Worst Joke Ever

[laislica]

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

 

How are blondes like turtles? Once they're on their backs they're screwed.

　

How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Blondes don't screw in light bulbs. They screw in hot tubs.

　

Why don't blondes go ice fishing? They'll drown trying to fry their catch.

　

Why don't blondes play water polo? They're afraid the horses will drown.

　

A blonde accidentally ran over her cat's tail with the lawnmower. She

immediately took her beloved pet to Walmart because it's

the worlds largest retailer.

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand.

"If I wasn’t under oath, I’d return the compliment," replied the witness.

               

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer, and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred-dollar bill.

Who gets to keep it?

The old drunk, of course!

 

The other three are mythological creatures.

[scottiejohn]

[owl sees all]

The ladies were in a hoding pen for the deceaced, ready to be allocated a gate in heaven or hell. St. Crispin was the moderator; today's question, he thought, will be about travel.
 

The first lady shuffled to the front; she was dressed in muslim garb. "If you're going to heaven how would you get there?"

"I would go on a winged horse," was her reply.

"Correct!!" St. Crispin pointed to the Islam gate.

 

Next lady, dressed as a nun, was asked the same question; "I would walk up a golden staircase." she replied.

"Correct!!" St. Crispin pointed to the Christian gate.

 

Next up was a Pattaya lady; Same question again.

"I'm not sure, handsome man, a tuk-tuk maybe, but take this brown envelope anyway; it's stuffed with Thai Baht!"

"Money is no good here dear."

"Then; nudge, nudge, wink,wink; 'how's your father'?"

"Young lady, I'll have you know my father is the all-mighty. And he is very good."

"Oh really." Getting noticably excited. "He can join us any time then."

[riceyummm]

[scottiejohn]

On ‎23‎/‎10‎/‎2017 at 2:20 PM, riceyummm said:

Volte-Face

I have been praying but now I am enlightened and  hope that I have the capacity in my single cell brain not to discharge and drain my feelings or meet any resistance or worry about being charged and get a battery of abuse for this nearly negative but now positive post about spark of brilliance in the picture above.

 

It was very nearly too subtle!!! for me to get the joke, but as you can gather the light bulb is now fully on and I have now got it. Good one! (or are we not supposed to say "bad joke"-"groan" etc?)

Edited October 24, 2017 by scottiejohn
Another charge of energy/edit thought!

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

 

HOW REARRANGED LETTERS MAY LOOK!

DORMITORY                                   DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN                             BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER                               MOON STARER

DESPERATION                               A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES                                        THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH                               HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE                         HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES                           CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY                                     IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS                      LIES LET'S RECOUNT

MOTHER IN LAW                            WOMAN HITLER

SNOOZE ALARMS                          ALAS NO MORE Z'S

A DECIMAL POINT                         IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES                     THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO                       TWELVE PLUS ONE

 

Challenge;  re-arrange again!

[scottiejohn]

Maybe not quite PC but here goes!!!!

 

[scottiejohn]

Again not quite PC, but its no skin off my """""

 

 

Why do Jews have big noses? Because the air is free.

　

Why do basketball players make horrible porn actors? Because they always dribble before they shoot.

　

Did you hear about the Japanese- restaurant run by a Jewish lawyer?  It's called Sosueme.

　

How do you drive a Jew crazy?

Put him in a round room and tell him there's a penny in the corner.

 

What's the great Jewish dilemma?  Free bacon.

 

What's the difference between a Jew and a canoe? A canoe tips.

Edited October 24, 2017 by scottiejohn

[scottiejohn]

Edited October 24, 2017 by scottiejohn

[scottiejohn]

A young good looking man walks into a bar and orders six doubles straight off.

The barman asks the man what his troubles are.

"No troubles", said the customer.

"In fact I am celebrating".

"Celebrating what?" asked the barman.

"I have just had my first blowjob". came the reply.

"In that case let me give you a seventh double on the house" replied the barman.

 

"No Thanks", said the man

 

"If six don't get rid of that taste and smell nothing will!"

