Popular Post laislica Posted October 22, 2017 Popular Post Share Posted October 22, 2017 2 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post scottiejohn Posted October 23, 2017 Popular Post Share Posted October 23, 2017 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scottiejohn Posted October 23, 2017 Share Posted October 23, 2017 How are blondes like turtles? Once they're on their backs they're screwed. How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb? Blondes don't screw in light bulbs. They screw in hot tubs. Why don't blondes go ice fishing? They'll drown trying to fry their catch. Why don't blondes play water polo? They're afraid the horses will drown. A blonde accidentally ran over her cat's tail with the lawnmower. She immediately took her beloved pet to Walmart because it's the worlds largest retailer. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scottiejohn Posted October 23, 2017 Share Posted October 23, 2017 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scottiejohn Posted October 23, 2017 Share Posted October 23, 2017 "You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand. "If I wasn’t under oath, I’d return the compliment," replied the witness. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scottiejohn Posted October 23, 2017 Share Posted October 23, 2017 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scottiejohn Posted October 23, 2017 Share Posted October 23, 2017 Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer, and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred-dollar bill. Who gets to keep it? The old drunk, of course! The other three are mythological creatures. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scottiejohn Posted October 23, 2017 Share Posted October 23, 2017 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post owl sees all Posted October 23, 2017 Popular Post Share Posted October 23, 2017 The ladies were in a hoding pen for the deceaced, ready to be allocated a gate in heaven or hell. St. Crispin was the moderator; today's question, he thought, will be about travel. The first lady shuffled to the front; she was dressed in muslim garb. "If you're going to heaven how would you get there?" "I would go on a winged horse," was her reply. "Correct!!" St. Crispin pointed to the Islam gate. Next lady, dressed as a nun, was asked the same question; "I would walk up a golden staircase." she replied. "Correct!!" St. Crispin pointed to the Christian gate. Next up was a Pattaya lady; Same question again. "I'm not sure, handsome man, a tuk-tuk maybe, but take this brown envelope anyway; it's stuffed with Thai Baht!" "Money is no good here dear." "Then; nudge, nudge, wink,wink; 'how's your father'?" "Young lady, I'll have you know my father is the all-mighty. And he is very good." "Oh really." Getting noticably excited. "He can join us any time then." 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post riceyummm Posted October 23, 2017 Popular Post Share Posted October 23, 2017 2 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scottiejohn Posted October 24, 2017 Share Posted October 24, 2017 (edited) On 23/10/2017 at 2:20 PM, riceyummm said: Volte-Face I have been praying but now I am enlightened and hope that I have the capacity in my single cell brain not to discharge and drain my feelings or meet any resistance or worry about being charged and get a battery of abuse for this nearly negative but now positive post about spark of brilliance in the picture above. It was very nearly too subtle!!! for me to get the joke, but as you can gather the light bulb is now fully on and I have now got it. Good one! (or are we not supposed to say "bad joke"-"groan" etc?) Edited October 24, 2017 by scottiejohn Another charge of energy/edit thought! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scottiejohn Posted October 24, 2017 Share Posted October 24, 2017 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scottiejohn Posted October 24, 2017 Share Posted October 24, 2017 HOW REARRANGED LETTERS MAY LOOK! DORMITORY DIRTY ROOM PRESBYTERIAN BEST IN PRAYER ASTRONOMER MOON STARER DESPERATION A ROPE ENDS IT THE EYES THEY SEE GEORGE BUSH HE BUGS GORE THE MORSE CODE HERE COME DOTS SLOT MACHINES CASH LOST IN ME ANIMOSITY IS NO AMITY ELECTION RESULTS LIES LET'S RECOUNT MOTHER IN LAW WOMAN HITLER SNOOZE ALARMS ALAS NO MORE Z'S A DECIMAL POINT IM A DOT IN PLACE THE EARTHQUAKES THAT QUEER SHAKE ELEVEN PLUS TWO TWELVE PLUS ONE Challenge; re-arrange again! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scottiejohn Posted October 24, 2017 Share Posted October 24, 2017 Maybe not quite PC but here goes!!!! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scottiejohn Posted October 24, 2017 Share Posted October 24, 2017 (edited) Again not quite PC, but its no skin off my """"" Why do Jews have big noses? Because the air is free. Why do basketball players make horrible porn actors? Because they always dribble before they shoot. Did you hear about the Japanese- restaurant run by a Jewish lawyer? It's called Sosueme. How do you drive a Jew crazy? Put him in a round room and tell him there's a penny in the corner. What's the great Jewish dilemma? Free bacon. What's the difference between a Jew and a canoe? A canoe tips. Edited October 24, 2017 by scottiejohn Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scottiejohn Posted October 24, 2017 Share Posted October 24, 2017 (edited) Edited October 24, 2017 by scottiejohn Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scottiejohn Posted October 24, 2017 Share Posted October 24, 2017 A young good looking man walks into a bar and orders six doubles straight off. The barman asks the man what his troubles are. "No troubles", said the customer. "In fact I am celebrating". "Celebrating what?" asked the barman. "I have just had my first blowjob". came the reply. "In that case let me give you a seventh double on the house" replied the barman. "No Thanks", said the man "If six don't get rid of that taste and smell nothing will!" 