Daughter(reading a book): What does gays mean?

Mother: Well you know mum and dad love each other - two men can love each other the same way

Daughter: So what's penetrating gays?

Mother: Er... Let me have a look at that book. 

She reads the line - "She stared at him with a penetrating gaze"

Mother: Oh, gaze.

Stereotypes.

A tiny bit racist but still funny (I hope).

 

Q: How do you know if a Chinese tried to rob your house?

A: You get home and your maths homework is done, your computer is upgraded, and two hours later He is still trying to back out of your driveway.

 

Ex Con: I Just got out of prison after attacking a man on New years eve. Excuse me for getting nervous while an Arab was counting down from ten.

 

Q: Why are redneck murders the hardest to solve?

A: All the DNA matches and there's no dental records.

 

When you see a white man in a US prison? - At least you know that he actually did it.

10 hours ago, chickenslegs said:

After that little lot, poplar opinion is that yew should be birched, or made to walk the plank.

I should really seek-a-more useful way to spend my time.

I think we should leaf your family tree out of this but I think it must be more of a "Forrest Stump" than a "Forrest Gump" branch, although there was a grain of truth in your comments.

PS; did you pirate the "walking the plank" comment or did you just twig it?

14 hours ago, chickenslegs said:

Daughter: So what's penetrating gays?

Mother: Er... Let me have a look at that book. 

She reads the line - "She stared at him with a penetrating gaze"

Mother: Oh, gaze.

Good tip

Now when the kids ask me what something means I always ask in what sentence.

 

Not falling in that trap again. 

Why was the rabbit so unhappy?
He was having a bad hare day.

How do you catch a squirrel?
Climb a tree and act like a nut.

 

 How did the tree feel after the beaver left?
 Gnawed so good.

 
 What did the baby porcupine say to the cactus?
 “Is that you, Mommy?”

 

What type of shoes do bears wear?
None. They go bear foot.

What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.

 What do you get when you cross a mountain lion with a parrot?
I don’t know, but when it talks, you’d better listen!

 Why was the cat so small?
Because it drank only condensed milk!

Should I send this to a certain President?

 

One day, a cat died of natural causes and went to heaven.

There he met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter said to the cat, “You have lived a good life, and if there is any way I can make your stay in heaven more comfortable, please let me know.”
 The cat thought for a moment and said, “All my life I have lived with a poor family and have had to sleep on a hard wooden floor and hunt for food all day.”
 “Say no more,” Saint Peter replied, and poof! A wonderful, fluffy pillow appeared.
 A few days later, a crate of sixty mice heading to the test labs were killed in a tragic road accident and went to heaven. Again there was Saint Peter to greet them with the same offer. The mice answered, “All of our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs, and even women with brooms. We are tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so that we don’t have to run anymore?” Instantly each mouse was fitted with a beautiful double pair of roller skates.

 About a week later, Saint Peter stopped by to see the cat and found him snoozing on the pillow. He gently woke the cat and asked, “How are things for you since coming to heaven?”

 The cat stretched, yawned, and replied, “It’s wonderful here—even better than I could have expected. 

 

Especially those meals-on-wheels you’ve been sending by—those are the best!” 

   
Why do cows have bells
Their horns don’t work
   

 What did the 500-pound canary say as he walked down the street?
“Here, kitty, kitty, kitty.”

 Why aren’t leopards any good at hide-and-seek?
Because they’re always spotted.

 Why do you have to be careful when it rains cats and dogs?
To make sure you don’t step in a poodle.

 Why should you be careful when playing against a team of big cats?
They might be cheetahs.

  
What do you call a cat who can bowl?
An alley cat.

 
 What do you call a cat who’s been thrown in the dryer?
Fluffy.

What do you call a cat who gets thrown in the dryer and is never found again?
Socks.

What did the cat get on the test?
A purr-fect score.

A boy comes home from high school with a massive smile on his face.

Dad: Why are you looking so pleased with yourself?

Son: Had my first blowjob today.

Dad: Congratulations boy, Let’s have a beer together to celebrate.

Son: Thanks Dad, I need something to get this taste out of my mouth.

My wife and I have reached a decision that we do not want children.

 

Now we just have to find somebody who wants to adopt our two teenagers.

11 hours ago, chickenslegs said:

A boy comes home from high school with a massive smile on his face.

Dad: Why are you looking so pleased with yourself?

Son: Had my first blowjob today.

Dad: Congratulations boy, Let’s have a beer together to celebrate.

Son: Thanks Dad, I need something to get this taste out of my mouth.

And a ring cushion to sit on!

11 hours ago, chickenslegs said:

My wife and I have reached a decision that we do not want children.

