Worst Joke Ever

[superal]

NO  SEX Since 1955

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a  local liberal arts college. 

There  was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of  whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
    

"Excuse  me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something  bothering you?"

"Negative,  ma'am. Just serious by nature."
 
The  young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you  have seen a lot of action."
    
"Yes,  ma'am, a lot of action."
 
The  young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you  should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself."
    
The  Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
    
Finally  the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but  when is the last time you had sex?"
    
"1955,  ma'am."
    
"Well,  there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I  mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where  she proceeded to "relax" him several times.
    
Afterwards,  panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."
 
    
The  Sergeant Major said, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130  now."

    
 (Gotta  love military time)

[superal]

 The bad headache

 

 

 

 

 

The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.

 

You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.' 

 

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for.He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. 

 

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit.' 

 

He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.' 

 

The elderly tailor eye d him briefly and said, 'Let's see... size 44 long.' 

 

Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?' 

 

'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said. 

 

Joe tried on the suit it fit perfectly. 

 

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?' 

 

Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.' 

 

The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.' 

 

Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?' 

 

'Been in the business 60 years..' 

 

Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly. 

 

Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?' 

 

Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.' 

 

The salesman said, 'Let's see... size 36. 

 

Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you!I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.' 

 

The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'

[CantSpell]

[scottiejohn]

[superal]

7 minutes ago, scottiejohn said:

Now that is a CRACKER 

[scottiejohn]

HOW TO COMPOSE, WRITE, AND PRODUCE THE LEAST, MINAMILST, SMALLEST AND CONCISE MEASSAGE, INSTRUCTION AND GUIDLINE.

1. Avoid Alliteration. Always, always never never ever repeat yourself.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.

3. Avoid clichés like the plague. They're old hat and go down like a lead ballon on the Titanic.
4. Comparisons are as bad as clichés especially when compared to others. 
5. Be more or less specific without any details unless of course you have no facts, or too many specifics to back up your lack of facts.
6. Writers should never generalize except when they are not making a general point., generally
Seven: Be consistent!
8. Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous, unless you annotate, index, list and put everything in it's proper order or just leave dotted around them.
9. Who needs rhetorical questions any more than the other person?
10. Exaggeration is a million times worse than all of the above other than understatement which is of course billions of times even more worse.

[scottiejohn]

5 minutes ago, superal said:

Now that is a CRACKER 

If she had been a cracker the men might have found the G-Spot.

Keep them coming they tickle my fancy (or someone's!)

[scottiejohn]

A couple was on their honeymoon, ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to her husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

 The husband replies, "That's no big thing this day and age."

 The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."

 "Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

 "Tiger Woods."

 "Tiger Woods, the golfer?"

 "Yeah."

 "Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed  with him."

 The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

 "What are you doing?" asks the wife.

 The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."

 "Tiger wouldn't do that."

 "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

 "He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

 The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love to his wife a second time.

 When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.

 "Now what are you doing?" she asks.

 "I'm still hungry, so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."

 "Tiger wouldn't do that."

 "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

 "He'd come back to bed and do it again."

 The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love to his wife a third time.

 When they finish, he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

 The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

 

 

 

 "No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what's par for this damn hole."

[scottiejohn]

I KEEP HAVING TO TELL PEOPLE I WOULD BE PERFECT IF I WAS NOT SO MODEST!!

[scottiejohn]

TOP TEN REASONS TO GO TO WORK NAKED...

 1. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!"

 2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.

 3. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."

 4. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.

 5. You want to see if it's like the dream.

 6. So that with a little help from Facebook you can add "Exotic Dancer" to your exaggerated status.

 7. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.

 8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.

 9. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.

 10. No one steals your chair.
 

[scottiejohn]

[tifino]

 

... on a round of Golf...

 

heading down the back Nine, and me next shot, it goes way outOOB over the back paddock fence.

 

there's a heap of cows munching, and a number of golfers also searching for their wayward ball(s)

 

so I join them in my own quest...

 

I had a bit of success, a bit too much, as it seems I am finding everyone else's instead!

 

anyhows I keep on going, and find I am running out of hidey places that me ball coulda' gone

 

I am so out of choices, that I'm thinking that old saying, about when you run out of likely, then the unlikely will be your answer

 

by and by, there is now only me, and this other biggish old lady golfer having out of luck...

