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You know that you really are getting old when by the time the last candle on your birthday cake has been lit, the first one has burned out.

I've noticed that when it's my dad's birthday he likes to take the day off, and when it's my mother's birthday she takes a few years off.

Patient: Doctor, doctor. You've got to help me! My hands just won't stop shaking.
Doctor: Do you drink a lot of coffee?
Patient: No, I don't drink very much, I spill most of it.

Patient: Doctor, I have trouble getting to sleep.
Doctor: Well try sitting on the edge of the bed and you'll soon drop off.

A woman whose husband often came home drunk decided to try and cure him of the habit. One dark night, she put on a devil suit and hid behind a tree to intercept him on the way home. When her husband came by, she jumped out and stood before him with her red horns, long tail, and pitchfork. ''Who are you?'' he asked. ''I'm the Devil,'' she responded. ''Well, come on home with me,'' he said, ''I married your sister.''

Diner: Waiter, do you have anymore apple pie?
Waiter: Yes, the chef says that we have lots more. Diner: Well he shouldn't have made so much then.

Blonde goes flying

A blonde went to a flight school insisting that she wanted to learn to fly. As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her by radio on how to pilot the solo helicopter. He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics, and sent her on her way.

After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. "I'm doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the hang of this."

After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was to fly. The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadn't radioed in.

A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away. He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage.

When he asked what happened, she said, "I don't know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold. I can barely remember anything after I turned off the big fan!"

A man was staggering home drunk in the early hours of the morning when he was stopped by a police officer. 'What are you doing out at this time of night?' asked the officer. 'I'm going to a lecture,' slurred the drunk. 'And who's going to give a lecture at this hour?' 'My wife.'

thourght my luck had changed finally ,last night i picked up a really cute thai chick . she asked me if i wanted to go back to her place for some fun . as she was driving home things were really hotting up untill she did a perfect reverse park into the garage,and i thort ,haanng on a minute .

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde.
The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting more agitated...
What does it look like ? she asked. The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it".
The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse and handed it to the policewoman, "Here it is," she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Ok you can go, I didn't realise you were a cop..."

Picking his brother up at the airport......Thanks Bro!