Worst Joke Ever

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

Phone conversation:

WIFE: Hi Dear, what’s up?

HUSBAND: Honey , Do you remember that Jewelry shop where we saw a beautiful long diamond necklace and engagement ring that you totally fell in love with but I just could not afford at that moment and I said that one day when I had the money I would buy them for you!

WIFE: "Yes, the king of my heart, of course I remember, it was the day we got engaged after all."

HUSBAND: "Oh Great and you remember although I didn’t have enough money to buy even a cup of coffee, never mind the ring, or the necklace, you accepted me and booked us into a smart Hotel two doors down and we celebrated our new ‘union’ and you had to work overtime for weeks afterwards to pay for the room when I got fired after the DUI and spent weeks in Goal? Well I am near there now!

(The wife is totally relaxed with a big smile now and even blushing wishing and praying that he is about to but the coveted items.)

WIFE: "Yes I remember both places my love!!!!"

HUSBAND: "Good! I am in the bar between the two of them, I have run out of money again so can you come and pick me up!"

 

 

(he is still waiting)

 

[scottiejohn]

[owl sees all]

4 hours ago, Ron19 said:

Kim Jong-un announced that North Korea would be sending a man to the sun within ten years!

Reporter - "But the sun is very hot. How can your man land on it?" 

There was a stunned silence. Nobody knew how to react. 

Then Kim Jong-un quietly answered, "We will land at night". 

The entire audience broke out in thunderous applause !
 

Donald Trump heard what Kim had said and sneered - 
"What an idiot. There is no sun at night time!" 

And his people responded with thunderous applause!

Then the Don said when the US goes; it'll be in the winter. And his people went delirious upon hearing such wisdom.

[laislica]

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

 

A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

"You’ll get your chance in court." said the Desk Sergeant.

"No, no, no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife.

 

I’ve been trying to do that for years!"

 

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

Q: What did the man with slab of asphalt under his arm order?

A: "A beer for me please, and one for the road."

　

A bee goes into a bar,

It comes out 2 hours later buzzing

　

Never text while driving, you might spill your beer.

　

I don't recycle because it makes me look like a huge alcoholic to my garbage man.

　

My body is not a temple.....it's a microbrewery with legs.

　

Anyone who says that beer is a depressant isn't drinking enough of it.

　

A skeleton walks into a bar and says, "Gimme a beer, and a mop."

　

A soccer ball walks into a bar. The bartender kicked him out.

　

A magician walks down an alley with his dog and it turns into a bar

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

 

A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice. "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you."

The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him.

The man was astonished. He went on, and after a while he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die.

The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.

"Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?" "I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.

"Oh yeah?" the man asked.

 

"And where the hell were you when I got married?"

[scottiejohn]

[owl sees all]

 

Trump was at a meeting with his inner circle. "I want to nuke that fat NK f-----r but I need a slogan; a war cry. Anyone got any ideas?" The room fell silent.

 

"Why don't we get that Tony Blair on the line?" Someone suggested. "He is good at that stuff. Tough on crime. Things like that."

 

"That sounds good to me Buck. Get him on the blower."

 

"Hi, is that Tony Blair? That's good, Trump here, now give me a one liner that will galvanise the American people over Kin Jung."

 

"Mr Trump; what about 'weapons of mass destruction'?"

 

"Didn't we use that for Sadam? I don't think I could use that. Bush would not be happy. Give me another."

 

"What about 'here today and gone tomorrow'?"

 

"Good one. Another one Blair!'

 

"A rabbit down a hole, or toad in the hole, or mole underground'?"

 

"All good stuff Blair. Now you get on with running your Islands."

 

Trump considered his options on the slogan; and tweeted to the world.

 

"Kim Jong Un; hare today and mole tomorrow."

[scottiejohn]

1 hour ago, owl sees all said:

 

Trump was at a meeting with his inner circle. "I want to nuke that fat NK f-----r but I need a slogan; a war cry. Anyone got any ideas?" The room fell silent.

 

"Why don't we get that Tony Blair on the line?" Someone suggested. "He is good at that stuff. Tough on crime. Things like that."

 

"That sounds good to me Buck. Get him on the blower."

 

"Hi, is that Tony Blair? That's good, Trump here, now give me a one liner that will galvanise the American people over Kin Jung."

 

"Mr Trump; what about 'weapons of mass destruction'?"

 

"Didn't we use that for Sadam? I don't think I could use that. Bush would not be happy. Give me another."