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scottiejohn Posted October 24, 2017 Share Posted October 24, 2017 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CantSpell Posted October 24, 2017 Share Posted October 24, 2017 Wife just broke up with me... Apparently I am too handsome, to fantastic in the bed, giving her far too many orgasms, I am too charming and making far too much money.... She said something as well about my chronic lying but I did not hear all, I was too busy wrestling a bear.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scottiejohn Posted October 25, 2017 Share Posted October 25, 2017 20 hours ago, CantSpell said: Wife just broke up with me... Apparently I am too handsome, to fantastic in the bed, giving her far too many orgasms, I am too charming and making far too much money.... She said something as well about my chronic lying but I did not hear all, I was too busy wrestling a bear.. I take it that you do realise that you would be a perfect specimen of the human race if you were not so modest. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scottiejohn Posted October 25, 2017 Share Posted October 25, 2017 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scottiejohn Posted October 25, 2017 Share Posted October 25, 2017 Harry goes to he doctor's and sits in a queue between to other guys. They start talking and one admits to having a red ring round the top of his penis. Harry then admits that he too has a line round the top of his penis, but its green The third guy admits that his ring is orange. The doctor calls in the first guy with the red ring leaving Harry and the other sufferer nervously awaiting their fate. After a few minutes the guy re-appears with a big grin on his face. "Nothing to it, " he said. The doctor reappeared and called the guy with the orange ring. "So what happened," inquired Harry. "Piece of cake" the other guy replies. "The Doctor examined the problem, coated on some cream and after ten minutes told me to wash it all off. And that was it! The ring had gone!" The other guy appears and starts to tell the same story and of the similar treatment just as the Doctor calls for Harry. Harry wanders in, full of confidence, drops his trousers and asks where the cream is kept. The Doctor looks at Harry over the top of his glasses, picks up a wooden spatula, and proceeds to examine Harry's appendage with great concern. "I've got some bad news for you Harry," the Doctor pronounces, "we will have to amputate your penis as soon as possible!" Harry sinks into a chair in disbelief and horror. "Can't you just give me the cream like you did for the other two guys. They've recovered OK." "Well Harry," says the doc; "There is all the difference in the world between removing lipstick and dealing with gangrene!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scottiejohn Posted October 25, 2017 Share Posted October 25, 2017 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scottiejohn Posted October 25, 2017 Share Posted October 25, 2017 Two Irishmen were in the bar, when one of them gasped, "Oh my God here comes my wife and my mistress!" "What a coincidence" exclaimed his friend. "I was about to say the same thing." 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scottiejohn Posted October 25, 2017 Share Posted October 25, 2017 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scottiejohn Posted October 25, 2017 Share Posted October 25, 2017 Laurie fell for her handsome new dentist like a ton of bricks, and pretty soon had lured him into a series of passionate encounters in the dental clinic after hours. But one day he said sadly, "Laurie, honey, we’ve got to stop seeing each other. Your husband’s bound to get suspicious and this really has to be your last visit here." "No way, sweetheart, he’s dumb as a post," she assured him. "Besides, we’ve been screwing for six months now and he doesn’t suspect a thing." "True," agreed the dentist, "but you’re down to one tooth." 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scottiejohn Posted October 25, 2017 Share Posted October 25, 2017 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
owl sees all Posted October 25, 2017 Share Posted October 25, 2017 Interesting quotations: "There is a number of mechanical devices which can increase a woman's sexual arousal. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz SL500." Unknown "It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married." George Burns "Some women can fake orgasms but some can fake a whole relationship." Sharon Stone "Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." Tiger Woods "My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." Jack Nicholson "Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks his car or where he lives, but he never forgets bad oral sex." Barbara Bush 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
owl sees all Posted October 25, 2017 Share Posted October 25, 2017 (edited) Robin Williams' quotations: "The problem is that God gave men a brain and a penis but only enough blood to run one at a time." "Ah, yes the word 'divorce', from the Latin meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." "Statistics prove that most American imports come from other countries." Quoting G Bush. "It wasn't the apple on the tree that got us humans into all this trouble. It was the pear on the grass." "I say don't buy just one condom; buy two and be one jump ahead." Edited October 25, 2017 by owl sees all 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
owl sees all Posted October 25, 2017 Share Posted October 25, 2017 (edited) More interesting quotations: "According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women." "I think women are too judgmental, where, of course, men, are just grateful." Robert De Niro "There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to fruity condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So I say what's the problem?" Dustin Hoffman "It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom and who holds the cucumber." Joan Rivers "Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy." Steve Martin "You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for later in life." Unknown "Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same." Oscar Wilde Edited October 25, 2017 by owl sees all 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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