 

Now we just have to find somebody who wants to adopt our two teenagers.

Are they prity and female perchance?

A: The Harry Potter movies are totally unrealistic.

B: You mean the walls you can run through?

A: No. 

B: The paintings that come to life? 

A: No.

B: The ridiculous monsters?

A: No.

B: The flying ghosts? 

 

A: No. A ginger having two friends.

The Mother Superior tells two novice nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their new habits.

 

So the one nun says to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door." So they do this, and begin painting their room.

 

Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, "Who is it?"

 

"Blind man!"

 

The nuns look at each other, then one nun says, "He's blind, he can't see. What could it hurt." so they let him in.

 

The blind man walks in and says, "Hey, nice tits. Where do you want me to hang these blinds?"

Some chemistry jokes. Most of them are bad - because all the good ones Argon.

 

Q: What do you do with a sick chemist?

A: If you can't helium, and you can't curium, then you might as well barium.

 

Q: Anyone know any jokes about sodium?

A: Na

 

Don't trust atoms, they make up everything.

 

Did you know that you can cool yourself to -273.15˚C and still be 0k?

 

A proton and a neutron are walking down the street.
The proton says, "Wait, I dropped an electron help me look for it."
The neutron says "Are you sure?" The proton replies "I'm positive."

It's a long time since my kids were teenagers, but these comments from the interwebs still ring true ...

 

Don't give up hope, parents of uncommunicative teens. Today my newly-chatty son said "nah" only three hours after I asked him a question.

 

This morning my husband asked our newly-turned 13 year old son how it felt to be a teenager.

Without missing a beat he said, "Shut up, Dad."

 

At the airport.
Just kissed my 13yo son on his forehead. He reacted like Dracula getting impaled by a wooden stake.

 

I just changed the Netflix password so my teenager has to come out of his room to talk to me.

 

The thing I like about having teens is how they make a bunch of plans because they're "independent" & then ask to borrow money.

 

My 15yo son told me he wants to see "Get Out" but since it's R-rated, he'll sneak in. Real gangsta telling mommy his plan in advance.

 

Having a 15 year old son has really turned me into a boring <deleted>, apparently

 

When your children are teenagers, it's important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.

 

86% of parenting a teenage girl is waiting in the car outside some practice, sporting event, or disco.

 

My friend confessed, "My teenage daughter never even talks to me,"

I struggled to conceal my jealousy.

 

The great thing about having teens who sleep until noon is I only have to feed them 2 meals a day.

 

Just earned the Mom Badge of Courage for taking 16yo driving.
The glovebox on the pax side should include a minibar for times like these.

 

Me [before kids]: I’m going to be the coolest parent - not like my parents.
Me [now]: I can’t believe how liberal my parents were.
Teen son: I literally hate you.

 

My favourite:

Parenting tip: Learn to breakdance so when you meet your teenager's new friends, you have a cool talent to show them

Why did Donald Trump refuse the offer of two stuffed wildebeests from CNN
He said they were fake Gnus 

  
 What do you give to an injured pig?
Oinkment.

 What animal has more lives than a cat?
A frog. It croaks every night.

 

 What do you get when you cross a cross Lassie with a rose?
A prickly collie flower.

One day an out-of-work mime is visits the zoo looking for some work.  
The zookeeper explains to the mime that it’s his lucky day as the zoo’s most popular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.

 The next morning the mime puts on a gorilla suit and enters the cage before the crowd arrives. He discovers that it’s a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play, and make fun of people, and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime. 
After a few weeks of “learning the ropes” he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a divider, and dangles from the top of the lion’s cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it.

 This goes on for some time. The mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and the mime’s salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day while he is dangling over the furious lion, he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion gathers himself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling “Help me! Help me!” but the lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his back, looking up at the angry lion, who growls, 

 

“Shut up, you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?” 

Two nuns are being raped, the first cries out: "Bless this man father, he knows not what he do!"...

 

The second nun cries out - "Hallelujah! my one does".

Still wonder if that is a joke (good or bad) but the cringe is really real.... 

Group session haha...

 

46 minutes ago, CantSpell said:

Still wonder if that is a joke (good or bad) but the cringe is really real.... 

Group session haha...

 

I can't groan at this lot of stiffs but I will "spit the dummy out" before I go chatting up dolly birds.  Can't you put some heart and soul into this cringe worthy display of laid back and un-animated TV critics?

16 minutes ago, scottiejohn said:

I can't groan at this lot of stiffs but I will "spit the dummy out" before I go chatting up dolly birds.  Can't you put some heart and soul into this cringe worthy display of laid back and un-animated TV critics?

The brunette at the front was so hot, it melted both my brain and her mouth.. Now she needs some plastic surgery.. ????