Worst Joke Ever

[scottiejohn]

9 hours ago, faraday said:

 Why do nuns go everywhere in pairs?
 To make sure the other nun gets none.

I don't know, get none what?

 

10 hours ago, davetrout said:

?Why do you always see two nuns together.  A. One nun follows the other nun so she won't get none.

I am either having deja vu, second sight or somebody has a repeat key stuck.  Virtually identical posts in the space of one hour! and it is not even the same poster (we all know who I am thinking of but at least his repeats are his own and after a reasonable space of time apart!  Alzheimer's etc;-we forgive HIM for that!) but this pairing?!

Edited December 23, 2017 by scottiejohn

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

THEESE ARE FOR THE KID'S CRACKERS

 

What does Santa suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney?

Claustrophobia!

　

What kind of motorbike does Santa ride?                A Holly Davidson!

 

What do you call a cat in the desert?                       Sandy Claws!

 

What do you call a dog who works for Santa?        Santa Paws!

 

What do you get if you cross Santa with a detective?  Santa Clues!

 

What did the sea Say to Santa?                                   Nothing! It just waved!

 

What does Santa do with fat elves?                           He sends them to an Elf Farm!

 

What do you get if you cross Santa with a duck?   A Christmas Quacker!

　

What is Santa's favorite place to deliver presents  Idaho-ho-ho!

 

Why does Santa go down the chimney on Christmas Eve?

Because it 'soots' him!

 

Who is Santa's favorite singer?                                   Elf-is Presley!

 

What do you call Santa's little helpers?                     Subordinate clauses!

 

What do Santa's little helpers learn at school?        The elf-abet!

 

What did Santa say to the smoker?           Please don't smoke, it's bad for my elf!

 

Where does Santa go when he's sick?      To the elf center!

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

 

Lisa thanks her grandpa,

"Thank you Grandpa for the violin you gave me last year for Christmas. I've never got such a brilliant gift!"

"Really?" asks the surprised Grandpa.

Lisa says, "Oh yeah - every time I start playing, mom gives me 2 dollars so I would stop!"

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

 

A child one Christmas time asked for some paper and crayons in order to draw a crib.

Eventually the artistic masterpiece was displayed for parental approval.

The manger, the shepherds, Jesus, and the Holy Family were duly admired.

"But what's that in the corner?" asked mother.

"Oh, that's their Computer and TV," replied the child. "Same as I want delivered on Christmas Day".

[scottiejohn]

[Andrew Dwyer]

[Andrew Dwyer]

[Ron19]

The Pope had just finished a tour and was taking a limousine to the airport. Having never driven a limo, he asked to the driver if he could drive for awhile. Well, the driver didn’t have much of a choice, so he climbs in the back of the limousine and the Pope takes the wheel.

The Pope proceeds onto highway and starts accelerating to see what the limo could do. He gets to about 100 mph, and suddenly he sees the blue-red lights of the Traffic Police in his mirror.

He pulls over and the police officer comes to his window. The officer, seeing who it was, says, “Just a moment please, I need to call in.”

The police calls in and asks for the chief. He tells the chief that he’s got a really important person pulled over, and how to handle it.

“It’s not Edward Kennedy again is it?” replies the chief.

“No Sir!” responded the police, “This guy is more important.”

“Is it the Governor?” replied the chief.

“No! Even more important!” replies the officer.

“Is it the Mr.President? replied the chief.

“No! Even more important!” replies the police officer.

“Well.Who is this guy?”screams the chief.

“I don’t know Sir” replies the police officer.“But he’s got the Pope as his chauffeur.”

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

Which famous playwright was terrified of Christmas??

Noël Coward!

　

What did the stamp say to the Christmas card?

Stick with me and we'll go places!

 

Why did no one bid for Rudolph and Blitzen on eBay?

Because they were two deer!

 

What does the Queen call her Christmas Broadcast?      The One Show!

 

What did Father Christmas do when he went speed dating?

He pulled a real cracker with loads of fun in her!

 

Why don't you ever see Father Christmas in a public hospital?

Because he has private elf care!

 

How did Mary and Joseph know that Jesus was 7lb 6oz when he was born?

They had a weigh in in a manger!

 

Why is it getting harder to buy Advent calendars?

Because their days are numbered!　

　

For our next Christmas dinner I'm going to cross a turkey with an octopus.

