Worst Joke Ever

[scottiejohn]

[owl sees all]

[scottiejohn]

1 hour ago, owl sees all said:

They look a right bunch of "coconuts"!  (oops I can't spell c***&)

[Ron19]

A little boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, ‘This is the most foolish child in the world. Watch me.I prove it to you.’

The barber puts a dollar banknote in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, ‘Which do you want, son?’ The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

‘What did I tell you?’ said the barber. ‘That child never learns!’ Two hours later the customer sees the same young boy coming out of the candy shop.

‘Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar banknote?’ The boy licked his candy and replied, ‘Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!’

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

Random thoughts of the day!!

Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it FedUP?

I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions!

If the pen is mightier than the sword, then in a duel I'll let you have the pen!

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Can you plan to be spontaneous tomorrow?

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments!

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something!

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have!

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark!

Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, "what for?"

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

 

A guy goes into a clock repair business, browses the inventory and moseys up to the cute sales girl at the counter.

He looks round, makes sure they are alone and suddenly pulls down his pants, pulls his meat out of his drawers and slaps it on the counter.

The salesgirl gazes at his impressive equipment and informs him of the probable confusion.

"Sir. I am shocked.  This is a CLOCK shop."

"I know," he said.

 

"I was just hoping you could put two hands and a face on this for me."

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

Peekaboo MacMegabucks, the Scottish Billionaire's daughter, and  Winter Olympic Gold medal winning skier, was hospitalized after careening off coarse at the downhill in South Korea early last week. She was rushed to the local Hospital ICU where her recovery from head Injuries, broken ribs, bruising, lacerations and torn ligaments et al was near instantaneous and miraculous.

 

To show her gratitude to the hospital staff that treated her so well, especially in such a far away country, she donated money, to add a wing to the medical centre provided it was named in her honour.  They gratefully accepted, but probably the name of the new Intensive Care Unit did not translate easily into Korean.

 

 

It's called ‘The Peekaboo I.C.U.'

 

[scottiejohn]

[riceyummm]

[riceyummm]

[riceyummm]

[riceyummm]

[riceyummm]

[riceyummm]

[riceyummm]

[riceyummm]

[laislica]

Proper Organic Farming!

 

 

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

 

"Fore!" Jason looks too late to see what 's coming.

Bam! He gets nailed with a golf ball. Doubled over in pain, cupping his hands together to his crotch, the pretty young lady that hit it offers her help.

She unzips his pants and rubs his penis and balls.

After a minute she asks,

"There, does that feel better?"

 

 

"Yeah, but my thumb still hurts like hell!"

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

 

An old Jewish vagabond goes into a whorehouse in New York on a Sunday night and asked to see Katarina. The madam says Katarina is unavailable at the moment but if he'd like to choose from some of the other girls, they might be more within his price range. "No, I'll wait," says the man. "Sir, Katarina is one thousand dollars for the hour. These girls might be more suitable for you." The man pulls out a wad of cash and counts out ten, hundred dollar bills. The Madam calls Katarina down and she takes him upstairs.

An hour later he happily leaves.

He comes back the next night still wearing the same clothes and asked for Katarina again. The madam insists that she is still a thousand dollars. "That's okay." He then peels off ten one hundreds. Katarina takes him upstairs and then an hour later he leaves happy.

He returns again and again for 7 nights still wearing those beat up old clothes and makes the same request. As Katarina is helping him put on his dirty old trench coat upon completion of the deed on the 7^th night, she says to the man, "I've never had a customer come back more than three nights in a row not less seven. You're very intriguing to me. Where are you from?"

"Minsk," the man replies. "Minsk? Russia?"

Katarina reaffirms. "My sister lives in Minsk."

"Yeah, Nichola," the man says. "You know my sister?"

 

"Sure," the man says. "She said make sure you get in contact with my sister Katarina and give her this"

 

"And she gave me the seven grand I've just paid you."

Edited February 22, 2018 by scottiejohn

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

Kelly was out ploughing his field in Ireland. After overturning a rock, a leprechaun climbed out of the hole and started running towards the woods. Kelly jumped down and chased after him. He caught him just before he made it to the trees. "Let me go! Let me go!" shouted the leprechaun. "Not until you grant me my three wishes," The farmer replied.

"Okay, just put me down!" Kelly put him down and demanded something he always wanted. "I want a never ending bottle of beer. Make it a Guinness!" "Fine," said the leprechaun.

He reached into his little green vest and pulled out a bottle of Guinness. The Irishman opened it and took a big gulp. It filled right back up. Kelly took another big swig and it filled right back up. The farmer drank the whole bottle and it filled right back to the top.

"Alright, alright. You have two more wishes. What else do you want?"

Kelly thought for a moment.

Held up the bottle and said,

 

 

"Give me two more of these!"

[scottiejohn]

And you were expecting an answer with eight in it, weren't you?

Edited February 22, 2018 by scottiejohn

[laislica]

[laislica]

At the Barbers.

Barack Obama and Donald Trump somehow ended up at the same barber shop, can you just imagine…
As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken.

The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn nasty.

As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave.

 

The Donald was quick to stop him, jokingly saying, "No thanks. My wife, Melania, will smell that and think I've been in a brothel.”

 

The second barber turned to Barack and said, "How about you, Mr. Obama ?”

 

Barack replied, "Go right ahead My wife, Michelle, doesn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like"

[riceyummm]