Worst Joke Ever

[Dancealot]

Former president of the US..

Calvin Coolidge was a quite man who was know for not to speak too much.

1 day at a cocktail party a friend suggested to make a bet.

"i can force Calvin to speak more then two words" was the bet

When Calvin heard the bet he answered "you loose"

[DanaDeLuxe]

As I could not find a way to delete it I've reported it to the mods and asked for it to be taken down. Sorry for the inconvenience!

[kevjohn]

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.

"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."

"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"

"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."

"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..."

"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."

Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."

"Oh my God! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"

"Well, no Brenda... no."

"No?"

"Fact is, he got out three times to pee."

[warfie]

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.

"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."

"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"

"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."

"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..."

"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."

Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."

"Oh my God! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"

"Well, no Brenda... no."

"No?"

"Fact is, he got out three times to pee."

"Did nobody try to save him?"

"Yes, but he fought them off bravely"

[warfie]

An old lady went to the store to buy some food for her dog. At the check-out, the clerk said, "I'm sorry ma'am, but the store manager has heard that many old ladies on

limited incomes buy dog food and eat it themselves. We now have a policy - if you want to buy dog food, you have to show us your dog."

Annoyed, the lady went home, got her faithful Fido, and returned to the store, where they

sold her the dog food without question.

The next day, she returned to the store to buy cat food. Again, she's reproached by the cashier:

"I'm sorry ma'am, but the store manager heard that many old ladies on limited incomes buy cat food

and eat it themselves. We now have a policy - if you want to buy cat food, you have to show us your cat."

Frustrated, the woman went home, got her cat and returned to the store, where she bought cat food without further problem.

The next day, the woman returned to the store and walked right up to the cashier with a box in her hand.

"Put your hand in this box," she said.

"What's in it?" the clerk asked.

"Just put your hand in here," the lady said.

"No, there's probably something in there that will bite me"

"Nothing will bite you, I promise."

Reluctantly, the clerk put her hand in the box, felt the contents, pulled them out to examine

them and let out a scream. Smiling, the old lady asked "now, may I please buy some toilet paper?"

[kevjohn]

An old lady went to the store to buy some food for her dog. At the check-out, the clerk said, "I'm sorry ma'am, but the store manager has heard that many old ladies on

limited incomes buy dog food and eat it themselves. We now have a policy - if you want to buy dog food, you have to show us your dog."

Annoyed, the lady went home, got her faithful Fido, and returned to the store, where they

sold her the dog food without question.

The next day, she returned to the store to buy cat food. Again, she's reproached by the cashier:

"I'm sorry ma'am, but the store manager heard that many old ladies on limited incomes buy cat food

and eat it themselves. We now have a policy - if you want to buy cat food, you have to show us your cat."

Frustrated, the woman went home, got her cat and returned to the store, where she bought cat food without further problem.

The next day, the woman returned to the store and walked right up to the cashier with a box in her hand.

"Put your hand in this box," she said.

"What's in it?" the clerk asked.

"Just put your hand in here," the lady said.

"No, there's probably something in there that will bite me"

"Nothing will bite you, I promise."

Reluctantly, the clerk put her hand in the box, felt the contents, pulled them out to examine

them and let out a scream. Smiling, the old lady asked "now, may I please buy some toilet paper?"

Good one...

Edited November 10, 2012 by kevjohn

[David48]

British Humour is Different...

These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers:

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.

8 years old,

Hateful little bastard.

Bites!

FREE PUPPIES

1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog.

FREE PUPPIES.

Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.

Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.

Also 1 gay bull for sale.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .

Worn once by mistake.

Call Stephanie.

**** And the WINNER is... ****

FOR SALE BY OWNER.

Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes.

Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.

[David48]

Statement of the Century

Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker--Billy Connolly.

"If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking,

How come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?"

[warfie]

The Psychiatrist and Proctologist

Two doctors, a psychiatrist and a proctologist, opened an office in a small town and put up a sign reading:

"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors."

