Worst Joke Ever

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Sales of ‘any old shit’ expected to treble as men start Christmas shopping

The sale of presents being purchased using no thought or imagination is expected to see a huge increase today as men suddenly start to realise it’s Christmas.

The sight of exasperated men staring blankly at kettles and uttering the words “Christ, it’s just going to have to bloody well do” are commonplace at this time of year, but with figures from previous years suggesting that 80% of men leave their Christmas shopping until the very last minute, retailers are predicting bumper sales of all the crap they can’t normally shift.

“The queues at checkouts at this time of year are predominantly made up of men carry an array of monstrosities that are likely to leave their wives and girlfriends hugely disappointed,” revealed Stephen Robertson of the British Retail Consortium.

“Retailers have been working hard to encourage men into their stores by piling up all the items that make women angry, and placing them in a section called ‘Gifts She’ll Love!

“They’ll be hoping that heavy discounts combined with mens’ overall stupidity could see a late surge in sales that will surpass previous years,” he added.

Christmas shopping

32-year-old Gavin Henderson from Gillingham was one of millions of men heading towards the High Street to buy lots of anything that’s still left over.

“Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit,” he told us as we stopped him on his way out of the nearest shopping centre.

“Do you think she’ll like this Complete RoboCop Dvd Box set? It’s got the director’s commentary as a bonus feature.

“Christ, it’s just going to have to bloody well do.”

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Santa could be barred from delivering in the UK after Brexit

Changes to Britain’s immigration system after it leaves the European Union may stop Santa Claus from making his annual festive flying visit, it has emerged.

Santa currently uses European freedom of movement rights to fly his sleigh from Lapland into British skies to conduct his annual delivery business.

However, with Britain leaving the EU, the jolly old man is likely to face the same immigration curbs as other Laplanders in future.

Work permits are expected to be introduced, and legal experts warn that the tradition of parents providing a glass of sherry and a mince pie in return for Santa leaving presents by the fireplace constitutes an informal work arrangement – thereby making it impossible for the iconic figure to gain permission to enter the country without the correct paperwork.

Any attempt to make deliveries without permission from the immigration authorities could see Santa arrested, according to legal experts.

UKIP leader Nigel Farage said, “This is just another example of a foreigner coming over here taking the job of a decent hardworking indigenous British national who could easily spend the night delivering presents instead.

“I’ll be delighted to see the end of it.”

In a further complication, the government is believed to favour including reindeer in its annual immigration target.

Theresa May is believed to favour a quota of four reindeer per year for the whole country, which friends of Santa say would make the job of pulling his present-laden sleigh close to impossible.

The issue has been raised at cabinet level, with one minister said to have raised concerns that millions of children may be disappointed, only to have been drowned out by shouts of “bah humbug!”

Meanwhile, the Sun is investigating claims that hundreds of Laplanders are cheating immigration controls by masquerading as Santa in shopping centres across the country.

It has published images it claims to be the real Santa supervising elves back in Lapland in the run up to Christmas while the fake Santas pose for photos with unsuspecting children.

 

[JB300]

I bought my epileptic Brother a strobe light for Christmas, he'll have an absolute fit when he sees it


[sorry [emoji14]]

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[chickenslegs]

Some people are going way off topic in this "Worst Joke Ever" thread.

 

So, here are some jokes from today's Christmas crackers...

 

1. What do Christmas trees and bad knitters have in common?

    They both drop their needles.

 

2. What is a parent's favourite Christmas carol?

    Silent Night.

 

3. What do you call people who are afraid of Santa?

    Claustrophobics.

 

4. What do monkeys sing at Christmas time?

    Jungle Bells.

 

The hats and toys were cr*p too.

 

 

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Norman the Retired Sailor

Norman is an old retired sailor with very fond memories of old sailors’ habits.

He puts on his old uniform and "for old times sake” heads to the docks once more for some hot sex.

He engages a lovely prostitute and takes her up to a room.

He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but keen to now if he’s "still got it” he asks, 'How am I doing?'

The prostitute replies, 'Well Norman, ya old sailor, you're doing about three knots.'

'Three knots?' he asks. ' What's that supposed to mean?'

She says, 'You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back.

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A small girl’s father asked her what she would most like for Christmas.

The girl, knowing that her mother was expecting, replied, “A baby brother.”

To everyone’s delight, the mother came back from the hospital on Christmas Eve with a baby boy in her arms.

Some time later, the father said to his daughter, “And next Christmas what would you like?”

“Well,” said the girl, after some thought, “If it wouldn’t be too uncomfortable for Mom, I’d like a pony.”