[scottiejohn]

[CantSpell]

Wife just broke up with me...

 

Apparently I am too handsome, to fantastic in the bed, giving her far too many orgasms, I am too charming and making far too much money....

 

She said something as well about my chronic lying but I did not hear all, I was too busy wrestling a bear..

[scottiejohn]

20 hours ago, CantSpell said:

Wife just broke up with me...

 

Apparently I am too handsome, to fantastic in the bed, giving her far too many orgasms, I am too charming and making far too much money....

 

She said something as well about my chronic lying but I did not hear all, I was too busy wrestling a bear..

 

I take it that you do realise that you would be a perfect specimen of the human race if you were not so modest.

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

Harry goes to he doctor's and sits in a queue between to other guys. They start talking and one admits to having a red ring round the top of his penis. Harry then admits that he too has a line round the top of his penis, but its green The third guy admits that his ring is orange.

The doctor calls in the first guy with the red ring leaving Harry and the other sufferer nervously awaiting their fate.

After a few minutes the guy re-appears with a big grin on his face. "Nothing to it, " he said.

The doctor reappeared and called the guy with the orange ring.

"So what happened," inquired Harry. "Piece of cake" the other guy replies. "The Doctor examined the problem, coated on some cream and after ten minutes told me to wash it all off. And that was it! The ring had gone!"

The other guy appears and starts to tell the same story and of the similar treatment just as the Doctor calls for Harry.

Harry wanders in, full of confidence, drops his trousers and asks where the cream is kept. The Doctor looks at Harry over the top of his glasses, picks up a wooden spatula, and proceeds to examine Harry's appendage with great concern. "I've got some bad news for you Harry," the Doctor pronounces, "we will have to amputate your penis as soon as possible!"

Harry sinks into a chair in disbelief and horror. "Can't you just give me the cream like you did for the other two guys. They've recovered OK."

"Well Harry," says the doc;

"There is all the difference in the world between removing lipstick and dealing with gangrene!"

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

 

Two Irishmen were in the bar, when one of them gasped,

"Oh my God here comes my wife and my mistress!"

"What a coincidence" exclaimed his friend.

 

"I was about to say the same thing."

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

 

Laurie fell for her handsome new dentist like a ton of bricks, and pretty soon had lured him into a series of passionate encounters in the dental clinic after hours.

But one day he said sadly,

"Laurie, honey, we’ve got to stop seeing each other. Your husband’s bound to get suspicious and this really has to be your last visit here."

"No way, sweetheart, he’s dumb as a post," she assured him. "Besides, we’ve been screwing for six months now and he doesn’t suspect a thing."

"True," agreed the dentist,

 

"but you’re down to one tooth."

[scottiejohn]

[owl sees all]

Interesting quotations:

 

"There is a number of mechanical devices which can increase a woman's sexual arousal. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz SL500."
Unknown

 

"It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."
George Burns

 

"Some women can fake orgasms but some can fake a whole relationship."
Sharon Stone

 

"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
Tiger Woods

 

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
Jack Nicholson

 

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks his car or where he lives, but he never forgets bad oral sex."
Barbara Bush

[owl sees all]

Robin Williams' quotations:

 

"The problem is that God gave men a brain and a penis but only enough blood to run one at a time."

 

"Ah, yes the word 'divorce', from the Latin meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
 

"Statistics prove that most American imports come from other countries."

Quoting G Bush.
 

"It wasn't the apple on the tree that got us humans into all this trouble. It was the pear on the grass."
 

"I say don't buy just one condom; buy two and be one jump ahead."
 

Edited October 25, 2017 by owl sees all

[owl sees all]

More interesting quotations:

 

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women."
"I think women are too judgmental, where, of course, men, are just grateful."
Robert De Niro

 

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to fruity condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So I say what's the problem?"
Dustin Hoffman

 

"It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom and who holds the cucumber."
Joan Rivers

 

"Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy."
Steve Martin

 

"You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for later in life."
Unknown

 

"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."
Oscar Wilde

Edited October 25, 2017 by owl sees all