 

the unlikely...hmmm

 

oh no! it couldn't, surely?!!!

 

... I go over to one of the cows and lift it's tail... and voila! a ball is lodged in there

 

I follow the rules, about not affecting the lie of the ball, but I can make out the number, that it isn't my ball

 

 

So, being the gentleman thatI am, I think help the old lady, and call her over...

 

I lift the tail, and pointing... " does this look like yours?"

 

 

...ungrateful lady punches me in the mouth

 

[superal]

Italian Lover The Italian Lover, a virile middle aged Italian gentleman named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blond woman. Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless. After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?"   She paused for a second, frowned, and replied. "No."   Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ended and, again, Guido smiled and asked, "You finish?" Again, after a short pause, she returned his smile, cuddled closer to him and softly said, "No." Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reached for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely managed it, but they ended together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. Exhausted, Guido fell onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looked into her eyes, smiled proudly and asked again, "You finish?"     Barely able to speak, the beautiful blond whispered in his ear      "No, I Norwegian."

[superal]

Letter to Agony Aunt 

 

Dear Deirdre ,

 

                     I was up in my bedroom yesterday when I looked down to the back garden and spotted the  next door

 

neighbors sixteen year old daughter sun bathing naked .

 

Well I became aroused  as most other guys would and one thing led to another and I decided to relieve myself  of the

 

sexual frustration .  All over in a couple of minutes  and as I turned away from the window , out of the corner of my eye

 

stood my wife staring at me in disgust with her arms folded having watched me enjoying myself. 

 

 

The question I have to ask you Deidre is do you think my wife is perverted ? 

[superal]

[superal]

 A man in Tennessee wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow

 

pages, and sure enough, there's an ad for "Tennessee Bear Removers."

 

He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes. The bear remover

 

arrives, and gets out of his van.

 

He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a 12-gauge shotgun, and a mean old pit bull.

 

"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks...

 

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there, and knock the

 

bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off the roof, the pit bull is trained to

 

grab testicles, and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the

 

cage in the back of the van."

 

He then hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

 

"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

 

"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."

[billd766]

2 hours ago, superal said:

Now that is a CRACKER 

 

It's the way he tells 'em.

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

 

 

1 hour ago, superal said:

The question I have to ask you Deidre is do you think my wife is perverted ? 

Dear Deirdre, 

The other day I set off for work, leaving my husband in the house watching TV as usual. 

I hadn't gone a hundred yards down the road when my engine conked out and the car juddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husbands help. When I got home I found him in front of the  window doing "self sex" and gazing lustily out of the window until he climaxed all over my best front chair. 

I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for 12 years. When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he had only done this for the first time in front of the window. I asked him again about this disgusting habit. He eventually broke down and admitted that he was too tired and had done nothing else for six months. I told him it had to stop, or I would leave him. 

He was made redundant from his job six months ago, and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum, he has become increasingly distant, and I don't feel I can get through to him any more. Please can you help ? 

Mrs  Superal

 

Deirdrie replies ..... 

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults in the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburettor float chamber. 

Ask Mr Spillingitall if he can give you a hand with the lack of injection instead of his usual laid back and one off practices and see if he can come to your aid in place of his present selfless self sacrifices and pleasures.

 

Deirdrie

[superal]

2 hours ago, scottiejohn said:

 

 

Dear Deirdre, 

The other day I set off for work, leaving my husband in the house watching TV as usual. 

I hadn't gone a hundred yards down the road when my engine conked out and the car juddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husbands help. When I got home I found him in front of the  window doing "self sex" and gazing lustily out of the window until he climaxed all over my best front chair. 

I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for 12 years. When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he had only done this for the first time in front of the window. I asked him again about this disgusting habit. He eventually broke down and admitted that he was too tired and had done nothing else for six months. I told him it had to stop, or I would leave him. 

He was made redundant from his job six months ago, and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum, he has become increasingly distant, and I don't feel I can get through to him any more. Please can you help ? 

Mrs  Superal

 

Deirdrie replies ..... 

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults in the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburettor float chamber. 