 

"What about 'here today and gone tomorrow'?"

 

"Good one. Another one Blair!'

 

"A rabbit down a hole, or toad in the hole, or mole underground'?"

 

"All good stuff Blair. Now you get on with running your Islands."

 

Trump considered his options on the slogan; and tweeted to the world.

 

"Kim Jong Un; hare today and mole tomorrow."

Another rabbit pulled out of the hat!

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

 

Q: How does a woman scare a gynecologist?

A: By becoming a ventriloquist!

　

Q: Did you guys hear about the cannibal that made a bunch of businessmen into Chili?

A: I guess he liked seasoned professionals.

　

Q: Did you hear about the celebrity murderer?

A: He was shooting for the stars.

　

Q: What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?

A: Anyone can roast beef.

　

Q: Why did Tigger look in the toilet?

A: Because he was looking for Pooh

 

If a firefighters business can go up in smoke, and a plumbers business can go down the drain, can a hooker get laid off?

　

Q: What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates?

A: A tearjerker.

　

Q: What do you call a Muslim stripper?

A: youseen memuff　

　

Q: How do you make a pool table laugh?

A: Tickle its balls

　

Q: What's worse than finding a Justin Bieber CD in your boyfriend's bedroom?

A: Finding an open box of tissues next to it.

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

 

A boss was complaining in a staff meeting the other day that he wasn’t getting any respect.

The next morning he came into the office with a small sign that read, "I’m the Boss".

He then taped it to his office door.

Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said.

"Your wife called, she wants her sign back".

 

 

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

 

A car was involved in an accident in a street.

As expected a large crowd gathered.

A lawyer, anxious to see if he could sign up any survivors for a possible case, could not get near the car.

Being a clever sort, he started shouting loudly , "Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim."

The crowd made way for him.

 

Lying in front of the car was a donkey .

 

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

A man is strolling past the mental hospital and suddenly remembers an important meeting.

Unfortunately , his watch has stopped, and he cannot tell if he is late or not. Then, he notices a patient similarly strolling about within the hospital fence. Calling out to the patient, the man says, "Pardon me, sir, but do you have the time?"

The patient calls back, "One moment!" and throws himself upon the ground, pulling out a short stick as he does. He pushes the stick into the ground, and, pulling out a carpenter’s level, assures himself that the stick is vertical. With a compass, the patient locates north and with a steel ruler, measures the precise length of the shadow cast by the stick.

Withdrawing a slide rule from his pocket, the patient calculates rapidly , then swiftly packs up all his tools and turns back to the pedestrian, saying, "It is now precisely 3:29 pm, provided today is August 16th, which I believe it is."

The man can’t help but be impressed by this demonstration, and sets his watch accordingly . Before he leaves, he says to the patient, "That was really quite remarkable, but tell me, what do you do on a cloudy day , or at night, when the stick casts no shadow?"

 

The patient holds up his wrist and says, "I suppose I’d just look at my watch."

[scottiejohn]

[Ron19]

A young ventriloquist is touring Norway and puts on a show in a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts  going through his usual dumb blonde jokes. Suddenly a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype Norwegian blonde women that way? What does the colour of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It’s men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. Its people like you that make others think that all blondes are dumb! You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, pathetically all in the name of humour!" The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologise, and the blonde yells: "You stay out of this! ......I'm talking to that little shit on your lap."

[owl sees all]

Sorry about this guys,,,,,,,,,,,

 

Trump was at a meeting with his inner circle. "I want to nuke that fat NK f-----r but I need a slogan; a war cry. Anyone got any ideas?" The room fell silent.

 

"Why don't we get that Tony Blair on the line?" Someone suggested. "He is good at that stuff. Tough on crime. Things like that."

 

"Hi, is that Tony Blair? That's good, Trump here, now give me a one liner that will galvanise the American people over Kin Jung."

 

"Mr Trump; what about 'weapons of mass destruction'?"

 

"Didn't we use that for Sadam? I don't think I could use that. Bush would not be happy. Never mind I'll make one up myself."

 

Next day he tweeted; 'Kim Jong Un has got a big bomb; but I've got a bigger one.'

[riceyummm]

[riceyummm]

[owl sees all]

+ When I was born, I was given a choice - A big dick or a good memory. I don't remember, what I chose.

 

+ Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

 

+ A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

 

+ Impotence: Nature's way of saying 'No hard feelings...'

 

+ There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.

[riceyummm]

[riceyummm]