What on earth for?  So we can all have a leg each.

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

 

This woman walks into a tattoo parlour and asks for a tattoo of a Christmas tree on her right inner thigh and a cocktail drink on her left inner thigh.

The tattoo artist say that’s an unusual request.

"Why do you want two tattoos there?"

So she says

"Because my husband needs to eat between Christmas and New Year’s Day

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

James and Neil were fortunate enough to have a season ticket to watch Manchester United.

They could not help noticing that there was always a spare seat next (A16) to them and they had a friend who would love to buy a season ticket, especially if all three could have seats together.

One half-time Neil went to the ticket office and asked if they could buy the season ticket for A16. The official said that unfortunately the ticket had been sold. Nevertheless, week after week the seat was still empty. Then on Boxing day, much to James and Neil's amazement the seat was taken for the first time that season. Neil could not resist asking the newcomer,

'Where have you been all season'.

'Don't ask' he said,

 

'My lovely, but blonde, wife bought the season ticket back last summer, and kept it as a surprise Christmas present for me.'

Edited December 24, 2017 by scottiejohn

[scottiejohn]

[fasteddie]

[fasteddie]

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?

Frostbite!

What do snowmen wear on their heads?

Ice caps!

　

　

What do snowmen eat for lunch?                                        Iceburgers!

 

When is a boat just like snow?                                            When its adrift!

 

What song do you sing at a snowman's birthday party?

Freeze a jolly good fellow!

　

What did one snowman say to the other?

It was a silent night so I couldn't hear them, so I have snow-idea!

　

Why was the snowman rummaging in the bag of carrots?

He was picking his nose!

　

How does Christmas Day end?

With the letter 'Y'!

　

What is the worst disease that you get at Christmas? Excemas!

　

What's green, covered in tinsel and goes 'ribbet ribbet'?

A Mistle-toad!

[scottiejohn]

[faraday]

 

One day Jock bought a bottle of fine whiskey and while walking home he fell. Getting up he felt something wet on his pants. He looked up at the sky and said,”Oh lord, please I beg you, let it be blood!”

[scottiejohn]

What do crackers, fruitcake and nuts remind me of?   You!

 

What's the best thing to put into a Christmas Cake?    Your teeth!

 

What do you get if you cross a bell with a skunk?         Jingle Smells!

 

Where would you find chili beans?                                    At the north pole!

 

Why is everyone so thirsty at the north pole?                 No well, no well!

 

Why don't penguins fly?  

Because they're not tall enough to be pilots!

 

What do sheep say at Christmas?

Wool-tide Bleatings! or A Merry Christmas to Ewe!

　

What's green, covered in tinsel and goes ribbet ribbet?

Mistle-toad!

 

Which football team did the baby Jesus support?

Manger-ster United!

[scottiejohn]

31 minutes ago, faraday said:

 

One day Jock bought a bottle of fine whiskey and while walking home he fell. Getting up he felt something wet on his pants. He looked up at the sky and said,”Oh lord, please I beg you, let it be blood!”

I represent that remark - especially as a Scot and the fact that I have done the same thing.

[faraday]

1 hour ago, scottiejohn said:

I represent that remark - especially as a Scot and the fact that I have done the same thing.

Ok, I'll make a joke about the English.

 

An Englishman went into a hardware store and asked to buy a sink.
'Would you like one with a plug?' asked the assistant.
'Don't tell me they've gone electric,' said the Englishman.

[scottiejohn]

48 minutes ago, faraday said:

Ok, I'll make a joke about the English.

 

An Englishman went into a hardware store and asked to buy a sink.
'Would you like one with a plug?' asked the assistant.
'Don't tell me they've gone electric,' said the Englishman.

"But I don't have any electric" said the Irishman.  "Where do I put the plug? " He said with a sinking feeling whilst looking over his shoulder at the gay looking young male "server".

 

Lets "plug" away at this series! (but give me no but(t)s!)

Edited December 25, 2017 by scottiejohn
added the but(t)s

[faraday]

2 hours ago, scottiejohn said:

"But I don't have any electric" said the Irishman.  "Where do I put the plug? " He said with a sinking feeling whilst looking over his shoulder at the gay looking young male "server".

 

Lets "plug" away at this series! (but give me no but(t)s!)

Their names were:

 

Ben Down & Phil Mc avity.

 

Yup, I know it's an old joke.