Worst Joke Ever

[laislica]

For all my grammatically correct friends.

On my 74th birthday, I got a gift certificate from my wife.
The certificate paid for a visit to a herbalist living nearby ,
he was rumoured to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction!

After being persuaded, I made the visit and handed my ticket to the medicine man.
I wondered what I was in for.

The old man handed a potion to me, and with a grip on my shoulder warned,
'This is a powerful medicine.

You take only a teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.'
When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life,
and you can perform as long as you want."

 

I was encouraged.
As I walked away, I turned and asked,

"How do I stop the medicine from working?"
He said "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'"

I responded, and he said:
"but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

 

I was eager to see if it worked so I went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited my wife to join me in the bedroom.

When she came in, I took off my clothes and said, "1-2-3!"
Immediately, I was the manliest of men.

My wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes,
and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

 

 

 

 

 

 

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition,
because we could end up with a dangling participle.

 

 

 

 

 

 

[MJCM]

[laislica]

[scottiejohn]

15 hours ago, laislica said:

For all my grammatically correct friends.

On my 74th birthday, I got a gift certificate from my wife.
The certificate paid for a visit to a herbalist living nearby ,
he was rumoured to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction!

After being persuaded, I made the visit and handed my ticket to the medicine man.
I wondered what I was in for.

The old man handed a potion to me, and with a grip on my shoulder warned,
'This is a powerful medicine.

You take only a teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.'
When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life,
and you can perform as long as you want."

 

I was encouraged.
As I walked away, I turned and asked,

"How do I stop the medicine from working?"
He said "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'"

I responded, and he said:
"but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

 

I was eager to see if it worked so I went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited my wife to join me in the bedroom.

When she came in, I took off my clothes and said, "1-2-3!"
Immediately, I was the manliest of men.

My wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes,
and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition,
because we could end up with a dangling participle.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Did the wife consider this to be his true 'comeuppance' or just a total let down?

Edited July 27, 2017 by scottiejohn

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

 

Tyler was excited about his first day at school. So excited in fact, that only a few minutes after class started, he realized that he desperately needed to go to the bathroom. So, Tyler raised his hand politely to ask if he could be excused.

 

Of course, the teacher said yes, but asked Tyler to be quick. Five minutes later Tyler returned, looking more desperate and embarrassed. "I can't find it," he admitted.

 

The teacher sat Tyler down and drew him a little diagram to where he should go and asked him if he will be able to find it now. Tyler looked at the diagram, said "yes" and goes on his way.

 

Well, five minutes later he returned to the class room and says to the teacher, "I can't find it."

 

Frustrated, the teacher asked Tommy, a boy who has been at the school for a while, to help him find the bathroom. So, Tommy and Tyler go together and five minutes later they both return and sit down at their seats.

 

The teacher asks Tommy, "Well, did you find it?"

 

 

 

Tommy is quick with his reply, "Oh sure, he just had his boxer shorts on backwards."

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

 

Summoning the patient into his office, the psychiatrist shot her a radiant smile.

"You know, Claudia, in this profession one rarely uses the word ‘cure,’ but after five years of therapy, it is my pleasure to pronounce you one hundred percent cured!" he announced proudly.

 

To his surprise, an unhappy look came over the woman’s face.

 

"What’s wrong?" asked the doctor. "This is a success for me and a triumph for you—I thought you’d be thrilled."

 

"Oh, it’s fine for you," she finally snapped, "but look at it from my point of view.Three years ago I was Joan of Arc. Now I’m nobody."

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

 

President and Mrs. Clinton once visited a state fair, where the prize rooster was brought to Mrs. Clinton’s attention.

 

"This here rooster does his duty up to eight times a day, ma’am," the proud owner informed her. The first lady’s eyes opened wide. "Please see to it that that piece of information reaches the president," she instructed crisply.

 

Not long after, the president’s party passed through the poultry barn, and the rooster’s owner dutifully informed President Clinton of the bird’s prowess. "Eight times a day, eh?" the president marveled. "With the same hen?"

 

"No sir—with a different hen each time."

 

"Pass that on to Mrs. Clinton!"

[scottiejohn]

[laislica]

I just made a hotel out of little cheesy biscuits.......

It's not exactly the Ritz.

.

[CantSpell]

Might have a winner LOL.

Hopefully will pass moderating screening.. but OMG so bad... sorry :)

 

[CantSpell]

[CantSpell]

[CantSpell]

Thy shall not use Sentence Enhancers on da forums :)

[scottiejohn]

15 hours ago, laislica said:

I just made a hotel out of little cheesy biscuits.......

It's not exactly the Ritz.

.

Oh crumbs, that's one 'cracker' of a joke which also takes the biscuit!

 

 

Edited July 28, 2017 by scottiejohn

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

A man struck up a conversation with an attractive woman at the bar, and when she went to the ladies room, he beckoned the bartender to come over.

"Listen, I’d really like to get lucky with this girl," he explained, "but I think I’m going to need a little help. Got any Spanish Fly to put in her drink?"

"We’re out of Spanish Fly, but I can let you have some Jewish Fly for half the price," said the bartender.

"Jewish Fly? Never heard of it," admitted the horny guy. "But I’ll give it a shot if you recommend it." So he paid for the little packet and poured the contents into her cocktail. Sure enough, the women grew friendlier by the sip. Halfway through the drink, she began holding his hand, and by the time the glass was empty, she was stroking his thigh.

 

"What say we get out of this joint?" she whispered in his ear.

 

"Great!" he replied with a gulp. "Where to?"

 

 

"We’ll pick up my mother, go shopping, and talk about medical school."

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

 

A young Jewish boy starts attending a one-room school in a small town. The teacher decides to use her position to try to influence the new student. She asks the class, "Who was the greatest man that ever lived?"

A girl raises her hand and says, "I think George Washington was the greatest man that ever lived because he is the father of our country." The teacher replies, "Well . . . that’s a good answer, but that’s not the answer I am looking

for."

Another young student raises his hand and says, "I think Abraham Lincoln was the greatest man that ever lived because he freed the slaves and helped end the Civil War." "Well, that’s another good answer, but that is not the one I was looking for," says the teacher.

Then the new Jewish boy raises his hand and says, "I think Jesus Christ was the greatest man that ever lived." The teacher’s mouth drops open in astonishment. "Yes!" she says. "That’s the answer I was looking for."

She then brings him up to the front of the classroom and gives him a lollipop.

 

Later, during recess, another Jewish boy approaches him as he is licking his lollipop. He says, "Why did you say, ‘Jesus Christ’?" The boy stops licking his lollipop and replies,

 

"I know that the greatest man that ever lived was Moses, and you know it’s Moses, but business is business."

[scottiejohn]

[laislica]

I sit here, pondering the unanswerable questions of the universe on a Friday morning.

I can't help wondering to myself "Why is seagull shit white?"

 

 

When did white shit make any sense?

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

 

"Sheila," asked Lucy thoughtfully one day,

"what would you do if you caught another woman in bed with your husband?"

"With Ralph?" Sheila thought it over.

"Let’s see: I’d break her cane, shoot her Seeing Eye dog, and call a cab to take her back to the institution she escaped from."

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

Two fellows were sitting in a coffee shop, when suddenly the town’s fire alarm went off.

One of them jumped up and headed for the door.

His friend shouted,

"Hey, Tom, I didn’t know you were a fireman!"

Tom replied,

 

 

 

"I’m not, but my girlfriend’s husband is. . . ."

[scottiejohn]

[riceyummm]

 

[riceyummm]