Norman, an old retired sailor, puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more, for old times sake and some hot

 

sex. He engages a lovely prostitute and takes her up to a room. He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but

 

needing some reassurance, he asks, 'How am I doing?' The prostitute replies, 'Well Norman, ya old sailor, you're doing about

 

three knots.' 'Three knots ?' he asks. ' What's that supposed to mean?' She says,'You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're

 

knot getting your money back.'???
 

"As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home.
In Glasgow , there's a wee place called McTavish's....
The landlord goes out of his way for the locals.
When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London ,
the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said Paddy Sheehan, the Irishman. "Back home in me
favorite pub in Galway , the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink,
then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks,
they'll take you upstairs and see dat you get laid, all on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims.
"Did this actually happen to you?"

"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times
 

They give me the hump as well!

There were three guys all in "Special School": an Asian boy, a Spanish boy and a redneck. They were trying to think of games to play at recess when the Asian boy got an idea. "I know," he said, "we can play, ‘Who's Got the Biggest Pee Pee’". "How do you play that?" asked the redneck.

 "It's easy'' said the Spanish boy, "we can play it next recess."

 So when recess time came, the three boys went outside. "Alright," said the Spanish boy, "Lets play."

 The Asian boy explained that all you have to do is pull down your pants and whoever has the biggest pee pee is the winner. And so the Asian boy pulled down his pants and the other two boys were impressed. Then the Spanish boy pulled down his pants. His pee pee was about the same size as the Asian boy's. As the redneck boy pulled his pants down, the other two boys stared in awe.

 "You win for sure," they both said.

 Later that day the redneck boy went home and his mother asked him, "So did you make any new friends today at that new School?"

 "Yup. I played this game called ‘Who's Got the Biggest Pee Pee’ and the other boys said I won because I'm a redneck."

 His mother stifled her laugh and replied, 

 

"No sweetie, you won because you're 18 and they are 11." 

On a plane bound for New York the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she move back to the coach section since she did not have a first class ticket.

 The blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm very rich, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving."
 Not wanting to argue with a customer, the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the woman asking her to please move out of the first class section. Again, the blonde replied  I'm not moving."

 The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he should do. The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this."
 He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde's ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the coach section mumbling to herself, "Why didn't anyone just say so."
 Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat.

 

 

 The pilot replied, "I told her the first class section wasn't going to New York." 
 

So much for smart lights!

A Beach Story

A widowed Jewish lady, still in good shape, was sunbathing on a deserted
beach in Boca Raton, Florida. 

She looked up and noticed that a man her age, also in good shape, had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand near hers and began reading a book. Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. 

"How are you today?" 

"Fine, thank you," 

he responded, and turned back to his book. 

"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked. 
 
"First time since my wife passed away two years ago," he replied and turned
back to his book. 
 
"I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago and it is very lonely, she countered. 

"Do you live around here?" She asked. 
 
"Yes, I live over in Coral Springs," he answered, and again he resumed
reading. 
 
Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted, "Do you like pussy cats?" 
 
With that, the man dropped his book, came over to her blanket, tore off her
swimsuit and gave her the most passionate lovemaking of her life. 
 
When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man, 
"How did you know that was what I wanted?"
 
The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"
???

Famous Alien saying:

 

"We just traveled 10,000 light years, this planet seems to have intelligent life form. Let's make some circles in their crop fields and go back home"

A true story about a man who drank a lot and his wife said if you ever come home drunk again, I shall leave you.

Well he went to the pub and drank a lot and threw up all over himself.

He said to his friend, my wife said if I ever come home drunk again, she will leave me, what shall I do?

 

His friend said, why don’t you say that someone else threw up over you and gave you a 20 pound note for the dry cleaning bill.

So the man went home and explained this to his wife.

She asked him why he had two 20 pound notes in his hand and the man said,

Oh, that’s from the other man who shat in my pants.

How I lost my teeth

I was in the Western Bar and Grill last night sitting at the bar waiting for a beer when a butt-ugly, big old heifer of a girl came waddling up behind me and slapped me on the butt.

She said, "Hey sexy, how about giving me your number.”

I looked at her and said, "Have you got a pen."
She said, “I sure do.“

 

 

I said, "Well, you better get back in it before  farmer notices you're missing."

My dental surgery is this Friday.
 

Edited June 9, 20188 yr by scottiejohn

Logic test!

You are in a car at moving at a constant speed. On your left side is a drop-off, and on your right side is a fire engine travelling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping horse, which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a galloping zebra. Both the horse and zebra are also travelling at the same speed as you. 

Q. What must you do to safely get out of this situation?

 

 

A: Get your drunken-ass off the merry-go-round and let the kids get on. 

Edited June 9, 20188 yr by scottiejohn

NO  SEX Since 1955

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a  local liberal arts college. 

There  was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of  whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
    

"Excuse  me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something  bothering you?"

"Negative,  ma'am. Just serious by nature."
 
The  young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you  have seen a lot of action."
    
"Yes,  ma'am, a lot of action."
 
The  young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you  should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself."
    
The  Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
    
Finally  the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but  when is the last time you had sex?"
    
"1955,  ma'am."
    
"Well,  there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I  mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where  she proceeded to "relax" him several times.
    
Afterwards,  panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."
 
    
The  Sergeant Major said, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130  now."

    
 (Gotta  love military time)

 The bad headache

 

 

 

 

 

The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.

 

You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.' 

 

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for.He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. 

 

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit.' 

 

He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.' 

 

The elderly tailor eye d him briefly and said, 'Let's see... size 44 long.' 

 

Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?' 

 

'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said. 

 

Joe tried on the suit it fit perfectly. 

 

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?' 

 

Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.' 

 

The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.' 

 

Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?' 

 

'Been in the business 60 years..' 

 

Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly. 

 

Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?' 

 

Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.' 

 

The salesman said, 'Let's see... size 36. 

 

Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you!I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.' 

 

The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'