undertaker is puzzled and asks, 'Why would you spend $50,000 to ship him  home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only
$100?
The American Diplomats replied, 'Long ago a man died here, was buried here,  and three days later he rose from the dead. We just can't take the risk.'
 

[White Christmas13]

Psychiatrist phone

Hello. Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.   
 

[laislica]

1 hour ago, White Christmas13 said:

Donald Trump goes on a fact-finding visit to Israel. While he is on a tour  of Jerusalem he suffers a heart attack and dies..
The undertaker tells the American Diplomats accompanying him, 'You can have  him shipped home for $50,000, or you can bury him here, in the Holy Land for
just $100.'
The American Diplomats go into a corner and discuss for a few minutes. They  come back to the undertaker and tell him they want Donald shipped home.
The undertaker is puzzled and asks, 'Why would you spend $50,000 to ship him  home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only
$100?
The American Diplomats replied, 'Long ago a man died here, was buried here,  and three days later he rose from the dead. We just can't take the risk.'
 

Here's one you might like, it's even on this page!

You might even like the same one a few posts earlier?

[loong]

Donald Trump goes on a fact-finding visit to Israel. While he is on a tour  of Jerusalem he suffers a heart attack and dies..
The undertaker tells the American Diplomats accompanying him, 'You can have  him shipped home for $50,000, or you can bury him here, in the Holy Land for
just $100.'
The American Diplomats go into a corner and discuss for a few minutes. They  come back to the undertaker and tell him they want Donald shipped home.
The undertaker is puzzled and asks, 'Why would you spend $50,000 to ship him  home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only
$100?
The American Diplomats replied, 'Long ago a man died here, was buried here,  and three days later he rose from the dead. We just can't take the risk.'

[Ron19]

A doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired.  At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her.  As the doctor was looking through these his eyes grew wide as he realized Grandma had a prescription for birth control pills.  "Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are birth control pills?"  "Yes, they help me sleep at night."  "Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely nothing in these that could possibly help you sleep!"  She reached out and patted the young doctor's knee and said, "Yes, dear, I know that.  But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16-year-old Granddaughter drinks.  And believe me it definitely helps me sleep at night."  You gotta love Grandmas!

[Ron19]

A man was riding on a full bus minding his own business when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breast-feed her baby.  The baby wouldn't take it so she said, "Come on sweetie, eat it all up or I'll have to give it to this nice man next to us."  Five minutes later the baby was still not feeding, so she said, "Come on, honey.  Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here."  A few minutes later the anxious man blurted out, "Come on kid.  Make up your mind!  I was supposed to get off four stops ago!"

[Ron19]

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam.  The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.'  The question was worth 70 points or none at all.  One student was hard put to think of seven advantages.  He wrote:

1)  It is perfect formula for the child.
2)  It provides immunity against several diseases.
3)  It is always the right temperature.
4)  It is inexpensive.
5)  It bonds the child to mother and vice versa.
6)  It is always available as needed.
And then the student was stuck.  Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test he wrote:
7)  It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.  He got an A.

[Ron19]

An old Italian man in Brooklyn is dying.  He calls his grandson to his bedside.  "Guido, I wan' you lissina me.  I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me."  "But grandpa, I really don't like guns.  How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"  "You lissina me, boy!  Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos.  Then one-a day you gonna comea home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man.  Whatta you gonna do then?  Pointa to you watch and say, 'Times up!' "

[Ron19]

A woman and her 12-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Detroit.  It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under awnings.  "Mom," said the boy, "what are all those women doing?"  "They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replied.  The taxi driver turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth?  They're hookers, boy!  They have sex with men for money."  The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true Mom?"  His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers "Yes."  After a few minutes the kid asks, "Mom, if those women have babies, what happens to them?"  She said, "Most of them become taxi drivers."