The town council was not happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to read,

"Schizoids and Hemorrhoids."

This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council, they changed the sign to

"Catatonics and High Colonics."

No go.

Next, they tried

"Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives."

Thumbs down again.

Then came

"Minds and Behinds."

Still no good.

Another attempt resulted in

"Lost Souls and Butt Holes."

Unacceptable again!

So they tried

"Analysis and Anal Cysts."

Not a chance.

"Nuts and Butts?"

No way.

"Freaks and Cheeks?"

Still no go.

"Loons and Moons?"

Forget it.

Almost at their wit's end, the doctors finally came up with:

Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, "Odds and Ends."

[kevjohn]

What do you call a fish with no eye ?

FSH !

What do you call a deer with no eyes ?

I have no I-Deer

[warfie]

What do you call a fish with no eye ?

FSH !

What do you call a deer with no eyes ?

I have no I-Deer

What do you call a dog with no legs?

Anything you want, he's still not going to heel.

I'll get my coat.

[kevjohn]

Three Americans are on a vacation hiking in a jungle in Brazil.

While there, they are attacked by cannibals.

The cannibals say they'll eat them if they don't complete 2 tasks. They agree.

The first task is to go in to the centre of the jungle and collect eight of one fruit.

The first tourist, Craig collects eight oranges. The second, Bob finds eight grapes.

They all sit and wait for Roy, but they don't see him so they just go on without him.

The next task is to shove all of the fruit that they collected up their ass showing no emotion on their face.

Well Craig gets to two oranges before he starts crying. So they tie him to a stake ready to be burned.

Bob gets to six grapes before he starts laughing uncontrollably, and they tie him to the stake too.

Just before the cannibals set alight to the stake Craig says to Bob "Why did you start laughing you could have gone free."

Bob says "Well because I just saw Roy coming out of the woods with eight pineapples."

Edited November 10, 2012 by kevjohn

[kevjohn]

Three men went to hell.

The devil said to them "You have come to hell, and you must now choose whether to spend eternity in room 1, 2 or 3"

He then opened the doors to the three rooms.

Room 1 was filled with men standing on their heads, on a hard wooden floor.

Room 2 was filled with men standing on the heads, on a cement floor.

Finally, room 3 had just a few men, standing in shit up to their knees and drinking coffee.

The men thought for a while, and decided to go with room 3, as it was less crowded and they could drink coffee.

They entered the door to room 3 and just as it was closing behind them, the devil said "OK men, coffee break's over. Back on your heads."

[David48]

What do you call a fish with no eye ?

FSH !

What do you call a deer with no eyes ?

I have no I-Deer

What do you call a dog with no legs?

Anything you want, he's still not going to heel.

I'll get my coat.

What do you call a ...

A man in the pool with no arms or legs?

Bob

[warfie]

What do you call a fish with no eye ?

FSH !

What do you call a deer with no eyes ?

I have no I-Deer

What do you call a dog with no legs?

Anything you want, he's still not going to heel.

I'll get my coat.

What do you call a ...

A man in the pool with no arms or legs?

Bob

Are we really going to start this? Ok...

What do you call a man with no legs?

Neil

[kevjohn]

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman are driving through the desert when their car breaks down, so they have to get out.

The Englishman takes a bottle of wine with him, the Scotsman takes an umbrella and the Irishman takes a car door.

On the way they meet this old timer.

He says to the Englishman "I know why you've got the wine so you can have a drink when your thirsty."

He says to the Scotsman "I know why you've got the umbrella to keep the sun off you", "but" he says to the Irishman "Why have you got the car door?"

The Irishman replies "If I get hot I can wind the window down!"

[Daewoo]

What do you call a fish with no eye ?

FSH !

What do you call a deer with no eyes ?

I have no I-Deer

What do you call a dog with no legs?

Anything you want, he's still not going to heel.

