Worst Joke Ever

[Pushit]

In 1872 the Arabs invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine.

In 1873 the British somewhat refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first.

[RedNIvar]

A guy walks up to the clerk in a Sex Shop and asks for a blowup doll,

The clerk asks if he want a white, brown or black blowup doll?

The guy asks for the white one.

The clerk then asks if he want a Christian or Muslim doll?

The guy scratches his head and say what's that got to do with anything.........

The clerk goes "well you blow the Christian doll up, but the Muslim doll blows itself up"!!!!!!!

Sorry....this is the worst joke ever page. Could not resist.

[Chicog]

Doctor calls a patient:

Doctor: You'd better sit down, I've got bad news and very bad news. According to the tests you've got 24 hours to live.

Patient: WHAAAT? 24 HOURS TO LIVE!!!!! WHAT NEWS COULD BE WORSE THAN THAT?

Doctor: I was gonna tell you yesterday but I forgot.

The Doctor says to his patient in hospital: "I've got some good news and some bad news".

"What's the bad news?".

"We had to amputate your legs".

"What's the good news?".

"The bloke in the bed next door wants to buy your slippers off you.

=========

Another man wakes up screaming "Doctor! Doctor! I can't feel my legs!".

"I know", said the doctor, "We had to amputate your arms".

[RedNIvar]

What is the definition of a Lesbian?

Yet another dam_n Woman trying to do a Man's job!!

[kevjohn]

My daughter Lili was five when she received a foam CD holder with plastic sleeves for all her music CDs.

I explained to her that CDs are sensitive to light and heat, so she should not leave the holder in the sun.

During our home addition, the electrician was working in the backyard and Lili had gone to play

in the sandbox, leaving her new CD holder on the patio table.

My wife saw it and told Lili she was going to put it in the house.

Lili stood up in the sandbox and said, "Mommy, make sure you put it where the sun doesn't shine!"

The electrician took a break.

Edited September 20, 2012 by kevjohn

[kevjohn]

A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology and mixed emotions when he turned to his wife and said,

"Honey, that's a bunch of crap; I bet you can't tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time."

She said, "You have the biggest penis of all your friends."

[kevjohn]

A wife buys a pair of crotchless knickers in an attempt to spice up a dead sex-life.

She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband.

At the odd moment she crosses her legs ... just enough times till her husband says, "Are you wearing crotchless knickers?"

"Yes," she answers, seductively.

"Thank goodness for that. I thought the stuffing was coming out of the sofa!"

[BoonToong]

The Doctor says to his patient in hospital: "I've got some good news and some bad news".

"What's the bad news?".

"We had to amputate your legs".

"What's the good news?".

"The bloke in the bed next door wants to buy your slippers off you.

The Doctor says to his patient in hospital: "I've got some good news and some bad news".

"What's the bad news?".

"We had to amputate your legs".

"What's the good news?".

"See that blonde nurse over there with the long legs, white stockings and big chest?"

"Yes?"

"I'm f*****g her"

[Ron19]

A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sat down, he noticed that the seat next to him was empty. He asked the elderly gentleman on the other side of the empty seat whether anyone was sitting there. "No," the man replied, "The seat is empty." "This is incredible," said the first man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world and not use it?" The elderly man replied, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This will be the first Super bowl we haven't been together since we got married in 1967." "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else -- a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?" The old man shook his head. "No, they're all at the funeral."

[kevjohn]

The biggest loser at my weight-loss club was an elderly woman.

"How'd you do it?" we asked

.

"Easy," she said."Every night I take my teeth out at six o'clock."

[kevjohn]

"How was your blind date?"

"Terrible! He showed up in a 1932 Rolls-Royce."

"What's so terrible about that?"

"He was the original owner!"

[kevjohn]

Do you know that when a woman wears a leather dress, an old geezer's heart beats quicker,

his throat gets dry, he gets weak in the knees, and he begins to think irrationally???

Ever wonder why?

It's because she smells like a new golf bag ....

[kevjohn]

A man was on his deathbed.

With a pitiful gasp, he managed to whisper to his wife, "I have one last request, my dear."

"Of course", she replied, clutching his hand.

"Six months after I die, I would like you to marry Bob."

"But I thought you hated Bob!"

"I do."

[Ron19]

It was early one morning when the Pastor heard a noise outside his door.

When he opened it, he found a donkey standing outside, which immediately fell over dead.

Not exactly knowing what to do about the situation, he called the local sheriff and told him about what was laying before him.

The sheriff couldn't resist jabbing at the Minister and said, "Pastor, I thought the first duty of the Minister was to bury the dead."

Without hesitation, the Pastor said, "No, the first duty of the Minister is to notify the next of kin."

[Ron19]

Morris was a very successful marketing director. Sadly, his wife Shirley dies. At the cemetery, Morris's friends and family are appalled to see that the headstone reads:

"Here lies Shirley, wife of Morris, MCIM, Post Graduate Diploma in Marketing and Marketing Director of Quality Marketing Services Ltd."

Morris was standing in front of Shirley's grave reading the headstone when he suddenly burst into tears.

His brother says to him, "I'm not at all surprised that you find this distasteful. It's right that you should cry, pulling a cheap stunt like this on Shirley's headstone."

Through his tears, Morris sobs, "You don't understand. They left out the phone number."

[Ron19]

Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive's wife stops by his office.

As she walks in unannounced, she finds his secretary sitting on his lap.

Without hesitating, he begins to dictated a letter:

"And in conclusion gentlemen, budget cut or not, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair."

[Ron19]

Several weeks after a young man had been hired, he was called into the personnel director's office.

"What is the meaning of this?" the director asked. "When you applied for this job, you told us you had five years experience. Now we discovered this is the first job you've ever held."

