Worst Joke Ever

[White Christmas13]

Two lawyers were out hunting when they came upon a couple of tracks. After close examination, the first lawyer declared them to be deer tracks. The second lawyer disagreed, insisting they must be elk tracks.

They were still arguing when the train hit them.

[White Christmas13]

Excess billing hours

A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. But, to his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was standing. St. Peter greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line into a comfortable chair by his desk.

The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?"

St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"

[White Christmas13]

Reasons Why a Christmas Tree Is Better Than a Woman"

A Christmas tree doesn't care how many other Christmas trees you have had in the past.

A Christmas tree doesn't care if you have an artificial one in the closet.

When you are done with a Christmas tree you can throw it on the curb and have it hauled away.

A Christmas tree doesn't get jealous around other Christmas trees.

A Christmas tree doesn't care if you watch football all day.

A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you tie it up and throw it in the back of your pickup truck.

[Rob13]

   A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he saw walking down the side of the road. Every time he saw a lawyer walking along the road, he swerved to hit him and there would be a loud "THUMP". Then he would swerve back on the road.
     

  One day, as the truck driver was driving along the road he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good deed and pulled the truck over.
        "Where are you going, Father?" The truck driver asked.
        "I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road," replied the priest.
        "No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck." The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road. Suddenly, the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road.
     

  Instinctively he swerved to hit him. At the last moment he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so he swerved back to the road and narrowly missed the lawyer.
     

  Certain he should've missed the lawyer, the truck driver was very surprised and immediately uneasy when he heard a loud "THUMP". He felt really guilty about his actions and so turned to the priest and said, "I'm really sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer."
       

"That's okay," replied the priest. "I got him with the door."

[laislica]

Need your advice!

Been offered 8 legs of venison for £40.

Is that two dear?

[laislica]

I watch doomsday films like there's no tomorrow

[laislica]

[laislica]

So a young guy is in hospital with 2 broken arms so the nurses had to help him when he wanted to p.

The ugly nurse said it was odd he had Ludo tattooed on his willy.

The Blonde busty nurse blushed and squirmed.

Why have you gone red Gloria?

The blonde nurse shrugged her shoulders and said she thought it spelled Llandudno.

[laislica]

[laislica]

She's single...

She lives right across the street.

I can see her house from my living room.

I watched as she got home from work this evening.

I was surprised when she walked across the street and up my path.

She knocked on my door...

I rushed to open it.

 

She looked at me & said, "Les, I just got home, & I am so happy!

I have this strong urge to have a good time, get drunk, & make love all night long!

Are you busy tonight?”

I immediately replied, "Nope, I'm free... I have no plans at all!"

"Good" she said "In that case,

could you watch my dog?"

[laislica]

The person who invented Chinese whispers Has died..........pass it on !

[laislica]

Brace yourselves:-......

 

Q: Where do winkles go to settle disputes?

A: The small clams court.

 

[laislica]

[laislica]

Well it's almost Christmas.....

 

Dear Santa, I don't want a sweater for Christmas this year.......

 

I'd much prefer a screamer or a moaner!

[laislica]

Another tasteless joke?

 

 

A small church had a very attractive big-busted organist, Linda.
Her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ, distracting the congregation considerably.
The 'very proper' church ladies were appalled.
They decided that something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.
One of the ladies approached Linda very discreetly about the problem, and told her to mash up some green astringent persimmons and rub them on her nipples and over her breasts, which should cause them to shrink in size.

But she warned her not to taste any of the green persimmons, because they are so sour they will make her mouth pucker up, and she wouldn't be able to talk properly for a while.
The voluptuous organist reluctantly agreed to try it.
The following Sunday morning the minister walked up to the pulpit and said,
"Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hab a thermon tewday."

Edited December 13, 2016 by laislica

[laislica]

[laislica]

2 tv aerials got married on the moon
Not very good atmosphere
But a great reception...

[laislica]

[laislica]

Fish and chips twice...
Ok I heard you the first time....

[laislica]

I know this is a joke forum , but I'm asking people on every possible site to wish me luck ! .......
I'm on my way to speak to the bank manager and if things work out for me my life will be drastically changed ..............

I'm talking millions here !
I'm so excited I can barely get the stocking over my head !!

[laislica]

A mate went to bed with a blind girl last night, and she said that he had the biggest #%*¥ she had ever laid her hands on.
He said "Nooo"....."You're pulling my leg"

[laislica]

[laislica]

In case the country gets invaded and I have to quickly hide,

I have a big pop art painting on my wall that hides a secret panic room.
I call it my handy war hole.

[laislica]

God created Adam and said, "I have given you everything you could ever want.

Is there anything else you would like?"
Adam replied, "I would like a sandwich,"
to which God then created Eve.

[laislica]

Scouser walking out of Tescos with a leg of lamb under his arm.

The security bloke called him over and asked him what he was doing with that leg of lamb.

He said "Roast Potatoes, Carrots....

[laislica]

-In the heyday of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to a South African outpost to relieve the retiring colonel.

After welcoming his replacement and showing the usual courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches etc.)

which protocol dictates, the retiring colonel said, "You must meet my Adjutant, Captain Smithers,

he's my right-hand man and is really the strength of this office.

His talent is simply boundless."

Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a hunchback, one eyed,

toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three feet tall.

"Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."

''Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines.

I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics.

I have researched the history of…"

At that point, the colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, he can find all that in your file.

Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to <deleted> off."

[laislica]

How do you know when your in love?
When she slaps you on the arse and says "your in love!"

[laislica]

[laislica]

People ask me, "Paul, you've been happily married now for 35 years.

What's your secret?"
And I say, " You'll have to speak up, I'm as deaf as a post."

[laislica]

My girlfriend said she'd like an animal skin coat for Christmas,
so I bought her a donkey jacket