I'll get my coat.

What do you call a ...

A man in the pool with no arms or legs?

Bob

Are we really going to start this? Ok...

What do you call a man with no legs?

Neil

What do you call a man with no arms or legs, on your doorstep???

Matt.

[kevjohn]

A fireman is at the station house working outside on the fire truck when he notices a little girl next door.

The little girl is in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side.

She is wearing a fireman's hat and has the wagon tied to a dog

.

The fireman says "Hey little girl. What are you doing?"

The little girl says "I'm pretending to be a fireman and this is my fire truck!"

The fireman walks over to take a closer look. "Little girl that sure is a nice fire truck!" the fireman says. "Thanks mister", says the little girl.

The fireman looks a little closer and notices the little girl has tied the dog to the wagon by it's testicles.

"Little girl", says the fireman, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the dog's neck, I think you could go faster."

The little girl says, "You're probably right mister, but then I wouldn't have a siren!"

[warfie]

What do you call a dog with no legs?

Anything you want, he's still not going to heel.

I'll get my coat.

What do you call a ...

A man in the pool with no arms or legs?

Bob

Are we really going to start this? Ok...

What do you call a man with no legs?

Neil

What do you call a man with no arms or legs, on your doorstep???

Matt.

What do you call a woman with one leg?

Eileen

[kevjohn]

A professor is sent to darkest Africa to live with a primitive tribe. He spends years with them, teaching them reading, writing, math and science.

One day the wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a white child.

The tribe is shocked, and the chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look here! You're the only white man we've ever seen

and this woman gives birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!"

The professor replied, "No, Chief. You're mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence, what we in the civilized world call an albino!

Look at that field over there. All of the sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion."

The chief was silent for a moment, then said, "Tell you what. You don't say anything more about that sheep and I won't say anything more about that white child."

[David48]

@warfie

What do you call a dog with no legs?

Anything you want, he's still not going to heel.

I'll get my coat.

-----------------

@David48

What do you call a ...

A man in the pool with no arms or legs?

Bob

-----------------

@warfie

Are we really going to start this? Ok...

What do you call a man with no legs?

Neil

-----------------

@Daewoo

What do you call a man with no arms or legs, on your doorstep???

Matt.

-----------------

@warfie

What do you call a woman with one leg?

Eileen

-----------------

@David48

What do you call ...

a man in the forest with no arms and no legs?

Russell

[warfie]

What do you call a paralysed deer with no eyes?

Still no I-deer

[kevjohn]

When the British government let out bids for the digging of a tunnel under the English Channel, estimates were in the millions of pounds.

One firm asked only 10,000 pounds, however.

"Considering equipment and labour cost," the construction chairman asked the low bidder, "how do you propose to do the job for such a pittance?"

"It's simple," the contractor replied, "my partner grabs a shovel, goes to France and start digging. I take another shovel and start digging from England.

We dig until we meet - and you've got a tunnel!"

"But what if you never meet?"

"Then you've got TWO tunnels!"

[kevjohn]

Miss Paddington is in Paris and is visting "Louvren" the famous french museum.

She looks at the paintings and suddenly she says, "Is this a dreadful painting or what! I can't belive that a respectable place like this could have such a horrible piece of art in its collection."

"Pardon, Madame!" one of the staff says, "But it's not a painting, it's a mirror."

[kevjohn]

Little BILLY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.

After the 6th one, a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you.

It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."

Little BILLY replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."

"Oh?" replied the man. "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"

"No" replied Little Billy, "But he did mind his own business!!"

[TomTao]

What do you call a legless dog?

Log.

[warfie]

what do you call a Greek skydiver?

Condescending.

[TomTao]

How do you make a sausage roll?

Push it down a hill.

[Dancealot]

How do you make a sausage roll?

Push it down a hill.

How do you make a rolling sausage?

I thought i couldn't..

[warfie]

What do you call a Greek electrician?

Confused