Ask Mr Spillingitall if he can give you a hand with the lack of injection instead of his usual laid back and one off practices and see if he can come to your aid in place of his present selfless self sacrifices and pleasures.

 

Deirdrie

Gonna get you back for that  555555555

[superal]

A man takes his seat at a FIFA world cup final.

He looks to his left & notices that there is a spare seat betwen himself & the next guy.

MAN: "who would ever miss the FIFA world cup final?"

GUY: "that was my wife's seat. We have been to the last five world cup finals together, but sadly she passed away."

MAN: "oh... that's terrible, and very sweet of you to have her here symbolically by having a vacant seat .. ..but these are expensive tickets;  couldn't you have brought another family member, friend or someone else with you?"

GUY: "no...they are all at her funeral!"

[scottiejohn]

10 hours ago, superal said:

Gonna get you back for that  555555555

Sorry if I took a liberty or two with your name, I just could not resist the temptation.

I look forward to your response and carefully guarding my back!

[scottiejohn]

10 hours ago, superal said:

they are all at her funeral!

Just be cause she caught you 'Red Handed' coming and going all over the room was no reason to murder her.

 

PS I am getting my revenge in first!

 

?

[superal]

One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became apparent that 
we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. 

Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. 
Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him that I would 
be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the 
odour of baked beans was more than I could stand. 

With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time 
I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed 
three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I released 
all the gas. 

Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly: 
'Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight.' 

He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat 
and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me 
promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the 
call. 

The baked beans I had consumed were still  affecting me and the pressure was 
becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the 
opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go (Putt, Putt - loud 
noise in DTS) . It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck 
running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap 
and fanned the air around me vigorously. 

Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse 
than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the 
other room, I went on like this for another few minutes. 





The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells 
signalled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with 
my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very 
relieved and pleased with myself. 

My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, 
apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peeked through the 
blindfold, and I assured him I had not. 

At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around 
the table chorused: 'Happy Birthday!' 

I fainted!

[superal]

GOTTA PEE  Two women friends had gone for a girls' night out.  Both were very faithful and loving wives, however They had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi  Breezers.  Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to  Pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.  One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought  She would take off her panties and use them.  Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive  Pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.  She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave  That had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she  Proceeded to wipe with that.  After the girls did their business, they proceeded to  Go home.  The next day, the husband of one of the women was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, So he phoned the other husband and said:  "These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!"  "That's nothing," said the other husband,  "Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said.....   'From all of us at the Fire Station.  We'll never forget you.'"

[superal]

I was standing in a bar in town yesterday and this little Chinese guy comes in, stands next to me and starts drinking a beer.

I said to him, "Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-<deleted>, Karate or Ju-Jitsu?"

 

He says "No, why the fluck you ask me dat, is it coz I Chinee"?

 

"No", I said, "It's because you're drinking my beer you little plick "

[scottiejohn]

[superal]

Paddy decides to take up boxing and goes for the required
 medical. A few days later the doctor ‘phones and says
 “Paddy, you realise you’ve got sugar diabetes.”
 
 Paddy says, “Nice one, when do I fight him?”
 …………………………………….
 It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Cokey.
 But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
 ………………………………..
……………………………………

 
 Little boy gets home from school and says "Dad, I've got a
 part in the school play as a man who's been married for 25
 years."
 
 His Dad replies "Never mind Son. Maybe next time you'll get
 a speaking part!!"

[scottiejohn]

[superal]

Prescription  Drugs  and  Side Effects

A woman asks her husband Scottiejohn at breakfast time, "Darling, would you like some bacon and eggs on toast and some juice and coffee?"

"Thanks for asking, Honey,” he replies, “But I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra, it's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunchtime, she asks him, "How about a bowl of soup with homemade muffins, Sweetheart, or a toasted ham and cheese sandwich?"

He declines again, "Sorry, Sweetie, this Viagra stuff really trashes my appetite."

Come dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat, "Darling, how about a juicy rib eye steak and some fresh apple pie and ice cream?"

"No thanks, Love," he declines again, "It's got to be the Viagra. I'm just not hungry."

"Well," she says, "Would you mind letting me up? I'm bloody starving!”