In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight mini skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step, and, once again, much to her dismay, she could not raise her leg.

With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind a third time to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"

 

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends!"

Female athlete says to the Doctor "I've started growing a penis! I think it might be because I've been taking a lot of steroids"
Doctor asks "Anabolic?"
Female athlete replies "No, just a penis!"

***

I remember when I was working up in Scotland for a few weeks.
I was getting really frustrated.
So I phoned the Wife and said, "Hello Love, can you send me a Pic of you pleasuring yourself" ?
The bitch sent me a pic of her outside "Greggs" eating a Steak Bake Pasty.....

 

 

A couple starts fussing over their new born baby boy.

' Look at the size of his c*ck , its huge, ' said the husband.

' Yes, but he does have your eyes darling if nothing else,' said his wife.

5 Stages of Sex

l. The first is Smurf Sex. This happens during the honeymoon period, you both keep doing it until you're blue in the face.

2.The second is Kitchen Sex. This is at the beginning of the marriage, you'll have sex anywhere, anytime, even in the kitchen.

3.The third kind is Bedroom Sex. You've calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, so you gotta do it in the bedroom.

4.The fourth kind is Hallway Sex. This is where you pass each other in the hallway and say, "F&ck you!"

5.There is also a fifth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex.

 

 

This is when you get divorced and your wife screws you in front of everyone in the room.....

 

My wife told me to go to the doctors and get some of those tablets that help' get an erection.

You should have seen her face when I came back and tossed her some diet pills!

 

I‘m still looking for a place to live..

A guy goes to doctor.

During prostate exam he says "Hey doc your ring is kinda hurtin me, can you take it off?"

The Doctor says "I'm sorry, that's not my ring that's my watch"

 

A guy walks in to a bar with a cat and an ostrich. He orders a pint for himself a half for the ostrich and a vodka for the cat...

Half an hour later the ostrich comes up to the bar and orders half for himself, a pint for the guy and a vodka for the cat.

Half an hour later the man comes to the bar and orders again... this goes on all night first the man, then the ostrich...

At the end of the night the barman says to him.... "I couldn't help noticing, you and the ostrich bought all the drinks".

The man replied "Well its a long story" and continues... "I was walking down a beach and saw a lamp, I gave it a rub and a genie appeared and gave me a wish, so I wished for a Bird with long legs and a tight pussy!!"

　

 

A man with a mask on walks into a bank and goes to the desk.

He pulls out a gun and points it at the lady at the desk.

He says,'Open the vault'.

The woman says, 'Sir, this is a sperm bank. We don’t have any money here'.

The man says, 'Open the vault right now or im going to blow your <deleted> head off'.

She opens the vault and turns back to the man and he said, 'Take out one of those jars'.

The woman said, 'please sir, I promise you we don’t have any money here. This is a sperm bank'.

The man said, 'Take out one of those jars right now or I will blow your bloody head off'.

The women turns, grabs the jar and looks back to the man and he said, 'Take the lid off and swallow what’s in it'.

She looks at him in disgust and pleas to him saying, 'Sir, this is sperm. Please, im not drinking sperm. We don’t have any money here. Please leave'.

The man says, 'Take the lid off and drink it or ill blow your head off'.

So the woman takes off the lid and kicks it back real quick and swallows it with little to no problem then turns to look back at the man and to her amazement he took off the mask and it was her husband.

 

 

He looked at her and said, 'See! It's not that difficult is it'.

In America's deep south a man finds an interesting old bottle while out walking. He takes it home and starts to clean it. He polishes it until it sparkles. He notices a cork inside the neck and after some prising the broken cork pops out. Two genies come out of the bottle. One genie says; "Thanks for that Buck, we have been stuck in that bottle since the American Civil War. As a reward we will grant you unlimited wishes. Just rub the bottle and within seconds your wish will come true.

 

The man thinks carefully and makes his first wish. And it happens! He likes what he sees and quickly makes another. Pleased that he has chosen wisely; makes a third. Upon this third wish the two genies quickly whisk him away to a tree in the garden, thrown a rope over a branch and within seconds they hang him.

 

As the genies drift away from the tree they start talking. "I don't get it. I can understand the first wish; stacks and stacks of gold. And the second; a massive mansion with dozens of beautiful maidens as housekeepers. But the third baffles me; he could have had anything; why did he want to be hung like a black man???!!!"
 

 

Two Men were out fishing when one decides to have a smoke

He asks the other guy if he has a lighter.

He replies "Yes I do!" and hands the other a 10 inch long BIC lighter.

Surprised the guy asks "Where did you get this?"

The guy replies "Oh I have a personal genie."

The first man asks "Can I make a wish? "

Sure says the other man "Just make sure that you speak clearly cause he is a little hard at hearing"

"Ok I will" says the other as he rubs the lamp a genie appears and asks the man what he wants

The man says " I want a Million Bucks "

The genie says OK and goes back to his bottle and 10 seconds later a million ducks fly over head

And the guy says to the other " Your genie really sucks at hearing doesn't he?"

The other man replies

 

"I know, do you really think I asked for a 10 inch BIC"

 

A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband's key in the door.

"Stay where you are," she said. "He's so drunk he won't even notice you're in bed with me."

Sure enough, the husband lurched into bed none the wiser, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.

He turned to his wife: "Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What's going on?"

"Nonsense," said the wife. "You're so drunk you miscounted. Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there."

The husband climbed out of bed and counted. "One, two, three, four. You're right, you know, I should never have doubted you darling."

A blonde goes into a bar.

The bartender asks her what she would like.

She replies, "Bring me a beer please, I am so thirsty."

The bartender then asks her, "Anheuser-Busch?"

To which she replies,

"Fine thanks, and how's your c*ck?"

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Why don't some couples go to the gym? Because some relationships don't work out.
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