Worst Joke Ever

[kevjohn]

I am really concerned about my elderly parents who are living in Michigan.

I just got off the phone with my father who is up north right now at his little cottage.

He said that the snow is nearly waist high, the temperature is at minus 10 degrees and the snow is still dropping.

The wind is increasing to near gale force.

Even the ploughs are having a hard time getting around and some trees are down.

The roads are closed, and alerts are on all the TV and radio stations urging people to stay off the highway.

He said my mom has done nothing but look through the window for hours on end, just staring.

He says he's concerned that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.

[kevjohn]

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body,

as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replies, "That would be my wife."

[kevjohn]

An old guy was working out in the gym when he spotted a sweet young thing.

He asked the trainer that was near-by, "What machine in here should I use to impress that sweet thing over there?"

The trainer looked him up and down and said, "I would try the ATM in the lobby."

[kevjohn]

One lazy Sunday morning the wife and I were quiet and thoughtful, sitting around the breakfast table when I said to her unexpectedly,

"When I die, I want you to sell all my stuff, immediately."

"Now why would you want me to do something like that?" she asked. "

I figure a woman as fine as you would eventually remarry and I don't want some other a%#hole using my stuff."

She looked at me intently and said: "What makes you think I'd marry another a%#hole?"

[bino]

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes and bows in prayer.

His friend says, "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man."

The man then replies, "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."

[kevjohn]

An old woman was sipping on a glass of wine, while sitting on the patio with her husband.

She says, "I love you so much, I don't know how I could ever live without you"

Her husband asks, "Is that you, or the wine talking?"

She replies, "It's me... talking to the wine."

[LennyW]

A teacher asks her class to use the word contagious in a sentence......

"Bob says" I got mumps & they were contagious........

" Katie says " my gran had a bug & it was contagious..........

" Wee Tam jumps up & says " our neighbour is painting his house with a 2 inch brush & my Dad says it will take the cuntagious.!!

Edited September 10, 2012 by LennyW

[kevjohn]

Chaos

There was a doctor, a civil engineer, and a computer scientist sitting around late one evening, and they got to discussing which was the oldest profession.

The doctor pointed out that according to Biblical tradition, God created Eve from Adam's rib.

This obviously required surgery, so therefore that was the oldest profession in the world.

The engineer countered with an earlier passage in the Bible that stated that God created order from the chaos,

and that was most certainly the biggest and best civil engineering example ever, and also proved that his profession was the oldest profession.

The computer scientist leaned back in her chair, and with a sly smile responded, "Yes, but who do you think created the chaos?"

[kevjohn]

Two old geezers were fishing on the side of the road.

They thoughtfully made a sign saying,

"The End is near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!"

and showed it to each passing car.

One driver who drove by didn't appreciate the sign and shouted at them, "Leave us alone, you crazy old fools!"

All of a sudden they heard a big splash, looked at each other, and one of them said,

"You think maybe we should have just said 'Bridge Out' instead?"

[Ron19]

o > 200 in 6 seconds

Bob was in big trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife of forty years was really pissed. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!" The next morning Bob got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a small box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Bob has been missing since Friday.

Edited September 13, 2012 by Ron19

[kevjohn]

A hooded robber burst into a Texas Bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash.

On his way out the door a brave Texas customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off revealing the robber's face.

The robber shot the customer without a moment's hesitation.

He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him.

The robber instantly shot him also.

Everyone else, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence.

The Robber yelled, "Well, did anyone else see my face?"

There are a few moments of utter silence, in which everyone was plainly afraid to speak.

Then one old man tentatively raised his hand and said, "My wife got a good look at you."

[kevjohn]

The New Boots

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas.

Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, 'Notice anything different about me?'

Margaret looked him over. 'Nope.'

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots. Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything different NOW?'

Margaret looked up and exclaimed, 'Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!'

Furious, Bert yelled, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?'

'Nope', she replied..

'IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!'

Without changing her expression, Margaret replied, 'Shoulda bought a hat, Bert.

[sunshine51]

The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her eleven-year-old

students. Taking him aside after class one day, she asked, "Little Johnny,

why has your school work been so poor lately?"

"I'm in love." the boy replied.

Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, "With whom?"

"With you!" he said.

"But Johnny," she said gently, "don't you see how silly that is? It's true that

I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don't want a child."

"Oh, don't worry," the boy said reassuringly, "I'll use a condom!"

[sunshine51]

The US government today announced that it is changing its emblem from an eagle

to a condom because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance.

A condom stands up to inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation,

protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually

being screwed.

It just doesn't get more accurate than that.

[sunshine51]

Father and son in supermarket.

"Dad, what are these?"

"That's a 3pack of condoms son for secondary school lads. 1 for Friday night,

1 for Saturday night and 1 for Sunday night."

"What about the 6pack dad?"

"Those are for University lads. 2 for Friday night, 2 for Satuday night and 2

for Sunday night."

"Well dad, what about the 12pack then?"

"Married men son. 1 for January, 1 for February, 1 for March ..."

[sunshine51]

The husband says to wife: "My Olympic condoms have arrived.

Think I will wear gold tonight."

The wife says: "Why don't you wear silver and cum

second for a change?"

[sunshine51]

What do you call a blonde in a tree with a briefcase?

Branch Manager.

[sunshine51]

What do you call it when a blonde dyes her hair brunette?

Artificial intelligence.

[sunshine51]

What do blondes and the Bermuda Triangle have in common?

They've both swallowed a lot of semen.

[sunshine51]

How can you tell if a blonde has been using your computer?

There's whiteout on the screen.

[sunshine51]

This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog,

idiot dog, busy dog, for dog, 20 dog, seconds dog!

Now read without the word dog.

[sunshine51]

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.

The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers

that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down

the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls

and a ball of string on the counter.

She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for

your wife?

He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to

get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and

some rolling papers; cause it's so much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll

my own ... so does she.

[sunshine51]

Physics Teacher: "Isaac Newton was sitting under a tree when an apple fell

on his head and he discovered gravity. Isn't that wonderful?"

Student: "Yes sir, if he had been sitting in class looking at books like us, he

wouldn't have discovered anything.

[sunshine51]

One night, after a long evening of drinking, Jim was thrown out of the bar as

usual. On his way home he spotted a nun walking down the road.

After looking at her twice he ran over and tackled her, then proceeded to

beat the living shit out of her.

Some people passing by spotted this and called the police.

As the police were pulling him away in handcuffs he looked back and

said, "I thought you'd be tougher than that, Batman."

[sunshine51]

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered

that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem,

NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes

in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass

and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C.

The Russians used a pencil.

[sunshine51]

Yo momma is so stupid she tripped over a cordless phone.

[sunshine51]

Yo momma is so ugly. Even her vibrator goes limp.

Bye for now.....

[warfie]

One day there were four nuns in line for confessional.

The first nun said, "Forgive me, father, for I have sinned."

He asked how.

She said "I saw a man's private part." He told her to wash her eyes with holy water.

The second nun comes in and says, "Forgive me, father, for I have sinned."

He asked how.

"I touched a man's private parts." He told her to wash her hands in holy water.

Then he heard the third and fourth nun fighting. He asked why they were fighting.

The fourth nun said, "I'm not going to wash my mouth with that holy water after she washes her arse with it!"

[BoonToong]

A cheeseburger walks into a bar and the barman says......

"Sorry, we don't serve food in here"

I thank you

[riceyummm]

A dyslexic walks into a bra.