Worst Joke Ever

[riceyummm]

Back to school time already?

 

 

Edited August 10, 2017 by riceyummm

[riceyummm]

The Perfect Storm

 

[riceyummm]

[riceyummm]

[riceyummm]

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

Joan, a beautiful young woman, was giving a pedicure at the hotel in house beauty salon to a young businessman called Bob who was in town for a convention. At the same time Bob was also getting an open razor hot soap shave by a middle aged man, called jack.

As it was late in the afternoon and Bob was finished for the day he thought he would try his luck with Joan.

Bob says to Joan "I see it’s near closing time for the Salon so how’s about we go out for a drink and even a meal if you want after you have closed up the Salon?"

"I am a happily married woman", she replied, with a wry smile on her lips and a glint in her eye!

Bob seeing the smile etc; said: "So?, call your husband and tell him you are going to visit a sick girlfriend and may have to stop over tonight with her."

 

Joan said: "Tell him yourself, that’s my husband Jack that’s shaving you at the moment!"

[scottiejohn]

[Ron19]

 

An Irishman is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a priest baptising people in the river.  He proceeds into
the water, subsequently bumping into the priest. The priest turns
around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon, he
asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk shouts,
"Yes, I am."

 

So the priest grabs him and dunks him in the water He pulls him back and asks, "Brother, have you found Jesus?" The drunk replies,
"No, I haven't found Jesus!" The priest, shocked at the answer, dunks him again but for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks, "Have you found Jesus, brother?" The drunk answers,
"No, I haven't found Jesus!"

 

By this time, the priest is at his wits end and dunks the drunk again -- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when
he begins kicking his arms and legs about, he pulls him up.

 

The priest again asks the drunk, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"

 

 

The drunk staggers upright, wipes his eyes, coughs up a bit of water, catches his breath and says to the priest,

 

"Are you sure this is where he fell in?”

[scottiejohn]

Man: I want a divorce. My wife hasn't spoken to me in six months.

Lawyer: Better think it over. Wives like that are hard to get!

　

I saw a beaver movie last night; it was the best dam movie I've ever seen.

　

How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it!

　

Sleeping comes so naturally to me, I could do it with my eyes closed

　

I was called prude as I didn't want my kids to join a band or orchestra and risk being exposed to so much sax and violins.

　

There is a sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center that says…

Keep Off the Grass

　

Police were called to a daycare, where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

　

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

 

It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.

　

　

I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.

　

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

 

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.

It wasn’t long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before. Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones’s sales pitch.

Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said: "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don’t have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government has to pay only a maximum of $6000."

 

 

"Now," he concluded, "Which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?"

　

[scottiejohn]

[fasteddie]

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

 

He was in absolute ecstasy, with a huge smile on his face as his wife, with hands, feet, eyes and head all over the place moved forward, then backwards, then forward, then backwards again and again.

 

In and out it went, in and out, in and out, and on and on went the performance of a lifetime!

After what seemed a lifetime but in reality only 20 minutes her heart was pounding, her face was flushed, she was covered in sweat, then she moaned, softly at first, then she began to groan louder and louder.

 

Finally, totally exhausted, she let out one last almighty high pitched scream and shouted out at the top of her voice.

 

 

"OK OK you b**tard! your right I can’t park the God damm car, you can go and do it your f**king self you smug faced d**khead."

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

 

A Scottish boy takes a Jewish lassie on a date.

She orders costly champagne, oysters, lobsters, the most expensive food on the menu.

The Jock asks: "Do you eat like this at your mother’s place."

The girl replies: "No. My mother doesn’t plan to sleep with me."

 

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

 

The husband comes home from Church and greeting his wife, who had remained at home to look after the newborn baby, lifts her up and carries her upstairs to the bedroom.

The wife is so surprised and asks smiling, "Oh darling! Did the Pastor preach about being romantic"?

Out of breath the husband replies,

"No, he said we must carry our burdens..."

 

 

A man is sitting at home on the veranda having drinks with his wife and he says,

"I love you".

She asks,

"Is that you or the beer talking?"

He replies,

"It’s me... talking to the beer."

 

　

Husband: I have a problem at the office.

Wife: After marriage, you don’t say I have a problem, say we have a problem.

 

Husband: Ok, We are expecting a baby from OUR Secretary!

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

In view of the egg "crisis" in Europe I thought I might poach this one from another pot boiler!

 

[Daffy D]

What do rednecks do to celebrate Halloween

 pumpkin

 

[Andrew Dwyer]

What do rednecks do to celebrate Halloween

 pumpkin
 

Subtle !

[owl sees all]

Three nuns were at the gates of heaven. St Gabriel was in charge of the induction. 

 

"Now ladies I want you to know the procedure. God has entrusted me to vet you. As you can imagine all sorts find their way here and he has to make sure you are worthy of your place in heaven. Now the theme today is the 'Garden of Eden' and I'm going to ask each of you a question. If your answer is correct you are OK. Wrong answer, or a don't know, and you are off 'down below' with Lucifer and his crew."

 

"Now who is going first?"

 

One of the nuns steps forward. "Ok dear, tell me 'who was the first man in the Garden of Eden?'" "Ooh, that's an easy one; it was Adam!" "Correct; come on in."

 

"Who is next?" Second nun steps up. "Now tell me 'who was the first woman in the Garden of Eden?'" "Ooh that's an easy one; her name was Eve" "Correct; come on in."

 

"Now you my dear. When Eve first saw Adam in the garden of Eden what were the first words she uttered?"

 

The nun had a puzzled look on her face. "Ooh, that's a hard one." "Correct come on in. 100% today; the boss will be pleased!"

 

Edited August 15, 2017 by owl sees all

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

Learning the Lord’s Prayer

 

A three year old was learning the Lord’s Prayer from her mother.   For several evenings at bedtime they practiced it together.

 

One night the daughter announced she was ready to say it on her own.  The mother was filled with pride as she listened to her daughter say it perfectly all the way to the end. 

 

"Lead us not into temptation," the daughter recited, "but deliver us from Email, Amen."

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

 

No Talking in Church

 

Suzie and her little brother Colin were sitting together in church.  Colin was giggling and singing and talking out loud.

 

After a while his big sister had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church," she reminded him.

 

"Why," he asked? "Who's going to stop me?" Colin asked.

 

Suzie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door?  They're hushers."

[scottiejohn]