How do you confuse an Irishman?

 

Put three shovels against the wall, & ask him to take his pick.

15 minutes ago, faraday said:

Their names were:

 

Ben Down & Phil Mc avity.

 

Yup, I know it's an old joke.

No it was Patrick FitzGerald and Gerald Fitzpatrick who were the mixed up couple, but who cares?  They each appeared to each other to be happy at the end of it!

 

Come again please.  Anyone else who wants to Plug away at the Butt end of the season's jokes!

 

Go on, groan;  I make these up on the hoof as the old cow said.

13 minutes ago, faraday said:

How do you confuse an Irishman?

 

Put three shovels against the wall, & ask him to take his pick.

Surely wouldn't one shovel be enough begorra?

If there were more than one , what would he lean against whilst making his choice

 

Ok! Just take your pick for the best answer and I will shovel in some more puns..

Wales....where men are men....

 

& Sheep are nervous.

New Zealand is best for this activity.

13 hours ago, superglue said:

New Zealand is best for this activity.

Now don't be sheepish, tell us how ewe know this to be true, or are ewe just pulling the wool over our eyes?

On 12/25/2017 at 6:23 PM, faraday said:

Their names were:

 

Ben Down & Phil Mc avity.

 

Dentists? :)

39 minutes ago, CantSpell said:

 

Dentists? :)

No they were no very good at their jobs, they were bum miners.

I am not being anti gay, it 's just too good an opening to miss!

2 hours ago, scottiejohn said:

I am not being anti gay, it 's just too good an opening to miss!

And Phil said: "I am not gay, he is..." 

27 minutes ago, CantSpell said:

And Phil said: "I am not gay, he is..." 

Of course I'm not gay, but my boyfriend is and I know he wouldn't cheat on me!

 

Seriously;  I am not being homophobic etc,  just poking fun at an easy target!

 

The alternative caption to the above is

"Texas Toilet Paper"

How do you know when the wife has left you? The sex is the same but the dishes are piling up.

How do you get a fat chick into bed? Piece of cake!

2 hours ago, davetrout said:

How do you get a fat chick into bed? Piece of cake!

I though chicks liked corn not cake.

If the chick is that fat have you tried a ladder.

 

An Irish Girl comes back to her old home for New Year's Eve.

Her father angrily asked, "Where have you been all this time?

Why did you not write to us, not even a line?

Why didn't you call?"

The girl crying replied, "Dad, I became a prostitute."

"Whaaa!!? Out of here you shameless harlot! You're a disgrace to this family."

"OK, daddy. I'm sorry I seem to have let you down but If that’s your wish so be it. Before I go I just want to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for £4 million."

"For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for you daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club and an invitation for you all to spend a fun New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and..."

"Now what was it ye said you had become, again?" says dad.

Girl, crying again, "A prostitute dad!"

"Oh! You scared me half to death, girl!

 

 

 

I thought you said a Protestant.

Come here and give your old man a hug!"

New Year’s Dream

 

Jenna was taking an afternoon nap on New Year's Eve before the festivities.

After she woke up, she confided to Dave, her husband,

"I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond ring for a New Year's present. What do you think it all means?"

"Aha, you'll know tonight," answered Dave .

At midnight, as the New Year bells were chiming, Dave approached Jenna and handed her a small beautifully packaged box all tied up with ribbons etc..

Delighted and excited she opened it quickly.

There in her hand rested a tiny little book entitled.

 

"The meaning of dreams."

 

His ears are still ringing from the thump she gave him.

A New Year’s resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other. It’s about having a good year!

 

My new year’s resolution is to be more optimistic by keeping my cup half-full with either rum, vodka, or whiskey.

 

New Years Eve is the only acceptable time to wear body glitter without being mistaken for a stripper.

 

 

For the Elderly;

 

God, grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,

The good fortune to run into the ones that I do,

And the eyesight to tell the difference.

Happy Gnu Year!

A man walks into a bar with an ostrich and a cat and sits at the bar. The bartender walks over to them and says, “What can I get for you?”

The man says “I’ll have a beer”, the ostrich says, “I’ll have a beer”, and the cat says, “I’ll have half a beer and I’m not buying.” So the bartender says, “OK, that will be $3.87.”

The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him. About an hour later the bartender goes back over to them and says, “What’ll you guys have?”

The man says, “I’ll have a beer”, the ostrich says, “I’ll have a beer”, and the cat says “I’ll have half a beer and I’m not buying.” The bartender gets them their beer and says “That’ll be $3.87.”

The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him. A couple of days later they come back into the bar and the bartender walks over and asks “What do you guys want today?”

The man says, “I’ll have a scotch”, the ostrich says, “I’ll have a bourbon”, and the cat says, “I’ll have half a beer and I’m not buying.” So the bartender says “OK, that will be $7.53.” The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him.

The bartender’s curiosity got the best of him and he asks, “Why is it that every time I tell you the amount you owe you always have the exact change in you pocket?”

The man said, “I found a bottle with a genie in it and she granted me 3 wishes. My first wish was that I always have the exact change in my pocket for anything I buy.”

The bartender says, “That’s a great wish…better than asking for a million dollars. A million dollars will run out but that never will. What were your other 2 wishes?”

The man says, “That’s where I screwed up. I asked for a chick with long legs and a tight p.ssy.”

 

The wife and I were sitting around the breakfast table one lazy Sunday morning.

I said to her, "If I were to die suddenly: I want you to immediately sell all my stuff."

Now why would you want me to do something like that?" she asked.

I figure that you would eventually remarry and I don't want some other a*shole using my stuff."

She looked at me and said:

 

 

 

"What makes you think I'd marry another a*shole?"

A lonely woman buys a parrot for companionship.

After a week the parrot hasn’t uttered a word, so the woman goes back to the pet store and buys it a mirror.

Nothing.

The next week, she brings home a little ladder.

Polly is still incommunicado, so the week after that, she gives it a swing, which elicits not a peep.

A week later she finds the parrot on the floor of its cage, dying.

Summoning up its last breath, the bird whispers,

 

 

"Don’t they have any food at that pet store?"

 

What’s round and bad tempered?  

A vicious circle

 

What do you call a woman who stands between two goal posts?  

Annette

 

What has four legs but can’t walk?                                                         

A table

　

What do frogs wear on their feet?                                           

Open toad sandals

 

What do you call a train loaded with toffee?                         

A chew chew train

　

What’s a horse’s favourite TV show?                                     

Neighbours

 

Why did the pony have to gargle?                                    

Because it was a little horse

 

When do vampires like racing?                                           

When it’s neck and neck

　

What's red and bad for your teeth?                                    

A brick.