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What is 300 foot high and wobbles .?

The Trifle tower.

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A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful.

She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake.

He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons.

So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your
note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk.

Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"

The blonde said,
"No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again."

The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"

Wait for it

The blonde said,
"No, just up to my tits ...
I can splash it on my eyes if I need to!"

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I took a tape measure to bed with me last night.

I wanted to see how long I slept.

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OMG it's 364 days til Christmas and some people have got their decorations up already.

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[White Christmas13]

The chief of staff of the US Air Force decided that he would personally intervene in the recruiting crisis affecting all of our armed services. He directed a nearby Air Force base that will be opened and that all eligible young men and women be invited.

As he and his staff were standing near a brand new F-15 Fighter, a pair of twin brothers who looked like they had just stepped off a Marine Corps recruiting poster walked up to them. The chief of staff walked up to them, stuck out his hand and introduced himself.

He looked at the first young man and asked, "Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force?"

The young man looks at him and says, "I'm a pilot!"

The general gets all excited, turns to his aide and says, "Get him in today, all the paper work done, everything, do it!"

The aide hustles the young man off. The general looks at the second young man and asked, "What skills to you bring to the Air Force?"

The young man says, "I chop wood!"

"Son," the general replies, "we don't need wood choppers in the Air Force, what do you know how to do?"

"I chop wood!"

"Young man," huffs the general, "you are not listening to me, we don't need wood choppers, this is the 20th century!"

"Well," the young man says, "you hired my brother!"

"Of course we did," says the general, "he's a pilot!"

The young man rolls his eyes and says, "So what! I have to chop it before he can pile it!"

[White Christmas13]

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!"

"Heck," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

[White Christmas13]

I am not forgetful

Three ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, while standing in front of the refrigerator, and I can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich."

The second lady chimed in with, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down."

The third one responded, " Well, ladies, I'm glad I don't have that problem. Knock on wood," as she rapped her knuckles on the table, and then said, "That must be the door, I'll get it!"

[chickenslegs]

A widow visits the funeral parlour to view her husband before the burial.

 

The husband is in his coffin, dressed in a blue suit.

 

"Oh no" says the widow to the funeral director "He hated blue, you will have to find another suit".

 

Next day she goes to visit again and the husband is dressed in a grey suit, so she is pleased.

 

"Funny thing", says the funeral director "Just after you left yesterday, another widow came in to view her husband, who was wearing grey. She wanted her husband to be wearing blue, so it was an easy fix ...

 

... we just had to swap the heads".

[chickenslegs]

Lady goes to the doctor with a flatulence problem.

 

"Doctor, I have constant flatulence and it's very uncomfortable. Luckily my farts are silent and don't smell".

 

"OK" says the doctor and he gives her some tablets. "Come back and see me next week".

 

The following week the lady returns to see the doctor and says "I don't know what was in those tablets, I still have constant flatulence and now but my farts smell terrible.

 

"Good" says the doctor. "Now we've cured your sense of smell we can start to work on your deafness".

[chickenslegs]

A man attending church for a funeral asks the vicar for the wifi password.

 

The vicar is shocked "Please have some respect for your dear departed mother".

 

Man replies "Is that all lower case?"

 

[White Christmas13]

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called a wedding cake.

[White Christmas13]

A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"

[chickenslegs]

A golfer is just about to tee off when a funeral cortage passes on a nearby road.

 

The golfer puts down his club, takes off his cap, and bows his head in silence until it is out of sight.

 

His playing partner remarks "Not many people show such respect nowadays. That was a very nice gesture".

 

The golfer replies "Well, she deserves my respect - we were married for 32 years".

 

(an oldie but worth dusting off)

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I’ve just been diagnosed with gammon flu.

I did have swine flu, but they cured me.

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A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen
mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and
gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only
here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my
testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate
from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment
and pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles
gently in the other.

She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them,
Sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says
very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen
very, very closely:

Are - my - test - results - back?

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The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.

The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron.
Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.
Many people had tried... over time: weightlifters, longshoremen, etc., but nobody could do it.
One day, this scrawny little fellow came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a small voice, "I'd like to try the bet."
After the laughter had died down, the bartender said, "OK" grabbed the lemon and squeezed away.

Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little fellow.
But the Crowd's laughter turned to total silence....
as the man clenched his little fist around the lemon....
and six drops fell into the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man,
"What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?"
The little fellow quietly replied:
"I work for Inland Revenue!!

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.....For my next trick,I intend to eat a percussion instrument in a sandwich.......

Drum roll please.....

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