"Well, " the young man replied, "in your advertisement you said you wanted somebody with imagination."

[kevjohn]

Once upon a time there was a cruise ship sailing.

On board, a magician was giving a show to some passengers. The magician ALWAYS had a parrot on his shoulder.

Whenever the magician told a joke, the parrot would give it away.

One time the magician had a knife, he spun it around, it dissappeared!

The parrot said "It's in his pocket, it's in his pocket".

The crowd booed him because the parrot gave it away.

The next trick he did, he waved a wand around and it vanished.

Again, the parrot said, "It's up his sleeve! It's up his sleeve!"

The magician got mad because he couldn't keep any of his tricks secret.

The parrot kept giving them away.

One day the cruise ship sank.

The magician and the parrot managed to make it to an island where they stayed for about 3 months

when the parrot all of a sudden, burst out and asked:

"Ok, I give up! Where'd you hide the ship?"

[kevjohn]

A farmer in Arkansas and his wife were lying in bed one evening, she was knitting, he was reading the latest issue of Animal Husbandry.

He looks up from the page and says to her, "Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female achieves orgasm?"

She looks at him wistfully, smiles, and replies, "Oh yeah? Prove it."

He frowns for a moment, then says, "O.K."

He then gets up and walks out, leaving his wife with a confused look on her face.

About half an hour later he returns all tired and sweaty and says, "Well, I'm sure the cow and sheep didn't, but the way that pig squealed, it's hard to tell."

[Ron19]

A DESERT LOVE STORY

Once upon a time there was a very handsome

male camel with twohuge camel humps.

He fell in love and married a beautiful

female camel who had one perfect camel hump.

As time progressed, they became the proud parents

of a wonderful baby camel who had no humps.

They contemplated long and hard on what to call their beautiful little boy.

They finally decided on...

Are you ready for this????? ‘

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'Humpfree'!

Oh, stop your whinging...

It's a nice story and better than a lot of the other junk I send you.

Edited September 22, 2012 by Ron19

[Ron19]

[sunshine51]

An older man wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a

phony beard sat down at a bar and ordered a drink. As the

bartender set it down, he asked, "Going to a party ?"

"Yeah," the man answered, "I'm supposed to come dressed

as my love life."

"But you look like Abe Lincoln." protested the barkeep.

"That's right. My last four scores were seven years ago."

[sunshine51]

Denny's is an American "restaurant"....of sorts sooooo...

A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is

losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill, but

warns her it is still experimental and tells her to slip it

into his mashed potatoes at dinner.

So, that night at dinner, she does.

About a week later she's back at the doctor. She says, "Doc,

the pill worked great!! I put it in the potatoes like you

said! It wasn't five minutes and he jumps up, rakes

all the food and dishes on the floor, grabs me, rips all my

clothes off and ravages me right there on the table!"

The doctor says, "I'm sorry, we didn't realize the pill was

that strong. The foundation will be glad to pay for any

damages."

"Naah... ", she says, "that's okay. We aren't going back to

Denny's anyway."

[sunshine51]

A businessman traveled to Japan to meet and play golf with

a few Japanese business associates. Having nothing to do

the night before his game, he decided to solicit the services

of a prostitute.

Later, when they were in the throes of passion, she suddenly

screamed out "Kawasaki!" Not knowing the translation, he

figured it meant he was performing exceptionally well,

and so he kept going.

Again she screamed, "Kawasaki! Kawasaki!" And again, he

smiled proudly at this congratulation and continued.

Finally, she shrieked "KAWASAKI!" a third time, jumped out

of bed and ran from the room. "Must have been too good for

her!" he thought to himself, and went to sleep contented

with himself.

The next day, while in the middle of his round of golf, one

of his Japanese associates hit a perfect 6-iron off the tee

right into the cup for a hole-in-one! Remembering his

new word and wanting to impress his associates with his

linguistic proficiency, the man yelled out "Kawasaki!"

Perplexed, the Japanese golfer turned to him and asked,

"What do you mean, wrong hole?"

[sunshine51]

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of

their car which said, "TWO PROSTITUTES.......$50.00." A

policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd

either have to remove the sign or go to jail.

Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying,

"JESUS SAVES."

They asked the cop why he let the other car go and he said,

"Well, that's a little different, it pertains to religion."

So the two ladies took their sign down and took off.

The following day found the same cop in the area when he

noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on

their car again. Figuring he had an easy bust, he began to

catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which read;

"TWO ANGELS SEEKING PETER.....$50.00."

[sunshine51]

A woman checked in at the pearly gates and asked to join

her former husband, Walter Smith. Saint Peter said, "We

have five million Walter Smiths. Give us a little clue."

The woman said, "My Walter is bald and has blue eyes, and he

said that if I ever slept with another man he'd turn over in

his grave."

Saint Peter motioned an angel forward. "Take her to Whirling

Walter!"

[sunshine51]

One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly

rowdy bar for possible violations of the

driving-under-the-influence laws. At closing time, he saw

a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try

his keys on five different cars before he found his.

Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for

several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally,

he started his engine and began to pull away.

The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver,

read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test.

The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer

demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied,

"Tonight, I'm the Designated Decoy."

[sunshine51]

What's the difference between a bad golfer and a

bad skydiver?

Bad Golfer: "Whack!" "F***!"

Bad Skydiver: "F***!!" "Whack!!"

[sunshine51]

A drunk man was casually taking a leak into a drinking

fountain in the park when a police officer came up to him

and yelled frantically, "What do you think you're doing?

There's a public toilet 20 meters from

here!"

The man, amazed, yells back, "What do you think I have,

a fire hose?!"

[sunshine51]

Q: What is the difference between a sin and shame?

A: It's a sin to stick it in and a shame to take it out.